A Cuppa a Day Keeps the Bad Guys Away
Make Tea, Not War
Proofread by Fluttrick
“Just another day in the palace,” Princess Celestia proclaimed as she took a sip of her tea. Deciding it was still too hot, she placed the cup on the arm of her luxurious throne. She found steam rising up from the cup, or, the Royal Mug, as she preferred, and she watched the vapour dance and twirl into the air. Celestia couldn't stand boiling drinks — burns of the third degree were generally avoided if possible, but there was a thing of majesty in them.
“Princess, the Royal Guard is waiting for your command.”
“Can't you see I'm busy?” She cast a sideways glance at the impertinent Royal Guard, sending him back to the barracks with a wave of her hoof. A more important task was at hoof — so important, in fact, that the fate of Equestria depended on it.
Princess Celestia raised the Royal Mug to her mouth once more, taking a deep sniff of the rich, intoxicating smell before releasing a contented sigh. Sometimes, she simply knew a good cup of tea by just the scent of it. This, on the other hoof, was on a completely new level. It had a mild, vegetal undertone with the tiniest hint of spice. Not that Princess Celestia cared much, mind; what the tea lost in flavour, it made up in consistency.
Oh, she did ramble on. At the end of the day, tea was tea, even if it had saved Equestria on more than one occasion. “And now, for perfection—“
“Sister! King Sombra has returned!” Princess Luna shouted as she materialised in the room with a blue explosion of magic. “We need to prepare, to get...” Stopping mid-sentence, the younger sister took in a deep sniff. “Are you drinking coffee?”
Celestia wrinkled her nose. “No, of course not. Coffee is far too... uncivilised for the likes of me. What do you want, little sister — disturbing my tea session is a highly punishable offence. Would you like some?”
Luna stared back at her, dumbstruck. “Why do you waste time on hot beverages? Did you not hear me? King Sombra, the tyrant of the Crystal Empire, is back! Is that not enough to worry you?” Luna asked. “Besides, I'm more of a coffee pony.”
“What do you think I'm doing?” Celestia retorted. “This is a military action, Luna, not just some little tea party.” She took a sip out of the Royal Mug, revelling in the tea's luxurious, tantalising taste. Oh, how she could just drink tea all day. Equestria was constantly hanging in the balance, anyway — surely she could be the one to relax for once?
“Tia, I do not see how this has anything to do with protec—“
Princess Celestia slapped a hoof to her face. With a deep sigh, she looked back at her confused sister. “Luna, what was the first thing you noticed when you so rudely interrupted my tea session?”
“Well, the tea...” Luna admitted with an uneasy smile.
“Exactly.”
“How does that make a difference?”
“When someone, let us say King Sombra for the sake of relevance, bursts into my palace to find me drinking a cup of tea, they will instantly think of how profound and thoughtful I must be,” Celestia said. “This tea may seem to be of the simple, common variety, but on closer inspection, it is made from none other than the 'Ladha ya Kinyesi' tea leaves.”
When Princess Luna retained the same puzzled expression, Celestia continued. “These leaves are so rare, that the island from which they originate is named after them.”
Luna raised her eyebrows. “But, sister, as rare as they may be, how does that mean anything?”
“You're not listening, Luna!” Princess Celestia snapped. “They will see me drinking this... wonderful brew, and instantly regret their resentment towards me. So much so, that they will simply give up, allowing me to defeat and humiliate them in one fell swoop.” She giggled daintily before resuming her look of displeasure. “This tactic is not to be trifled with.”
“Has it worked before, then, sister?”
“Of course it has! You may not remember the experience personally, but—“
“You defeated me with a cup of tea!?” Luna yelled, her voice incredulous.
Princess Celestia hissed at her sister to quieten down. “Well, of course I did! Isn't that what I just said? Do not underestimate the power of tea, Luna — it is far more powerful than you and I combined.”
“Do you jest, sister?”
“Actually, your response was rather amusing,” Celestia explained, completely ignoring her sister's accusation. “You just completely gave up trying to beat me, and you wouldn't stop asking for a sip! Of course, it eventually wore thin, so I had to banish you to the moon. Oh, good times!” The alicorn laughed heartily, pointing at her sister for good measure.
“What... what about Queen Chrysalis?”
“Oh, her?” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “We were all out of tea at the time.”
The little sister was dumbfounded. Not only had she discovered the way in which she had been overthrown, but also that tea was considered to be the most powerful weapon in Equestria. She tried to form sentences, or some sort of reply, but no such thing came from her agape mouth. Instead, her face paled, and her mind clouded over.
“Luna, dear, you look in aid of some tea. Would you like me to pour you a cup?”
“Oh... okay, sister. But what of King Sombra in the meantime?”
“Fear not, Luna, for I have summoned an assistant. Perhaps then I could demonstrate the power of tea for you.”
**********
A lavender-coated unicorn pulled the doors of the palace wide open before running in. “Princess Celestia,” she called, “sorry I'm so late! The train left before I could get on it, and...” She paused, seeing a cup in the hooves of her ruler. “That... that isn't Ladha ya Kinyesi tea, is it?”
“Why, of course it is, Twilight! How astute of you to notice!” Celestia responded with a pleased smile. “Now, about your task...”
“Oh, no, that's fine,” Twilight Sparkle interrupted, licking her lips tactfully. “I know exactly what I'm doing. But, about that tea...”
“Yes?” Celestia put on an innocent smile.
“You wouldn't... you wouldn't mind allowing me a bit?”
The Princess put a hoof to her chin, stroking it several times before turning to her sister. “I'm not too sure — Luna, what do you think?”
“I don't see why not,” said the blue alicorn, who was, herself, enjoying a similar brew to Celestia's. She took a deep sip, allowing the intense taste to take her taste buds for a ride. “Perhaps later, though. The threat of King Sombra is still nigh, and now is no time for tea.”
“Of course!” The cheery response of Twilight sounded. “Whatever you say! It'll be done before you say: Ladha ya Kinyesi!” And with that, the unicorn left through the doors of the Royal Palace. The two sisters looked at each other for a fraction of a second before bursting into a loud, shared laughter clinking their Royal Mugs together.
“So, this is all you do when a villain shows up?”
“As I said, Luna, do not underestimate the power of tea.”
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So, this is just a quick, in-between-stories story. As such, don't take it too seriously, and never underestimate the power of tea.
This is the only place I can beat Regidar to the comments. Har Har.
Y'know I could go for a good cuppa right now
I wander if I have any Tetley's left
Whatever, man.
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Tea is powerful, but I would never debase myself by drinking it from a coffee mug.
that was kind of stupid.
since i dont vote down stories unless is dislke them on an extreme level, i will just leave no rating.
Celestia controls Twilight through tea? That's a new one.
But, but... "Celestia HATES Tea"...
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Good story!
Yay! I actually proofread it for once! And once again I see no spelling mishaps or grammar errors.
Aww I want tea now. I'm more of an iced tea person.
"Sir, we have advanced weapons the likes of which the world has never seen before, an army that could make even the largest of dragons shiver, and tactics that make the greatest of invaders look like morons, and you want to give up because....?"
"DID YOU NOT SEE HER? SHE WAS DRINKING TEA LIKE A GOD DAMN BOSS."
Oh i say. What a spiffing good read. Now for some tea and crumpet. An maby somthing to eat as well.
That was quite good, actually. I hope this gets featured; it deserves it.
Excuse me while I figure out how to reattach my jaw.
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Wait, hold the fucking phone. You didn't use a Kurt Cobain gif or pic?
WHAT
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1652635 Whatever, man.
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This is stupid, but I loved it damn it.
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Tea has inconceivable powers, it seems.
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Actually, I find that Black Tea from Africa is best enjoyed from a mug. I keep a special mug just for tea. The reason is because African teas are so strong that using a proper tea cup will overload the tea's astringent nature and keep the natural floral and aromatic tones from being expressed sufficiently, whereas the mug will allow the aromatics to take more of the stage for themselves.
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I prefer black teas from India myself, especially masala chai or clove.
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You know, I would, but I find that they tend to have this weird undertone that sticks in the back of my throat. I don't know if I'm just weird or if you've noticed something similar?
I've also had some Chinese Black Teas. Holy Damn, those things are aromatic. Lots of fruit flavors come through (one varietal had a really pronounced apricot thing going). Do you drink any teas from the Asian regions?
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Went to China on vacation and sample some tea. The one that stuck with me was jasmine, it was like drinking perfume.
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The good sort of "drinking perfume" or the bad sort of "drinking perfume"? Because I've had Jasmine Teas that taste like they should have been spritzed on a lady of the night (if you know what I mean) and I've had Jasmine Teas that subtly entrance me with their aroma.
That was pointless.
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1651869 Thanks for that, by the way!
Always appreciate it.
1651876 To be honest, I'm more of a coffee person, but that's neither here nor there.
1653039 The same reason anyone does anything — because they can. Also, I felt like making a pointless story.
Well written, but not funny.
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The first type, perfume from a bottle.
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Ewww. Sorry about that. I promise that there's better stuff out there.
Cute, pointless, and decidedly silly.
I loved it!
it's good to see people still making comedies with unique angles.
Regidar seems to be broken
he's not channeling Kurt Cobain like he always does
. . . THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
I read the title, immediately thought of Iroh.
That was pretty amazing. Loved it!
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Wow. I think that may have been possibly the most pointless thing I've read since... fuck it, I'm too lazy to think as to what...
NOTHING IS REGRETTED!
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New rising threat to the world? Drink tea. = Logic
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We all keep meeting. Doth God want more funny logic arguments? Or do you guys just go to every single story you see pop up.
... Or maybe Twilight's watching and performing magical spells on us!
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Y U No stop using that Rainbow Dash face?!?!
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GODDAMN IT!
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1656377 I don't think he's going to, dude
alrighty then...
I drink tea in this Chinese cup with flowers on it.
Funny story, my Dad and I were looking at it in this Chinese shop when he picked it up and broke the little saucer that came with it. Since the shop had a "you break it you buy it" rule, we ended up taking the whole thing home.
And he says I'm a klutz.
1658681 oh my gosh I'm exactly the same
1658681 Ha, I don't have an awesome tea story like that. Although, I literally own this cup that says 'Make Tea, Not War'. Completely a coincidence, I assure you!