Bunch of sad stories I decided to write. Enjoy the, leave comments, and tell me what I can improve on.
New stories are coming soon, so enjoy whats up and look forward to others.
To anypony who is confused by this, Each chapter is a different story unless marked with a "Part one, Part two" ect ect
If anypony would like to contribute to my collection of sad stories, please send me it and I will put it in my group, I will give all credit to the writer.
~TheFallen
Edited by the amazing editor Sojourner (If you need an editor hes up for it.)
Chapters (11)
1680006
thanks I'm glad you liked it
Keep up the good work!
I would just encourage you to insert more dialogue in the middle of the longer paragraphs to help reduce the 'wall of text' feel. I see that you remembered that all dialogue should be given its own paragraph. Great job!
Overall, it looks really solid!
1695453
Anything thats Like this Is a dream The last three words are just written like that to add a little effect
Oh and she was dreaming he died so yea
Sorry if i confused you
1695479
OH WAIT
No your thinking that the stories are connected
No these are just small separated stories that I will come out with in time Each one is different mabey one or two will be connected but they will have Part one, part two ect
Each story will have different characters and a different tragedy and point of view
1695505
Oh and feel free to write your own and send them to me in a message I`ll edit what I can and publish them,
and yes I will give credit to anypony who wrote it, unless they say otherwise.
Well I read it. It's not bad per-say, but the sad situations are very stereotypical and the characters relationships kind of don't grown enough in my opinion, especially in the second one. Yes, they were close but what were they like before the tragedy? Another thing is the fact that these are all OC ponies. I kind of wonder why you need to make this MLP related when you can make it real life related. It would work better in my opinion. If you want to make a series of sad stories use characters from the show.
It's not bad, not at all there is some talent in this. Just kind of needs to be more thought out.
Keep it up my friend :3
Put this out in a hurry. Sorry for any obvious mistakes
New one should come out soon,
NEED IDEAS Please send any stories you would like me to write, include any characters and I hope I can make whoever sent the request happy
1720073
Thanks
I had to do this on short notice
But any ideas for another story??
1720208
Awwe okay well I`ll think of something
its just a little Writers block
Two whole chapters in one day
granted one was a poem but, That`s a new record for me
I Absolutely spent no time editing this So enjoy my horrible grammar
xD
Last chapter of the week. to much HW so Ill write something in my spare time but this is all I got
Enjoy
1733560
xD I know I`m working on a big chapter as we speak
This one I took a little more time on xD
and I know you don't, but when I can I will try to put out one or two stories a day, if can
and thank you
I really enjoyed some of these
Well, as much as you can 'enjoy' sad/dark, anyway.
My only suggestion would be to add more length if possible. You've got some great plot structures, but I feel as though some of the emotions aren't as played out as they could be
Great job!
1737623
Thanks
Each story will have a different length and some might be really short, but I assure you that longer stories will come... when I get some new Ideas
If you have any you would like to share, I`m all open to new ideas,
Holy hell... never before have OC's made me feel this way...
the feels... OH!
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31000000/Come-at-me-bro-rainbow-dash-31030597-500-310.gif
WHY CAN'T I CLICK THE THUMBS UP BUTTON ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?! I MUST CLICK IT AGAIN!
There/they're/their confusion, a few misplaced apostrophes (Hey guy's)
The first couple of paragraphs are what's known as an "info dump" We don't need to know exactly what they both look like straight off. Something you forgot, though, what kind of ponies are they?
Your/you're confusion. The apostrophe problem again. Missing a few capital letters.
It's not hoofs, it's hooves
Same apostrophe and capital letter problems
Nice.
bare/bear
This felt rushed. Not enough detail. You could also break up the paragraphs a little. It feels like a wall of text.
Also, you said hooves twice. Those two words were the only way I could tell that this was a MLP story. Not enough pony.
scarred/scared
1727597 And yeah, it shows.
1747514 Thanks
I`ll work on the flaws and fix what I can
Once again, a couple of mentions of "hoof" are the only thing that let me know this was a pony story. Still a good section. You seem to be better at poems.
Overall thoughts: You do a pretty decent job of being sad with OCs. The errors made the story feel less serious, and it seems like your editor didn't work very hard. Just keep working, and you'll get better with practice.
1747543
I only had an editor for the first chapter so don`t blame him for any obvious errors on the chapters after that,
1751630
Thank`s this is all I had time for in the last few days but more should becoming out soon hopefully
Hey there! Sorry I'm a bit late, but as you requested here's a bit of a review of this fic.
Now, I might get a bit long here, but bear with me. Also, please don't take it that I'm trying to push you down, of course. These are just my personal thoughts and comments on how you can improve yourself as a storyteller, which is something we all are trying to push for, right? =) So anyway, without further ado, here is the review for the first story in your 'Never Forget' series.
First of all, I should say that I am not going to point out every single grammatical or punctuation error in the fic, but I would mention that you have quite a fair bit, enough to distract me from reading. In all honesty, you should get a proofreader to sort them out for you, or try to recognize some of them for yourself. For example, you have a couple of run-on sentences, homonym confusion (your/you're being the most predominant), a bunch of apostrophes used where they shouldn't be and vice versa... also, wall of text in some areas. Try to break up passages and know when to start new passages (especially for dialogue).
Anyway, any other editor can help with that. My focus lies in the execution of a story, so let me get into this.
First of all, I do really like the idea. It's a very simple story, with a nice ending, but then again some parts could be done to make it much stronger and instill more emotion into the reader. In writing we use the word 'framing' to define when a story begins and ends with a scene or events that aren't actually part of the main story, and I think your methods are very effective for this kind of story, so well done there.
That said, here's a few things you could probably have done to make it more effective.
- Defining a moment
When anyone writes a scene, they have the actions in mind. They can see it in their head and that is what ends up as words on the screen. However, what's happening here is that there are some really good scenes that you've done effectively and well, but yet some which are really really boring.
For example, I do like this sequence:
This says a lot. It tells us about his character and his mentality. It might be a bit heavy on the 'telling' details, but still, it works. But then I read something like this:
And I wonder if it can't be written more effectively. Do we, as the reader, really NEED to know how they got into the cab, or how the driver set off on his journey? You can paint a vivid picture by describing things around them or setting the tone by showing how the main characters react to this. Maybe Misty is excitedly bouncing up and down in her seat. Maybe Packie is staring out the window, staring at nothing as the trees in the distance started to pick up speed. In the latter, I'm describing both the movement of the vehicle AND Packie's mood without having to actually describe them.
In your fic, I can see how the events play out, and they play out smoothly, so no problems there, but the issue is that you're just saying what happens directly to us. Try to describe things without describing them, and all in all, it will colour a scene much more brightly.
This, of course, goes back into the whole 'show vs tell' thing that people like to talk so much. But in the end what it is about is just being able to know when to let the reader figure things out by themselves.
Another example is during the fight scene itself.
Do we really need to know things to this level of detail? Why do I say this? Because the story is being told from Packie's perspective, but yet we seem to be able to get insights into these bullies' mindsets. We should be seeing what Packie sees, but with even less information so that we can be shocked later by the trick. At this point we all already know, oh yeah, there's some kind of trick coming.
Just suggest things, maybe just a nudge or a weird look that doesn't actually mean anything to the reader, but only makes sense in context later. This showing of things lets us become more involved in the story as we put things together.
- Character cohesiveness
This is something that I'm very harsh about when it comes to the fics I read and write. Character. Everything in a story is about character, and it's very important to develop and pay attention to them. In the span of this story, I found myself wanting to know more. This small glimpse into their lives certainly don't tell us enough, and there's one thing that really bugged me.
You told us, in a 'telling' method, that Packie wasn't very good at talking and didn't have many friends. Yet, he's being invited to this big grand party? Also, when he gets there, he has no problem whatsoever talking to ponies and has no reservations. His actions aren't that of one who is scared or reserved.
In a story, what the reader picks up from individual actions weigh much more than what you tell us directly. If you want Packie to be one of those nervous kinds, then he has to act the role and be consistent.
He has no friends, but the first one to the door is his friend. He's quick and easy to defend Misty, and jokes around smoothly. I would think that a Stallion with shyness issues would find it a bit harder to do so. Not to mention, he jumped in so quickly to the fight that it didn't mesh with what I know about the character.
In fact, the story may have been more effective if you played off that weakness. So far, that mention of the weakness doesn't come into play anywhere in the actual execution of the later scene.
As a suggestion, what about if the bullies were going AFTER Misty, and Packie had to really struggle with his inner thoughts and his need to hide? He had to overcome his sense of fear and jump in to protect Misty. Being shy and having no friends usually means that one wouldn't just fight some guys for the sake of it. In fact, being smart and calm would mean you would walk away.
When writing OCs, be very careful to pay attention to how they are, because it affects everything else they do throughout the rest of the story.
Also, Misty isn't really developed well. Being the one who died, and being the one Packie loved, we need to know more about that... WHY he likes her, WHAT made her special. We can't just be told; again, we need to see evidence.
Pacing of the drop-off point
By 'drop-off point' I refer to the point where things start to change in emotional tone in a serious harsh way. Obviously, this would be the point of the car crash.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the scene except for the length.
It's both too short and too long.
What do I mean?
Well, for such things we can do it in one of two ways. Either extremely short. So short that it catches the reader by surprise and the reader is like 'oh what the heck just happened?!' and usually, it doesn't seek to even explain the accident. We find out what happened gradually in the following scene, which is Packie trying to save the both of them from the wreck.
The other way to do it is to extend it really long. Give the reader that gradual feeling of dread. Make things slow down and capture the few seconds in horrible detail that really put the reader into that moment. This also means that the second part, the rescue scene, can't be as vivid or long, but either way you do it, these are the most effective ways to channel the kind of drop-off you have in your story.
Right now it plays out like a regular scene, with things happening. In fact, rather than showing us how things slow down, you just TELL us 'and then everything slowed'. Don't make the reader do all the work... try to put some of those scenes into the fic so that the reader can really grab hold.
The Event
I think the last thing that I really found wanting was a bit more. A scene where you fight off some bullies for personal bravado is great and all, but is it enough to name your future kid after? I'm not sure. I felt that the event should have been far more weighty, like maybe she died when he was about to propose, or she died when something else happened. But the whole scene of a party is, while quite realistic, not as strong as something I'd see that you connect so much to. This one might just be me, and I'll be honest about that, but this is what I feel.
In fact, he didn't really do anything for her, even. He sort of just jumped into it by himself. He wasn't saving her from danger, it wasn't a threat situation... it seems shallow as something that the end frame is measured up against.
Well, either way, I've written far too much, I think, and probably you weren't even expecting a review this detailed. I shall stop here for now, but I genuinely hope this has been of some help.
Keep writing, keep thinking, and good luck for the future.
- KitsuneRisu
1757136
Thank you
I appreciate the eye opener on what I need to work on and will dwell onto these in some of my future stories,
If you read the rest I hope you enjoy,
and once again thank you for the review
1757206
I think most of all, take your time. You can't force emotion, especially sadness. There's no tricks to make people feel it without being cheap. Take your time to build up character, establish scene, and when the tragedy happens it'll be all the more sad.
Also, you said you needed some story ideas? Alright, try this set up as a practice for writing emotion and character:
OC Stallion A's wife was murdered horribly 2 years ago. Ever since then, his life's been in a wreck. He can't eat, sleep, or talk to others. He lost his job, his life, and is in a constant state of depression. The murder was never solved and he has had no closure. However, on this day... he suddenly sees a stallion that looks exactly like the one who broke into his house 2 years ago...
Take it from there, and see where you can go. Develop his life, his story and his character by showing things he does at the 2 year after point, and show how he thinks and sees the world. After he sees that other pony whom he believes is the murderer, you can go ahead with any ending you want, but make it a bit of twist and try to keep it tragic.
It could be anything. It could be a different guy, it could be that the murderer came back to finish the job, it could be that the murderer had been keeping the wife alive and just wants to torment him, could be that the murderer is actually his wife and he kills her by accident, whatever. Maybe don't use the ones I mentioned, lulz.
But think of a nice ending yourself, and execute it from one single perspective, of that OC stallion.
How about that for a story idea?
1757301
Sounds great I`ll see what I can do with it,
thanks
1757315
I'll leave you with this! I also write a LOT of sad things.
But sadness can also come from empathy or melancholy and hope.
The first link is a chapter of a romance fic I'm currently writing with a sad bit at the end. The second is a lesser-read piece about hope. Maybe they'll work for you, maybe you won't even like them at all! But either way, I leave them as my examples of how sadness can be used in other ways than just tragedy. =)
Hope it works for you, and if not, no matter!