Never Forget
Never Forget
He stood in the short soft grass as the wind blew on his black mane and sent a chill down his back as it hit his ice blue coat. He looked at the stone tablet in front of him. His best friend, the one he loved, and cared for lay under it. Images of her flashed threw his head, her grey coat, her red mane with the small streaks of black, and her beautiful golden eyes that could make anypony stop and stare. He remembered her voice, the tone she always took with anypony. She always spoke calmly and her voice was as sweet as the singing of birds. He remembered the way she was always happy to see him.
A tear ran from his eye and fell from his chin. The sky was cloudy and it had grown dark earlier that day. He felt a single raindrop fall on his head, and he ignored it and when he spoke his words were barely audible.
"Ten years ago you died on this day... My best friend now that you are gone... I carry our memories and the love that we shared. But it`s not the same without you... it never will be the same without you..."
The wind grew stronger as he remembered the times they shared, the friendship that was so tightly bonded between them, and the accident that tore it all apart and now Misty was gone.
________________________________
"C’mon Packie, hurry up! We`re going to be late. If I have to I`ll let you take the taxi and I`ll run there."
"Just wait Misty, I`m coming! Just chill." He ran down the stairs, and smiled as he saw Misty standing the porch. They walked down and he opened the taxi door for her. She got in and he walked over and got in the other side.
Packie spoke to the driver. "7123, Maremount lane please."
The driver nodded and the car moved forward.
He turned his head to face her and spoke. "So, Misty you ready for this party? Its supposed to be the biggest one of the year."
She looked like she was about to fly out of her seat literally. "Hay Yea I am! I can’t believe you got invited and you`re taking me as a guest! Thank you again by the way. Your an amazing friend."
He smiled and his gaze went to his lap as spots of pink painted his cheeks. Even though she was his best friend he was still shy around her. He had never been very good at talking to other ponies, and even she wasn't an exception.
"No problem. That’s what friends are for, right? Plus, you’re the only one who`d actually wanted to go with me." He didn't have a lot of friends, mainly because he didn't talk to anypony.
"Yea," She turned her head to him, smiling as her golden eyes met his green ones. As he glared back, he noticed her coat and her mane. Her grey coat and red mane made her special. It confused him why her parents named her what they did, but he knew her parents. Her father was a strong black and red Pegasus who worked on Manehatten`s weather team, Her mother a doctor with a white coat and red mane.
But her mane It wasn't how she usually wore it . It was straight and hung over her shoulders. She looked the best he had ever seen her.
"You look beautiful tonight," He said smiling as a slight blush came across her face.
"Thanks I tried something different with my mane for once. I`m glad you noticed. “
"No problem. So, do you expect to see anyone you know there?"
"No remember, I don’t know anyone in Manehatten. But when you invited me to stay a couple nights so we could go to this party I practically shot out of my house right to yours. It’s been so long since we`ve talked."
“I know it`s been a while, but we have tonight and the next two days to catch up but for now, let’s enjoy our time at the party." As he said that they pulled up. The music could be heard from out on the street, and lights of different colors illuminated from the windows. It looked like a wild party. He opened her door and let her out.
"Awe, what a Stallion. I bet you get lots of mares," She teased.
He didn't know how to respond, so he nodded and closed her door after she got out.
The music that came from the house boomed and gradually got louder as the two got closer to the front door. As he opened it he was greeted by his friend.
"Ayyee, Packie! whats up man? glad you could make it." He looked over to Packie`s best friend. "And who is this sexy mare I`m looking at?? "
Packie looked over to her and smiled. "She’s my best friend, so that means lay off bro." The two laughed, then His friend quickly ended the conversation and left to great other ponies at the party."
For the majority of their time there they stuck together. He chatted with some ponies he knew, but Misty only answered when spoken to not trying to draw attention onto herself. She was only shy in new places and this... this was like no place she had ever been before. At one point the two got separated and when he went to look for her, he found her being confronted by a red stallion, Packie knew right away that the red stallion hitting on his friend so he went to put a stop to it.
"Hey guy`s, what’s up?" She seemed relieved when he walked over, but the stallion shot him a look of hate, he ignored it and kept listened to his friends quick response,
She replied first. "Not much Packie. Just talking to this guy over here."
"Nice, nice." He turned his conversation to the stallion. "What’s your name?"
The other stallion didn't sound pleased he was there" Rex. Do you two know each other?"
Packie looked at his friend and smiled. "Yea. " The stallion didn't like Packie and that was clear.
"Oh, well, nice. I’m gonna go, I’ll talk to you guys later." Misty let out a sigh of relief as the red stallion quickly left.
"Thanks for helping me." She smiled and hugged him.
He hugged her back and smiled. "No problem. You didn't look like you were really having fun talking to him."
"Yea, I wasn't. Hey lets go get some drinks.” He nodded and they went to the bar in the basement. He order`d them “Can I have two hoof cola’s?."
The two quickly got their drinks and headed upstairs. Earlier that night the two promised each other that they wouldn't have any drink with alcohol in it. They kept that promise, and when they finished there drinks Packie went to throw them out. As he tossed the red plastic cups into the bin he has pushed into it knocking it over, as he turned he saw the red stallion he met earlier, behind him was a brown stallion, who seemed to be his backup.
"Yo prick, why`d you interrupt my conversation, that's rude my friend, so now I`m gonna have to show you some manners." By now other ponies caught on to the situation and circled around the three, He noticed Misty standing behind the red Stallion her face filled with worry for him.
"Okay, come at me bro." Packie said taunting the stallion in front of him, this only put a look of rage on the stallions face as he darted towards Packie. He quickly got out of the way and bucked the red stallion into the trash that littered the floor behind him . The crowd cheered, and snicked as he turned Packie turned to face the stallion who was just now getting up. He warned him,
"C`mon bro you don`t want to fight me." The stallion cleared off the trash from his body and looked back at Packie. "Hell I don't" as he said the last words he charged once more, as he tried to move out of the way the brown pony he forgotten about pushed him back into the red stallion who shoved him to the ground, the red stallion held him down with one hoof, and brought up the other hoof that was aimed at Packie`s head, As he brought it down, Packie felt some pain hit his cheek, he took two more hits before he blocked one with his forhoof and proceeded with using his other hoof to get a few quick jab`s into his opponents abdomen . They stunned the red stallion long enough for Packie to break free and quickly pin him down.
"Stop..., you cant win this, just stop and you wont totally make a fool out of yourself." the red stallion smiled and Packie remembered his partner, he turned and saw the brown pony coming at him, he picked up the red stallion and pushed him at his friend, he stumbled as he lost balance. He watched the two collided and the both fell to the floor. The crowed who watched roared and cheered for him, he turned to face misty who had a slight grin on her face as she watched her friend fight, He smiled sheepishly and she giggled. He may not have been much of a talker, but he knew how to fight, and pretty damn well. The two got up, Packie saw their movement from the corner of his eye and turned to face them, they both had angry face`s, then the brown stallions lit up with an idea, he turned to his raged friend. Packie didn't hear what the stallion said as the crowd was too loud. Then the red stallion smiled and approached Packie. "Okay... you win. He put out a hoof for Packie to shake, for a few moments Packie starred at it and slowly brought his own up, when felt the red stallions hoof he started to shake it never breaking eye contact with the smiling red stallion.
His so called victory was short lived, Packie was caught off guard when he felt a sharp pain in his jaw, the hit brought him to the ground and the red stallion looked down upon him. He felt a warm trace of blood drip from his mouth and he quickly wiped it away as he slowly got up, this couldn't go on for much longer, so he decided to take the offensive, he darted at the red stallion and brought him to the ground,he held him down with his left for hoof, before the stallion could react he gave the first blow, the stallions head snapped to the right and when his head turned back to face him he hit him again, and again. He didn't stop until he knew his target was unconscious then he focused on the brown stallion who`s jaw was dropped in shock at seeing his friend beat up, he turned and disappeared into the crowd. Packie turned back to the red stallion who lay on the floor, he never saw the blood come from the stallion`s mouth as his coat blended with the color, but only saw it pool onto the floor.
Misty came over and brought Packie away from the scene, she brought him to the basement, her face had no emotion and his gut turned on the inside, he trembled as his eyes met her`s.
"Misty..." She hushed him quickly.
"Don`t worry I`m not mad, but that... that was pretty awesome" A small smile came across her face.
He didn't have any response but only starred into her eyes, just his look alone noted her that he was greatly upset. Blood still dripped from the corner of his mouth, Misty wiped it away and kept smiling.
"Its okay Packie you did what you had to do, and now its over."
He nodded and a small smile slowly appeared on his face, but he never stopped trembling, he felt horrible for what happened, he may have been able to fight but that didn't mean he liked it. His head rushed with thoughts, he couldn't think straight. Misty pulled him into a hug which snapped him out of his daze, he returned the hug and they went back to enjoying their time.
They enjoyed the rest of their time at the party. They danced, shared stories, and met some new ponies while they were there. The two had a great time and as the night went on the party just seemed to never end, It seemed as though it would last until tomorrow night and maybe even further then that, but soon enough it died down slightly but not enough to notice any change.
As night grew into early morning ,they grew extremely tired, Misty nudged Packie to get his attention from the conversation he was in. "Hey, are you ready to head out?" He looked at her and got the hint she wanted to leave, he nodded which made Misty happier then ever. He called a taxi, and said goodbye to some of the ponies he met. Twenty minutes later it arrived the two got in and headed home. They both leaned back into there seat`s, they both were exhausted from the party.
The taxi pulled off and they headed down the road. The too sat silent and each carried there own thoughts. Every once in a while he would look over at her. She broke the silence that stood between them.
"Thanks for taking me, I really appreciate it, and I had a great time with you." She looked over to him and smiled gently.
"Hey no problem anything for my bestest friend" A soft smile came across his face as he turned to face her. She was his best friend and was always there when he needed her to be, the two were never got to see each other after she moved from Manehatten
"Awe thanks Packie, love you dude. Your awesome." He nodded smiling and the silence returned. Then it happened.
He heard a screech the clash of metal on metal. The screams of his friend and then everything slowed. To his left he saw his friend with her hooves over her head, her face terrified, and the glass that had shattered around her. As the car continued to roll hit felt dull pain hit his head. Then, everything went black.
________________________________
When he woke, his ears rang and his vision was blurred. He could feel a sharp pain running from his side to his head. He looked at his surroundings. The car had flipped, and there was a pool of blood. He didn't know if it was his or sompony else`s. As he continued to look around, and as his vision cleared, he saw his friend curled on her side. He crawled over to her, the glass cut his fore hoofs as he did so. The blood came quick from the broken glass,but he ignored all pain, and focused on what mattered to him... her.
He did his best to get her out of the wrecked car. When he accomplished his goal, he collapsed next to her as the pain overcame him. He laid there for countless minutes. When the pain subsided, he got up and went over to his hurt friend. He nuzzled her to try and wake her. Then he noticed it; the blood covered glass that stuck out from her upper body. He rolled her onto her back and tried to lightly shake her awake. When that failed, he did the only thing he could think of. Slowly, he tried to pull the glass out of her. After a minute of that, the glass finally gave and left his friends body. He examined her in her current state. She was bloody, her mouth dripped blood, and cuts covered her.
He knew she was alive from her slow breathing. He nuzzled her and heard her soft moan of pain. He looked down at his hurt friend. Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked up at him trying to smile as best she could. He sat next to her and proceeded to cradle her in his arms.
"You`re going to be okay.... I promise." Tears came from his eyes as he felt her warm blood drip onto his coat.
"P-Packie... we both know t-that wont happen." Though her face blank, her voice was full of sadness.
"No... No, help is coming! You`re going to be ..." She stopped him and pulled him closer with her right hoof.
"Packie.... t-thank you and please r-remember the time`s we sh-shared, and t-the friendship we ha-had ... I-I love y-you Packie... N-never forget." Her hoof fell away and his tears fell onto her coat. He couldn't lose her, not now. Everything was going great. Then this. He felt his heart shatter as he felt her breathing cease...
"No... don't go... please don't leave me." No response. He nuzzled her lightly but her body was limp. He buried his head into her life less body. He took in her words and held onto them, for they were the last she would ever say.
"I-I love you t-too. Forever and always." His tears continued to fall as he quietly sobbed. She was gone and he was alone. Rain had started to drizzle and it washed the blood from his wound away.
"W-why did this happen..." The question haunted him and ate at him. He sat there as an ambulance came to the scene. He turned as he saw the flashing lights. He ignored them and held his friend. Held her close hopping she wasn't really gone. But she was, and she wasn't coming back.
_________________________________
He came back to reality as more rain fell onto his head. A little filly trotted next to him and rubbed his right side, he turned his head to face her, He noticed her white coat, wings, and her light blue mane that had streaks of black in them. She was a small filly about the age of five.
"Daddy, who is this? I thought we were here to see mommy?"She asked her, he simply smiled and nodded.
"We are. But this... This is an old friend who I loved dearly." His daughters head turned to face the grave, and she tried to read the grey tombstone in front of her. She caught the name, though but she couldn't read the other words that were engraved into it.
"Misty... Daddy, why is my name on that grave?? I'm not dead." He laughed softly.
"No, Misty you`re not... but your named after her. She was special to me, and so are you." He smiled as he looked over to her.
"What was she like..." She asked, it pained him to think of her once more. He remembered everything about her.
"Well... she was nice, the nicest friend I ever had, she could brighten anyponys day, and she was beautiful... she was my best friend." Another tear fell from his face.
"Do you miss her?" Her head looked up at her father who kept looking at the grey tombstone.
"Yea... all the time..." His gaze shifted from the stone to his daughter. "But I`ll never forget her, ever,... I wish she was still here."
"Daddy? what does the rest say?" She looked over to her father. He looked at the grave with a blank face.
He sighed and proceeded to read.
"Misty.
Never forget."
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1680006
thanks I'm glad you liked it
Keep up the good work!
I would just encourage you to insert more dialogue in the middle of the longer paragraphs to help reduce the 'wall of text' feel. I see that you remembered that all dialogue should be given its own paragraph. Great job!
Overall, it looks really solid!
Holy hell... never before have OC's made me feel this way...
the feels... OH!
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31000000/Come-at-me-bro-rainbow-dash-31030597-500-310.gif
There/they're/their confusion, a few misplaced apostrophes (Hey guy's)
The first couple of paragraphs are what's known as an "info dump" We don't need to know exactly what they both look like straight off. Something you forgot, though, what kind of ponies are they?
Hey there! Sorry I'm a bit late, but as you requested here's a bit of a review of this fic.
Now, I might get a bit long here, but bear with me. Also, please don't take it that I'm trying to push you down, of course. These are just my personal thoughts and comments on how you can improve yourself as a storyteller, which is something we all are trying to push for, right? =) So anyway, without further ado, here is the review for the first story in your 'Never Forget' series.
First of all, I should say that I am not going to point out every single grammatical or punctuation error in the fic, but I would mention that you have quite a fair bit, enough to distract me from reading. In all honesty, you should get a proofreader to sort them out for you, or try to recognize some of them for yourself. For example, you have a couple of run-on sentences, homonym confusion (your/you're being the most predominant), a bunch of apostrophes used where they shouldn't be and vice versa... also, wall of text in some areas. Try to break up passages and know when to start new passages (especially for dialogue).
Anyway, any other editor can help with that. My focus lies in the execution of a story, so let me get into this.
First of all, I do really like the idea. It's a very simple story, with a nice ending, but then again some parts could be done to make it much stronger and instill more emotion into the reader. In writing we use the word 'framing' to define when a story begins and ends with a scene or events that aren't actually part of the main story, and I think your methods are very effective for this kind of story, so well done there.
That said, here's a few things you could probably have done to make it more effective.
- Defining a moment
When anyone writes a scene, they have the actions in mind. They can see it in their head and that is what ends up as words on the screen. However, what's happening here is that there are some really good scenes that you've done effectively and well, but yet some which are really really boring.
For example, I do like this sequence:
This says a lot. It tells us about his character and his mentality. It might be a bit heavy on the 'telling' details, but still, it works. But then I read something like this:
And I wonder if it can't be written more effectively. Do we, as the reader, really NEED to know how they got into the cab, or how the driver set off on his journey? You can paint a vivid picture by describing things around them or setting the tone by showing how the main characters react to this. Maybe Misty is excitedly bouncing up and down in her seat. Maybe Packie is staring out the window, staring at nothing as the trees in the distance started to pick up speed. In the latter, I'm describing both the movement of the vehicle AND Packie's mood without having to actually describe them.
In your fic, I can see how the events play out, and they play out smoothly, so no problems there, but the issue is that you're just saying what happens directly to us. Try to describe things without describing them, and all in all, it will colour a scene much more brightly.
This, of course, goes back into the whole 'show vs tell' thing that people like to talk so much. But in the end what it is about is just being able to know when to let the reader figure things out by themselves.
Another example is during the fight scene itself.
Do we really need to know things to this level of detail? Why do I say this? Because the story is being told from Packie's perspective, but yet we seem to be able to get insights into these bullies' mindsets. We should be seeing what Packie sees, but with even less information so that we can be shocked later by the trick. At this point we all already know, oh yeah, there's some kind of trick coming.
Just suggest things, maybe just a nudge or a weird look that doesn't actually mean anything to the reader, but only makes sense in context later. This showing of things lets us become more involved in the story as we put things together.
- Character cohesiveness
This is something that I'm very harsh about when it comes to the fics I read and write. Character. Everything in a story is about character, and it's very important to develop and pay attention to them. In the span of this story, I found myself wanting to know more. This small glimpse into their lives certainly don't tell us enough, and there's one thing that really bugged me.
You told us, in a 'telling' method, that Packie wasn't very good at talking and didn't have many friends. Yet, he's being invited to this big grand party? Also, when he gets there, he has no problem whatsoever talking to ponies and has no reservations. His actions aren't that of one who is scared or reserved.
In a story, what the reader picks up from individual actions weigh much more than what you tell us directly. If you want Packie to be one of those nervous kinds, then he has to act the role and be consistent.
He has no friends, but the first one to the door is his friend. He's quick and easy to defend Misty, and jokes around smoothly. I would think that a Stallion with shyness issues would find it a bit harder to do so. Not to mention, he jumped in so quickly to the fight that it didn't mesh with what I know about the character.
In fact, the story may have been more effective if you played off that weakness. So far, that mention of the weakness doesn't come into play anywhere in the actual execution of the later scene.
As a suggestion, what about if the bullies were going AFTER Misty, and Packie had to really struggle with his inner thoughts and his need to hide? He had to overcome his sense of fear and jump in to protect Misty. Being shy and having no friends usually means that one wouldn't just fight some guys for the sake of it. In fact, being smart and calm would mean you would walk away.
When writing OCs, be very careful to pay attention to how they are, because it affects everything else they do throughout the rest of the story.
Also, Misty isn't really developed well. Being the one who died, and being the one Packie loved, we need to know more about that... WHY he likes her, WHAT made her special. We can't just be told; again, we need to see evidence.
Pacing of the drop-off point
By 'drop-off point' I refer to the point where things start to change in emotional tone in a serious harsh way. Obviously, this would be the point of the car crash.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the scene except for the length.
It's both too short and too long.
What do I mean?
Well, for such things we can do it in one of two ways. Either extremely short. So short that it catches the reader by surprise and the reader is like 'oh what the heck just happened?!' and usually, it doesn't seek to even explain the accident. We find out what happened gradually in the following scene, which is Packie trying to save the both of them from the wreck.
The other way to do it is to extend it really long. Give the reader that gradual feeling of dread. Make things slow down and capture the few seconds in horrible detail that really put the reader into that moment. This also means that the second part, the rescue scene, can't be as vivid or long, but either way you do it, these are the most effective ways to channel the kind of drop-off you have in your story.
Right now it plays out like a regular scene, with things happening. In fact, rather than showing us how things slow down, you just TELL us 'and then everything slowed'. Don't make the reader do all the work... try to put some of those scenes into the fic so that the reader can really grab hold.
The Event
I think the last thing that I really found wanting was a bit more. A scene where you fight off some bullies for personal bravado is great and all, but is it enough to name your future kid after? I'm not sure. I felt that the event should have been far more weighty, like maybe she died when he was about to propose, or she died when something else happened. But the whole scene of a party is, while quite realistic, not as strong as something I'd see that you connect so much to. This one might just be me, and I'll be honest about that, but this is what I feel.
In fact, he didn't really do anything for her, even. He sort of just jumped into it by himself. He wasn't saving her from danger, it wasn't a threat situation... it seems shallow as something that the end frame is measured up against.
Well, either way, I've written far too much, I think, and probably you weren't even expecting a review this detailed. I shall stop here for now, but I genuinely hope this has been of some help.
Keep writing, keep thinking, and good luck for the future.
- KitsuneRisu