Eight years ago, Equestria emerged in the South Pacific Ocean. Two weeks after, the bureaus opened. Three weeks after that... they declared war.
Now, in the last days of man, a man fighting for humanity gets transported into a vastly different Equestria
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I greatly enjoy this rewrite. The opening scene was much better and smoother flowing. In addition, I like how you had TCB Twilight transferred to this "Widening the Lens"-type Equestria in addition to the HLF operative.
Some things I noticed:
Magazine not clip! Sorry, that mistake really ticks me off!
- it should be capitalized like this "North Atlantic Ocean.
1613007 It's a Glock 22. So it is a clip. If it was the MP5 it would be the magazine.
1613007 Nevermind I'm stupid. Fixed.
Well, this is going to be really interesting.
TCB!Sparkle! Don't you DARE do what I think you're gonna do!
*Draws the PAIN-O-MATIC 5000*
I'm serious!
1621193 Wait... what do YOU think she's gonna do? I already have the next chapter written out, but I'm still kind of curious
1636234 She will try and spew LIES about humanity into this dimension's ponies. She will try to 'purify' humanity.
I, for one, would see her die in a multitude of painful ways.
Oh shit balls. This is gonna get real nasty, real fast.
I like how you incorporated the flashbacks into the story. As for the city, I can safely say it's not NYC because as far as I know, there is no Queen Street in NYC. Also, NYPD uniforms are blue, not black.
Incoming shit storm. I'm going to guess Toronto or Quebec.
An interesting concept, however there are a few points that could do with some polishing;
- What the protagonist sees RD and PP I very much doubt that someone who has been what has would hesitate to fire on them, his life has revolved around doing such things in order to survive as a human. My advice would be for the gun to jam and for RD to knock him out in defense before bringing him into captivity.
-He speaks too easily, the exposition comes with ease. For the same reasons as above I would advise that the protagonist notes the human population, and uses that as the point to give the ponies a chance to explain themselves, and for him to explain himself.
-Finally how easily the alternate universe explanation comes up, from the pony POV it is far more likely that the protagonist is delusional, and there is no reason to think he has come from another world. I would advise having Twilight suggesting the alternate universe explanation in conjunction with the alternate Twilights' appearance.
Now that the suggestions have been completed, I would to remark on your successes. The Protagonist feels very much like a real person, he has good motivations and for the most part acts like a person from his timeline would. The back story is fleshed out and well written, the last few sentences cemented both the Protagonists' intelligence and a plot point.
I look forward to seeing more of this story.
BlackWinter
1673148 I agree with your points, but I don't think I'm going to rewrite this chapter. Thank you for the feedback.
It's Toronto. Lived there for a number of years.
Pretty good! btw i have this if you want to hear it
"No offense but that ponification, sounds like MASSIVE BRAINWASHING! I'm notsaying ponies are evil but frankly us as good, that very debatable. i mean look at the Trixie incident, she was ridicule to the point of poverty and was force to use dark magic,frankly speaking you guys paint us as HUGE hypocrites there." Twilight said
'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING THESE BEING KILLED PONiES!" The other twilight snapped
"Really cause to me it sounds like you lobotomize them to be happy zombies that will do anything normal ponies say, that is messed up. frankly it sounds like retribution and freedom from being happy zombies" rd pointed out
1801419 Hmm... polish it up, it's usable... I may use something similar to that effect. Thanks!
*Everyone looks at 2nd Twilight sparkle*
Human: YOU! YOU ARE DEAD! *Gets up*
Everyone else: *Restrain 2nd Twilight Sparkle, dispose of potions and let human beat the living shit out of her*
Robert Frost? Broke immersion right there
Just so you know, this "get the bullet out" thing is complete bullshit. It can be left inside safely most of the time.
Great so far.
1854205 Weeeel gimmie a name then
1854260 Oh, I'm aware. I just needed something for her to do.
She killed Angel Buny!
What happened to all the nukes
the beautiful nuclear fire easy win MUhahaha
dafuq mate
Hollywood science at it's best! Taking out bullets is an unbelievably bad idea on your own. In fact even in modern hospitals they hesitate to remove bullets as doing so might make things worse. Unless the bullet remnants are threatening something vital, most of the time they'll leave it in for later removal. It's just a hunk of metal despite hollywood acting like the bullets are radioactive and simply must come out. Plus taking them out can cause severe internal bleeding.
Also she's just walking away? She just got shot in the freaking shoulder so she shouldn't be able to move that leg without intense pain. Another piece of Hollywood BS. Shoulder shots are extremely dangerous as there are a lot of arteries and important muscles grouped around there. A shot there would likely tear through these and for all intents and purposes, disable the entire limb.
2286009 [you again...]
I'm not that informed in the medical sciences, so you'll have to forgive me here.
2286025 Yup! Me again. When you mentioned this story I thought I'd give it a try. I like the premise just not a fan of movie medicine practice. Just for future usage of wounds and such in stories, just think about what would be damaged in a blow to a certain location. Unless you never had biology of any kind, you should be able to get it right without having to go into too much detail.
Loving this so far.
Two f*cking years later...
Put in another chapter asshole
2286009 I think that's why he shot her there. A shoulder wound would be infinitesimally more debilitating to a quadrupedal species than to a bipedal species. But yeah the knifing out the bullet is dangerous as there are chances of slicing muscles, nerves, tendons, bone and could even cause irreversible structural damage to the limb.
Im really disapointed that its cancelled. I miself imagened how both worlds are. In TCB equestria every race was turned into pony or killed(dragon's grifons, Minotairs etc.) while in the other world there could be an elite squad made of all races and combat threats.
DID SHE JUST KILL IT!!!!?