- Member Since 24th May, 2014
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
TheCrimsonDM
Big fan of fantasy and lesbians. If you want magic, lesbians, or ponies, you've come to the right place. Follow me itch.io if you want to see my visual novels. https://thecrimsondm-vanillia.itch.io/
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lets see where this goes
Something tells me Twilight will be well bread in this story.
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She will be the finest baguette.
It looks very interesting.
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she will be the cutest bun.
Wonder how she's going to butter her friends up.
Will twilight be able to rise to the occasion? Or will she pitta out and be a bit flat?
Does Twilight have a doughy physique?
Will Pinkie ravenously devout a bakery ?
A loaf-changing experience, all she’ll knead is love! She’s scone to be a lot of fun!
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All of your puns are half-baked, and I'm almost ashamed to have risen to them.
Why not? She feeds fish to her otters.
I like the concept - let's see where it goes!
*Chuckles*
Okay, I gotta see where this will go!
Succubus Twilight has been used before, usually in a porn setting. You promise to give her a cleaner version, Okay, we will just see to that...
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Crust us, you’ll never find a crumby bread pun.
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Sticky drama all the way!
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Bah, rye so serious? Don't grain on their parade, my good creature! Don't you see they are on a roll?
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I know that and you know that, but her friends don't find out how blasé Fluttershy is about meat-eating until that one comic page where she's explaining that they're all on the menu and then caps it off with her usual "nature is so fascinating".
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I find this rather sub par,
You kneed more practice. *Damn that was already taken.
You need to grain more experience.
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)
Let's just hope she doesn't get a yeast infection from it.
(I'm so sorry
I must say, aside from some spelling & granary issues, this story looks like it'll be a lot of bun.
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Sounds like it would be not safe for buns
This has the potential to become a very fun little story.
But I suggest you either drop Luna's 'Ye Olde English' entirely, or get an editor with a knack for early modern English and 'Luna speak'.
Or at the very least read up on when to use 'thou' or 'thee' and decide whether Luna does use the 'royal we' or not. Right now her speech patterns are all over the place.
Many authors tie it to Luna's emotional state; she speaks normal/modern Equestrian when she's calm and only falls back into the old dialect when she's excited or under a lot of stress.
cup of coffee
they're
Should be a comma there.
Size
Wrong spacing. Also, since that's the title of a book, it should be capitalized - "Love Upon Magic Wings" (Though whether 'upon' gets capitalized varies from person to person, as with most prepositions longer than three letters).
***
Interesting start, definitely got some potential for comedy. Hoping it doesn't go with the whole mind/emotion alteration that many stories about succubi tend to indulge in, but that's just a personal thing.
Also, in terms of the early modern english for Luna, a good way to tell when to use 'thee' and 'thou' is to transpose a sentence in your head to the third person - "You look nice" to "He/she looks nice". Then, if any given pronoun would use 'he' or 'she', you use 'thou', and if it would use 'him' or 'her', you use thee - thou is subject, thee is object.
nice work
Out of curiosity...
Are you merely saving your depravity until after graduation?
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no, this takes place in season 3 before magical mystery cure.
Edit: this story will not be covering the end of season 3, or season 4 proper. There's a reason for the AU tag.
.......all this fic is an excuse to have an immortal mane 6 policule XD
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Thank you for letting me know you don’t understand what I posted.
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Apologies for the misunderstanding.
if your asking if there will be lewd stuff before Twilight ascends to alicornhood (aka her graduation into princesshood) yes there will be the lewdness before then.
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No. I did not ask that. I don't remember asking you anything. I was making a witty quip... to Twilight... as I was noting the ironic part of "though one day she would graduate" as if waiting for the day she could be lewd or depraved. As if the Twilight we know only exists because she thinks Celestia wants her that way, as if she is not allowed to be herself because... herself in all honesty.
I could go into more detail but I hope you understand what I originally posted.
You could have kept the quip going by responding as Twilight but now the vivisection is complete and the joke is dead.
I partly dread the next chapters as the subtleties I noticed in this one might have been on accident.
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understood, however take note that you asked an open question in the comment section of the story which is where 99 percent of questions looking for meta answers are placed. A simple italics or simply rephrasing it as directed to 'twilight' would have likely cleared up any confusion.
when open questions are asked in comments, it is usually a reader/player looking for an answer from the writer/dev. Celestia knows I get questions on if a feature will be in a game or story every day, hence why I attempted to answer your question to the best of my ability given the original wording of it.
(the 'your depravity' I read as being the author adding in lewd content, not directed at twilight, but I can see where you were going now)
as for what's in the story itself, you'll have to wait and see. there will hopefully be some fun subtle stuff going on, but I never promised this would be a good story. Just a funny one.
nice work
["Never you mind on that, Twi. Yer precious and we're keep'n ya that way. Else princess Celestia will eat our homes."
Never heard of a precious succubus
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lol welcome to our world. Precious succubus ahoy.
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thanks, always nice to hear from ya XD
She'll get to stay precious. There can be no failing with this.
Is poor Spikey gonna be left out of all these shenanigans? :P
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Mmm smokey ashen dragon flavor....
well I won't spoil anything yet XD
Might be the first story I've seen where succubus and anthro aren't used together. I love it even before I start reading 😁.
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Really? Well glad to be the first lol.
I had noticed a distinct lack of feral monster girls, but I thought that was just me XD
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Depends on how far you go with the contextual definition of 'precious'. She's not the only succubus who wouldn't be able to ride a bicorn, for example.
How they treat her is so sad. You can tell they don't see her as a mare; only a foal.
Okay, still interesting, but this chapter seems like it needs proofreading - there were a lot of paragraphs and sentences that don't flow properly or need commas to break them up. It's not enough to ruin the story or anything, but it is a bit distracting.
So, the situation is heating up. What will happen at the upcoming party? Will the shock be the starting point for Twilight in her becoming a succubus?
Don't miss the continuation after the coffee break.
And now seriously. so far, a lot is unclear, but there is a hint that Cadance is very much involved in what is happening.
Very good need more
Fluttershy’s been indulging in Tirek’s lettuce, it seems.
nice work look forward to more
D'you wanna tell 'er, or should I?
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Maria may be older, but she's shorter. Celestia is taller than Luna, ergo "big sister." :P
Wait, so Twilight's surge may not have been just the Rainboom? 😂
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I was more referring to the fact that Luise (not sure if there's an actual feminine equivalent to Luigi) always plays second fiddle to Maria, except for those rare occasions where Maria isn't playable.
Getting closer to the mind break. It's just underneath the surface, pushing and prodding....
nice work
Good thing Spike got Greed?