And the father, and the father, and the mother, and the mother, and the mother...
The Pillars of Equestria were heroes of legend before their banishment to Limbo - ponies larger than life, seemingly able to only exist in fairy tales and stories told over a crackling campfire. Since their return they had managed somewhat quieter lives, but that was a very relative term. They remained notable ponies who attracted considerable attention, drew attention wherever they went, and were quite busy in their 'retirement'.
So gathering all seven (for were they truly complete without Stygian?) in one place was a difficult proposition even for the Princess of Friendship. But she had managed it, and done so shockingly without telling any of them why she had gathered them.
Thus they all sat in a semi-circle in a meeting room of the Castle of Friendship. Though to be frank, 'meeting room' was generous: technically Library Sub-Annex H, which had been converted by placing a small round table in the middle. It was as nondescript as a room composed entirely of crystal inside a magic castle could be, but it did have a nice window that looked east over Ponyville's market square and Spike had done his best to spruce it up with a vase of flowers.
So there the Pillars waited with a nice light lunch for the Princess to tell them what epic adventure they were about to embark upon. (That there could be another reason never occurred to any of them: what else would she need them gathered for?)
About fifteen minutes after the food was served, Twilight Sparkle entered. Beside her was the ever-helpful Spike (carrying a tray with fresh lemonade, perfect for the early summer day) and Twilight Sparkle.
They all froze for a moment at the presence of two Twilights, one slightly shorter and a bit more sparkly than the other. The smaller stood stiffly, eyes flickering around the waiting guests.
Rockhoof - unshakable as ever - was the first to react with a quiet chuckle. "So you've got a changeling friend with you, lass?"
"I am not a changeling," noted the sparkly Twilight with an even, detached tone. "I am a tree."
Instantly, Mage Meadowbrook surged to her hooves. "Somnambula! Get Fluttershy, she'll know where to find Zecora. Stygian, I need you to go through my bag and find the jar labeled–"
"Wait wait!" The bigger Twilight spread her wings wide, grabbing the Pillars' attention. "It's not Swamp Fever!" That was enough to stop Meadowbrook for the moment, and Twilight turned to her other self. "I think you need to explain yourself a bit better."
The smaller Twilight blinked and tilted her head to the side for a moment. "Ah. Yes, I see the misunderstanding." She straightened up. "I am the Tree of Harmony. Or more accurately, what you are seeing is the projected avatar of the Tree of Harmony, chosen for ease of interaction with beings inhabiting the physical realm within the bounds of linear time."
Silence overwhelmed the room. For about three seconds - then it was Starswirl's turn to swiftly rise. He eagerly circled the Tree, looking the image over with a critical eye. "Fascinating!" His horn lit, magic reaching out to touch the edges of the Tree's form. "While there's certainly considerable magic here, it doesn't match any illusion spell I've ever encountered. Why, it seems to almost be a natural effect like a mirage!" He reached out but found no physical body there.
The Tree turned her head to look at Starswirl. "Please do not place your hoof inside my abdomen. While I do not have physicality and thus cannot feel the sensation, it is rude."
The other Pillars all broke out into quiet laughter as Starswirl - chastized and blushing - stepped back. "Apologies. I, ah, let my curiosity get the better of me for a moment."
"It is fine." The Tree looked between the seven. "I requested that Princess Twilight Sparkle ask for your presence so that I could address you as a collective group. As you are undoubtedly aware, one thousand seventy-two years ago you each infused a crystal with traces of your magic. You were cast into Limbo shortly afterwards, but those seeds grew into the Tree of Harmony - myself." She paused to meet each of the seven's eyes in turn. "Each of you contributed aspects of yourself to my arcanobiology, and Princess Twilight Sparkle has observed that in traditional terms this means that you are my parents."
Dead silence rang out. None of the Pillars moved a muscle, which made Twilight herself start to shift her weight nervously from hoof to hoof.
The Tree, however, continued without seeming to notice the discomfort. "At the encouragement of my friends at the School of Friendship, I have been attempting to engage in such traditional activities and relationships. As such, I felt it was wise to introduce myself to my parents at this juncture with the hope that it will facilitate future social interactions."
The Pillars looked between each other as each tried to come to grips with the announcement. Meadowbrook - who had since sat back down - hummed quietly. "Is that how this works? That seems a mighty long leap of logic to me. A family tree's one thing, but a family tree is a whole different matter."
"No, it's true." Starswirl scratched his bearded chin. "I had not thought about it in such a way, but now that it's pointed out? It's an accurate summation. Our collective magic - elements of our very souls - went into the creation of this tree. Were it merely a golem or an artifact I would argue otherwise, but it is most certainly an independent being. Thus…" The old stallion frowned. "Thus calling it our collective child is not incorrect."
Flash Magus clapped his hooves, drawing attention over to him. "Well I for one am happy about this! I always wanted a so– dau–" His face screwed up in thought briefly before he turned to the Tree. "Um. If you don't mind me asking…"
If the implied question bothered the Tree of Harmony, it didn't appear to. (But then again, the Tree had yet to show visible emotion. Or breathe. Or blink.) "While technically as a crystaline-based arcanoform I do not have any gender attributes, I have decided that female pronouns would be most appropriate as my projected avatar is based off Princess Twilight Sparkle."
"And," the real Twilight cut in, "Before you ask, 'anypony' is still accurate. While she isn't a pony per se, it's the simplest way. We tried a few other things like 'anytree' or 'everymetaphysicalconcept' but those just made conversations more confusing."
Nodding, the Tree agreed. "My intent with this is to better connect with other creatures. Separating myself by choice of identifiers would be counter-productive to those ends."
The answer seemed to satisfy Flash, who nodded. "Daughter, then." And he smiled broadly. "Wonderful. By Pegasopolan tradition, I think this means I need to gift you your first piece of armor. I'm thinking a cuirass of some sort for your trunk. It's about a thousand years overdue, but in my defense I was trapped outside of time and space."
Starswirl quietly grumbled something about how some ponies needed to move on and stop harping about that. (The others ignored him as usual.)
"Well I owe her some proper grooming." Mistmane quietly laughed, more to herself than anypony else. "My family's legacy has been in the growing and maintaining of plants, and if my daughter is a tree I feel it's my responsibility to ensure she is properly cared for."
"And spending two years as the Crystal Empire's royal landscaping artist should give you plenty of experience with crystal plants," Rockhoof eagerly pointed out.
For the first time since the meeting began, the Tree showed emotion: an eager (if slightly artificial) smile. "I would appreciate such actions. I am currently a treehouse but my occupant-friends would most likely approve of professional refinements to my physical form. Silverstream has repeatedly suggested that I am not sufficiently on fleek."
Mistmane just… stared for a moment before her brain reset with a jolt. "Well, yes! Of course. We'll sit down and do something about… that. But later on, dearie." Her gaze went to Rockhoof, silently but undeniably suggesting it was his turn to speak.
The bulky stallion shifted uneasily in his chair, his burst of eagerness evaporating like fog in sun. "Well, if I must? I can't say this sits entirely right with me. The lass is, well." Rockhoof frowned as he searched for the right words. That several of the others were already looking at him with disappointment didn't help. "I've no problem calling her family, but I dinnnae know if I'm comfortable with daughter." His eyes turned to the sparkling Sparkle. "No offense."
"I do not take any." The Tree nodded slightly. "This is perhaps sensible, given the socio-cultural standards of Helmian clan structures. I am comfortable being considered as part of your extended tribal community group if you are not eager to identify me as kin by blood." She paused for a beat. "As I do not have any blood."
Rockhoof held back a giggle. "Was that a joke, lass?"
The Tree didn't answer - directly. She simply tilted her head to the side and smiled the way a mannequin would.
"Speaking of not being family." Stygian as always moved to save his companions from their own errors. He stood, rising out of his seat. "I fear that you invited me here by accident, madam. I am sorry, but I never contributed anything to those crystals and so I'm not related to you." He bowed, voice full of regret. "I should probably leave the family reunion to the family."
"Stay." It was a command - but a soft one. A gentle one. "You are not a donor to my arcanobiological makeup, but you are family." The Tree looked to Twilight, who got the clue. The young Princess put a comforting hoof on Stygian's shoulder where her non-physical duplicate couldn't. "The Pillars of Equestria would not be complete without you. And in turn this family would not be complete without you. Perhaps if you are not comfortable as a father, I could address you as uncle."
A tiny, unfamiliar smile rose to Stygian's lips. "Uncle Stygian." He half-said it just to himself, trying the words on for size. "Yes," he decided a moment later. "Yes, I do think I rather like that."
And immediately Rockhoof grabbed him in a friendly headlock. "Aye, and it suits you well!"
The pair wrestled and laughed - but on the other side of the table, Starswirl looked to the one member of the group who had yet to speak. "Somnambula. You are certainly the most thoughtful of us all, and yet you seem to have no words. What vexes you, my friend?"
The pegasus - who had to this point simply been watching the proceedings - turned her head to Starswirl. "I am merely thinking of how to best approach a tangential issue. It is one of my own to resolve and while related to what goes on here, I do not feel it would be helpful to share with everypony."
Of course, that immediately drew the attention of Twilight Sparkle (because of course it did.) Perking up, the Princess' finely honed Friendship Radar locked onto Somnambula. "You should always share concerns with your friends! That's what we're here for, and getting feedback and guidance from them makes solving any problem easier!"
Starswirl opened his mouth to stop Twilight, but it was too late.
"I was considering if this means that I am a MILF and if it would be useful to add that to my dating profile," Somnambula dropped without even a blink.
Twilight's eyes unfocused, her jaw went slack, and she stared blankly ahead while her brain struggled to reconcile that.
Somnambula simply shrugged. "I am a figure of myth and legend, but I still have needs."
Meadowbrook waved a hoof in front of Twilight's face and got no response. "Som, sug, what've I told you about breaking alicorns?"
The pegasus blinked. "You've never said anything about that to me before."
"Yeah, because I thought not doin' it was implied!" Meadowbrook sighed and rubbed the bridge of her muzzle. "Somepony help me get her sat down so at least she's not standin' there like a statue." Flash Magnus swiftly assisted and they managed to get Twilight sitting in his seat. Meadowbrook shook her head again at the sight. "Land's sake, look what you've done to the poor girl." Leaving the scolding at that, she turned to the plant of the hour. "Anyhoo. Welcome to the family, such as we are. Mighty nice to have you. We should have a sit some time and get to know each other better."
The Tree nodded mechanically. "I would enjoy that. And I am very appreciative of the general acceptance of our collective relationship status. While Princess Twilight Sparkle assured me that you would be receptive, I could not deny it was possible she was incorrect and this would become awkward. The positive results allow me to begin stage two."
Spike - knowing his cue - opened the door to admit yet another pony into the mix. She was a tall unicorn with an abnormally long horn and a pale pink coat; the blue of her snowflake cutie mark matched the color of her Princess-like regalia. In addition to that, there were three things about her that stood out. The first was her flowing mane: dark pink that transitioned into midnight blue that waved in an ethereal wind. The second was that her body was slightly translucent, marking her as being of the Crystal Pony tribe despite her horn. And third was that her entire form sparkled and shimmered just like that of the Tree.
She crossed the room quickly to stand beside the Tree of Harmony. They reached out to one another and - despite the Tree's non-physical form - held hooves. This time the Tree's smile was far more genuine and real, rooted in true emotional happiness rather than simply trying to mimic the mannerisms of those around her.
"Moms. Dads. I would like to introduce you to the Crystal Heart. We're dating."
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Weirdly makes sense
Howdy, hi~!
This was dumb, I loved it, 10/10. Great premise and I loved that each got a moment with the Tree of Harmony. Also, perfect ending note for this. Banger of a read, thanks~!
"We also tried 'anybody', but, well, no body." ("Please do not demonstrate again," muttered the Tree.) "And we can't even do 'anyone', because we're still not sure she doesn't have any clonal colonies..."
A wonderful combination of heartfelt and severe comedic whiplash (the best kind), especially Somnambula as a MILF and that last line. Thank you.
Daft fun. I love that ending. n_n
How exactly does one do that?
I suppose bringing up that Starswirl’s original plan to stop Shadow Stygian would have destroyed the Elements and left the Tree to die, would be gauche.
Absolutely hilarious. That ending was perfect. Somnambula's comment and Twilight's reaction was hilarious. Also loved how accepting the pillars were here. Also also. Uncle Stygian. Perfect.
Nice
And like that, she’s the best character in the fic.
And like that, the Tree snagged the title of best character back.
Huzzah, more Tree fics! This was AWESOME!
This needs a sequel, this time involving the Tree of Harmony and the Crystal Heart going on a date.
You... you can't drop a bombshell like that and leave us hanging... this needs a sequel
Jokes apart, nice story. I wonder how other beings, like Discord, would fit.
You know, this would make a fun series.
11678532
Cadence: Crystal! You better be home by 10 PM! Shining can only shield the Empire that long, and if you don't then you're GROUNDED young... gemstone?
We have a handful of fics where the Tree of Harmony is sentient, and we have a hundred Spiderman stories. Peter Parker deserves a tag too!
11678710
Discord might show up for their date, if it causes enough chaos to attract his attention ... Course, he might show up to cause some to see the reactions afterward ... tough to say ...
God damn it, T.
This was hilarious, and damn I still love that shitpost cover art.
I came in half-expecting a shit-post story, but I stayed because it's quite well-written and the story doesn't take itself too seriously, which I find to be a strength.
Well done! I liked this. Especially the end.
There is this silly part of me, there was thinking Twilight might try her luck with her there. But Twilight locking up is funny as well.
this story is the perfect blend of comedy and family sweetness
[rimshot]
That ending came out of left field xD Hilarious fic. It's hard to write the tree well, but you definitely got her mannerisms down pat. We need more fics with her as a main character
... Yeah, I'll ship it.
That ending. What a wonderful story. But now the big question... what to name the ship. TreeHeart? HarmonyCrystal? Urg!
11678367
You ask in the Discord. If the character has more than three stories where they're named, you're likely to get your request done. That's how Grand Pear got added as a character tag, too, if memory serves.
This is gold
I love the long history of sheer bullcrap implied in this one short sentence.
That was so awesome. I can't believe nobody has posted this yet:
m.quickmeme.com/img/7a/7a794c287aeb02c6b17dd6bf864c3c7c3989e48edce16ec5582c117772da7dec.jpg
5 out of 5 Spikestaches.
And a facehoof for breaking Twilight.