Rainbow Dash vs Chair

by 6-D Pegasus

Rainbow VS THE CHAIR

Rainbow Dash flew lazily in a circle. Clouds circled overhead. The sun was really hot and Rainbow knew it.

She knew it too well.

...now she was thirsty.

"Thanks Celestia" Rainbow grumbled as she descended down to Ponyville. Upon landing, she folded her wings tightly to her side and gazed around town.

No, I don't need peanuts. No, I don't need any sofas. No, I don't need extra quills. I just need-

Her gaze fell upon a water stand in the distance.

Aha! Water! Sweet, sweet, amazing, wonderful water!

Rainbow's tongue lolled out of her mouth in pure desire to quench her thirst. She stretched her wings open and took off towards the-

BONK!

"Ow! What the-?"

Rainbow tumbled and rolled through the dirt before skidding to a stop. Quickly, she climbed back to her hooves and glared back to what had just tripped her.

A green, unoccupied lawn chair sat completely undisturbed.

"Who put this lawn chair in the middle of the freaking street?!"

All the other towns ponies glanced awkwardly at each other, some shuffling on their hooves and others backing away, trying to hide themselves from her piercing gaze.

"Well?!"

"It was me, Rainbow."

Rainbow blinked in surprise. "What?! Wha- who said that?"

"I did."

Rainbow looked down and to her horror, realized the voice was coming from the lawn chair. Its disembodied voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"That's right, Rainbow. I am the dark force of Njendfec, and I seek to destroy all of Equestria! However, my banishment has left me in a weakened state. So, I have possessed this lawn chair and slowly moved myself to this very spot so that, hours later, you would unwittingly fall into the trap and stub your hoof on my unyielding surface. In your injury, you will be too weak to stop me and I will be able to possess you and destroy Celestia and her infernal sister forever!"

Rainbow blinked. "I mean, that sounds cool, but like, you're a lawn chair."

The lawn chair lawn-chair'd. "Okay? And?"

Rainbow cocked her head. "I mean, you can't do anything, you're an inanimate object."

The lawn chair began to glow and vibrate evilly. "That's what you think! Over the many years, I have gained access to much more powerful abilities! OBSERVE!"

The lawn chair began slowly moving towards Rainbow Dash, no visible force in sight. Against all likelihoods, the chair inched closer and closer, all the while the evil force laughed maniacally as-

"Okay nice, you can move by yourself. I can just... walk away."

To prove her point, Rainbow casually trotted a few body lengths away and immediately quadrupled the distance between her and the chair.

"I see. You are extremely clever, blue pegasus. You have my respect."

"I just walked awa-"

"HOWEVER! I imagine you did not foresee THIS coming!"

Suddenly, the lawn chair folded and fell flat to the ground. For what seemed like an eternity, everyone stared at the flat chair in silence until it unfolded itself rapidly and dove towards Rainbow, colliding straight with her head.

"Wha- ow!"

The chair let out another deep chuckle. "How's that?! You thought you could get away, but you didn't think I could actually leap using the folding mechanics of this prison! Now there's nowhere you can hide, nowhere you can run, where I can't follow you! You are doomed!"

Rainbow scuffed awkwardly on her hooves.

"Well?! Tremble in fear! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"

Rainbow unfurled her wings and took to the air, bringing herself to a hover at about a two-story building's height off the ground. She peered down curiously at the chair.

"... get back down here."

Rainbow scoffed. "What?! Now you want me to come down?"

"Yes, this is cheating."

Rainbow roared in laughter. "Cheating?! You want to take over my body and destroy the princesses, how is me flying away from you cheating in any way?! This isn't even a game!"

The chair sat there menacingly. "Nuh huh."

"What is that even supposed to me-"

"RAINBOW!"

Rainbow's ears perked and she looked to the right to see a familiar white unicorn rushing over to her. Taking care to avoid the menacingly evil lawn chair, she returned to the ground near her friend."Hey Rarity, what's up?"

"You need to marry me right now!"

Rainbow blinked in confusion. "Ma- marry you? We're not even dating!"

Rarity fell to her hind legs and latched onto Rainbow desperately. "You HAVE to! I don't have enough bits to pay my taxes unless I file jointly with a partner, and you're my only hope!"

Rainbow laughed. "Really, Rares? For taxes? I'd love to help you, but not like tha-"

"YOU MUST!" Rarity leaned in a little closer and brought her voice down to a whisper. "I know you spent an exceedingly high amount of bits this week on Daring Do merchandise and you haven't done your taxes either. Believe me, darling, I do my research."

Rainbow's eyes shrank to pinpricks. "How do you kno-, whatever! I'll figure something out! But I'm not going to enter a life-long binding and affectionate agreement with you just to avoid a single year of slightly missed taxes! I won't have time for the Wonderbolts!"

The chair flopped uselessly in the distance as it tried to slowly close the distance. "You cannot escape me, blue pony. I will devour your-"

Rainbow put a hoof up to shush the spirit. "Not helping, go away." Rainbow turned back to Rarity. "And don't you have a crush on Trenderhoof anyways?"

Rarity glanced to the side. "I- no, I got over him!"

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Then why do I see Spike occasionally carry in new pictures of him to your boutique?"

"HE DOES NO-, I mean, that is completely false. Because I want you! I love you, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity dived crazily for Rainbow, her lips puckered, but Rainbow quickly round-house kicked her to the ground.

"I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL!"

Rainbow moved to shush the spirit again, but then an idea flashed through her mind. "Oh, I got it, Rares!"

She dragged the barely conscious Rarity over to the lawn chair, which continued to sit there.

"Rarity, you marry the weird lawn chair spirit thing, and file your taxes jointly with him. And, um, chair person, you can take over Rarity's body through marriage because that's pretty much what marriage is isn't it?"

Both chair and unicorn snapped up. "THAT IS NOT-"

Rainbow clapped her hooves together to silence them. "Perfect! All good? All good! Now I need that water!" She opened her wings and took off for the water fountain, leaving Rarity and the chair to stare at each other. Eventually, Rarity began blushing.

"So, Mister lawn chair, what do... you like to do on summer days?"

The lawn chair began to answer, but Rainbow was too far away to hear. Finally, at long last, she reached the water fountain. She grabbed a paper cup in her hoof and placed it under the spout, using her nose to push the button to let the stream of cool, glistening... nothing out.

"What?! Where's the water?!"

Rarity piped up from the distance. "Sorry darling, I drank the last of it after I poured it into my ice cream while crying about my taxes!"

Rainbow grumbled to herself. "...thanks Celestia."

Author's Note:

written in exactly 30 minutes (not including story creation, description, tagging, and cover art, which took a total of 1-2 minutes). No editing/proofreading

A friend told me it's hard to write terrible intentionally so I said bet and here we are after 30 minutes of my life forever gone that I'm never getting back and I'll probably forget what the heck I wrote here by the time this thing becomes public

I failed the challenge :c, from multiple pre-readers noting it reads more nonsensical and trying to be bad, but not actually coming across as poorly written.

You were right, Pi, writing bad intentionally is an art!

Comments

[ScarredVirtue]

*Shakes head*

Tsk, tsk, Rarity.
Going from fainting couch to lawn chair is a big downgrade for you.

[Suspicious Stew]

This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair. This chair.

real ones understand

[gapty]

Perfect

[Dontar]

I lol'd at the ending

[starcoder]

such meaningful story, very cute 😂

[Coltamane]

"Rainbow roared in laughter. "Cheating?! You want to take over my body and destroy the princesses, how is me flying away from you cheating in any way?! This isn't even a game!"

I can't tell, is there not meant to be a quotation mark before Rainbow roared in laughter, I only ask because I don't know if there's meant to be grammar errors in this, I mean that sounds strange but the point of this was to be poorly written.

[6-D Pegasus]

11649144
Woops! Actual typo, nice catch!

[Tael_Spinner]

For what seemed like an eternity, everyone stayed at the flat chair in silence until it unfolded itself rapidly and dove towards Rainbow, colliding straight with her head.

Stayed is probably a typo.

[6-D Pegasus]

11649163
Another great catch, thank you!

[SpookySocks]

"It was me, Rainbow."

"It was me, rainbow. I was the one who hacked your account and made you send silly pictures of yourself to your crush Fluttershy"

[DrCygnus]

Rarity piped up from the distance. "Sorry darling, I drank the last of it after I poured it into my ice cream while crying about my taxes!"

who the fuck pours water into their ice cream?

[bkam]

Honestly, I think the chair from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was deadlier.

[CIA]

this read like a monty python skit and I'm all for it

[Curtis Wildcat]

And no one heard Rainbow at all, not even the chair. >^_^<

[tailsopony]

11649267
Rarity. Before she drinks her watery ice cream soup and commits tax evasion by marrying a chair. Keep up.

[Hillbe]

Thank you Spike, I could of....
yea that chair was kind a creepy, So we're really married?
Yes for the mutual benefits, , ,

Twilight darling I am getting quite a nice tax credit this year. Sorry for Rainbow being tardy as she is
Taxes? Didn't you get this moons notice? Taxes are suspended because of new tariffs on imports.
What? There must be some kind of mistake, how? Who thought of this?
Spike and I worked on this for months
Spike? My Spikey Wikey? Precious Scales? SPIKE!
Mutual Benefits... Like no taxes or late fees like Benefits
Rarity, Are you okay?
Married . . . Spike. . .Benefits...Benefits
DISCORD STOP LAUGHING
Spike you didn't
I do'ed it, I'm such a bad dragon... Na I'm good.

[Lucky Dreams]

You're right, you did kinda fail your challenge here -- this is way too good, and I had a great time with it!

The lawn chair lawn-chair'd.

Haha!

"You need to marry me right now!"

Hahaha!!

[Axolotl222]

"Rarity, you marry the weird lawn chair spirit thing, and file your taxes jointly with him. And, um, chair person, you can take over Rarity's body through marriage because that's pretty much what marriage is isn't it?"

Hey, she said it, not me

[TearingNose24]

11649295
Agreed.

[Coltamane]

11649148
Glad I could help.

[Enzolay]

I can't believe this cause my friend Rabo is gonna publish this Fanfic reading on his channel on 27th july 2023 at 4pm est and i just read it upfront, TOO FUNNY

[Fluttershyisacutegal]

the evil lawn chair will have its revenge ooooh

[SeventhBrony]

Of course it's a lawn chair. If it wasn't a chair that was the villain of this story it would be a furby.
Haven't they come back out with those satanic things?

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

Admiral Biscuit wrote a small town weekly newspaper article. It's in Pony Planet: Side Stories the chapter "New Embasee"

His Author's Comment mentioned that it was harder than you'd think to deliberately write that bad.

Plus the follow up story "Ponyville Express Special Edition".

The chapter "From The Baltimare Sun" has a coherent account of the same events from a different slant.

[EndlessPossibilities58]

Now, I mean it endearingly when I say this but... WHAT THE #*%@ DID I JUST READ!?

[6-D Pegasus]

11651230
BAAHAHAHAHAHA

[LocalMedicMain]

Bruh. I was literally writing a story just like this... The only difference is the object and pony! Even the title is the same format. If I hadn't procrastinated on it I might've posted it on time. Well, now I gotta change it, or just scrap it all together. This sucks.

[Mystic Sunrise]

11652597
Don't do either of those. Just because someone did a story similar to yours doesn't mean you shouldn't publish it. Doubt the mods would say anything about it.
11649010
11648932
.

[MoonlightGlint]

The chair flopped uselessly in the distance as it tried to slowly close the distance.

For what it's worth this line is very poorly written.

[TheOneAJ]

[Okie Brony]

Evil lawn chair is best pony.

Here's wishing Chairity many happy moons together. I'm just disappointed that nobody has posted this yet:

quickmeme.com/img/7a/7a794c287aeb02c6b17dd6bf864c3c7c3989e48edce16ec5582c117772da7dec.jpg

[Tape Deck]

"Okay nice, you can move by yourself. I can just... walk away."

Chair and Micheal Meyers share a conundrum, methinks.

Also, I emphasize with your failure at bad writing. This was actually a pretty good fic, despite the contained within it.

[Jymbroni]

destroy Celestia and her infernal sister forever!"

I'm ready to fold this chair real f'ing quick.