Hoof It
“Lad, that hit the spot,” she groaned, reclining and patting her stomach.
Nodding, he pushed himself up, gathered up the emptied plates, and turned away. “Glad you liked it.”
The good news was that their meal had gone off without incident, barring when she’d virtually fellated his hand to eat some garlic bread - the bad news was that the dinner was only the first hurdle he had to clear. He looked over his shoulder as he passed the bar, ensuring she wasn’t looking at him, and grabbed a bottle of booze from one of the shelves. Though it may have been unnecessary, having a bit of pot-valiance sure as shit couldn’t hurt with what he was about to do.
He didn’t bother to wash the dishes, simply tossing them into a sink of soapy water for the time being, but he did help himself to a swig of the spirit he’d snatched. He didn’t know the first thing about dancing, let alone dancing with a massive equine, so he couldn’t see things going smoothly from here on out. Stashing the bottle in one of the many cabinets, he wheeled around and strolled back to his awaiting date.
Though he’d only been gone for less than a minute, Haggis had made herself busy in his absence. Not only had she dabbed the marinara sauce and most of her makeup off her face, but she’d shoved the table they’d dined at over to the side and cleared the floor. Standing beneath a hanging lantern, bathed in warm light, she lifted a forehoof and beckoned to him.
“Shame we don’t have any music,” she halfheartedly lamented, smirking over at him, “but it shouldn’t matter too much.”
Unable to contain his smile, he altered course and sauntered behind the bar. Many months ago, shortly after she’d saved and employed him, he’d discovered a phonograph in the loft while exploring the place. The piece of equipment was dusty, beaten to hell, and he’d only managed to find two intact records for the thing, but it was more than capable of fulfilling her little request.
Lifting and blowing the contraption off, he set it on the bartop. “So did you forget you had this?”
She eyed the machine for a moment and shrugged. “Where’d you find that?”
“Up in the attic,” he snickered, carefully slipping one of the cylindrical records in place before winding up the device.
“Honestly forgot I had it,” she groused. Watching him work, she stiffened. “What else did you find while you were snooping about?”
Setting the needle down, he flicked a switch and walked around to her. “Nothing much. There were some boxes, but I didn’t go through them or anything. That,” he explained, nodding back at the phonograph, “was just sitting out and covered in cobwebs.”
Looking slightly more relaxed than she had moments prior, she nodded. “Good.”
Making a mental note about her reaction, wondering if she had something stashed away she didn’t want him finding, he smiled and seized the initiative as the room was filled with classical music. There weren’t many things in the world that Haggis respected, but confidence seemed to be one of them - as such, giving her no warning, he wrapped an arm around the back of her neck, pressed his chest to her, and lifted her foreleg in one hand.
Her reaction to the brazen act was priceless. She went rigid, her eyes shot wide, and the barest hint of a blush crept into her cheeks, though she composed herself in an instant. Pulling her foreleg free, she brought her hoof to the small of his back and held him close while her expression hardened.
In a flash, she turned the tables on him in the most spectacular way. All it took was a small shove from her to send him reeling, knocking him off balance falling back against her foreleg. She stepped forward and leaned over him, smirking down at his aghast face as she held him in her iron grasp.
“Think you can pull a fast one on ‘ol Haggis ~ eh?” she tittered.
Managing to keep hold of her neck, he threw his head from side to side. “N…no!”
Stepping back and slipping her hoof to his arm, she spun in place and flung him to the side. His legs went out from beneath him, he yelped in shock, and the world became a blur of motion as she twirled and held onto his wrist. It was at that moment, whirling around and trying not to scream, that he realized he’d fucked up.
She stopped as abruptly as she’d begun, wrenching his arm and pulling him back to herself. Snagging him in her foreleg, she threw her head back and stepped to the right, then the left, as she began to actually dance with him. The slow, gentle movements stood in sharp contradiction to the absolute roller coaster she’d just put him through, yet his thundering heart and racing thoughts were immeasurably thankful for the change of pace.
“Move your hand lower,” she instructed. As his palm glided down her neck, she draped her head over his shoulder and hummed. “Can’t say I’ve ever done this with a biped before.”
“Same,” he thoughtlessly responded, peeking over at her.
She looked up at him with a single eye and grinned. “Guessing you meant you’ve never danced with a pony.”
Rubbing her upper back, he looked away from her. “Anyone really. Never had the chance to -”
“Bollocks,” she interrupted, continuing to lazily move from side to side. “You can’t tell me you’ve never done this with anypony before. Fine young lad like you surely had a lover or two in your day.”
He hung his head and sighed. “To be honest, I haven’t.”
With a small snort, she closed her eyes and tightened her grip on him. “Well I’m sure you’ll find your special somepony, lad.”
Following her movements and listening to the lilting, somewhat tinny tune coming from the phonograph, he rested his face against her neck. Though the opening moments of their little jig had been utterly pants-shitting, the comfort of being held, of basking in her warmth, were undeniably soothing. It had been years since he’d had so much as a hug - even then, it had been one from his mom, so he steadily succumbed to the soothing moment.
One track from the record bled into the next while they slowly danced their way around the room. At first, shortly after he’d arrived in Equestria, he’d yearned to return home to the world he’d been cast from, yet the urge to leave was growing progressively weaker. The land and its denizens, while colorful in more ways than one, were stimulating and genuinely fun to be around - moreover, he’d fallen into a supremely capable pair of hooves.
Pulling away ever so slightly, he lifted her head and ran his cheek up her neck. Haggis may have had her faults, but the same could be said for anyone; given the life she’d had and the bullshit she had to put up with on a regular basis, anybody in her situation would be excused for being a touch ornery - for fuck’s sake, he was already growing calloused to some of the usual drunkards’ hijinks. Staring over at her, he lost himself in her eyes.
Her breath washed hotly over his face, they went still as the final song faded into silence, and his heart skipped a beat. She could easily crush him in any sort of combat, she was grumpy more often than not, and she was infamous for her stoic disposition, which made the tender moment of vulnerability with her all the more magical. Maybe he’d been wrong - maybe him ending up in Equestria hadn’t been some cosmic mistake.
“Looking awfully hard,” she whispered as her hoof slipped lower.
With one hand wandering up to her jaw, he drifted closer. “Yeah…”
Their faces drew nearer to one another in the quiet stillness. He’d both heard about and seen scenes like this portrayed in film and books, junctures when a couple gave themselves to one another and their true feelings, though he could have never fathomed he’d experience one himself. Leaning in, he pursed his lips and yielded to his instincts.
With a hair’s breadth separating them, she faltered, darted to the side, pecked his cheek and released him. “Not this time, lad - not this time…”
Straightening up and looking over at her as she nonchalantly trotted to the kitchen, he scrunched his nose. The last thing he’d wanted to do was upset her or jeopardize the friendship he’d worked so hard to cultivate, so he was left torn on if he should follow her or stay where he was. Pushing open the door with one foreleg, she peeked back at him with a smile.
“Next time?” he repeated, unsure of the meaning of her words.
“Next time,” she quietly stated, “if you’re lucky…”
And with that nebulous promise, letting hope dangle from a gossamer thread, she was gone. In a word, he was speechless - not purely because of how she’d acted, but because of what he’d nearly done. He looked around himself at the tavern as he struggled to process everything that had happened. It was pitch black outside, all the furniture would need to be moved back where it belonged, and there were dishes to be cleaned - still, an inexplicable glee overtook him.
“Well,” he huffed, moving to and grabbing the nearest table, “no time like the present ~ right?” he asked, looking over to Dova’s stony countenance.
Unmoving, the draconic effigy looked on as impassively as ever as he began tidying up. In the grand scheme of things, it probably didn’t matter if he ever got back to Earth. People were boring, the world of man was disinteresting, and his life had basically consisted of distracting himself when he wasn’t asleep or working - all told, he’d only truly started living once he’d gotten to Equestria. Craning his head and looking up at the ceiling, hearing Haggis trotting overhead, he dwelled on her final words - ‘if you’re lucky…’
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I for one would love to read more stories featuring Haggis. I could take or leave most OCs, but she's genuinely interesting.
What a heartwarming chapter... I genuinely cannot wait to see how their relationship grows! It soothes the aching heart of a hopeless romantic. Great chapter, and absolutely lovely story!
I’m honestly a little sad the story ends here, our adventure with Anon and Haggis was short lived! But I enjoyed every step of the way. These last chapters were heartwarming and adorable, and I’m glad that the two of them are starting to see something in each other. I meant what I said before when this story works without romance, and now that we have a little of it, I’m ecstatic! I hope down the line, we’ll get more of these two sometime. Thank you for the ride Leech!
WAIT, IT'S OVER!? AUGH! Well, it was wonderful while it lasted. Thank you for bringing this to us, Leech! I'm truly grateful for the time I got to spend with this Story's anon and the surly yet charming Haggis.
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There may be more of her to come
NGL, she's an absolute delight to write
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We’re going to hold you to that!
Would have loved if when he turned to him Dova was giving him a thumbs up.
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Gratuitous amounts of asbestos
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I choose to not look at what the comment you're replying to said so as to have your comment be forever without context only the words, "gratuitous amounts of asbestos"
Also lovely story thank you
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Unfortunately, this seems to one of those stories that I would absolutely swear I added to my library, only to find it not there when I actually go looking for it. Either I'm wrong about adding it (which is weird, since I enjoyed it enough to recall), I'm scrolling right past it without realizing, or it maybe even got pulled by the author at some point.
Very sweet, this is why I follow you, you're an excellent writer
Love when you stretch your legs with a non-lewd fic like this and really show your good chops with writing.
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I wasn't expecting to be baited this hard when I checked the comment section, but now I really want to know what this was called.
"Uno mas." Apt title considering this left me wanting more.
clop sequel of "next time" soon perchance?
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https://ponepaste.org/2835
Some real gems there, if you spend the time to look. Some authors, bless them, have even been making the effort of converting them to something FimFiction-compatible and posting them here.
It truly is a rich mine of stories, just with a lotta slag to sift through.
And that's even without their recent troubles with bad-faith posting.
Good hunting!
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Damn dude, you rock. I had the feeling that it was a green, but I always have a lot of trouble finding them, even with ponepaste, and especially with oneshots.
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Oh my fucking goodness, THIS was the very story I was talking about. Only, I could have absolutely sworn I had it on FiMFic... Oh well, I got it now, and that's what matters!
Que? (Or nani, if you'd like
.)
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https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198207/the-good-hie-list/thread/519775/removing-content-that-is-sexualy-focused
That spawned a couple fics. I don't remember which one got featured, but I think it was this one.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/538367/sex-is-bad-and-you-should-feel-bad
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Sheesh, a lot of the contention in there, downvotes being thrown around like candy corn on Halloween.
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To help with the summer heat, do what I do: subject yourself to it at full, torturous force
I run ~3 miles on my lunch break every day, even in the blistering heat of summer (South East US)
If you methodically and masochistically desensitize yourself to it, it won't be all that bad
Only word of caution is to stay hydrated
11640641 Well, I tried to do that... and almost died from hypertensive crisis, heart palpitations, rhabdomyolysis...
My body simply can't handle high heat. It CAN take cold really well, however.
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Okay, (grins) I'll smile at you trolling me.
I think that I will go to Wattpad and follow Netap there...
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Nothing worse than the heat down there. Way too humid for my taste. My retreat isn't too far from Death Valley, and in the summer it's completely UNBEARABLE!
At least its a dry heat...
Oh, and the outside temperature at this moment here? 128 degrees... Good thing I have plenty of Gatorade
Lord. Almost went an entire story without the obligatory 'Equestria is better than earth and ponies are better than humans' prattle. The very last paragraph at that.
no meme, just a great ending...
until next time.
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So's a fire.
Very excited for a sequel hope it gets sexy
Dude, the world is not boring at all. I've met plenty of people in my life and got to see places and things and it wasn't boring for me. Life is what you make of it, and yeah, some people do get a short stick in life but if you've been giving a chance to pursue what you want, take it. I most certainly would be upset if I couldn't get back to Earth but I would make the most of Equestria or Equis or whatever the planet is called.
11642424 And hearts are nice and chewy!
.... I could also use a new one right now. Mine kinda sucks.
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Your remark regarding Equestria does have merit, I will agree. However, my meaning is that Equestria, and all of its characters, take me beyond this place we live in, and thus is my Nirvana, my Heaven.
Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic. So, sue me.
As childish as it is, Narnia does the same for me, as does Middle-earth. Or the Well World. Even the Ringworld, Also the planet Ishtar with its centaur-like inhabitants. You get my drift by now...
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I get the drift, believe me I do. I would still love to go there and Equestria is still a fascinating place. It too is my happy place, but I'm not blind to it's problems. I personally see them no better than humanity but damn, I do want me some pony cuddles and a waifu.
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ditto on that. And a dragon or three for a companion. Maybe a Yak for a pillow. I wouldn't care of Cozy went wild again. It's Equestria, and you just take the bad with the good. Easy-peasy.
Uh, you can keep Pinkie Pie, btw; I'm happy with Twilight, princess or not.
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Pinkie Pie would drive me up the wall. Rarity is forever single. Fluttershy is attached to Discord and is...dunno really. AJ is the only one of the m6 I can realistically see myself with but I'd rather go for an OC, background pony, or something.
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Let us be honest. Pinkie Pie is solely a cartoonish character. She could never exist in reality. Her legs would give out as soon as she began bouncing upon them. And I am not counting her ultra-speediness, either.
Rarity, well, is Rarity, the Prima Donna and drama queen. 'Nuff said about her. She's just the typical gold digger type. I've met so many girls just like her over the years...
Now, I do love Flutters. My complaint is how Discord attached himself solely to her and her alone. She has throughout the entire series tried to make Discord a better character, yet he sees her as more or less easily manipulable.
AJ, well, as I see it, she is simply the overly-used country girl type. I might like her, but to be honest, not my type.
Sure, Twilight is nerdy and bookish, but so am I. That said, if I could never be with her, or Starlight, for that matter, you'd find me in the Dragon Lands with Ember.
Twilight, Starlight, ember. My three waifus.
Never thought I'd say I wanted more Haggis... But here we are.
Thanks Leach, it's great to see your talented writing come through outside your standard faire just as well as it does there.
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Thanks
Regardless of what I'm writing, I do my best to make engaging content
Huh.. that was pretty damn good!
Took me a bit to get around to this one and damn now I wish I'd gotten to it sooner. Fuggin great story all the way to the end just leaving me wanting more of this mare an her idjet. Looking forward to maybe seeing her or them again 👍
Aww, it's over? Dang, I was really getting into this!
OOoo-wait! It has a sequel!No wait, I think it's different. The other giant pony image doesn't have a cigar in its mouth and doesn't look cranky.
That was an amazing fanfic to bad there is no sequel but I hope there is one day
*smashes mug on ground*
Another!