Slow Night
Bursting into the tavern, Anon slammed and threw his weight against the door. “Haggis!”
“Hmmph?” An inquisitorial grunt from behind him, somewhere near the bar, let him know that the mare had heard him.
He risked a glance over his shoulder and spotted her wiping off one of the tables. Given the hour, the place should have been a hotbed of activity, bustling with townsfolk and travelers alike, although the establishment was, save for himself, Haggis, and the dragonic effigy perpetually resting in one corner, completely vacant. Turning and placing his back on the door, he used his legs as a brace.
“Slow night ~ eh?” she huffed, glancing across the cavernous chamber at him.
“Slow night?” he dumbfoundedly parroted. “Slow night?!? Haggis, we need to leave!”
Straightening slightly, she tossed her rag over her shoulder and gave him her full attention. “Why?”
“I’m not sure if - Nnnnph,” he growled, biting back his frustration and stopping himself from making a somewhat disparaging comment about her age and apparent obliviousness. “Have you looked outside in the last hour?”
“No,” she flatly responded, steadily moving over to him. “Don’t tell me another bar opened. I swear on my father’s grave, it’d be a shame if another mysterious fire made sure I’ve got the only tavern in town…”
The implications were nearly enough to divert his thoughts from the catastrophe at hand - almost. Shaking his head, he stepped over to allow her to peek through the door’s peephole. He’d seen some pretty wild stuff since he’d been in Equestria, including a knock-down-drag-out brawl between a draconequus and an abyssinian sorceress, but the scene outside may have taken the cake.
Squinting through the small opening with one eye, she snorted. “Looks to be snowing pretty hard.”
“Does anything else catch your eye?" he hissed through gritted teeth.
She withdrew and shrugged. “You mean the ursa major?”
Gobsmacked, he mutely flapped his jaw for a moment. “Yeah…yeah, the ursa major…”
It was no secret that she had a number of adventures under her belt, having hinted at confrontations with ponies and beasts alike, but for her to brush off a rampaging, humongous beast was too much for his panicked brain to process. Stepping over to her, he grabbed her cheeks and stared into her eyes. Since the entire village was about to be demolished, he figured there was only one reasonable course of action: get the hell out of dodge and hopefully convince her to come with him.
“What are you doing?” she rumbled as her brow steadily furrowed.
“Haggis, listen, we have to - Mmmph,” he mumbled, cut short when she pressed a massive forehoof to his face and pushed him away. “We have to get out of here,” he pleaded, taking the hint and giving her a bit of space. “For all we know, that thing could head this way!”
“And?” she countered.
“And? And?!?” he raged. “Haggis, it’s an ursa major - an ursa major! We wouldn’t even be an appetizer for something that big - hell, it could turn the tavern inside out without even -”
“Hah!” she harshly laughed. “It could try.”
Frantically waving his hands, he shied away. “Wait wait wait - are you drunk?”
Again she shrugged. “I won’t deny having a draft or two ~ why?”
“You aren’t seriously thinking about trying to fight that thing ~ are you?” he bleated.
She was tough as nails, he wouldn’t question that, but there way in hell she was bat-shit crazy enough to take on an ursa major. For starters, while she was pretty damn big for a pony, she was downright tiny compared to the monstrosity making a mess of the village - secondly and even more alarmingly, she was no spring chicken. She may’ve been able to pit herself against a fucking kaiju if she was in her prime and with an elite, highly skilled team, but even that would be a stretch.
Languidly turning away, she groaned and moved to the back of the bark. “Come on…”
His eyes lit up and a glimmer of hope washed over him. As shitty as it would be to flee, forsaking his home, place of work, and the townsponies who only annoyed him on an occasional basis, making a tactical retreat beat the alternative. Following after the mare, he froze when he saw her wander behind the bar, stoop down, and reappear with a full helm on her head.
“You’ve got to be shitting me…” he murmured to himself.
“Don’t think I can take on a measly ursa major,” she grumbled, glancing sidelong at him while she trotted to the front door. “I’ll show you a thing or two.”
“I’m not about to stand around and watch you get murdered,” he insisted as she nonchalantly stepped outside.
Standing just beyond the threshold, she peered back at him. “Nah, you’re not going to stand around or watch me get murdered - what you are going to do is learn how to deal with one of these brutes.”
Though he was confused and more than a little concerned, he drifted to the doorway and poked his head outside. Utterly unperturbed by the titanic nightmare laying waste to the township not two hundred yards away, she strolled over to the ramada sheltering their firewood. He initially thought that she may be going for the ax resting by the stacked timber, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. Grabbing one of the structure’s support beams, she wrenched the wooden pole free and tossed it over one shoulder.
“Step one,” she growled, whipping around to face him, “big critters need a big beating.”
He slowly nodded, taken aback by just how easily she’d broken and lifted what had to be several hundred pounds of lumber. Earth ponies were renown for their physical might, but the casual ease with which she’d armed herself with a gargantuan makeshift club was jarring to say the least. Given the aches and pains she periodically bellyached about, not to mention her age, he shuddered to think how powerful she would have been in her prime.
Moving past him and toward town, she blew a gout of steaming air from her nostrils. “Step two: you gotta hit ‘em where it hurts.”
Numbly trailing her, he considered her words. What she’d said made sense, since every being in existence had at least one weak point, but he couldn’t fathom how she could do any appreciable damage to something so huge - even if she was armed with something so sizable. As the earth trembled under his feet, he lifted his gaze and felt himself go pale.
The ursa major shifted its tremendous weight and stared down at his approaching foe, the only pony brave or reckless enough not to go running for the hills. Its lips curled, revealing fangs the size of saplings, while ropes of saliva hung from its chin. It was anyone’s guess as to if it had feasted upon townsfolk or merely raided larders and the general store - regardless, a savory morsel had just presented itself with what was effectively an oversized toothpick.
“Oi!” Haggis bellowed, squaring off against the beast. “Get outta here - go on, git!”
With its eyes set upon her, the monster roared and charged. Any creature with an ounce of common sense would have shit their pants, screamed for their life, hightailed it, or some combination of the three - the problem was Haggis wasn’t just any creature. Breaking into a full gallop, she howled in challenge and rushed headlong at her enemy.
Anon stared in disbelief at what he could only describe as a clash of titans. Haggis spun and slid across the snow-covered ground on her flank, narrowly avoiding a swipe by one of the creature’s immense, clawed paws, before leaping back to her hooves. Sprinting beneath the beast, she reared onto her hind legs, held the pole in her forehooves, and swung the wooden pillar with so much speed and force that it became a blur.
The ursa major’s roar raised an octave, it threw its head back, and it went rigid, as what had to be at least a quarter ton of lumber nailed it squarely in the groin. Just like that, all but literally in the blink of an eye, it took off and abandoned the town, Haggis, and any thought of continuing what should have been a one-sided conflict. Creating small tremors as it loped away, he crested a hill and dashed into the distance.
“H…how’d…” Anon sputtered, wheeling around to face his two-fold savior.
Breathing hard and steaming the air around herself, Haggis smirked and dropped her club. “Hit ‘em where it hurts…”
Realization dawned on Anon. While he hadn’t paid any attention to the ursa major’s sex, it was made abundantly apparent that Haggis had. There wasn’t a beast, living, dead, or otherwise, that would fancy a blow to the family jewels, making him wince in sympathetic pain. Reflexively covering his crotch, he flinched when she barked a laugh and slapped him on the back.
“You can fix the shed tomorrow,” she chuckled. “With any luck, now that we got that issue sorted out, we’ll get some business tonight…”
Gawking at her, he blinked. He’d always had the sense to stay on her good side, but now he knew exactly why. She’d felled something that could have - should have taken a small army to deal with like it was something as trivial as tossing an unruly patron out of her tavern. Seeing her look back at him, he rushed up behind her and hoped the ursa major was smart enough not to seek revenge…
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11637794
Got five more chapters to go in this set
ow
11637237
Yeah, but well, im not gonna complain, its pretty good!
images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/d8cf8829-41a2-4b53-aad0-e7ae01532e36/daz9pys-45e7c143-45d3-4158-862c-69995b7d7e70.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7InBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcL2Q4Y2Y4ODI5LTQxYTItNGI1My1hYWQwLWU3YWUwMTUzMmUzNlwvZGF6OXB5cy00NWU3YzE0My00NWQzLTQxNTgtODYyYy02OTk5NWI3ZDdlNzAuanBnIn1dXSwiYXVkIjpbInVybjpzZXJ2aWNlOmZpbGUuZG93bmxvYWQiXX0.vUvKTOf7zWokKKGtOp8eaV42s1iO7jZ0v-RjjB3fvlE
Amazed it could run off that fast. Usually something like that would lead to falling over and subconsciously cursing any and all gods for at least a few moments.
11637533
.
You're so known for the smut that even people who know that you've written non-smut are still surprised that you write non-smut
BAM. right in the goolys :P
Gotdamn, just when I thought Haggis couldn't get any cooler.
Absolutely in love with this story, keep it up!
Jesus fucking Christ…
I love Haggis
11637332
Most people prefer food to a knife, but cooks arent choosy!!
11637992
You may™ find out today
11637997
If you haven't ever seen a bear get hit in the dangly-bits, look for it on youtube
11638270
Always have been!
Haggis reminds me ALOT of nord pone and I think that’s one of the reasons why I love this character so much! The writing is amazing and just like anon in the story I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for more chapters!!!
I eagerly await moar my horni stori poni friend
11637434
That...that is just so depressing
It is also the reason why there are so many Anon fics on the site...
Personally, I have no problem with Anon, as long as Anon becomes a pony. I still maintain, however in the minority that i am in, that Humans do not belong in Equestria as Humans. Becoming a pony is fine by me. In a wonderfully clean and quite unsullied universe as Equestria, Humans would only become a plague upon the land and its inhabitants.
My honest opinion, however small it is, and I am sticking to it. I'll give a pass to your fic for that reason alone.
11638514
you unironically side with the ponies in Conversion Bureau stories, huh?
11638557
that guy takes the wrong lessons from the Conversion Bureau
11638514 And then I use DARK MAGIC to turn all the ponies into HUMANS!!! The world is destroyed in SECONDS as the former ponies immediately create huge nuclear arsenals, bioweapons, and about an ocean's worth of nerve gas!
Just like what happened to our world! (You didn't know you died and this is Hell? )
11638514
Equestria is not an clean, unsullied place. It's dangerous and it is full of bigotry and struggles similar to our own, just not on the same population or technological scale. Did you not watch the show?
11638096 Naaa, them be the nadgers.