• Member Since 20th Jan, 2015
  • online

TheDriderPony


"Only the most subtle of references." -No fanfiction writer ever

T

It was supposed to be a routine check-up.
A few tests. Some scans. Nothing special.
At worst, they should have left with some supplements and advice.

Instead, she left alone.



An entry for the Thousand Words II contest in the "Drama" category.

Content Warning for sensitive viewers: Discussions of abortion and, tangentially, sex

Special thanks to SwordTune, thesmokinguy, and sheppard741 for pre-reading and providing vitally helpful feedback.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 25 )

This was pretty good. The ending was well executed and poignant.

An uncomfortable piece. It presented a situation, but in my opinion it didn't really say anything about it. I'm not really picking up any intention behind the words. There's nothing wrong with that, but it didn't hit me like it would have if it had a sense it was going anywhere beyond irreconcilable differences.

Hard hitting. Good stuff.

I love your medical explanation as well, interesting layering for the franchise.

11637889
I think you meant.... poignant

11637983
That often is the point. An impossible choice that neither side can live with.
Couples faced with this situation in our world often end up seperating, whatever the outcome.

Author: nice story. I guess Equestria doesn't have mandatory genetic counseling for artifical conception? They would have been warned about this as a possibility....

11638369
Yup, I'm aware. So, why ponies though? If you're putting mlp characters in a real world situation where it plays out exactly like it would in the real world, what's the message? What did the setting and characters bring to the table? It's a well put together piece, but to me it just came off more as a statement of facts than a story.

I think this story could stand to be longer and go into things more.

'But that would not qualify for a 1000 words contest!'
:trollestia:

11637983

An uncomfortable piece. It presented a situation, but in my opinion it didn't really say anything about it. I'm not really picking up any intention behind the words. There's nothing wrong with that, but it didn't hit me like it would have if it had a sense it was going anywhere beyond irreconcilable differences.

imho you have a point here. I will note that writing substantive stories about abortion without making lots of people angry at you is kind of hard, though, and that's something the incentives of this website's design discourage and 'punish.'

11638516

Yup, I'm aware. So, why ponies though? If you're putting mlp characters in a real world situation where it plays out exactly like it would in the real world, what's the message? What did the setting and characters bring to the table? It's a well put together piece, but to me it just came off more as a statement of facts than a story.

It would be interesting to see what would happen if your implied 'does this story HAVE to be about ponies?' guideline for which stories belong was applied to every story on the whole site. I think we would lose some good stories.

11638549
Both valid points. I'd never espouse a policy where you have to defend your story's validity in the use of ponies, personally. I guess I'm just struggling to express that this story wasn't served very well by the word limit. I ran into the same problem, where the amount of information I had to give got in the way of the feel of the piece I was trying to engender. I'd love to know how long this story was on the first pass. One of mine started out at 2200 words before the pruning shears came out. :pinkiesick:

11638516
Why does a story need to have a message?

I thought this was a well written look at the emotions felt by those who have to make terribly difficult decisions. It is the emotional impact that is what is valuable here, not whatever the actual decision turns out to be.

The see and feel through the eyes of others is a strength of writing, and this story used ponies to take us into the hearts and minds of people making difficult decisions. We may have our own individual opinions on what is “correct”… but this story will, we hope, give us empathy for those people.

11638591
I agree, and all I can say is it didn't do that for me. I already felt empathy for this turn of events, regardless of who was experiencing it. That's just my personal reality. I have no doubt that for someone that hasn't given the circumstance much thought it could hit a lot harder and give valuable insight. I'm not disparaging the story, but from my perspective it was just a picture of cold reality injected into a setting with the capacity for something better. It's a divisive subject, and the largely positive reception reflects the quality of the writing, but it just fell flat for me. That's really no one's fault, but it's my reality.

11637983
It doesn't make an obvious statement because that's often how real life works. A shitty thing happens, and no matter what you do there's nothing that can be called a resolution. No matter what happens, you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

The lack of 'intention' in this work is the point, the method of emphasizing that helplessness and pain.

11638943
That's exactly what I said. I guess I could have been more clear in saying lack of intention beyond the obvious. Obviously it's presenting a scenario with no good outcome. Obviously the choice of characters is designed to create sympathy. Maybe I'm not a fan of hopelessness as an artform. It's difficult to appreciate a piece in the abstract when it's designed to bring you closer to the subject. Happily it hit the feature box, so more people will get a chance to read it. As I've been saying, it's not my cup of tea but it's still a well done piece.

11639009
:facehoof: My bad. Sometimes I skip a sentence while I'm reading, and I almost never realize. Good night!

I don't think I've ever seen Fluttershy and Applejack shipped before, but this sounds exactly like a conversation I'd expect them to have.
This was really good.

This was well done considering both the subject matter and the word limit.

I particularly like that you didn’t give a clean clear ending that tells me how I should feel. The rebooted “Battlestar Galactica” did this extremely well and left the viewer to draw their own conclusions.

Excellent work!

“It's when a foal of mixed parentage has a significant over- or under-expression of one or both parent's tribal traits,” Dr. Gentle Care continued. “It's not rare, but it’s much more common in unicorns where it's easily identified by stouter builds and weaker magic. Even then, many live ordinary lives completely unaware that they have it."

oof! very believable in-universe congenital malady

"According to these preliminary tests, it's highly likely that your daughter is going to have your bone structure—" he nodded to Fluttershy before turning his gaze "—and your musculature."

oh no…

“In addition," he continued. "TDD is a known side effect of magically-aided fertilization. The spell has to make a few… logical leaps when transforming an egg into sperm, which can cause an overexpression of certain genes."

and augh. honestly, devastating to me personally that this is the side effect of two wonderful things

Fluttershy took a deep breath. Held it. Released it. Her hoof stayed gripped tight. "Applejack. You know I’ve witnessed a lot of births. Helped a lot of them along. I treat and help as many as I can but... Nature can be callous. It doesn't coddle. A bird with a misshapen wing. A snake with no eyes. They won't survive in the wild. Sometimes, you have to make a hard choice."

and yeah, Fluttershy being much more intimately familiar with the heartlessness of nature than her friends really does track

Her hoof was cold, clutching nothing but dead air.

and augh, what a heartbreakingly tragic situation. there is no good ending here, only the avoidance of a worse one at best. well-drawn in terms of characters, and well-fitting into this world of magical ponies that we know, or this version of it where nature is as callous as it is anywhere else. thank you for writing

I was going to bring up Scootaloo, but you do a good job of explaining why this case is much more dire than her own TDD.

Nice touch with Fluttershy understanding the medical report even when Applejack doesn’t; goodness knows the animal caretaker needs to stay up on research for dozens if not hundreds of species… and goodness knows she’s dealt with a great deal more deaths.

But Applejack may have her beat on quality, if not quantity. Bad enough to lose her parents too soon. Losing a daughter before ever knowing her is too terrible a proposition for her to even consider, no matter how much suffering the alternative may cause.

Great character drama, with entirely believable stances from both parties. The open ending may be the only right one; there is no sweeping blanket statement about a “correct” choice here, and the particulars are outside the scope of what a thousand words can cover. Thank you for this and congrats on the silver.

Good stuff but instead of a dangerous medical situation they should have gone with a doner. If Big Mac donated then the pony would still be Fluttershys and have Apple DNA.

Hello! Here's your courtesy note for my review of this. Emotionally powerful, with believable world-building to explain it. I was satisfied by both the characterisation and the avoidance of unrealistically easy answers. Not a happy story, but faving it nevertheless.

Didn feel that this was a particularly strong fic. Disabled doesn't mean that we don't have lives worth living. Feels a little too eugenics for me.

11918048
Worth living or not they don't have it yet.

Login or register to comment