FishInLaw
“I know you and mother have been going through a rough patch but—”
“But nothing!" Hondo stomped his hoof hard enough to make a few pins fall off Rarity’s corkboard. “That old shrew and I were through the minute she decided to hook her wagon to that smooth talking, hip-gyrating, greaseball in Las Pegasus! On what was supposed to be our anniversary trip!”
“I understand how you feel,” Her mother did have a habit of being a touch… overly friendly with well-chiseled strangers. “But surely leaping to divorce is an overreaction. Even putting aside the high emotions at play, divorce is a long and messy process.”
“Quite the contrary, my little marshmallow.” She cringed at the fillyhood nickname he refused to drop. “Did you know there's places in Las Pegasus that can get you divorced in under an hour? It’s already a done deal!” Hondo shuffled to the side to free up the boutique’s doorway. “Speaking of, there’s someone I'd like you to meet.”
An alarmingly young mare with a sky-blue coat and two-tone ponytail bounded into view, giggling, and latched herself to Hondo’s side like a mawkish magnet.
“This is Sonata. We met down by the docks and immediately hit it off. Well, not immediately… but after the hospital got the hook out of her cheek, we started talking and really clicked.”
Rarity prided herself on her refined and collected demeanor. It took extraordinary events to make her lose her composure. Seeing a filly who looked barely old enough to be out of highschool clinging to her father was more than sufficient. “Fath— Dad! You can't possibly be serious! She looks younger than me!”
He flashed his most unapologetic smile. “I know! The justice said the same thing, but don't worry; Sonata explained everything. Even though she looks young, she's actually over a thousand years old! Aren't I just the luckiest guy in the world? I know stallions who’d cut off their horn to marry a mare like her!”
Rarity choked on that latest bombshell. “Marry?! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You've only just met!”
“Oh? Didn’t I say?” He brushed back his thinning mane to reveal a gleaming new ring on his horn. “We’re already wed. Meet your new stepmother.”
Sonata grinned and waved. “Hi! Nice to meetcha! I'm cool with it if you don't wanna call me mom yet. It’s kinda weird and new for me, too. We can work up to that.”
“What?!” Rarity shrieked as her world turned upside down. “Step—? You can't marry somepony you've known less than a week!”
“Sure can! There's places in Las Pegasus that can get you wed in under an hour. It was a beautiful little ceremony. We even had a Princess Celestia impersonator to officiate!”
“Even though she was too tall and had two extra colors in her mane.” Sonata squinted at Rarity. “Hey… you look familiar. Did you ever play in a band with a bunch of highschoolers who liked to shoot rainbows at innocent performers?”
“...No?”
“Okay then! Must just be a coincidence.”
“I almost forgot!” Hondo gasped. “You haven’t seen the best part yet. Fish cakes! Do the thing!”
“Huh? What thing?”
“You know.” He waggled his eyebrows in a way that made Rarity want to gag. "That thing I like.”
“Oh!” She nodded vigorously. “Okay!”
A red gemstone on Sonata’s necklace began to glow, followed quickly by her whole body. Then she began to grow.
And grow.
And grow.
Suddenly the boutique was filled by a giant… seapony? Merpony? Something with a finned equine front half and a scaled tail from the naval down that, even curled up, barely fit between the four walls.
“Just look at that,” Hondo gushed with unabashed delight, moustache quivering and eyes brimming with the sort of emotions Rarity did not want to imagine her parent feeling. “Look at the size of her. Cookie could stuff herself sick every day of the week and she'd never get that big!”
Rarity cringed again. Her father had always been an oversharer, but usually her mother was there to cut him off. Now there was nopony to rein him in from educating everyone on his particular tastes.
“Reminds me of my first marefriend,” he continued with a sigh. “I haven't seen Whoa Nelly since highschool. She was a cheerleader, you know.”
“I saw some cheerleaders once.” Sonata mused. “It looked like fun.”
Hondo’s eye gleamed. “Daughter mine, how’s that business of yours doing? You still offer that family and friends rate for custom pieces? I’ve got a banger of an idea but it’s going to take a lot of fabric.”
Before Rarity could come up with a reasonable excuse for why she couldn’t make her father’s eye candy a camping-tent-sized miniskirt, the plaza clocktower tolled noon.
“Is that the time?” Hondo frowned. “Thought we had longer.” He pulled Rarity into a one-legged hug and landed a peck on her forehead. “Sorry to meet and greet and run, but we have to catch a train leaving for our honeymoon.”
“Honeymoon? Where?”
“The Mareanas Trench!” Sonata gushed as she shrank back to pony size. “I haven't been home in centuries and if enough of my family has died off, I might even be in line for the throne!”
“You hear that, marshmallow? I might’ve married a princess! But a fish.” He gasped. “A Fishcess. That'd make you and Sweetie princesses by proxy. Don't say I never did anything for you!”
Sonata left as quickly as she’d arrived, bouncing out the door with Pinkie-esque energy. Hondo followed after her like an eager puppy, but lingered just a moment to impart his final words.
“And if your mother calls, tell her I've gone exactly where she told me to go: straight to the deepest, darkest hole in Equestria!”
Rarity collapsed back on her chaise like a puppet with cut strings, dazed as she struggled to grasp her father’s whirlwind revelations.
Then he stuck his head back in.
“And I'm not talking about the Mareanas Trench!”
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This got quite a few giggles out of me. Some great word play, repetition and the idea of Hondo having a BBW fetish that he's very...enthusiastic about, is hilarious
Goddamn it.
This is the funniest thing I've read in ages, what a brilliant premise. Reminds of that one artist who shipped Trixie with Celestia and the former gives Twilight an aneurysm by insisting Twilight call her stepmom.
I loved this!
Well done, Go Fish.
Loved the part with the Celestia impersonator as well as Sontana talking about the Rainbow Rocks movie. :)
Somehow I get the feeling that's the one part Rarity might be ok with
Just wait until she meets Rarity's friends... Including the one who WAS part of a band.
Well, at least one of the Dazzlings got a reasonably good life back this time around.
Now that got a good chuckle out of me! Lovely stuff.
11632494
I know, right? I actually feel surprisingly happy for Sonata. If there was ever a gal that deserved the chance to settle down with a lover, it'd be her.
Granted, I, like Rarity, remain uncertain if Hondo's actually the right stallion for the job...but, y'know. Details.
I GOTTA FISHGINAAAAAA
I'm getting FROZEN flashbacks.
Just gotta say, that is one lucky guy.
Not bad. I like the idea of it and all that, but a couple things stood out to me.
1) mawkish. I had to look it up mid story. Try not to use words that people have to look up to understand. Just say the definition, we won't mind.
2) Her father divorced and remarried after this incident? What about counseling or just wallowing in whatever ponies are meant to wallow in?
3) the end kinda felt forced. I KNOW this was a 1k story, but if you could have made it so Hondo didn't make it into a direct sex joke I think it would have felt more natural to me.
4) how's Hondo going to get to her home as a pony? This needs to be addressed in a very humorous sequel.
Lmao stellar work
She's not a loli! She's a 4,000 year-old c#m vampire! (Thanks for the line, Nux Taku.)
Mermaid by Great Big Sea comes to mind...
When I was a lad in a fishing town
Me old man said to me:
"You can spend your life, your jolly life
Just sailing on the sea.
You can search the world for pretty girls
Til your eyes are weak and dim,
But don't go searching for a mermaid, son
If you don't know how to swim"
'Cause her hair was green as seaweed
Her skin was blue and pale
Her face it was a work of art,
I loved that girl with all my heart
But I only liked the upper part
I did not like the tail
I wonder if Hondo knows that with Hippocampi, it is the males that get pregnant and bear the young... This certainly is shaping up to be quite a memorable honeymoon. I think Cookie is going to have the last laugh though
With a dad like this. Rarty's quirks start to make a lot more sense.
I don't get people who simp for Sonata. This line alone should earn her copious amounts of Twilicorn's rage.
aww that is totally the cringe nickname he would have for her
ahaha that was indeed quick
ah right, Hondo Flanks is a fishermare! oh this is a fantastic connection to draw
indeed, that would certainly be sufficient
ahahahahaha
ah the difference between “can’t” and “shouldn’t”. also love that it was done by a Princess Celestia impersonator that is just perfect
ahaha love Sonata’s take on those events
Hondo is very good at cringe nicknames
well i am certainly learning a lot about Hondo in this story, as is poor Rarity
yay Whoa Nelly’s in this!
all this is so terrible i love it
oof!
and of course it had to end this way!
oh absolutely delightful and hilarious. poor, poor Rarity, and Cookie Crumbles as well. amazing work here, wow! thank you so much!
To quote Christopher Walken in Hairspray, “This heart does not beat for anything under a size 12.”
Delightfully absurd. I do have to wonder how Sonata got back home, but it’s probably fine. At the very least, she seems to genuinely appreciate Hondo. Plus that last line did get me to laugh out loud. In all, lovely work. Thank you for it and congrats on the silver.
Fishcess is my new favourite word.
Hello! Here's your courtesy note for my review of this. A broad comedy with an original premise and Hondo's character appealed. Not quite my kind of comedy (eg that last line) but I recognise that's a personal thing.