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Are you sure this is right?
First chapter and I'm somewhat lost... but I am interested so I'll follow the series.
Unfortunately, the first chapter didn't grab me. it almost entirely consists of partially unnecessary information flows. for example, why do we need to know the body proportions of Chaotic's caretakers? are you going to write some sex scenes with them? wouldn't it be better then to leave this description for the appropriate moment?
the next point: you need to understand that you are writing, not drawing or filming. the scene from the beginning would look good in some kind of romantic comedy. but this is already a nitpick.
Further. Clopfiction classic: the main character meets his future sex partners at the very beginning. for some reason, few people try to put the characters in any situation.
in general, I expressed my opinion. if it doesn't suit you, that's your business.
11595703
I'm not particularly familiar with the female breast size system, let alone the European system. But, in my opinion, these are quite normal human sizes.
11595703
11595834
Okay, I'm not an expert on breast sizes, I can admit to that but I had to look at a lot of mature fimfiction and other MLP mature parodies to aid me. Also given that the series is animated and not live action, imagination give us the rights. Also I prefer making female OCs have my choice of sizes
So it's... Just below how things are now?
11595834
True, but I seen other famous MLP authors/writers on this website, fanfiction.net, A03, to even Wattpad.
That does porn/sex stories give the MLP characters way bigger, to even "hyper" breast sizes than this. Just saying.
11595849
Well, other MLP authors/writers give them way bigger ( To even hyper) sizes on a whole lot of them.
Trust me.
Edit: Hello, it's me again. I will comment about this recent chapter. Now it's done.
Is being a toxic misandry truly blinds you that it's a terrible idea to mess with him?
Didn't you frickin heard what Adagio warn you all about, Tempest or any of you!!??
YOU Tempest Shadow/Fizzlepop Berrytwist, will be the one ( And any toxic girl that works with you. ) to be truly hated and despised by everybody else when they figure out that it is all your faults for causing the campus to be permanently shut down, and no refunds.
Plus, Chaotic's own six mothers, aunts, and Celestia/Luna will be on your ass if you touch a single hair on him, Tempest!!!!!!!!!!
POW!
The bitches own head got blown off!
Me holding a smoking Desert Eagle.
YOU all should be the ones to die, you bitches, leave Chaotic alone.
Me now grabbing a Gatling Gun!
Now say hello to my "little friend".
Ratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratratra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very entertaining. Can't wait for more
There are a few places in this chapter that have spelling errors
Honestly an awesome chapter. I like how your including images.
You seen my comment reacting to your second chapter?
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Yes.
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What do you think of me telling Tempest off that she is making a huge ass mistake?
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Well you're right about her actions but to tell you the truth, she's secretly scared of men. that's why she's showing that hateful attitude.
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She would eventually be scared of women too. Concerning the fact that Chaotic's own SIX mothers, his Aunts, and even Celestia and Luna will gain up on her ass if she touches a single hair on Chaotic.
Will there any fighting or violence in this story?
Ooh bathing incidents. Thats not gonna be fun. Also hope he doesn't trust any males from the other campus. And I hope you get you money back.
Why can't they just get expelled and go to freaking PRISON!?
Are you ignoring that with their multiple bullying, trespassing, blackmail, attempted and actual assaults, didn't one of them tried to f*** ing stabbed Chaotic!!??
These pervert dickheads are just asking to not only get expelled, but go to frickin PRISON!!! ( Kidnapping, and attempted SEXUAL assault. )
Thus ruining their idiotic lives.
Did you answer to this?
⤵️
11631796
An awesome chapter. And damn those three are idiots.
An awesome chapter. And kek old people are hilarious. They have absolutely no filter.
Why do I get the feeling that tempest was raped by someone
What does "will stayed" mean? I know it's meant to be will stay but why is the 'ed' there? It just makes my brain feel confused when I see sentences like that. Also, a few more strange sentence goofs, but overall good chapter.
I have one thing to say to these girls in this new chapter of yours. They are such god-damn double-standard, horny hypocrites! 🤦
I'm actually very disappointed at what's happening with them basically acting against Chaotic's privacy without him knowing.
No less better than even those brainless, horny, asshole criminals in that other boy/guy-centered school themselves.
Can this certain constant and MAJOR "plothole/story issue" actually be addressed?
Honestly I’m pretty much dying from laughter every time a girl falls in love with Chaotic just because he does something. It’s like I’m read a manga that just keeps bringing on the greatest hits of songs and clichés. Hope to see more soon.
His birth "parents" BOTH deserve what's coming to them eventually. 😡
And I highly doubt his "dad" will do shit against Chaotic. When Chaotic can just kick his asshole of a "father".
And he should eventually stand up to his own "mother" too.
Because, if Chaotic doesn't do it, then either his six NEW mothers, and the rest of his new potential harem girls will do it for him by beating those two asses apart!
P.S. And that prick headmaster is so going to get his due as well.
I highly doubt those pathetic weaklings at that male college will do any crap against Chaotic. We can clearly see that he has some very good self-defense/hand-to-hand combat moves.
Plus, what's stopping his own SIX mothers, one of them being a professional fighter/wrestler, and his new potential harem girls protecting him, and go after those male students too!!??
Plus, those idiots will get themselves arrested for attempted murder, those frickin dummies!
Dear Christ, even as a child Oreo got poor Chaotic into some troubling situations.
Any bets on how the headmaster finds out about Chaotics parentage?
Sweet a new chapter. And timeskip I guess. And as for who first? Hmm Fluttershy maybe?
No, you don't.
Because, what's stopping most of the guys being nasty perverts!? And you would regret saying this.
I guess a chapter of choosing who goes first so the most reluctant has a chance. I say time skip and first would someone not in the group like saffron. I say do a chapter of connecting with adagio. A duet of loser baby can be good for them to connect.
I would do a chapter or two give them time to plan what to do and in what order and it’s still collage some classes might give them an idea what to do
Like cosplay she might what to a anime convention in FULL costume
I say masala goes first.
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Then don’t read it.