- Member Since 22nd May, 2017
- offline last seen Last Thursday
Phoenixcolt45
I love reading, playing video games, movies, I'm a total JT Music fan, and want to share and learn the magic of friendship as those before me.
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Finally, I’ve been waiting so long for this and so far it’s off to a great start and can’t wait for the new chapters
Hmm, interesting. Will he romancing one of the Mane 6 or all of them?
great start mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
can’t wait for the new chapters
11790710
How much do you want me to spoil you guys on that? I can tell you who he's not romancing too, but that would be telling.
11790889
Fair enough.
11790893
But it will take a bit of time before getting there.
Don't worry there's going to be some interesting romances in the future.
next chapter they found out tv and internet and they are horrified by the cartoon and want t o sue hasbro for being "creepy peepers."
11790949
Ok that's funny, but not exactly what I have played out.
Ha!
Alright then, let’s see where this one goes.
Good job on the first story.
11791057
Thank you, that means a lot.
11791126
Your welcome
11790889
Wait, so he's not really getting literally every MLP gal like the original?
Very interesting.
11790895
And you're also "taking this slow"? Basically not rushing the "romance" to sex ( and sometimes and technically messed up r*pe. ) like the original either?
11790949
11790968
Highly doubt they would succeed, because aren't they supposed to stay hidden by the public, and especially the U.S. Government?
Also, they should realize that Earth/Humanity as a whole, doesn't know that they're quite literally "real", but just fictional characters!?
Plus, how would they go to Lauren Faust, it's her idea.
Dang, but very reasonable.
But quick question; Which type of negative criticism or bashing against the story are you referring?
And the reason I said this, is mainly because since I know that you also read Roommates as well. I'm probably guessing that you also seen my own comments or many other commenters justify criticizing or not liking what happened to the poor Human Male OC ( The Original: Lloyd Carter ). And the Ponies and even other MLP Characters rather terrible mistreatment of him in the original.
Probably because that he is a non-pony/equestrian male ( Sexism, Racism/Xenophobic, and borderline hypocrites. ), or blaming him for things that are literally isn't his own fault ( Like accusing him as a "pervert" for example. When he clearly isn't like that. Despite their "busty/amazon/hentai-type" bodies telling a different story. )
Or shift the blame to Lloyd by other's own faults for no reason ( Where the MLP female villains caused poor Lloyd to go "lust/horny crazy one time, and the "heroic" ponies still blame him for something that is WAY out of his control, and even tried to KILL him anyways!? )
And it all begins with the rather ridiculous "Internet incident".
Or the introduction of either his rule 63 pony clone!? And his rather insufferable cousin or sister that has probably incest feelings for him out of nowhere, I don't fully remember.
Or the fact that Lloyd has this rather unexplained and out of nowhere "mutant/superpower" of having The Stare like Fluttershy's. But, he he only does it once or twice. When he should have used it occasionally when the ponies or villains were being unreasonable jerks almost 24/7.
I literally pray that all of this mess, won't happened in this "reboot" verison of yours.
Phoenix, I like the story and characters; they feel vibrant and true to the show. Similarly, I can see how you've been inspired by your friends like Israel and Blitz, whose works I've also enjoyed. However, this first chapter has fairly poor editing that makes it hard to love. The first sentence is a run-on and so are a many that follow. There is also often difficulty determining who is speaking to whom, and who or what is the subject of a sentence or phrase. With a planned 12(!!) love interests plus the mc plus Spike and any other additional characters, that is going to get really hard to follow really quickly.
I look forward to the next chapter, but I hope you give it just a little more time to cook.
Ah yeah let's go!! MIB Reference
Fantastic start, I'm looking forward to seeing how they will react to being fictional cartoon characters and stumbling onto the fan art, fan fictions and fan animations such as Cupcakes, Smile, Past Sins etc.
I'm already visualizing Twilight having a total panic attack after learning about the Bronies and how she's considered as a "waifu" and the crazy fan pairings they have her with such as King Sombra, Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalsis etc. LOL
This is after reading the first chapter, and would like to point out that the Celestia and Luna tags should be replaced with Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, as they don't technically fall under the CMC tag and that the princesses aren't transported along with the group. Babs Seed though could be argued to fall under it.
11791268
I can only imagine the cacophony of noise when they all "discover" the near-limitless selection of music in the world. Question is, will their Equestrian "Heart Song" magic kick in? Do shenanigans ensue in public places?
11791242
I just hope whatever punctuation or spelling mistakes I make in the future doesn't lessen your enjoyment of my story.
Yeah, I'm terrible identifying Run-ons I practically did this whole chapter 90% on my own. But I do appreciate the constructive criticism.
11791585
Hmmm don't be surprised if Pinkie tries to pull that trick once or twice.
11791152
Let me spoil you on something regarding the romances, I'm having him be with almost all of the main six, and a few others too hence the tags on the title, there will still be a bit of a large harem but certain mares will excluded for certain reasons.
As for the whole taking it slow, I want to make plenty of filler chapters before getting there to the romances and major plot points I've been thinking of for the storyline. Because this will be a harem fic too I'm going to try and include a means that might seem quick after the first girl gets with him, but it will help make sense by then.
Oh and they're not meeting Lauren Faust, the second chapter will cover the reveal of their counterparts, and yeah when I read that internet chap once again, I couldn't help cringe at the writing and the set up with the girls reactions.
I know Sonic told me that was his first story and he didn't have a lot of experience then, so don't give him such a hard time over that, but I'm most definitely not making all the girls that hostile. It's very uncharacteristic in my view. Except for a few girls that might be appropriate in the future, but not this chapter.
Story feels cliché and to much like a self insert. Just reading through is pretty cringe. Also there just feels like way to much telling and not enough showing what is going on. Weird details like character height and clothing they are wearing come to mind. The excessive cursing from characters of MLP also feels pretty immature. However at least I like the fact you treat alien characters from another world more realistic. As in you just don't drop into another world and think everything is hunky dory. There is real chances of aliens being taken away or captured. I will be looking towards the next chapter to at least see where it's going.
11791162
, that's mostly going to be from the villains and a couple characters including Diamond Tiara. As for how hard the kind of bashing to avoid, just no outright bullying of people on the littlest fault or any hardcore racist remarks is all I ask, we're all the same people here.
Don't worry I'm getting rid of that whole stare thing and the girls being jerks
11791268
I so badly wanted to use that here for the story, and I think I nailed it here.
When I heard this line,
11791766
And like I've said before this was majorly done on my own by an amateur writer that only has a basic understanding of proper grammar and punctuation. And I'm mostly writing this story for fun because I thought I could write this concept better in my own way, and I'm glad to hear I'm doing that right at least.
Thanks
11791766
Oh and you're right on the whole self insert angle, that was another thing I wanted to do there, but it's only on a couple things about me and my life, the rest is going to be totally fantasized from the very depths of my mind.
11791781
You are already doing a good job at being able to take criticism and improve on your own craft. Which many are resentful of or soft skinned and can’t handle it without resorting to insults or immaturity. Writing is tough and bringing emotion and story structure are difficult things. That’s where you get better at as you continue to write.
The story in of itself isn’t terrible. Just some cringy things that just feel… well meh if I have to find a word for it. Again I do really like your take on aliens in the human world or PoE stories as a lot of them kinda just brush off the whole you know… Sentient aliens from another world or dimension thing as just another thing that day.
11791879
And finally somebody else who's noticed that! Seriously no offense to the writers or their content but I think they don't fully realize the gravity of a situation like that. Most pony on earth stories is basically aliens from another world magically being transported there or interacting with mankind, or just thinking that they'll be ok the second they end up there. There's some stories that do nice or just ok, but there's not a lot that do it so good.
Thanks
Twilight sometimes vilonce is the best solution. Those two were not spanked as kids leadong them to be spoiled. And judging how you interpret the NMM senario Luna going NMM is what wooke Tia up to what was going on.
And what Pinkie eats. Super, spice, everything nice woth a dash of Chemical X.
First thing first, dude should tell the ponies that humans are omnivores and he has meat products in his fridge before they freak out. Twi and Shy would be very understanding i'm sure. And he can distract the CMC and Pinkie with cartoons. Show Twilight the internet, after purging his search history anyway.
11792069
but I kinda have it where it's not a big deal to ponies, Plus the whole freak out over eating meat i feel has been done to death at this point 
and I'm just sticking to where its well known in equestria considering a majority of their neighboring countries eat meat.
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind
11792081
How old are the CMC? I do want to hear their reaction to certain movies or maybe even books/comics. I'm sure Colten wouldn't mind letting them enjoy themselves. Twilight might find the Harry Potter series amusing or concerning
11792151
It's Colton, and the CMC and Babs will be 18, but like I said, their will be certain character he won't be romancing.
Oh hey this came out, cool.
11792515
Yeah, I told you that already.
11792517
Well I saw it in the featured box so I thought I'd say hi
11792525
HOLY SHIT, WHAT???!!!
I love it already an can’t wait to see more of it later on.
whens mores comings?
11793658
Trying to work on filling the last part of chapter 2, then will do some personal editing after that.
11793700
aight, but heres an idea, maybe have colten drop some subtle hints like "not my fault you guys look like something right out of a TV show for little kids"
11793708
Would you mind I used that?
Ha ok that line is perfect!
11793751
nah go ahead, fuck If you want I can try to think about more, just pm me and give a a senstense and I'll put my self in colten shoes and see how I could subtly hint at it if I was colten
11793762
, and his name is Colton.
Awesome, PM anytime
And if anyone else has any personal questions about me or the story, just PM me and I'll do my best to fill you in on this project or about me.
11793789
dropping hints is fine, but he shouldn't keep it a secret. He can allude to the "multiverse" theory to them and make up an example like ask them "What would you do if a fictional character from your favorite novel or story pops up in your town? And it wasn't someone cosplaying the character but the character themself?"
11796465
Thanks, but I got an idea in the next chapter for how he broaches the subject to them.
11797286
neat, oh what games does he have? It be awesome if Dash and others became gamers. I'm Sure Shy would love Undertale [and the fan prequel Yellow]