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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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We can rebuild them we have the technology but we do not want to spend a lot of money
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Last sentence you said you an instead of and
You said Hole I think you meant whole .
Yea that was my mistake but auto corrected always gives ya something else you know how it is.
Another human story in Equestria for my collection, I love it! The first chapter was kind of rushed in my opinion, but it's far from bad.
I'll be following your story, it's interesting and if it's as good as it sounds it will be moved to my favorites.
Interesting... I'll pay attention to the stories progress. And have a like!
This has potential but the writing and sentences could use some polish and clean up.
great story opening. I'm guessing English is not you Native Tongue, no worries i advise you get an English speaking Editor to help you as some of your sentences seem to missing some words to make the context work. For example this sentence:
"As all the Goddesses were thinking they decided to this young man that will change this world forever"
the sentence should be:
"As all the Goddesses were thinking, they decided to transform this young so that he will change this world forever"
See sounds better and it explains the context of the sentence.
You can also the word "change" instead of "Transform" or given the context of the next sentence where the Goddesses heal his cripple leg you can use "Help" instead.
I hope I was helpful. I look forward to your next chapter!
I look forward to seeing more keep up the good work
Want to see more of this.
Thanks for the chapter! I really liked it, Jacky's reactions were very good, as well as the conversations he had with Sunset and Luna.
Some questions,
Is there a goddess for every race that exists on the planet Equus? Or just some?
Is Eris already renovated here?
Does the school of friendship already exist?
Are the creatures here completely naked? Or just the bare minimum of clothes?
No problem it took a while to make and for your questions.
There are many goddesses for each race some are ascended to a higher existence while some are still on Equus. Eris is around but she’s just doing her own thing ya know. The school of friendship is around for later chapters. And the last question everyone is a nudist but there are some that do wear cloths but some just have loincloths on an that’s about it.
Wonderful chapter, keep it up.
Good so far.
Good chapter. Looking forward to more.
I really hope there is an update to this story. I and other people really want to see how this story continues.
You really, REALLY need an editor. Or at least to check and double-check your story. The pace is a mess and there's a severe lack of dots and commas.
It kinda sounds like RGRE so I might check this out.
I know but I’ve tried asking around for an editor but no everybody is busy if you know any body let me know.
Ohh noo the gods are watching lol
Well, this was a very interesting chapter to say the least. I can't wait to see more. Stay safe and keep up the great work.
Thanks for the chapter!
I must say it was a chapter full of emotions, the fight against the hydra was very good not to mention that we had a sample of Jacky's powers with his absurd physical strength and apparently he also has the magic of the earth ponies, his introduction to Ponyville it went very well and as always Angel Bunny will start off being unbearable, but I'm sure he will get better, and the welcome party a classic Pinkie that can never be missing and that was very positive from Jacky since he didn't interact with her with the inhabitants, as he has also met some very important figures, in this case Celestia, Lyra, Bon Bon, Gabby, Vinyl and Octavia, I did not expect that they would all be presented in the same chapter. Also the attacking Sunset caught me, already kissed Jacky. And something that took me by surprise Applejack's parents, in this case mothers, alive and young with Grandma Smith also young! DragonSage just blows me away.
And Celestia had a good idea, warning the other world leaders about Jacky soon to avoid misunderstandings and place him as an endangered species so that no harm would be done to him, smart of her.
The goddesses are seeing everything as a show, I confess I already expected it, but Pandora knowing an ancestor of Jacky and having an agreement with him took me by surprise, but it gave a great reason for him to be brought into this world.
I’m glad you like the chapter it took me a while but I got it done and thank you for your wonderful comment.
Thanks for the update!
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About that titbit.
Author, I'm still a little confused and annoyed that Celestia thinks that the other world leaders think Jackie of all people as a "threat"? Seriously, he just got here!?
How can he be a "threat" to them? Sure, he got OP powers bestowed upon him by the goddesses. But it's not like he is violent or anything.
He doesn't even own a gun?
Not to mention that he is also the ONLY male to a female society/world.
I'm tempted that the world leaders would actually want a "piece of him", instead of seeing him as a "threat"?
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Well I you are right but you forget Jacky is still an alien in their world it’s just like marstian manhunter come to earth and was labeled as a threat because he was from a different world an looked different but Jacky is a variant in a female world that bring questions to the believes and natural order in Eques even to some of those that are stuck in the old ways.
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If that surprised you then wait for the next chapter a little spoiler for you I’m gonna show the world leaders reserve the letters from celestia an there are a view that are a view being that are not in the my little pony series but it will surprise you an who knows I might add even more to the story that will surprise you.
Edit: I got tons of things to say to each paragraph I have chosen in here. And I will finish it eventually. I'm finally done.
That's the CMC!? Damn! You gave them a very nice "upgrade" to their mature bodies.
I forgot or didn't realize that he has become very tall too with his new body. So he is the same height as Celestia!? ( 8.9 feet tall. Damn!!! )
P.S. Celestia definitely has the biggest milk tanks.
"Exhausted"? I hope you're over exaggerating.
Because, he took down that Hydra in just a couple of seconds!? I doubt he broke a sweat from that.
And if I remember correctly in the examination, didn't you say that his stamina/endurance is on par or probably surpassed with Applejack's?
So I highly doubt he is "tired"?
I really don't like this cliche with the townsfolk being too easily scared by a new person, and judge him before they know the guy. Don't like this "monster" BS.
I'm glad that Twilight help him out here.
Classic Ponyville shenanigans.
Firstly; The parents are still alive, the "father" is also a mare, and Granny is young and hot again.
And Two; did Twilight just unintentionally make a spell for eternal youth!!?? Why is she not making this such a big deal put of it? This is a life-changing breakthrough!!!
And she has the audacity to once want to change them back to their old wrinkly shelves?
Not cool, Twilight.
And Three; I know it is rude to ask a woman's age. But I have a feeling that Jackie will eventually found out about all their ages in a polite manner later on. Plus, we do need to figure out how long do Ponykind/Marekind and other races live, compared to humanity?
I highly doubt that. Being "friends" with that jerk rabbit?
"Not do it again". Bullcrap!
We all know you like that. And I have a feeling that this won't be the last time this happens.
"Running"? Really? You're fine taking out a gigantic and monsters Hydra. But can't handle some fangirl stuff from Lyra?
"Harms Way", "reckless"? He got powers now, very powerful ones at that. He AIN'T defenseless nor is he a weakling.
Aren't you all being a bit overprotective? There was no dang "risk" when he quite easily took down that dang Hydra in a couple of freaking seconds!?
And if you all remember that if he didn't do anything, Fluttershy and Rarity would have died!!!
And this is coming from a goddess of the caribou of all things? I know that this is a all-female world. But I hope that there is no Fall of Equestria scenario, but is in twisted reverse with a female "Queen" Dainn!?
Egyptian jackals!? Nice~!
One; Hell yeah! He will be the first human male GOD!!!!! 👍
And Two; why name the goddess/mother of Kirins with familiar Hippogriff/Seapony character; Silverstream?
I'm totally confused?
So what you're saying is is that somehow, someway. A normal/regular/mortal human guy "saved" a literal goddess from a different world?
That makes no dang sense!? Isn't she a very powerful goddess, why does she need "saving" from a mortal/human guy that has no powers whatsoever?
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Well you found a view errors in the story but I’ll try to fix those once I find some editors that will help me.
The caribou are different in this world so there won’t be no fall of equestria.
You may also know I couldn’t think of a name for a kirin goddess because I know some of their names are based on weather or seasons and I just made it as I went along.
And for pandoras predicament traveling throw world could be exhausting it left here drained her of her powers an a weaken state only Jacky’s ancestor help her in her time of need.
11685167
Why do you sound like it's a bad thing? Aren't they the ones that summoned him, fixed his broken body, give him a very cool upgrade to his new body, and vast powers too?
11685768
Well he wasn’t expecting to be sent to a new world an given a new body and have these abilities but yet they were thrusted upon him instantly by accident and the other goddesses didn’t bring him to equestria it was pandora for she was settling a debt to Jacky’s ancestor that help here in her time of need and galaxia convince the other to help him and give him these abilities to be the a new wonder in their world an they want to see what comes next from their little experiment.
11685768
That also means something is expected or can be taken at any time
11685762
A suggested name for the goddess Kirin: Winter Snow.
So it keeps the naming pattern and I don't remember any mlp character with that name, not that I mind if it stays Silverstream since it looks like the goddesses won't have as constant appearances as the Young six.
I hope it helps!😁
11685875
Love it why didn’t I think of that name I’m a idiot I’ll try an change the name later.
i would love to read this story, but i just cant enjoy it as its written, looking forward to when you get an editor.
also is this what editors work with usually?
this feels like rough draft number 3.
like you need to rewrite it at least 2-4 more times before its handed over to an editor
I am betting the more productive part is a big dick 😂
This is a really good story.
Hay good story but, you may won't to play this chapter on audio reading. You will hear the problem of your work. But don't give up "it's A easy fixes" . Other than that looks good 😊.
These types of stories are the reason people hate HiE. Why are your characters so weirdly portrayed? Especially the protagonist, he has absolutely no idea of who he is and is insanely inconsistent. Usually the worst in these types of stories is the dialogue, so let's go to the most plot important part, the moment he gets out of the crystal. Okay... Why are all the ponies doing a power rangers entry telling him who each one is? And does he has a crystal ball that remained up in his insides? Because he instantly figures out that Fluttershy is supposed to be caring? And kind? What? How even? Is this that japanese anime stuff where people feel the aura around a person and instantly figure out their personalities? Yeah, no. Even if there is a plot explanation for why he could feel that it doesn't explain his reaction, he gets baffled, to quote the story; "Jacky felt his heart skip a beat from this beautiful kindred pony before him. He felt flustered just by looking at her but also comfortable around her like she was made to be a caretaker.". ?!?!?!? How id that even supposed to work?! Does that happen to people in real life when they see the red cross or something? He then proceeds to assume that they eat plants and will thus stop eating plants... Okay? What does that has to do with anything? You're just going to assume they eat exclusively greens anand will give up a central part of human diet, You're not a pony, and even herbivores routinely eat leftover bones or other animal product to better satisfy certain dietary deficiencies.
Then he starts harping on about how terrible humans are and woe is me and my suffering. The problem isn't that he talks as if he was the victim of society (he was, don't get me wrong) the problem is that he feels like he has the right to moralize and generalize all of humanity 'becuse tey figt uwu'. And the ponies are like 'do u wanna talk about it?' Ohh yes, let me talk about how crap my life was in the middle of almost two dozen ponies so I can farm those pity points. Dude you learned his name 30 seconds ago, why are you suddenly playing therapist? It was Fluttershy too you know, the one with 'shy' in the name,
Look at the way this is written "remain divide because of ideology, race, religion [...]" Yeah, because pony people from another galaxy will surely get all of the nuance that comes with those words, he talks about it as if they will immediately understand all the context. Dear lord this was badly written. The main character itself, as I said previously, is just a blank slate, of all the things he mentioned none of those define him, no cool unique (or even normal really, just anything) ideology, no religion so we can carve out his beliefs, no desires besides his personal integrity, no wants beside stability, he is nothing. The only think we know about him is; 'uwu, I suffered' and 'guyys, make peace not war'. I don't know if it's so people can self insert, don't know if it's on purpose and he is being 'mysterious, dandandaan' or if it's an oversight, I just know it's bad, and the reason I find it such os because other stories made with similar ideas manage to make way more gripping plots and compelling characters, than these cookie cutter ones.
Just felt like I had to say this so that people can actually see where errors were made, with hope the author will get better with time as he writes and improve his skills, after all writing is legitimately one of the hardest things to do in high quality, be they Shakespeare or Luís Vaz de Camoens. I don't blame anyone for making any errors, but hopefully the author improves later on in life
Unreadable stream of mind. Dislike in this state.
Holy punctuation, Batman!
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That's because most people who right fanfiction are the same people who think underwater basket weaving and liberal arts are good college degrees and believe their feelings dictate reality.
And herbivores don't really eat things like bones to make up for dietary deficiencies. They straight up eat other animals when available. Be it baby birds (the popcorn of the wild), snakes, rabbits, or whatever else. There are extremely few animals that only eat plants or only eat meat. Koalas and cats, respectively, are a couple examples. The vast majority of herbivores and carnivores are more like "whatever is available"-vores with a leaning towards either plants or prey. Even manatees are known to steal fish caught by fisher's nets and eat it for themselves.
Yeah, boners don't work that way. They happen or they don't. You don't "fight it" nor is it an "urge".