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DragonSage


Comments ( 45 )

We can rebuild them we have the technology but we do not want to spend a lot of money

Jacky Brook a broken man wondering what his purpose is. Jacky is a white male but with minor defects he was born with asthma and later when he was six years old, he lost all motion in his right leg making him crippled. Life has been harsh for the poor guy people miss treated him in every school he's been to, so his parent home schooled him. Later on, when he was fifteen Jacky was on a road trip with his family, but a drunk truck driver rammed the car Jacky an his family was in.

Last sentence you said you an instead of and

Jacky sighed and walked through the secret tunnel as he walked further into the tunnel it was getting dark where he can't see anything when suddenly some lights were coming from these crystals that acted like torched helped him see better. As he kept walking, he saw a light at the end of the tunnel and what he saw was something he never seen before. He thought he saw the light from the outside but instead it was a huge crystal inside a massive room that looked like a shrine. for some reason Jacky was drawn to it and as he walked closer to it, he can't help but touch it. When he touched the crystal it felt so warm but as soon as he put his hand on the crystal his hand was stuck to it. Jacky try to pry his hands off the crystal but the more he struggled only making him more stuck. The crystal was growing brighter than before Jacky was getting scared thinking it was a trap all to cache thieves but as Jacky thought it was the end for him, if this was the end for him he would except what his fate. Soon the hole room grow so bright it looked like an explosion was about to appear.

You said Hole I think you meant whole .

Yea that was my mistake but auto corrected always gives ya something else you know how it is.

Another human story in Equestria for my collection, I love it! The first chapter was kind of rushed in my opinion, but it's far from bad.

I'll be following your story, it's interesting and if it's as good as it sounds it will be moved to my favorites.

Interesting... I'll pay attention to the stories progress. And have a like!

This has potential but the writing and sentences could use some polish and clean up.

great story opening. I'm guessing English is not you Native Tongue, no worries i advise you get an English speaking Editor to help you as some of your sentences seem to missing some words to make the context work. For example this sentence:

"As all the Goddesses were thinking they decided to this young man that will change this world forever"

the sentence should be:

"As all the Goddesses were thinking, they decided to transform this young so that he will change this world forever"

See sounds better and it explains the context of the sentence.
You can also the word "change" instead of "Transform" or given the context of the next sentence where the Goddesses heal his cripple leg you can use "Help" instead.

I hope I was helpful. I look forward to your next chapter!

I look forward to seeing more keep up the good work

Thanks for the chapter! I really liked it, Jacky's reactions were very good, as well as the conversations he had with Sunset and Luna.

Some questions,
Is there a goddess for every race that exists on the planet Equus? Or just some?
Is Eris already renovated here?
Does the school of friendship already exist?
Are the creatures here completely naked? Or just the bare minimum of clothes?

No problem it took a while to make and for your questions.

There are many goddesses for each race some are ascended to a higher existence while some are still on Equus. Eris is around but she’s just doing her own thing ya know. The school of friendship is around for later chapters. And the last question everyone is a nudist but there are some that do wear cloths but some just have loincloths on an that’s about it.

Wonderful chapter, keep it up. :twilightsmile:

Good chapter. Looking forward to more.

I really hope there is an update to this story. I and other people really want to see how this story continues.

You really, REALLY need an editor. Or at least to check and double-check your story. The pace is a mess and there's a severe lack of dots and commas.

It kinda sounds like RGRE so I might check this out.

I know but I’ve tried asking around for an editor but no everybody is busy if you know any body let me know.

Ohh noo the gods are watching lol

Well, this was a very interesting chapter to say the least. I can't wait to see more. Stay safe and keep up the great work.

Thanks for the chapter!

I must say it was a chapter full of emotions, the fight against the hydra was very good not to mention that we had a sample of Jacky's powers with his absurd physical strength and apparently he also has the magic of the earth ponies, his introduction to Ponyville it went very well and as always Angel Bunny will start off being unbearable, but I'm sure he will get better, and the welcome party a classic Pinkie that can never be missing and that was very positive from Jacky since he didn't interact with her with the inhabitants, as he has also met some very important figures, in this case Celestia, Lyra, Bon Bon, Gabby, Vinyl and Octavia, I did not expect that they would all be presented in the same chapter. Also the attacking Sunset caught me, already kissed Jacky. And something that took me by surprise Applejack's parents, in this case mothers, alive and young with Grandma Smith also young! DragonSage just blows me away.

And Celestia had a good idea, warning the other world leaders about Jacky soon to avoid misunderstandings and place him as an endangered species so that no harm would be done to him, smart of her.
The goddesses are seeing everything as a show, I confess I already expected it, but Pandora knowing an ancestor of Jacky and having an agreement with him took me by surprise, but it gave a great reason for him to be brought into this world.

I’m glad you like the chapter it took me a while but I got it done and thank you for your wonderful comment.

Thanks for the update!

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"Sister what do you think the world leaders are going to respond about Jacky being in our world they might see him as a threat." said Luna but she has nothing to worry about for I told her of my plan for them to meet him so they may see he's not a threat and she labeled Jacky as endangered species, so they won't harm him. Luna agreed with my idea, but there are other nations are isolated and many unknown regions that I don't know about so I must try expand reach to message them so they may attend the summons as well. As I prepared to send my letters to the world leaders with my magic and in a flash, it was done my task was complete now it was time for me to rest.

And Celestia had a good idea, warning the other world leaders about Jacky soon to avoid misunderstandings and place him as an endangered species so that no harm would be done to him, smart of her.

About that titbit.

Author, I'm still a little confused and annoyed that Celestia thinks that the other world leaders think Jackie of all people as a "threat"? Seriously, he just got here!?

How can he be a "threat" to them? Sure, he got OP powers bestowed upon him by the goddesses. But it's not like he is violent or anything.

He doesn't even own a gun?

Not to mention that he is also the ONLY male to a female society/world.

I'm tempted that the world leaders would actually want a "piece of him", instead of seeing him as a "threat"?

Comment posted by DragonSage deleted Sep 4th, 2023

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Well I you are right but you forget Jacky is still an alien in their world it’s just like marstian manhunter come to earth and was labeled as a threat because he was from a different world an looked different but Jacky is a variant in a female world that bring questions to the believes and natural order in Eques even to some of those that are stuck in the old ways.

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If that surprised you then wait for the next chapter a little spoiler for you I’m gonna show the world leaders reserve the letters from celestia an there are a view that are a view being that are not in the my little pony series but it will surprise you an who knows I might add even more to the story that will surprise you.

Edit: I got tons of things to say to each paragraph I have chosen in here. And I will finish it eventually. I'm finally done.

"Oh, nothing just some stuff to do when we get you situated." said Starlight. as the whole room became quiet until the door banged open with three individuals screaming the town is under attack. Jacky looked at the new ponies that looked like they were in their teens one is a yellow coat with red hair with a pink bow on her head and is 7.7 feet tall with double H cup bust. One with orange coat pegusai with light purple hair and is 7.6 feet tall with triple F cup bust. And the last one had whitish gray coat with pink hair with purple lining in it with a double G cup bust. As the three were panicking Applejack told them to calm down and tell them what's going on.

That's the CMC!? Damn! You gave them a very nice "upgrade" to their mature bodies.

As the girls were complementing Jacky for his heroic actions the citizens of Ponyville gathered to see their new savior as they were gathered Jacky turn around see dozens of pony folk looking at him. The young man felt like he should run but someone grabbed his arm he look and it was Fluttershy holding his arm giving a positive smile telling him that its ok so he stood by her and waited for what happen next. Up in the sky a golden chariot being pulled by pegasi ponies with golden armor came land with two alicorns one Jacky knew from his dreams last but the other he did not know for this one had alabaster coat with a flowing mane of light blue, light green, and pink highlight and is 8.9 feet tall with double M cub bust. As she off the chariot all of the citizens bowed Jacky saw this and bowed as well as the alabaster mare walked up to the young man ask him to stand up in a motherly voice. Jacky stood up and as he stood, he was the same height as her this surprised her for was not expecting him to be tall as her.' Oh, my when Luna said the human was tall, I thought she was exaggerating, and she wasn't wrong either he is quite handsome.' Celestia thought as she got a closer at Jacky, he started to feel uncomfortable with the stare she is giving him.

I forgot or didn't realize that he has become very tall too with his new body. So he is the same height as Celestia!? ( 8.9 feet tall. Damn!!! )

P.S. Celestia definitely has the biggest milk tanks. :trollestia:

"And please take things slow he is still new to everything around him, and he is exhausted from dealing with the hydra from early." said Twilight as she waved at Jacky to come up and meet the towns folk. He was nervous everyone give an reassuring smiles so he took a deep breath walk up and greeted everyone.

"Exhausted"? I hope you're over exaggerating.

Because, he took down that Hydra in just a couple of seconds!? I doubt he broke a sweat from that.

And if I remember correctly in the examination, didn't you say that his stamina/endurance is on par or probably surpassed with Applejack's?

So I highly doubt he is "tired"?

"As you all can see he's harmless and he help us deal with our hydra problem so in a way we got a new hero in our town." said Twilight. As the townsfolk were shocked, they were a little frightened at first but seeing him up close they realize he's not a monster trying to take over their town he's just lost being with no way back home they applauded him for his brave actions and welcomed him with open arms. Jacky was surprised by this he thought for sure they would be scared of him, but they are welcoming him. They cheers got quiet when a mare 7.8 feet tall with a tan coat grey hair with triple H cup bust wearing glasses and a white collar around her neck with a dark green shahs came walking up.

I really don't like this cliche with the townsfolk being too easily scared by a new person, and judge him before they know the guy. Don't like this "monster" BS.

I'm glad that Twilight help him out here.

"Thanks guys todays been very progressive, but my only question is why was a hydra doing in this in the first place because it seems unnatural more a monster like that to be roaming around like it did?" said Jacky but the girls told him not to worry about it too much for this isn't the first time a monster come attacking the town and it won't be the last. as the townsfolk went about their day Princess Celestia and Twilight came over to check on Jacky.

Classic Ponyville shenanigans. :unsuresweetie:

"Sorry about that deary we were just curious how you got those muscle because you seem like you worked really hard to gain such a body like that and we were curious if you want to work with us for, we need strong bodies like yours in our line of work." said Maria. Jacky thanked her for the compliment and offer an he also told them how he got such by accident they were surprised but Maria Ann that accidents happen all the time here for she was also in an accident that made her and her old friends young again a view months back. He asked how that happen it was Twilight working on a new spell it went haywire an Maria and her friends were at the wrong place at the wrong because before they were old and rankly but whatever the spell was turn them back into their young selves again Twilight was about to turn them back, but they didn't want to because they wanted to be young again. Jacky was surprised and was about to asked how old she is but didn't because he was told never ask how old a lady is because it rude manners so he reframed himself from his question and leave it at that. Jacky and the girls left the farm to see where the other girls lived so Jacky can visit them.

Firstly; The parents are still alive, the "father" is also a mare, and Granny is young and hot again.

And Two; did Twilight just unintentionally make a spell for eternal youth!!?? Why is she not making this such a big deal put of it? This is a life-changing breakthrough!!!

And she has the audacity to once want to change them back to their old wrinkly shelves?

Not cool, Twilight.

And Three; I know it is rude to ask a woman's age. But I have a feeling that Jackie will eventually found out about all their ages in a polite manner later on. Plus, we do need to figure out how long do Ponykind/Marekind and other races live, compared to humanity?

"Angel Bunny that was very rude and mean that is no way to treat some one he is not a threat he's my new friend." said Fluttershy but the little rodent just ignored her and about to throw another rock but Jacky coat it and looked at him with a questionable look and ask why the rabbit is being hostile towards him." I'm sorry Jacky Angel Bunny is a bit protective of me and he just doesn't trust anyone because he thinks you want to hurt me."

Jacky looked at the rabbit for he thinks the rabbit is over exaggerating but can understand where he is coming from for, he is just looking after his caretaker, but he told Angel that he not that kind of person so he crouched down and try to start over and try to be friends by reach out his hand to shake his but Angel kicked his leg and hopped away.

"I'm sorry Jacky he's very stubborn but I assure you he'll come around eventually." said Fluttershy. Jacky told her its ok and want to continue on with the tour.

I highly doubt that. Being "friends" with that jerk rabbit?

"Your absolutely welcome Jacky." said Pinkie as she continues to smother the young man head in her chest. The girls approached Pinkie and told her to let Jacky go before she suffocates him with her boobs. Pinkie release Jacky from her chest an as she did Jacky's face was red as a tomato. They asked if he's alright he said he's fine and not to do that again. Pinkie yell "everything is fine let's party."

"Not do it again". Bullcrap!

We all know you like that. And I have a feeling that this won't be the last time this happens. :ajsmug: :pinkiehappy:

"Bonbon I found one I found a human." said Lyra as he pointed at Jacky as Bonbon looked she saw Jacky taking deep breaths for he was still recovering from the whole event a view seconds ago. As Bonbon saw this human she wondered what her marefriend do to it but she also was surprised that her marefriend was right humans do exist. As Twilight came over to talk to the two mares and explain that Jacky is new to their world and he is still adjusting to all of this and asked them to take things slow with him. As the two mares approached Jacky he was about to run but the green one named Lyra approached him to apologize.

"Running"? Really? You're fine taking out a gigantic and monsters Hydra. But can't handle some fangirl stuff from Lyra? :ajbemused: :trixieshiftright:

"Yeah, today has been very productive for him but I'm still worried about how he'll handle the news of him repopulating because we cand let him put himself in harms way for he is the only one of his kind." said Fluttershy. The girls agreed for things could've been worse if he does something reckless like he did earlier.

"Harms Way", "reckless"? He got powers now, very powerful ones at that. He AIN'T defenseless nor is he a weakling.

"Well to be honest with you some of the girls want to help you repopulate so you and the male gene don't die out for example you nearly put yourself at risk fighting that hydra what if that was the end for you we would never see another one of your kind ever again I'm not saying you did anything wrong but don't you think that was reckless diving into the danger. I know you want to do good, but don't you want to start a new life and start a family?" said Barb as she was giving Jacky a question that he didn't expect.

Aren't you all being a bit overprotective? There was no dang "risk" when he quite easily took down that dang Hydra in a couple of freaking seconds!?

And if you all remember that if he didn't do anything, Fluttershy and Rarity would have died!!!

"I think he done very well even and I must say he's something we need in our world maybe he can fix Problem that others could not and who knows he may give what our world needs." Said Faye goddess of caribou and deer for she had a valiant point but some don't know what she meant by what the world needed.

And this is coming from a goddess of the caribou of all things? I know that this is a all-female world. But I hope that there is no Fall of Equestria scenario, but is in twisted reverse with a female "Queen" Dainn!?

"Faye what do you mean may give what our world needs?" said Netuna goddess of jackals.

Egyptian jackals!? Nice~!

"Are you saying he can achieve godhood if he so desires." said Silverstream goddess and mother of all kirin.

One; Hell yeah! He will be the first human male GOD!!!!! 👍

And Two; why name the goddess/mother of Kirins with familiar Hippogriff/Seapony character; Silverstream?

"I gotta say I think I made a wise choice bringing that young man to our world but then his ancestor did save my life once while I was traveling other worlds and as a result he made a good deal if his bloodline were to die out I would save his last descendant, but I didn't expect him to find that old relic that we left behind what do you think Galaxia?" said Pandora goddess of chaos and mother of Eris. As the room was silence Galaxia looked at her old friend with a questionable look.

I'm totally confused?

So what you're saying is is that somehow, someway. A normal/regular/mortal human guy "saved" a literal goddess from a different world?

That makes no dang sense!? Isn't she a very powerful goddess, why does she need "saving" from a mortal/human guy that has no powers whatsoever?

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Well you found a view errors in the story but I’ll try to fix those once I find some editors that will help me.

The caribou are different in this world so there won’t be no fall of equestria.

You may also know I couldn’t think of a name for a kirin goddess because I know some of their names are based on weather or seasons and I just made it as I went along.

And for pandoras predicament traveling throw world could be exhausting it left here drained her of her powers an a weaken state only Jacky’s ancestor help her in her time of need.

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Why do you sound like it's a bad thing? Aren't they the ones that summoned him, fixed his broken body, give him a very cool upgrade to his new body, and vast powers too?

Comment posted by DragonSage deleted Sep 4th, 2023

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Well he wasn’t expecting to be sent to a new world an given a new body and have these abilities but yet they were thrusted upon him instantly by accident and the other goddesses didn’t bring him to equestria it was pandora for she was settling a debt to Jacky’s ancestor that help here in her time of need and galaxia convince the other to help him and give him these abilities to be the a new wonder in their world an they want to see what comes next from their little experiment.

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That also means something is expected or can be taken at any time

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A suggested name for the goddess Kirin: Winter Snow.
So it keeps the naming pattern and I don't remember any mlp character with that name, not that I mind if it stays Silverstream since it looks like the goddesses won't have as constant appearances as the Young six.
I hope it helps!😁

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Love it why didn’t I think of that name I’m a idiot I’ll try an change the name later.

i would love to read this story, but i just cant enjoy it as its written, looking forward to when you get an editor.

also is this what editors work with usually?

this feels like rough draft number 3.

like you need to rewrite it at least 2-4 more times before its handed over to an editor

I am betting the more productive part is a big dick 😂

This is a really good story.

Hay good story but, you may won't to play this chapter on audio reading. You will hear the problem of your work. But don't give up "it's A easy fixes" . Other than that looks good 😊.

These types of stories are the reason people hate HiE. Why are your characters so weirdly portrayed? Especially the protagonist, he has absolutely no idea of who he is and is insanely inconsistent. Usually the worst in these types of stories is the dialogue, so let's go to the most plot important part, the moment he gets out of the crystal. Okay... Why are all the ponies doing a power rangers entry telling him who each one is? And does he has a crystal ball that remained up in his insides? Because he instantly figures out that Fluttershy is supposed to be caring? And kind? What? How even? Is this that japanese anime stuff where people feel the aura around a person and instantly figure out their personalities? Yeah, no. Even if there is a plot explanation for why he could feel that it doesn't explain his reaction, he gets baffled, to quote the story; "Jacky felt his heart skip a beat from this beautiful kindred pony before him. He felt flustered just by looking at her but also comfortable around her like she was made to be a caretaker.". ?!?!?!? How id that even supposed to work?! Does that happen to people in real life when they see the red cross or something? He then proceeds to assume that they eat plants and will thus stop eating plants... Okay? What does that has to do with anything? You're just going to assume they eat exclusively greens anand will give up a central part of human diet, You're not a pony, and even herbivores routinely eat leftover bones or other animal product to better satisfy certain dietary deficiencies.

Then he starts harping on about how terrible humans are and woe is me and my suffering. The problem isn't that he talks as if he was the victim of society (he was, don't get me wrong) the problem is that he feels like he has the right to moralize and generalize all of humanity 'becuse tey figt uwu'. And the ponies are like 'do u wanna talk about it?' Ohh yes, let me talk about how crap my life was in the middle of almost two dozen ponies so I can farm those pity points. Dude you learned his name 30 seconds ago, why are you suddenly playing therapist? It was Fluttershy too you know, the one with 'shy' in the name,

"My species is advance race called humanity or technical term would be homo sapiens by some but we once lived in caves but later on we evolved with knowledge and inventing things to improve our lives for example we once send a man to the moon to prove we can achieve impossible but that was some time ago we still send probes to space but we aren't exactly the most friendliest of race we fight and bicker with each other of how we should be but humanity will always remain divide because of ideology, race, religion, resources, or many other things but there are a view good people in my world its just hard to find then at times." said Jacky. When he said those things about his race are divided this made the girls look a with pity like he hasn't been treated very well in his world and by the look on his face he been living a lonely life in his world as well.

Look at the way this is written "remain divide because of ideology, race, religion [...]" Yeah, because pony people from another galaxy will surely get all of the nuance that comes with those words, he talks about it as if they will immediately understand all the context. Dear lord this was badly written. The main character itself, as I said previously, is just a blank slate, of all the things he mentioned none of those define him, no cool unique (or even normal really, just anything) ideology, no religion so we can carve out his beliefs, no desires besides his personal integrity, no wants beside stability, he is nothing. The only think we know about him is; 'uwu, I suffered' and 'guyys, make peace not war'. I don't know if it's so people can self insert, don't know if it's on purpose and he is being 'mysterious, dandandaan' or if it's an oversight, I just know it's bad, and the reason I find it such os because other stories made with similar ideas manage to make way more gripping plots and compelling characters, than these cookie cutter ones.

Just felt like I had to say this so that people can actually see where errors were made, with hope the author will get better with time as he writes and improve his skills, after all writing is legitimately one of the hardest things to do in high quality, be they Shakespeare or Luís Vaz de Camoens. I don't blame anyone for making any errors, but hopefully the author improves later on in life

Unreadable stream of mind. Dislike in this state.

Holy punctuation, Batman!

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That's because most people who right fanfiction are the same people who think underwater basket weaving and liberal arts are good college degrees and believe their feelings dictate reality.

And herbivores don't really eat things like bones to make up for dietary deficiencies. They straight up eat other animals when available. Be it baby birds (the popcorn of the wild), snakes, rabbits, or whatever else. There are extremely few animals that only eat plants or only eat meat. Koalas and cats, respectively, are a couple examples. The vast majority of herbivores and carnivores are more like "whatever is available"-vores with a leaning towards either plants or prey. Even manatees are known to steal fish caught by fisher's nets and eat it for themselves.

and was about to pop a boner, but he fought these urges

Yeah, boners don't work that way. They happen or they don't. You don't "fight it" nor is it an "urge".

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