• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Fluttershy20


E

Twilight Sparkle is in love with Fluttershy, but now she knows what love is, she doesn't know how to express that love. So after seeing Applejack for advice she makes a plan to go on an adventure with Fluttershy to find this rare flower that shines silver, and sings when those destined to be together are present.

Can Twilight confess her love to the pegasus? Will Fluttershy enjoy going on this adventure? And will the pegasus accept Twilight's love?

As with my first story, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Chapters (24)
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Comments ( 670 )

Hey everyone, here's my second story ever :yay: and it's a romance adventure story with Fluttershy and Twilight.

I wanted to do one with them two for a while, but only now have I brought up the courage to actually do it. These two are my favourite characters so that's mostly why it's just these two.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this first chapter, and it might be a while til another since I want to finish my first story.

What is love?

Twishy? That's enough to convince me to read this...

1662270 DON'T HURT ME!
:rainbowkiss:

1662282 NO MORRRREEEEEEEE*voice crack*

1658393

Well, it's good so far! I'm still not quite sure what they're doing, but Applejack seems to think it's dangerous. Definitely looking forward to seeing what happens with that.
And even more eager for the Twishy.

You seem genuinely interested in getting feedback on your writing in order to improve it, so I would feel bad if I hit the thumbs down on this without leaving a comment to tell you why.

The biggest reason is pacing. It all feels very rushed. Twilight concludes she loves Fluttershy, runs off to get advice from Applejack, comes up with a plan to take Fluttershy to get some kind of magic flower, and convinces Fluttershy to come with her all in what seems like the course of an afternoon. The story seems impatient, like it wants to get the how and why out of the way as quickly as it can in order to get to the part where Fluttershy and Twilight are on the road together. Even Twilight herself seems a bit impatient. She ruled out some of her friends for advice just because they were very temporarily out of town. I can imagine some contexts in which Twilight just couldn't wait and had to do something, but you didn't establish that context. All the impatience seems to afflict Fluttershy, as well. Her desire to get out of the cottage and have an adventure, that much is fine. But she's still Fluttershy, so even though what Twilight was suggesting was exactly what she wanted, she still should have been more reluctant, hemming and hawing over it for a bit longer before giving in.

I like Twi-Shy, so this automatically starts with some points for me. And the Hobbit reference was kinda fun, if maybe a bit obvious. So I'm going to track this story. If it improves, I'll have no problem changing my thumb to up. Good luck, and happy writing!

1662432 Thanks for the feedback. I admit it feels very rushed and the pacing could be a bit better, and yes maybe it was because I wanted to get to the adventure bit of it (unlike my first story which takes its sweet time) which will take a bit longer and be better paced. In fact, if I may ask, what could I do to improve the pacing on this chapter alone?

Thanks for tracking and I hope you will enjoy it. The second chapter might be a while so don't expect quick updates, like I said, I want to get my first story out of the way.

1662354 Thank you, and Applejack will ask about this next chapter.

1662432 Hi again, I took your advice and just did a little revision work and maybe worked out the pacing issue a bit. If it's still a problem then please contact me and let me know what else to change. I appreciate your feedback immensely on this so thanks again.

1662219 1662270 I was going for "I want to know what love is", but that's good enough I suppose. :pinkiehappy:

1663550 Both me AND Dennis the Menace? There's something to be grateful for :rainbowkiss:
Just kidding, I'm not special, I'm everywhere. But DtM... :rainbowkiss:
Also, the story had some grammar issues and sentence structuring problems.

Wow... that's character control if I ever saw some. This thing might just be an actual episode. I could see all the scenes happening for real.

Two words:

Continue! It!

please^^

Hmm. This fic seems pretty promising so far. Can't wait to see what happens next.

What's with all the dislikes, though?

1665725 Thats what I had in mind when I thought of this. Do romance the way the show does it (or would do it). Thanks for that, that has boosted my confidence on continuing this.

.1667032 I hope it lives up to your expectations.

1667412 I was just being honest here so youre more than welcome^^:twilightsmile:

A new Twishy fic? Huzzah! I do believe I shall follow with great interest :yay:

1678796 And I hope you will enjoy what I have in mind.

1663532 i like the story, it is good so far and i cant wait to read more.

don't worry your not the only one that did that. i did it too because of the fact that i don't like going into the boring details about the small, minor, insignificant stuff that is done before the big wow that starts off the adventure and then the excitement begins. i did that with the first chapter to my story as well and i still haven't done anything to it.

i look forward to more, thumbs up for you. :twilightsmile::yay:

This is quite promising.

1681356 Thanks, and yeah it is a pain when you can't think of what to fill in between the action scenes and such (my first story as well had that problem) and thanks for the thumbs.

1684391 I hope you will enjoy it as much as I had fun thinking it up.

1687216 well for me its not more or less what happens in between the fights and big stuff its just the way i built my story is at the beginning i went really fast to get to the part were the humans go to equestria and then everything starts.

you should read it when you get the chance its pretty good and maybe it will help in some way. :twilightsmile:

I have high hopes for this one
Don't disappoint me

A TwiShy fic? We get far too few of these! Let's see what we've got here

Hmm, pacing is pretty good, everyone shown so far largely seems in character, and I like the setup! Okay, thumbs up, and tracked :yay:

Only a couple little nitpicks: I'm happy to see them actually explaining WHAT they're in love with about the other, but I think we could use a few more details about Fluttershy's personality, and a few less about her looks :ajsmug: Also, I know AJ is the honest one, but I think Twi wouldn't lie quite as easily as she is here. Minor nitpicks, and this is some of the best writing quality I've seen in a pairing that doesn't get enough love :raritywink:

Fluttershy leaned over and took her hoof in her own. “It’s okay, Twilight, you can say anything to me.”

Awwwww, how could anypony not be in love with her after something like that :twilightsmile:

1715266 Thank you very much, it honestly isn't every day I get a proper review like this. You're right about some of the nitpicks, though, but we would never see Twilight lying like that in a situation like this in the show, so it'll be difficult to really say what she would do.

You're also right about the Twishy rarity, there are far too few of them, I wonder why? And I'm glad you like the quality of the writing, so thanks so much for that, and I hope you enjoy what I have in store as they leave Ponyville and head out into the world. :twilightsmile:

Hey, sorry I never got back to you earlier; life gets crazy and stuff gets buried. I went back and read your edits to chapter one. All of the changes you made to it were definitely improvements. Twilight's conversation with Applejack still feels a little bit rushed, but on the whole, the chapter is much better than it was.

That said, this new chapter is far superior. It's clear that you took your time here on chapter two. I especially liked the warm dynamic between Fluttershy and Applejack. Their conversation had emotion behind it; it didn't feel like just a frame for exposition. Not to say this chapter was flawless--there were some actions and dialogue that felt a bit more contrived than the interaction between AJ and Fluttershy, and there were some awkward parts where you backed up to explain things in the middle of the flow. But there is definitely improvement happening here. Good job, and keep writing!

1788522 Thank you very much for that; I'll try and improve in the dialouge and the explanantion things I'll try and stop, but thanks again for that. I loved writing for Applejack and Fluttershy; I really wish there was more that happened between them in the show, and I hope I got a good side of thier friendship.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoy the next one. :twilightsmile:

Enjoyed this chapter a lot. I am really looking forward for this twishy adventure. :twilightsmile:

1788685 Thank you, and I hope you enjoy the adventure as well.

As Flapjack says constantly, "Adventure!" Heh, can't wait to see what happens as they travel

Yay new chapter! More Twishy is always good. :yay:

Anyways, good chapter. Waiting eagerly for more!

I have a feeling I'll be praising this story a lot. Excellent chapter.

You have used the same words/ways to describe stuff a few times in a row at some points but other than that its a solid chapter^^ Looking forward to the next one^^ Also, I really wanna know if something I have caught up on here is true or not... hehehe

1789696 There will be a lot of things, one is pirates :pinkiehappy:

1792037 I glad you like it. It is my first romance story so don't expect much. Also I couldn't resist the elder scrolls thing.

1792543 I hope you do, and I hope you enjoy what I have planned...

1793438 I'm glad you liked it, and sorry about the description stuff, I hope it will differentiate from time to time. And what is it you want to know? :rainbowhuh:

1794022 Dont worry, I know you will get better with time^^ And Im not gonna tell you what it is because I wanna find out as the story progresses. hehe^^ But if you want a clue to what it is: it has to do with Fluttershy and her thoughts^^

1794040 Oh I know now, and it is a major part of the plot.

1794050 kinda figured that^^ hehe. *sits here, waiting patiently for the next chapter* :twilightsmile::yay:

1794056 It wasn't easy coming up with it, I'll tell you that now. I've wanted to do something that involved these two amazing ponies for a long time, but couldn't think of a reason for them two to be together with noone else to interrupt them. Only now did I have the courage to put this up.

As for the flower, there will be more about it.

1794687
If you read any of my active stories you'll see it took me fffffooooorrrreeeeevvveeeeerrrrr to really get them going simply cause I try to be original, especially with my HiE fic... that thing took months to plan out and have it be good.
I can see a massive amount of potential for this story, I eagerly await the next chapter:raritywink:
But like I always tell people... quality before quantity. So take your time:twilightsmile:

1794717 Of course I will. Thanks again :twilightsmile:

Twas quite the beautiful chapter my friend :twilightsmile:

I know that this is the longest chapter until now, but i didn't feel that way, very good chapter Indeed.

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