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Twilight goes down with a sickness known as Hornflu a week before Winter Wrap Up, and is left in the care of Fluttershy. There, she is quarantined until the diesease dies off. However, both are harboring secret feelings towards the other that just refuse to be known. What will come of this and, worse, their unexpected fate?
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Tell me what you all think in the comments below!
I think it's awesome Slictz
all i going to say is: I DEMAND MORE!!!!!
62154
Chapter 2 is halfway done. should be up in a couple of days.
62168 yay!
Eh, it's not bad. I'm not big on shipfics, but you managed to keep my attention. Although, grammar needs some improvement: I saw some missing periods, and at some points it was rather confusing as to who was doing what (like the scene where Fluttershy goes to wash the dishes, or whatever. It was hard to follow who was thinking what.)
Overall, a solid 4 with potential to grow to a 4.5 or 5 star fic.
Even more Twishy? YES! Hmm, length of Two's Company Three's a Crowd? Cool. While I have never read that story I do have hopes for this like Study Buddies. Anyway I'm not good at finding errors or anything like but I will keep an eye out for this.
More Please! So far it's been a good FanFic/story or w/e. Cant wait for the next chapter.
This chapter... I liked it. ANOTHER! *smashes coffee cup*
Great intro. It should be interesting to see how it all plays out. Tge one piece of advice I'm gonna give ya is to watch the story's pacing. You really don't want to push it too fast to get to the point. But it appears to have great potential.
Alrighty then, *cracks knuckles* let's get down to business.
I'll start with the good and easy stuff you can do to improve this. Try to break up large paragraphs into easier to read shorter ones. It's easier on the eyes and people can read through a few short paragraphs faster than they could one big one.
It's an interesting storyline, and with a few exceptions, you do a good job of describing their surroundings.
For the most part, everyone is in character with a few exceptions. This may just be me personally, but I just can't see Fluttershy ever saying "my bad." Which leads me to my next bit of criticism, the dialogue. It seemed a little stiff. I'll give you an example:
“So, should we try to taste this cupcake Pinkie brought, then?” Twilight said, trying to break the now slightly awkward silence.
“Yes, let’s try that,” Fluttershy answered as she snapped back to reality. She placed her plate next to Twilight’s and cut a piece for the both of them. Twilight dove into her share in earnest.
A smoother flowing dialogue would be something like:
"How about we try some of this cupcake Pinkie made?" Twilight asked, attempting to break the slightly awkward silence.
"Sounds good to me." Fluttershy answered, placing her plate next to Twilight's and cutting a piece for both of them. The lavender unicorn wasted no time digging into her slice.
I also noticed a couple of interesting word choices in some of the sentences, as well as the absence of a few necessary words, one line in particular stood out:
At last, someone else than the princess and her parents that cared about her well-being, instead of just mocking her.
The word besides should replace than in that sentence. Also the thought process of Fluttershy seemed a bit clunky, and to have her return Twilight's affection this early in the story, even if Twilight doesn't know it yet seems a bit rushed. A good ship fic builds the anticipation before the watershed moment of revealed feelings. If the reader already knows they both like each other, they aren't left wondering much. I suppose what this boils down to is there doesn't seem to be any conflict. This is just the first chapter though, so if there is some planned then disregard my last sentence. You also said you had a proofreader which is good, and this is by no means meant to be an insult to him/her but you can never have too many. Ponychan has a board set up specifically for this purpose if you feel so inclined to get a second opinion. this story has potential, and writing is a learning experience, which is pretty much why we're all here in the first place.
TL;DR: Try to break up big paragraphs, try to work on smoother dialogue, and maybe seek additional proofreaders to help catch some of those missing words and awkward sentences.
Other than that, good job, and I hope an update comes along soon!
62991
That's quite the reply... I of course can't defend any bad grammar om my side, but i'm trying to improve
And i am in the process of aquiring some more proofreaders. And for the bit about pacing, This will be fairly slow paced. Which will hopefully improve over time as i go on. That is all
over all a nice story, even if it's still at it's beginning. I noticed a couple things you could clean up:
“Would you like to share it?” She asked Fluttershy, which responded with a yelp. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,”
The where there's the word which it should be who
It had looked like it was going to be the best one so far had it not been for their friend’s, Twilight, sudden illness earlier that week.
'...their friend's, Twilight, sudden...' is a little bit awkward, maybe try:
It had looked like it was going to be the best one so far, had it not been for their friend Twilight's sudden illness earlier that week.
I think there's a couple others, but they're minor, and I really should get back to my own story. I got distracted and wandered here.
69215
Glad you took the time to read it.
And the mistakes are somthing i'm trying to improve.
20-30 chapter to come
Yep. Chapter 2 is at prereading now and chapter 3 I started yesterday.
Another good chapter, no major grammar or spelling errors jumped out at me... looking forward to the next chapter
Loving where this is going Slictz! The only disappointment is.. that I have to wait a week for another!
Thanks for the 95% chance of no tragedy ^^
:pinkiesad1:
I get depressed easily
Well Happy Birthday to me.
Anyways, good chapter.
''On top of that, I’d like to say that this story will with a 95% secure guarantee never turn sad. I really don’t like sad stories personally. So it will most probably not turn sad.''
A story that will keep my dawwwing the entire way? YAY!!!
Thanks for the comments everyone!
And the Daaaaws will hopefully continue.
That said, I'll be off writing chapter 3 now...
Another good chapter, keep em coming! I wanna see what happens next
Well written and so CUTE! Waiting for more
aaaaaaand tracking!
In response to the last sentence: Magic.
No, really. I'm sure Twilight has a fertility spell.
Oh, Twilight you're not suppose to be the klutz of the group.
As allways, Thanks for the comments!
And chapter 4 is underway too.
That is all.
It's really cute and well-written, I hope you'll keep writing
aww, smitten Fluttershy is adorkable
Can't wait to see what comes next!
Waking up and finding that this updated." I didn't know it was Christmas again!"
Anyways, it was a good read.
Pinkie Sense can detect when 2 ponies start a relationship?
pinke pie scares me. how did she know that 2 ponies were starting a relation ship?!
I guess I should reply to all the comments about Pinkie Pie popping up...103538>>103539>>106343
All i'll say is, wait and see when Chapter 5 comes out.
That is all.
Oh dat Pinkie, always with the fourth-wall breaking and knowing things she couldn't possibly know. >w<
And OMG a Skittles reference. That really made me grin. XD
so this stroy won't go sad? thank you. now i can read something that won't ball my eye's out.
Read this for Pinkie Pie Madness : Pinkie Pie's Tasty Testing.
If the title isn't warning enough, it's mature.
Also, Pinkie is totally destroying the 4th wall in the last chapter, because it is 51% troll, and 48% clop. It's 1% derpy.
West Lander, signing off.
Yay. So good. I can't wait for more.
man i've been excited for a while about this chapter. all the wait was worth it. i have no words. i can vision all of and it was beuatiful. twilight may not be my favorite pony in the world but now there togther, happy and in love.
quick question: what did pinke pie give to flutter shy anyway?
Awesome!
Cute, I love a well executed mutual attraction confession. Though I found it rather odd how loose they both were with words and actions before their confession. But it's fine.
Awesome work brony! I'd track this, but I can't track twice
Hmm Hmm!
Well thought out plan by Fluttershy. Kind of dragging towards the description of the fight but well played nonetheless. Love to read more!
Eeyup
i've read this about 5 times now and i have one question: what's with the rainbowdash referance when fluttershy is setting up the date?
is that a hint towards a flashback chapter or something. oh well.
137782
There's nothing special about that scene. Nothing at all
dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/131895906158.png
137940 oh okay. i'll just walk away now. have a good day my writer friend.
dun dun dunnnnnn....
an excellent chapter, looking forward to the next one