Rekt
"Good morning, class!" Miss Cheerilee said, resting her hoof on a strange colt's withers.
"Good morning," grumbled the still-sleepy students.
"This is Chip Cutter," she said. "He's just moved to Ponyville from Cloudanooga. Please make him feel at home!"
The colt hung his head, his wings drooping.
"He ain't got a cutie mark yet," Apple Bloom whispered to Scootaloo and Sweetie Bot.
"We'll invite him to sit with us at lunch," Scootaloo said.
Sweetie's pupils turned into targeting crosshairs and she pinged him with her pulse-Doppler radar.
At lunchtime, the students all moved to the picnic tables out by the playground.
"Come crash our squad," Sweetie Bot said to Chip Cutter.
"What?" he replied, cocking his head.
"She means you can sit with us," Scootaloo said. "I'm Scootaloo, this is Apple Bloom, and this is Sweetie Bot. We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
They sat down and opened their lunch boxes. Scootaloo had a peanut butter, banana, honey, and marshmallow sandwich, since she was carbo-loading for a session of scooter practice after school. Chip Cutter had a hayburger, Apple Bloom had something she insisted was most certainly not a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich—none of the pigs on the farm had fomented rebellion yesterday, how dare y'all suggest such a thing?—and Sweetie Bot had a lithium battery smoothie.
Chip Cutter asked, "What do you three do for fun around Ponyville?"
"Fun? I live on a farm," Apple Bloom said. "I'm up before dawn feeding the chickens and doing chores until bedtime."
"I'm a scooter daredevil," Scootaloo said. "You should see my tricks."
"She scooters full send," Sweetie Bot agreed.
Chip Cutter said, "I like practicing flying tricks and making art. Sculptures, especially." He tilted his head at Sweetie. "What about you?
"I sing, sew capes, and make graph theory computations."
Chip Cutter blinked again.
"We dunno what that means, either," Apple Bloom said, "but Twilight called her an edgelord."
"What's this school like?" Chip Cutter asked.
"Full of douche biscuits," Sweetie informed him.
Chip Cutter's ears twitched.
"She means Diamond Tiara," Scootaloo said, glaring at the next table, "and Silver Spoon."
"Fuck 'em with a chainsaw," Sweetie muttered.
"Don't forget Rumble," Apple Bloom said.
"What about Rumble?" Chip Cutter asked, looking at where the other pegasus colt sat with Snips and Snails at one of the other lunch tables.
"When his brother became a Wonderbolt," Sweetie Bot said, "Rumble got possessed by a douchergeist. Acts like he's better than us."
"You, uh, don't like Rumble?" Chip Cutter said. "I met him in my new neighborhood yesterday. He seemed pretty okay."
"We're antistalking him," Sweetie said.
Chip Cutter looked at Scootaloo and pointed at Sweetie. "I can't understand a word she says."
"Y'all get used to the voice synthesizer eventually."
"Not her voice." Chip Cutter shook his head. "I hear the words. They just make no sense."
"Oh, yeah, that's new," Apple Bloom replied. "She got tired of ponies calling her a dictionary, so she installed the Urban Dictionary over her regular one."
"It was a mistake," Scootaloo said gravely.
"I made a little fucky-wucky," Sweetie agreed, holding her forehooves a half-inch apart.
"Miss Cheerilee won't call on Sweetie in class no more," Apple Bloom said.
"Cockwomble." Sweetie frowned and saline solution leaked from her eyes. "Fucknuckle."
Diamond Tiara sauntered up to the table, nose held high, with Silver Spoon just behind her. "You're new," Diamond purred to Chip Cutter, "so you don't know any better than to hang out with these... weirdos. Want to join us at the good table?"
"Find your silence!" Sweetie shouted. "Annoydiot."
Diamond rolled her eyes. "Has she been rebooted lately?"
"No, not since last week," Scootaloo said.
"Well, I ain't rebooting her no more," Apple Bloom said. "They call it the reset butt-on for a reason."
"Leave this to meeee." With an evil grin, Diamond Tiara looked at Sweetie Bot. "Should the past tense of yeet be 'yeeted' or 'yote'?"
Sweetie's eyes widened, her spine stiffened, and then she collapsed forward onto the lunch table.
"You killed her!" Chip Cutter shouted.
"She'll be fine," Scootaloo said and booped Sweetie on the nose.
Sweetie made an electronic screech and sat up. She reached into her bag and pulled out a fedora and settled it on her head, just behind her horn. In a gravelly voice: "Jumpin' Jehosaphat!"
"Oh, horse apples," Apple Bloom said. "This mode again?!"
"What's up now?" Chip Cutter asked.
"You're going to the big house, see?" Sweetie grated, glaring at Diamond Tiara. "You're a bad egg."
"I think I understand her even less now," Chip Cutter said.
"I think I need to get Miss Cheerilee," Silver Spoon said.
"Listen here, doll," Sweetie said, pointing a hoof at her. "Nopony likes a snitch, capisce? Don't be a fink."
Diamond Tiara gestured come here to Snips and Snails.
"Leave your goons out of this," Sweetie growled. "You're the one who's behind the eight ball here."
Snips and Snails sat back down.
"Everypony in this town is crazy!" Chip Cutter cried.
"I'm not certifiable," Sweetie said. "I'm on the level."
"I think we should reboot her again," Scootaloo said.
"I don't know any gangster paradoxes," Diamond Tiara said. "The yeet one was all I had."
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "I guess we have to get a pencil for the reset butt-on."
Chip Cutter smiled, raised a hoof, and started to speak.
"No," all the fillies told him simultaneously.
He frowned and lowered his hoof.
"What's pi divided by zero?" Silver Spoon asked with a smirk.
"You're a real gas," Sweetie said, pulling her fedora lower. "I should kick you in the keister."
"They patched that exploit," Scootaloo said.
"Dang," Silver Spoon said. "Last time I asked her to divide by zero, she left a puddle of oil on the floor."
"You're not worth doodly-squat," Sweetie said, standing up. "I'm gonna go find some hep cats."
She ran off, away from the school house.
"We—we have to go get her!" Chip Cutter said, standing on his bench and planting his hooves on the table.
Apple Bloom waved a hoof. "Don't worry. She's headed to my house."
"Your house?" Diamond Tiara sniffed. "Why would anypony go to that dump?"
"To talk to my Granny Smith. Why do y'all think I installed gangster mode on Sweetie in the first place?"
"I was wondering about that," Scootaloo said.
"...why?" said Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, and Chip Cutter simultaneously.
"We want Sweetie to talk to my Granny and jog her memory."
"Jog her memory... of what?" Silver Spoon asked cautiously.
"During Ponehibition," Apple Bloom said, "Granny was a bank robber and ciderlegger, but she forgot where she buried all her stashes of bits."
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That explains his Season 7 personality.
you always do the best comedy sweetiebot fics
At least she didn't have to get in the forever box.
11690969
They did, however, have to restore from a backup.
With this latest upgrade, Sweetie will be very based, or whatever word she will know to use to describe her new improved self.
Classic sock.
She's still too young for battery acid martinis, after all.
Booo.
Yoten.
Delightful use of the unique storytelling opportunities presented by Sweetie Bot, though I am sad to see Diamond Tiara still antagonizing the Crusaders. Still, a very fun read. Thank you for it.
This was good.
A one shot bot story.
EDIT: The cover pic is perfect.
This is funny. Now I want to read a fanfiction where Applejack and/or Apple Bloom find out that Granny Smith used to be a bank robber and are emotionally conflicted by it.
Gangster Sweetie both reminds me of "A Piece of the Action" from the original Star Trek and the time I had a barely-post-Nightmare-Moon Luna mixing several decades' worth of slang in her speech as a result of trying to catch up to modern Ponish.
11691158
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/period_speech.png
11691164
I kept it contained to the 20th century, but yes, something like that.
Exceptional! Poor Sweetie Bot haha.
(Note the eye roll...)
You'd think that I might find some cool story to read, but lately all that I have been seeing is just a bunch of crosses and FoE, if not Fallout crap. Thus, I am reduced to intaking a "Sweetiebot" fic. Gave me a couple of giggles, at least. I'll give it that.
11691164
Remember, it could be worse. We could be talking in the "Turned-on" way as in "A Clockwork Orange" with the "old In-out-in-out" schtick. Got it, Droog? (Yeah, another eyeroll and heavy sigh)
This F
kking story had me snort/laugh so hard I actually hurt myself! And I shouldn't be caught off by your endings anymore but yet again, you messed with my expectations.
Like, FAVE and so on...
This shit is good
After years involved in MLP, Most of the Pony puns fly right over my head after reading them almost daily for over a decade. So whenever we get a new one like this, it feels like being hit by a train. Bravo!
I'll happily hand my crown of the nr1 feature spot to a fellow Sweetie Bot story xD. Congratz my man and a funny story.
11691969
Ha, thanks! (Although we swapped back.)
11691975
Posting a new chapter will do that. xD
Your shitpost-in-story-form crackfics are astonishingly coherent, Sock.
C’mon, you can not say something that incredible and refuse to elaborate.
11692262
Shitposting is an art, and I am an artiste.
Encore encore
11692395
"the mudponies did it"
*refuses to elaborate further*
*leaves*
11691082
Yate.
Hahahahhahahhahahajahahah
11693317
Yoted.
11694117
Yeetened.
"Ponehibition"
That alone means you have to write a sequel.
Sweetie Bot dates back to Friendship Is Witchcraft episode 4 (2011 !) & is the most enduring meme to come out of that series.
11694225
Yet!
I have no idea what I just read but it was wonderful.
Oh this had me howling
I think I nearly bust a lung laughing at c**ckwomble. Well done 
This was yes.