Director's Assistant
Celestia sat in a chariot soaring high in the sky. She was admiring the scenic green vistas below and avoiding the annoyed looks of her companions. But no matter where she turned, she could feel their gnawing gaze upon her coat.
“Nice view, is it not?” Celestia said with an awkward smile. “All those... forests and glades...”
The brown earth pony squeezed next to her just nodded indifferently. Judging by the bored expression on his face, admiring the scenery was the last thing on his mind. The rest of the crew was the same story. The only one who reacted was the stylish white unicorn sitting in front of her. He glanced down for a moment, only to lock his eyes on Celestia, his eyebrow arched in irritation.
“Yes. The vegetation this year has bloomed... adequately.”
Adequately. The darn word made Celestia’s soul flinch, almost leaking her inner scowl through her mask of calmness. When she heard about an opening for a director’s junior assistant, it seemed like a perfect job for her. With all those years of carefully plotting behind Twilight’s back and nudging things to make sure the young alicorn gets back alive from her adventures, directing others seemed easy-peasy. But her boss, Quick Take, turned out to be an annoying insatiable boor who was never satisfied with her work. Her job became a binary system where things could be either ‘horrible’ or ‘adequate.’ The ordeal gave her a flashback of her dealings with the nobbles… headaches included.
“How much longer?”
Quick Take’s question brought Celestia back from her inner monologue and into reality. She glanced to the ground below, then at the map, then back to the ground again. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t find any point of reference. Fortunately, with all the years of doing diplomacy behind her belt, she knew exactly how to handle it.
“We should be arriving... soon,” Celestia said, with her usual gentle smile.
But Quick Take rolled his eyes. “Specific as always... HOW SOON?!”
Celestia’s smile widened. “VERY soon!”
Judging by the wrinkles forming on his forehead, Quick Take was not impressed. But before his whining could start giving Celestia the familiar headache, one of the pegasi chariot riders came to the rescue.
“Another twenty minutes or so, Director, sir!”
“Twenty minutes?!” Quick Take huffed, grinding his teeth. “We must be fifty kilometers from Canterlot by now.”
“Bah! More than that, Director, sir!” The pegasus glanced at his clock. “At this speed... at least seventy! With another thirty or so to go!”
“Seventy kilometers?!” Quick Take turned to Celestia, his frown a clear sign of more whining incoming. “Why, for heaven’s sake, did you pick up a place that far away from our primary studio?!”
But despite her boss’s glare, Celestia continued to smile. She already imagined the old fool stunned in awe once he saw the location.
“Director, sir. As a former princess, I learned that one should never cut corners when looking for a proper venue,” Celestia said. “That is why I never aim for adequate; I aim for perfection.”
If Quick Take was impressed, he didn’t show it; his face remained as blank as before. “Perfection... My dear, for your sake, this spot better be so perfect that it gives me a hard-on!”
Celestia’s lips began curling involuntarily, and she let out a quiet chuckle. I had no idea that’s still possible...
“What are you smirking over there?!”
“N-nothing, Director, sir!” Celestia said, snapping back to reality. “I guarantee the place shall fulfill your... requirements.”
Quick Take harrumphed but went silent. They touched down on the snowy ground with a mild thud twenty minutes later.
Celestia was the first to jump off the chariot and point her hoof forward. “We are almost there. Please follow me!”
Quick Take and the rest of the crew reluctantly jumped to the snow, trembling at the freezing wind biting their flanks.
“Ugh, if I knew we’ll be this close to the Frozen North, I would bring my winter coat!” Quick Take grumbled. “How far? Or do you plan to freeze us to death?!”
“Of course not! Just follow me. We shall be there in a minute,” Celestia said, but then her mind started to wander… But I could, you know? That far north, they would never find the bodies. A chilling smile filled her face, but she perished the thought with a forceful headshake. Focus, Celestia, we are here for business, not pleasure—
“Hello! Equestria to Mrs. Royalty!” Quick Take’s nagging abruptly brought her to reality again. “Stop daydreaming and show us that perfect spot of yours!”
Celestia stopped. “Actually, it is… here.”
“Here?!”Quick Take began glancing around, only to lock his gaze back on Celestia a moment later, frowning. “Here, as in… here, here?!”
Celestia blinked, confused. Is the idiot blind? “Yes… Here, here.”
Like a hawk looking for prey, Quick Take began scanning the horizon, but once again, he came out empty. “Are you telling me this place is in my line of sight?!” Seeing Celestia’s silent nod, he glanced around one more time, but it was the same story again.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! There!”
Celestia pointed her hoof at the nearby clearing, hoping the old coot would finally realize his mistake and praise her for a well-done job. But her boss just frowned harder.
“That?!” Quick Take snorted like an angry bull. “What the heck is THAT?”
“… a glade covered in white snow?”
Quick Take’s lips curled into a mocking smile. “Could you please explain to me... WHY THE FUCK WOULD I NEED A GLADE COVERED IN WHITE SNOW?!”
Celestia responded with a mocking smile of her own. “Because it is in the script?”
“Really?” Quick Take levitated a thick book out of his saddlebag. “Here, show me please where is there a mention of a glade covered in white snow!”
And I thought nobles were annoying... Celestia rolled her eyes and began rummaging through the pages.
“Hey, director, sir!” The pegasus driver shouted, rolling a snowball. “Do you wanna build a snowman?”
Quick Take let out a growl, and a spider’s web of puffed blood vessels appeared on his neck. It was a dead giveaway his irritation was reaching a boiling point. Thinking she had messed something up, Celestia began nibbling on her lip. But then, the book came to her rescue.
“Here! Look!” Celestia motioned her hoof at the script. “’As they traveled up the hill, they saw a glade covered in white.’”
Celestia rose her nose high and smiled again. Quick Take, not so much. He grabbed the script, glanced at it for a second, and gave it back, piercing her with an irritated glare. It was the final straw.
“What? What is wrong this time?!” Celestia said, grinding her teeth right through her mask of calmness. “The glade is too small? There is not enough snow? Or maybe the tilt is not adequate? What defect are you going to complain about this time you… annoying jackass?!” She put on an irritated smile. “And I mean that with all due respect... Director, sir.”
Quick Take smiled at the little insult, glanced Celestia in her magenta eyes, and calmly said, “Turn the page...”
Celestia let out a loud annoyed snort, but once she flipped the page, the howling air of the frozen north suddenly turned to sandpaper and razors, scraping the smug off her face. Her confidence joined the ride a second later, evaporating like a fart in the wind. It was at this moment that Celestia knew… she fucked up!
“Oh...”
“Oh, indeed...” Quick Take’s smile widened. “Now, my dear former assistant, could you please read that for me?”
With her cheeks on fire and eyes glued to the scrip, Celestia heaved a heavy sigh. She started reading the page as if it were an obituary.
“’ As they traveled up the hill, they saw a glade covered in white... crosses...’”
When she stopped reading, she was surrounded by the annoyed looks of her companions. As if on cue, the wind died down at that very moment, only adding to the awkward silence.
Celestia glanced at Quick Take, smiling sheepishly. “Is it possible we could forget about this incident... Director, sir?”
The legend has it that Quick Take’s evil cackle could be heard as far as the Crystal Empire. Nopony hired Celestia to direct anything ever again.
Hey guys, long time no see! As you can see, I'm not dead yet, and the good news is I'm still writing. The less good thing is that my mojo got a bit rusty, and motivation dwindled. But hey, nothing is perfect. Anyway...
I hope you enjoyed this little thing. The story is marked as 'complete,' but if you liked it you may add it to your watch list. I may add more chapters later when I think of something else fitting for Celestia to mess up 
If you like reading stories here, consider throwing knighty a coin or two to keep it alive and well:
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This story gave me a nice laugh. Maybe Sunbutt will have better luck with her next post-retirement job
.
Twilight had to have gotten her perfectionist side from somewhere
DETAILS, Tia! Always remember the details.
I suggest she next try her hoof at being a baker's assistant at a five-star restaurant. We all know her love of cakes, so that should provide plenty of comedy material.
I came for the adorable Celestia in glasses. I liked the story because I just felt I could relate to Celestia.
11257148
What so she can eat the products before they can get to the customer?
11257022
I wouldn't count on it happening in this story. More of epic failures, though? Definitely
!
11257148
11257373
Hmm, that is an interesting idea. She knows how to cook quite well, judging by the things she made for Luna in 'Between Dark and Dawn.' But letting her inside a sugar-filled bakery would be like letting a junkie into a pharmacy... it could only end up well
11257322
Cute, aren't they? My four hours of searching Derpi for a proper cover paid off
11257408
100% glasses make anything at leas 20% more adorable
Ha, that was funny.
I guess ruling a country for 1000+ years got her into a bit of a rut.
Luna would have a better time as a mail mare (I think).
Funny fanfic. An idea : Odd jobs for the other princesses after their own retirement, with similar results.
And they never did find his body.
It’s be funny if Luna did a better job
11257518
Can't argue with that:
derpicdn.net/img/2018/5/1/1721780/large.png
11257566
It could work... if Luna could handle her Canterlot Voice. Otherwise, I predict something like this:
11257598
If I think of something workable for the rest of the gang, I'll definitely give it a shot
.
11257664
In the initial ending, Quick Take was supposed to berate and make fun of Celestia for wasting his precious time, only to see the Moon popping above the horizon:
But I thought that blasting ponies to the Moon joke is overused. Although, it would be funny to see Twilight's reaction
11257897
Judging by Luna's temper, she would be good at pushing people around. Though, in her case, a job of a drill sergeant would probably be a better fit
.
11257408
Is it strange that I can actually buy Celestia thinking Pinkie would somehow feel better about her assistant smuggling drugs into her bakery than eating all the powdered sugar?
I mean, I suppose if it kept Celestia away from the powdered sugar Pinkie might just arrange for it herself...hmm...
11257968
Judging by how energetic Pinkie is all the time, something tells me she wouldn't have to 'arrange' for anything. She would just share a part of her own stash
The comments on about Luna not being able to control her temper kinda make me want a story where Best Princess becomes a waitress and accidently turns the place into one of those gimmicks where you go to be abused by the staff. So yeah Lulu is just bad at her new job but ponies start coming in so they can get yelled at by a former princess.
11258519
Okay So I think I'm going to write this .
11258519
Wait, what? That's a real thing
? You learn something new every day 
Please do! I want to read that
!
11260046
I've never personally been to one but yeah they are real.
I've already started. If I had to guess I'm probably about halfway through. I should have everything wrapped up today or tomorrow. It mostly depends on how far I decide to stretch it. If I can convince my friend to draw the cover art I want for it I'll give her what ever time she wants to work on it before posting. If she declines I'll just forego that and post it when its finished.
Sorry, I can’t suspend my disbelief on this one. Amusing concept, but I just can’t make this gag fit with Celestia.
11260972
I understand; sorry it didn't work for you
.
The initial version had Trixie in Celestia's place. It was probably more believable, but having Trixie messing things up wouldn't surprise anyone, so I switched to someone who seems more responsible. Maybe the story would have worked better with Mrs. Great and Powerful. It's hard to tell.
Anyway, thanks for the comment. I appreciate it
11260046
Maid Cafe with the various cliched personalities; moe, kawaii, tsundere, sadistic, motherly and so on...
For extra lols, use the wrong pony a few times for the personality position they must perform (ex. a very "moe" Fluttershy as tsundere or a rather "sadistic" Chrysalis as kawaii)
I say more stories!!!! Maybe next she can be a teacher that transfers the best student to a different district, somehow
11338354
I'm trying to get myself around to writing more stuff. Ideas are there, but so is the writing block
.
But I'll definitely get back to it, hopefully soon - stay tuned