Monument

by Equimorto

Plain sheet of paper containing a portion of the lyrics to the Official Equestrian Anthem; Found in the garbage outside Canterlot's School for Young Ponies the morning after a school play

Equestria, the lands we love
Great lands of harmony
Our flag does wave from high above
For everyone to see

Equestria, the heavens' home
For our rulers stand tall
And gift the world whole night and day
Each sundown and each dawn

Equestria, where chaos once roamed
Now crushed beneath our hooves
By princesses been sealed away
Nevermore to return

Equestria, vast lands of peace
Of great prosperity
Where every life is owed a place
And happiness and glee

Equestria, our freedom's lands
Where ponykind do roam
And may our triumph never end
Equestria, our home

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Wonderful work in peeling back the layers of deception to reveal the horror beneath. The twist reveal of the captain's identity was masterfully executed.

I admit, I was a bit confused at first because I was reading the dates as M/D/Y rather than D/M/Y, but I figured it out soon enough. Thank you for a gripping read, and best of luck in the judging.

[Matthais Unidostres]

So Discord was far more malevolent and powerful in this AU.

[Ersatz_okapi]

What’s the significance of the pluralization in the anthem?

[The Ancestor]

This really was a satisfying read, and a clever one as well.

To be honest, the M/D/Y thing threw me for a loop for a second, but I suppose it's a matter of habit, and it didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story.

The ending surprised me, and it's nice to see the AU tag utilised properly.

I also really liked the format, I must confess I'm a sucker to this kind of writing.

Best of luck in the contest!

[Lionpaw315]

Wow!

Very compelling and intriguing. Mystery actually had a very, very satisfying resolution- every time I got to a new reveal I would be like "oh shit" and go back to previous chapters and read and ohhh mmhmnmnmng it fits together SO WELL

I guess one thing I'm a bit about is unless I'm really dumb, I didn't really notice how Shining died? In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter, but I guess I kind of wish it had been tied to the whole central conspiracy or whatever. Or maybe it was explained and I'm very oblivious. Still, not a big deal.

Great job again!! I can't emphasize how much I appreciate that you managed to actually stick the landing at the end. Too many times I get to ~the reveal~ in horror stories/movies and I'm like "oh okay" but this one made me like, snap my fingers and go "OH SHIIIIIT!"

[Bicyclette]

Equestria, where chaos once roamed
Now crushed beneath our hooves
By princesses been sealed away
Nevermore to return

i grew up with the American National Anthem, but it was always something to just sing and not think about the meaning behind the words. this reminds me of the first time i realized that the verses were referring to actual events instead of living purely in the realm of poetic metaphor.

---

in any case, wow. way to stick the landing on the dénouement!

like augh, the first half of the fic built up so much suspense and so many unsettling hints that it was hard to imagine the fic would manage to pay off all of them but it TOTALLY DID! like, wow, even the stuff i didn't even expect to pay off, it did, somehow? it was such an amazing reading experience thank you so much!

now i'm going to ramble a bit about the end because that was just so great! first we get Twilight's ending, gaining the knowledge she had sought out so desperately at the cost of her sanity and life, but with it something beautiful beyond that knowledge, which is a glimpse into a reality free from the horrific compromises that her world had been built atop of, a vision of life as it should be if the universe were not cruel. and as an adult human who has spent an absurd amount of time thinking about ponies these past two years, hoowee does that resonate with me.

and then the horrors of the compromise that this reality was built upon. nothing i can say here will match the poetry with which Sassy Saddles and Celestia described it, living as they are with the full weight of the horror on them, but wow. just so hauntingly grim, to match the grim end of Applejack and the unnamed stallion of decades ago and even the more mundane end of Shining Armor. the precarity of their false peace, the suffering literally buried in the past and the horrors that await.

and then the last two chapters! closing the loop on Twilight's ecstatic, mindless end with the last glimpse of her innocence as she unknowingly awaits to learn that her older brother has died and is gone forever. two cracks of light bookending a lifetime of darkness. then the national myth told through the Equestrian national anthem, letting the last peek we have of this world be seeing the entire nation and all that is based on through the lens that the filly Twilight would have had.

just fantastic stuff. i wish i could read more like this.

[Genmaicha]

I loved this so much! Definitely one of my favorite horror fics on this site.

The tone throughout is fantastic, and piecing together the bits of lore from each entry was a lot of fun!

[Saix]

Decided to read this for a second time. Reading it again is a very different experience, the first time I was trying to figure out what was going on so some details flew over my head, but already knowing what's happening makes it feel like a different story.

As a horror and a tragedy it works excellently, the build up to Twilight entering the inner Spire when we already know that it kills her is tense and sad, and having the autopsy report immediately after a chapter where Twilight says nothing but that the Spire is a prison hits hard, especially when the details of the autopsy are so awful.

The story has a surprising amount of gut punches that land properly considering the length, namely the autopsy, 'I cut it out', the reveal of OG's identity and the reveal of why she was so interested in the Spire in the first place and why she visited it the date she did. The truth behind the supposed civil war is also quite disturbing.

I think that the strongest parts of it are the pacing and the overall atmosphere. The reveals and the order the story is told work together perfectly to give an atmosphere of at first depression and melancholia and then towards the end hopelessness.

The scene with Twilight seeing all the different realities and watching the FIM reality for years feels different after reading The Behemoth Came to Canterlot, the first time around I was 50/50 on whether it was real or just hallucinations. I'm glad she was relatively happy in the end.

I agree with Bicyclette about Sassy's suicide note, it would be very easy to overdo or underdo it, but it's pretty much pitch perfect.

Finally, it was great to have the mystery and all the different plot threads actually pay off. Kudos.

[Octoskan]

This. Is. Vastly underrated, my god. 10/10 pacing, world building, twists, just everything.

[Zaveryn]

Distressing ending. I love it.

[Octoskan]

This is my second read through. I think about this one a lot.