• Member Since 8th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 30th, 2019

CodeMonkey


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Magic is a common sight in Equestria and for some it's a way of life. At the darkest depths, an ancient secret of this arcane art lies hidden away from the world. Few possess the rare ability to summon this mysterious power and even fewer are able to control it. A lone mare will discover her great and powerful ability to break the boundaries of her magic and learn the secrets of true magic under the guidance of a strange unicorn who is keeping more than a few secrets. What wonders and dangers lie beyond the veil of the ageless magic steeped in mystique and darkness?
***
Constructive criticism, thoughts, or any help would be greatly appreciated!
Edited by my good friend, Shumiry

Chapters (29)
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Comments ( 126 )

Interesting... Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

My interest is piqued and I'm waiting for more!

It's a nice story, but maybe some of the paragraphs could be shorter?:duck:
But well done, though.:twilightsmile:

Thanks for the tip, I'll try to ensure future paragraphs are shorter. Glad you like the story so far. :pinkiehappy:1241179

Glad you like it. I'll make sure the next chapter is out ASAP.1240977

Two solid chapters, a good sign. :twilightsmile:

Woot! Friggin awesome. Looking forward to the next part!

"that you will adhere by while you" This should either be "adhere to" or "abide by".

Also, in the paragraph where Trixie steps onto the porch of the caravan, you use "porch" four times. Try mixing it up with something like "structure" or "rickety-looking deathtrap". And the last time it's used, where it reads "cracked porch floor" is unnecessary, since we already know you're still talking about the porch, you can just say "floor".

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

Whoa, thanks for letting me know. I should have caught those errors. :derpyderp2:

I'll be sure to fix those immediately. And again thanks for reading, the next chapter will be coming out next week! :twilightsmile: 1284807

Weee. Another sweet chapter!

"Trixie cursed the stallion under her breath as her search for an exit hastened. "
Since you just started the previous sentence with "Trixie" you should start this one with she.

"the doors metal handle."
Should be "door's".

"All of it was lie."
This might read better as "All of which, right now, was a lie." or something like that. Phrased as it is, it's saying that the previous sentence detailing her desires is a lie, not the desires themselves when compared to reality.

"“You…You said,”"
The second "you" doesn't need to be capitalized. It's the difference between the first "you" being a standalone statement, which would be more fitting for an angry scene (Tichonderese rounded on the frightened muffinkin. "You. You did this to me!"), and it being a first attempt which trailed off, which I believe is what you were going for.

"illumined"
This should be "illuminated".

"than your journey"
This should be "then". Than is for comparisons, then is for sequences of events. (Nicer than roasted alligator.) (Dinner then dessert)

"slowly dissipated, as the room slowly began to light up"
Here, the second "slowly" is redundant and can be removed.

"room faded into an enormous,"
Here, "faded" should be "bloomed". Fading typically references the depletion of light, not the depletion of darkness, since there is only light or the absence thereof. This isn't really a big deal, and if you don't like that, you could rewrite the whole sentence and say something like, "As the gloom retreated, an enormous, extravagant grand foyer came into view."

"The foyer had two long winding staircases on both ends leading to a second story that overlooked them. The floor was finely polished hardwood that gleamed and shined from the light of a large crystal chandelier hanging overhead. The walls were a lighter shade of wood with a number of exotic tapestries and paintings decorating its walls."
Here, each sentence starting with "the" makes the reading lack flow, and feel choppy. Instead perhaps leave the first sentence alone, but change the others to something like, "Finely polished hardwood floors gleamed and shined in the light of a large crystal chandelier hanging overhead. Exotic tapestries and paintings adorned the walls, which were a lighter shade of wood. "

"a bit…threating,"
There are two instances of "threating" which should be "threatening". (Threat is a noun, threaten is a verb)

"It’s my room. I’ll thank you to stay out of my room,”
Here I think it would read better if the second "my room" was replaced with "it".

"The window gazed out at the dark Everfree Forest"
Here, using "window" again is awkward. (The previous sentence ended with that same word, meaning only a period and a single syllable separate the two instances.) Perhaps rephrasing it as "The (portal/glass/some synonym for window) offered a view of the dark Everfree Forest".

"pony who she wasn’t sure what his intentions were."
This should be, "pony whose intentions she was unsure of."

"What was that magic I used? What was that magic that Magus used?"
Here, the similar sentence structure and repeated use of "magic" ought to be changed. Perhaps replace the second sentence with something like, "Was it the same power Magus called upon?"

"True Magic, is what he called it"
Here, it seems like she's quoting his terminology, so True Magic should be surrounded in single quotation marks. Something like, "'True Magic', is what he called it".

"They buzzed around in her head for what seemed like hours. But, soon her eyelids grew heavy."
This should all be one sentence, separated by a comma, with the comma after "but" removed.

"Trixie wearily walked over and got into the bed, too tired to think any more on this magic subject or even whether or not she’ll wake up"
Here, since you just ended the previous sentence with "bed", you can just say she "walked over and got in," also, since she's only been wondering about one topic, you can just say "think anymore on the subject,". Also, be sure to watch which tense you're in. It should be "or not she'd wake up".

"as she lied her head down on"
Here, the past tense of "lie", as in, "I think I'm going to lie down." is "lay". "As I lay down for a nap, I was assaulted by the muffinkin berserkers."

"show boating pony"
This should be "showboating pony".

"initiate to this new world"
Here, it should be "initiate in this new world".

That about does it. I would've posted this last night but my PC went to tartarus in a hoofbasket and I had to troubleshoot it for like 5 hours. Fortunately firefox saved all my text and I didn't have to rewrite everything!

Still loving the story, of course, so keep em coming!

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

Bloody hell, that's a lot of corrections!

Thanks for proof reading my stuff. :twilightsheepish:

I shall make corrections right away.

Woo! Moar! :yay:

Two things I noticed.

Celestia…was it-was it was

I think either the first or last "was" is a typo.

what he'd just said

This should be "she'd" since it's referring to Terra.

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

-Blinks-

Honestly thought this was a Nasuverse Crossover for a moment.

~With regards, the Current Student of the Second True Magic.

I hope you're enjoying the story so far, but if I may ask, what is a Nasuverse Crossover? :derpyderp1: 1987897

1999585

As in, a Crossover with the Nasuverse, or one of the works therein. Like Fate/Stay Night, Tsukihime, or Fate/Zero.

True Magics in that universe have been reduced to only five remaining articles, The First, Second, Third, Fourth, and Fifth True Magics, each possessing a different Dominion and Name.

The Second True Magic is known as Kaleidoscope, Domain of the Opperation of Parallel Worlds.

Huh, well, you learn something new everyday. :ajsmug: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy future chapters. :pinkiehappy: 1999813

" her speech was stopped suddenly as a load howl "
I believe you meant loud howl? lol

The build up seems decent enough and the never ending flow of paragraphs seem to be detailed enough to want me to continue reading but as far as syntax and grammar, i'm not an editor so i'm gonna assume you have one since i do not see any major mistakes in this, and the only thing that puts me off is just the sheer amount of paragraphs, i'm not an author so i don't know how you could avoid that but i would suggest at least a little more inner monologue to balance out all the details you have, just more "dialogue" that Trixie has with herself would be fine.

1241179 i love your profile pick, catbug is adorable, we should be friends and have soft tacos

2397465 You're my friend nauw. We're gonna have soft tacos for dinner!

I see the difference made from the first chapter and this one and i'm intrigued by the character Magus, like that there is more dialogue as well and i am going to keep reading.

Comment posted by CodeMonkey deleted Apr 12th, 2013
Comment posted by CodeMonkey deleted Apr 12th, 2013

2411931
Yeah sorry about the misspelling. :derpytongue2: This was before I got an editor. Lord knows I needed one. :twilightblush:

I couldn't really work around the large paragraphs too much because it is just her. I suppose I could have added more thoughts and such, but I just couldn't figure out any dialogue that would work. Glad you're liking the story so far and their is a lot more to Magus than meets the eye. :raritywink:

2590725
Glad you enjoyed it.
It was a lot of fun to write. :raritywink:

*Reads title*

Oh dear Faust, Necromancers from "The Dresden Files" universe have invaded Equestria! :pinkiegasp:

...

That is what you're going for, right? Right? :rainbowhuh:

2693110
Um, yeah sure, of course, what else would it be........:rainbowderp:
...
Wasn't exactly my intention. :twilightblush:
Cool idea though. I'll have to check out that book series sometime.
Although, that's not to say that their won't be any kind of necromancy, raising of the dead, or zombie pony's in this story. *wink* *wink* -I mean- :raritywink: :raritywink:

2693110 Ah, i love the Dresden files, though if you are interested, I do have a link to a crossover story with that in mind. But this story is unique in its own, pure imagination and inspiration of the author with guidance from friends and editor and critic. if you haven't read the other chapters then i suggest you peruse through those, if you have read them then i hope you are intrigued by the story as much as i am :twilightsmile:

2700147
...err, what? First you offer a link to a crossover fic, next you call it an original work, and then you imply it is a sequel to a fic you did not offer a link to? And to top it off, you never actually posted the link.

...what are you smoking, and where can I get some. :twilightoops: Seriously, that post makes less sense every time I read it. Care to try again?

2695992
And since I'm replying to folks, let me just say this. "Dead Beat" was the only time I have ever heard the term True Magic, and it was referencing Necromancy (, and the ones calling it that were the bad guys, of course). I look forward to actually reading this fic at some point, just to see where you go with your standing concept.

2700295 here is the link to the Dresden Filies crossover fic http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8657/the-dresden-fillies-strange-friends
and what i was talking about being an original work is this story, True magic, the one we are commenting on as of the moment, i hope this clarifies things now :twilightblush:

2702174
:facehoof: I am already reading "The Dresden Fillies". I thought you were specifically talking about a villain incursion from the Dresden universe. *Walks away shaking his head*

2702174
Thanks for the compliment and the support my friend. It really helps a lot. :twilightsmile:

2700346
Thanks, I'm glad you're interested. :pinkiehappy:
I've heard True Magic used a few times. Most notably in the dark ambiance (for lack of a better word) song "Abracadabra" by Nox Arcana. Good track. Very inspirational when writing this.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :twilightsmile:

This is really good. I hope your able to continue the good work.:scootangel:

2717711
Thank you so much! :pinkiehappy:
And I can assure you that I fully intend to continue and finish this. With any luck, I can be done with this before the end of the year. Hopefully...:twilightblush:

Hm.

Hm hm hm. This is quite interesting. I do believe you have my interest.

But, can you get my attention?

~Skeeter The Lurker

Yep. You have my attention.

I'll be tracking this one.

~Skeeter The Lurker

2906053
Thanks so much. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :twilightsmile:

i49.photobucket.com/albums/f273/Cristian619/Misc%2010/Im-watching-you-memef.jpg

Nah, but seriously, continue this and never dare to abandon it. I'm afraid I have fallen, yet again, for awesome but unfinished stories. This is amazing work, and I would like to see it finished.

2930053
My friend, I can assure you that I will NEVER stop writing until this is done! I'm almost half way through, no way I'm stopping here, especially when I haven't even written my favorite part yet. Well, parts yet. :raritywink:
I really hope to be done before the end of the year. But it is brilliant to hear the words "amazing" and "work" being directed to this, thanks so much. :pinkiehappy:
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to typing until my fingers bleed...again.

You are a pirate wielding soul edge (soul caliber) riding butt stallion( borderlands 2) wearing winterized t-51b power armor(fallout 3).

You are a literary god smiting your enemies with the written word.

Excellent chapter. Trixie is finally starting on her magic lessons. Keep up the good work, my friend. This story is just getting better and better.

3309789
Thanks so much, even though I'm still kicking myself for not getting to the lessons sooner. :twilightsheepish:

3152582
Well, better late than never to answer two epically worded comments I suppose. :twilightblush:
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR BAD@$$ COMMENTS!! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO FINISH BENCH PRESSING THIS DRAGON BEFORE I PUNCH HANDSOME JACK IN THE DICK!! ...EXPLOSIONS!!!

I just found this story and I'm loving it so far... but I have one question... was the west wing thing a reference to beauty and the beast??? :trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright: ..... :facehoof:

3351183
:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:I must've laughed for a straight minute in sheer amazement that you actually caught one of the most obscure references in this story! When I wrote that scene, I could only thing of that movie. Bravo and hats off to you. :moustache:

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