• Member Since 4th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 12th, 2021

Bazing


T

After the defeat of Shan Bu, the Forsaken Varik Drabor, a Knight of the Ebon Blade, and Soldier of the Horde, gets sent to Equestria. During his stay in Equestria, he is in constant conflict with himself, one side tries to redeem himself for his past atrocities, the countless innocent he has slain, the many Alliance members he has killed during the pointless War that destroys Azeroth. While the other seeks to use the Equestrians as allies in the war against the Alliance. Only time will tell which he chooses.

While Varik Drabor is seeking a way back to Azeroth, he may get more then he asked for, with the constant annoyance of 6 Ponies in particular, Varik may discover what it means to have true friends... or maybe he won't...

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 35 )

The irony of a Forsaken condemning people for killing innocents is absolutely hilarious. Especially hilarious, given that Sylvanas bullied Lor'themar into sending forces to Northrend, and that the Horde has been purposely antagonizing the Alliance from vanilla all the way till MoP.

2482502 Haha yeah no shit, but my character isn't some mindless Peon, I have feelings you know.

I dislike killing innocent people after what happened with the Lich King

Why not do both
Befriend them and also kill them

2651502 coss that's fucked up...

2651506
Well he could befriend the important ponies and secretly kill of ponies that piss him off

2651509 nah, I have something else in mind >:)

I think he should befriend MOST of the ponies... Maybe kill a few annoying ones like Diamond Tiara...:pinkiecrazy:

World of Warcraft. No fucking clue what's going on here. Most I played was burning crusade. Stopped paying after that.:ajbemused:

2899732 haha, it's a great game, but yeah, like 3 expansions behind

2899738Burning Crusade, Wrath of the Lich King, and Mists of Pandaria if I remember correctly. Though I can't help but feel like I'm missing one... But I did play it. For like two~three weeks. Got a lvl 62 human warlock, then I discovered MLP fanfiction. Yeah, stopped paying after that.

I don't really get why the Death Knight would kill the blood elves just like that. Celestia dispersed the portal, his chance to get home, for pretty much no reason, and when two of his allies come to rescue him they go on a rampage because the ponies decided to hold him captive for something the princess brought upon herself.

But no. We get 'oh, you destroyed my only chance to get home and then kept me prisoner; but I'm just gonna kill two of my allies and become best friends with you because ponies! Yaaay!'
:pinkiesick:

Expect a review of the story accordingly.

2899841 you will see later. Later chapters I mean...
But dw, later chapters will explain my intensions >:)

2899846 Well this I really want to hear. Seriously though, I hope you really have a good explanation for all the things that has occured. Because a lot of it doesn't make any sense to me.

2899884 how my story is set out, will surprise you greatly xD

Alright. Time for the promised reivew - one for each chapter:
(Warning: I can be very destructive, even if it's not my intention - and lazy)

Well, I suppose I can begin with how the story is set.

Writing directly off the dialogue in the game can be considered a double-edged sword, though most authors really immerse the character of interest into the events in a really intense and exciting manner while still having some pieces of the original dialogue present - needless to say, it's good when it's done right; but in this story's case it's pretty much a direct copy of the event with minor involvement from the main character (granted, you do make up for this in later chapters, but only because the story is about him and it should be about him). And the parts where we really do witness the MC involvement is redundant at best. It's pretty much just the protagonist listing up numerous abilities he's using on who and what he's fighting.

A particular issue about that that I really frown upon is the fact that you straight up explain what the ability does; sure, that's alright in some rare cases, but there's no elaborate details (actually, there is too specific detail in the wrong places at the wrong time) or thorough description of the fight itself. Like the part where you listed the 'Blood Shield' (passive) ability:

a sphere of a holographic blood surrounds my body, absorbing a total of 100,000 physical damage.

I practically yelled out "COME ON!" when I read that.

Instead of just bluntly listing up an ability and directly stating the exact thing it does in the game you should immerse the character in the fight. What you do is telling us what's happening and not 'showing it. (see Sparklight's Show vs. Tell for more detail). If this is how you're 'comfortable' writing, however, you should keep in mind that how you personally like write sometimes conflicts with the reader's enjoyment; fair enough when it's only 2-3 (depending on the number of people that read) but in a lot of cases there's a lot more than that.

Another example of how you're 'telling' us what's happening is the pictures. Don't be lazy; describe what people look like instead of showing pictures.

Anyway, that's my review of chapter one. I don't really have much to say about it because the protagonist (which should be the main focus of the story) is barely involved here other than a repetitive narrative.

Unless you want me to stop reviewing, see you in chapter 2.


By the way:

"They killed my husband!" one of the humans next to her says.

That was Vereesa Windrunner, leader of the Silver Coventant and Jaina's Right Hand (and archbitch that I hope dies horribly at some point in the near future).
EDIT: And she's an elf.

2907879 Thanks man, will keep all that in mind. Will also change the last part about the elf. :) Dw I don't mind some feed back, helps me write better xD

2908840 Goodie. Authors welcome to criticism always makes the job easier.

2911265 That moment when I wanna quote your picture xD

Okay. I'm gonna critique and review this while I'm reading, as I do with most stories I read.

There are many formatting errors, such as misused commas, lack of paragraphing where needed, places where commas are needed, and some other things. I can't really put anything more than what Alex has reviewed. So far, chapter 1 is drab and dull. It feels more like reading an instruction manual than a story. It needs more description, and less showing, matter-of-fact writing style. That, and it really needs a good clean-up of grammar and formatting.

I'm not gonna thumbs up, down, fave or bash it just yet. Gonna read the rest of the story first before I do anything like that.

Don't be disheartened, though. Just read other stories and always look through this site's writing guide for further tips and helps. Also, join The Writer's Group and try and get feedback from the members there. All these things has helped me to great effect.

Now, onto chapter 2... :twilightsmile:

3318976 All chilled man, I don't write that much and I could use an editor lol

For someone who seeks redemption for killing innocents, he's certainly quite a dick. :ajbemused:

First he attacks the bear cuz it might scratch his armor, then he scares Fluttershy with a skeletal warhorse. And then he asphyxiates Twilight, all the while acting superior despite getting his rotting ass handed to him a chapter ago.

The story feels disjointed in its approach, especially the relationship between Varik and Celestia. Varik kills two guards, two blood elves, attacks a bear, scares Fluttershy, and harms her faithful student, and does very little or shows very little care at some points.

It's... hard to be emerged in this story. I would honestly suggest a rewrite, or at least going back and making these discrepancies less so. Iunno how you would do that, though.

But I have faith. I hope the next chapter becomes more straight-forward.

Summon Army of the Dead.
Unleash Army on Ponyville.
???
Profit.:raritywink:

My opinion in regards to this Fic if conflicted, from one point of view it has a lot of potential but the execution of said potential is well… wasting it.

3319074 It's only a few chapters in, next chapter will be better

3319261 I was planning on using AoD eventually

The only thing that ever aggravates me is when they attack the main character and he is intently blamed but good story nonetheless.

3412474 yeah I know, it'll get better just wait

3319074 I forgot when this was written, I know it's been a while since I last uploaded. I'm writing the next chapter now, hope you enjoy it more :)

The picture says he's human. Did you not say he was forsaken?

Sorry Tia but it's your fault for the guards death. If you didn't close the portal then they would still be alive. I give you a slow applaud.
*clap*... *clap*... *clap*

7140014 You mean the cover art? That's a Forsaken dude.

Edit: Oh you mean in the authors note of first chapter. Yeah sorry man, I wrote this ages ago so it's probably shit. Also on that note, I probably won't be continuing this until my Embodiment of Rage story is finished.

Awesome chapters. you are doing a amazing job. I can't wait to read the next chapter. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

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