In the grim darkness of the 41 millennium, there is only war. War, and Friendship.
When the Ruinous Powers of the Warhammer 40,000 universe take an intrest in Equestria, you know nothing good is going to come out of it. When Celestia is struck down by an agent of Tzeentch, the land of Equestria will soon find itself locked in combat with it's own denizens as Chaos itself begins to corrupt the land. Discord was difficult enough, but now our little ponies will have to face four gods of chaos at the same time.
A (Comedic/Dark/Adventurous) Warhammer 40,000 and Friendship is Magic crossover. Here be fanon, canon, and headcanon of both series.
Chapters (5)
By Corax, Equestria could use sone help, the Ruinous Powers are no laughing matter!
(In all seriousness, this is awesome)
53612 Why thank you kind sir. Is there anythin specific you found hilarious?
Khorne: The very embodiment of anti-brony.
I would have expected the Gods to be less informal, but otherwise, good job.
Pure awesome, let's see wha- wait who put that baneblade inside the library?
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
this was unbelievably awesome
53777
Very well then.
As for Khorne: remember that alot of bronies were once like him, and some of those people became some of the most devote fans to the show. We'll see what happens with Khorne
As for the Informalities between the gods, I'm running off of 40k fandom as best as I can, and there's also the fact that they all hate each other.
53835
"So I was just minding my own buisness, reading a book, when I go to turn to page, my book is a frakking Baneblade!"
"Oh my, that must have been the work of a Tactical Geniu-."
"CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!"
54409
Hahaha! I actualy look back on it and realize, that scene with Tzeentch showing the other Gods Equestria is just like a friend showing his friends FiM for the first time.
SPESS MEHRENS!
Been reading 1d4chan now have we?
54834
Where do you think I'M getting the fanon on the gods to write them in?
Seriously, 53635, I'd love to see how Ponies react to the Imperium, the Tau, or hey, maybe even some of everyone's favorite Space Football Morons with Guns!
54954
While they won't meet any of the races except Chaos, I can assure you that Gork and Mork shall channel orkiness through a certain pony.
54982 Just remember, once you get past the whole "slaughters everything in sight" thing, Kharn's a really great guy!
54991
You say that like I dont know that!
Khan is a hell of a nice guy.
OMG! i laughed so much i have decided to book mark this story! this is great roadpony keep it up, and also i like the cover art, will the sphess mahrins come to Equestria and do battle with chaos in the name of friendship? or just Exterminatus and be on there way? i hope the former..... without the friendship part
finally, and nice rules for night guards.
flutterrage:WE ARE THE STORM! WE ARE THE FURY!
1.Kaldor Draigo- Supreme Grand Master of the Grey Knights.
2.Grey Knights Brother-Captain Stern, a renowned Daemonhunter who first encountered anlong defeating M'Kachan (or M'Kachen) who is amongst the most cunning and devious of all Lord of Change of Tzeentch's servants, THREE FRAAAKKKINGSSSS TIMES!!!!!!!!! LOLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How U LiKE TheMMM APPLESSSSSS.
---Review----
Finally an Update that surely is impressive and awe-inspiring even for the long wait that I daresay the next one is going to be a Reading Feast to behold without a doubt. Due it begs the question if ever the Imperium or even maybe the Emperor is willing to help even in his Life/Death state(Never Hurts to Ask) towards the Royal Sisters since Celestia did manage one time meet him before HE was instated upon the Golden Throne, for a plan would have been conceive to challenge the Great Four Chaos Gods. Still this conspiracy theory would have stem from when the Sun Goddess Mention the whole "Secret Compartment" that would held a grain of truth that such a contingency would have been thought out and would have been use just encase along with whole no Allies and having never experience dealing with Daemon, let alone Fighting them.
Also nice reference to Polymorph/ rather Polymorphine here you mention Twilight was trying to create, due now I can't stop imaging IMAGINING either Pinkie Pie, RD or even Octavia being Callidus Assassins who specialist in trickery, deception, deceit, infiltration and impersonation through the use of the Drug LOL.
----Critique---
Ignoring the little grammar errors aside this Fic was certainly is well written and thought out that surely it would have garnered much attention along with having such many followers than this, due it could have been better if you did added some spacing as to not make it jumble.
+++Words of Absolution++++
"I have at my command an entire battle group of the Imperial Guard. Fifty regiments, including specialized drop troops, stealthers, mechanized formations, armored companies, combat engineers and mobile artillery. Over half a million fighting men and thirty thousand tanks and artillery pieces are mine to command. Emperor show mercy to the fool that stands against me, for I shall not."
— Warmaster Demetrius, at the outset of the Salonika Crusade, 733.M38 +++
161412
DO NOT MENTION DRAIGO'S NAME! HE IS A STAIN ON THE GREY KNIGHTS NAME AND A MASSIVE SYMBOL OF MATT WARD'S FUCKWADERY!!!
[/Endrant]
Apologies, I fall into a fit of Rage whenever I hear about something from the new Grey Knights codex (so much fluff violation) that isn't Castellan Crowe. (Seriously, that guy is awesome.) Stern slipped my mind though: let's just write it off as daemonic egotism.
As for the editing errors, I did point outthat I was going to fix them later when I had the time: I posted this the night before midterms, and my editor said fixing them up later would be fine.
And sadly, only Chaos and two other things are dropping in from the 40Kverse.
As for the Polymorh Draught, that was more of a Harry Potter ref: I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT POLYMORPHINE. Speaking of, this chapter is chock full of refrences, can you find them all? As for Celestia's secret compartment: well why wouldn't she have a contingency for Chaos?
I'd be surprised if Tzeentch did not have knowledge of Equestria's native Spirit of Chaos, i.e. Discord.
161636
Oh, I'm fairly certain they know each other...
161833 they may know each other, but you cannot deny that discord is without a doubt, the second most benevolent god of chaos ever, the most being Sheogorath
163876
Because I haven't played fantasy.
Also NO! MATT WARD IS WORST PONY!!
Glad to see you're getting positive feedback, RoadPony. And stop feeding the gibbon troll.
167500
Why do you think I didn't answer his next reply?
163808
Benevolent? Have you lost your marbles?! Discord Is far from benevolent, and Shegorath had the player character make a peaceful town believe that the apocalypse was comming. While the last sign was hillarious, it was certainly not the work of a benvolent god.
Both Discord and Shegorath may be affibly evil (and entertaining as hell) but benevolent they are not.
They're certainly nicer about their malicious deeds than Tzeentch though, he's just a jerk sammich covered in jerk sauce.
Vicious Luna vs. Daemon ham to ham combat. I can almost hear them munchin' away at the scenery. I believe I've gone deaf...
Now that that's out of the way, it's a fairly good story. Please continue.
183228
Glad that you enjoyed that scene: ham to ham combat is something I have so much fun writting. You can expect plenty more.
Looks good. The Early Modern Equestrian near the end needs a little work, but aside from that, the plot is progressing nicely. My only significant complaint is that you ended on something of a lull. It's a natural point to end, yes, but it doesn't establish much anticipation for the next chapter. At least, not as much as something about the first moves of the forces of Chaos.
You've done well, my young apprentice.
Oh god, the references.
The references.
248019
CHALLENGE MODE: NAME THEM ALL IN ONE GO.
249350
I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE.
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
Actually I wont D:
249440
Oh god I fell over laughing when I read that. The Chaplain was delightfully hammy in Dawn of War
Are you going to write a chapter on how Tzeentch found Equestria 500 years ago and how Celestia came in contact with the Emperor himself I would find that pretty awesome
250336
I may devote a segment of a chapter to that very thing, but let's cross that bridge when we get there.
If I may ask for your overall opinion on the fic?
250336
Quite enjoyed it
But will there be only Chaos or will you add any other races of the Warhammer 40k universe?
Cause Im not sure if the Ponies can handle all 4 Chaos gods by themselves
But I dont know what kind of plan Celestia has so i'll just let myself get surprised
250221
You call instantly killing a Bloodthirster in melee hammy?
It was...
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTs1jqbprTychS1gtTDtBwwnHyMGwtUyGmJabKNiKbWENSpjdJpig
250767
Well the other races are going to be mainly left out: but elements of them will show. I'm taking the Shinji and Warhammer 40k (a huge inspiration mind you) route of crossing over.
Not a bad little read you've got here yourself, Roadpony. Here's my thoughts:
In the first chapter, I feel like your presentation of the mane cast is a little thin. You rely a lot on having them say thing's I've already heard them say, or obvious variations of such. Dialogue is always tricky, but maybe try thinking of a few different ways for a character to . It's nothing worth going back and changing, but it was something I noticed.
I really liked the parts with the Ruinous Powers. I haven't been to /tg/ for a while, but their 1d4chan shenanigans were still hilarious to me. There was one specific problem I found:
lolwut?
"Nurgle was by far the most patient of the Chaos Gods; only Tzeentch had more patience,"
As others have said, the fight in the second chapter got kinda hammy, but the action overall flowed fairly well. Just try to go a little easier on the unique typesets for characters. I know they are all supposed to mean something, but it loses its weight when almost every line of dialogue is either in bold, italic, underlined, in caps or a combination of any of the above. It distracts a little from what they're actually saying.
All in all, though, it's a very enjoyable story. Keep it up.
279745
Inquispony Stallius commented on my fic... And enjoyed reading it...
*inhale*
*RDfangirlsqueal*
Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!! Stallius likes my fanfic!
Well now that I got that out of the way:
Dialog has never been my strong point, I'm still working on improving my skills with that. Suggestions to help me overcome this would be appriciated. As for the bold/italicizing/underlining, that is a habit of mine. I feel when someone sees the bolded text, they know someone's shouting. I'll be sure to fix this in the future.
As for the thing with Nurgle, Looking back I realize that line was very derp.
Thank you so much for the critique.
280370
I didn't know I was a big enough deal to deserve of any manner of squeal. I'll try not to let it go to my head. Especially since, going by just the stats, I'd say yours is the more popular story.
Dialogue gets everyone. It's a little trickier with established characters, since readers are more sensitive to whether or not they "sound" like the characters they know and love. It's one of the reasons I prefer writing an OC cast, as I can't be wrong interpreting a character I made up. I can be bad at it, but I can't be wrong. Sounding "out of character" is bad for the reader's suspension of disbelief (in one story, when Fluttershy's first appearance was to yell and curse like a drill sergeant, I just closed the window on the spot), but sticking too close to a few of the character's defining traits is bad too. A couple times, I felt this uncanny valley where the mane 6 sounded a little like robots programmed to say exactly what we fans expect them to say.
I skip around a bit composing critiques, so I'll finish my sentence from the last post: "Maybe try thinking of a few different ways for a character to phrase what they say, that're still appropriate for the character." Basically brainstorm, I guess. Maybe watch a few clips of the characters in different moods, to get a general idea of what the whole character is like, rather than the first (most stereotypical) thing you think of when you imagine them. I get a little disappointed when someone writes about how much Pinkie Pie likes to throw parties and doesn't really explore any deeper. Bronies so often espouse how well-developed the characters are, and then many fanfic writers (not you specifically, but in general) fail to account for their flaws and motivations. You know, the developed, interesting part.
The type-facing isn't a huge deal. It's just the sort of thing I sort of associate with less experienced writers. I've observed that it's a good practice to briefly describe what the voice sounds like alongside the change in text, and to apply such changes only sparingly. Exclamation points (exactly one at a time) usually get across the fact that someone is yelling, so you can save caps and bold for special occasions. That said, all caps is probably bad form for anything longer than a short sentence, if ever at all. It seems to work fine for Khorne and friends, though. I don't know why. I think bold really only comes into play when you want to show the voice is amplified somehow, via Royal Canterlot Voice, or a megaphone or something. And italics can mean almost anything, so those almost always require a description. Like Slaanesh speaks in italics, but I have no idea why.
These are all just my opinions, so take and leave what you like. I'm not a professor of literature or anything, but when I read, I try to pay attention to what I like and analyze why. Hopefully, I'm not being too hard on you. After all, I only critique the stories I like, so I can like them even more in the future.
Thought for the Day: Abhor the Everfree and its mutants, for they defy Ponykind's rightful dominion over all of nature.
280950
Well you were one of the guys who inspired me to do this, so it's kinda big that you enjoyed this.
Yeah, I need to work on making them sound a bit more lifelike. I'll keep on trying it.
On the topic of Slaanesh going with Italics, I was trying to get away with a tempting voice, considering he/she/it/whatever IS the Chaos God of Pleasure and sensation. Guess I should have made that clear in the fiction.
Anyway, once again, thank you for offering your critique. It's very refreshing to get some.
Holy shit, why the fuck didn't I read this sooner!?
Awsome story bro!
434127
You didn't read it because you didn't see it till you read it.
I probably shouldn't post this until my editor has looked over it, but I've kept you guys waiting too long. Enjoy, and edits will be made as they are found.
Discords reaction should be.........interesting.
Twilight's cutie mark is a six-pointed star.
"power flowing through her limps." All will fear the Sprained and Immobile Ankles of Trixie!
Great conclusion. Other than those two quibbles and a few minor syntax issues, it looks A-OK. Looking forward to more, my friend.
Bears of Harmony
...most hilarious typo ever
also very funny chapter, does need editing though, keep up the good work
602110
How in hell did we miss that? XD
Anyway, edits have been made.
Oh sweet hot dog! I can't wait to see what the other Gods of Chaos have in store for the Ponies!