• Member Since 13th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 4th, 2014

Turkleson


E
Source

While mildly envious of Twilight Sparkle's ascension to Alicorn, Trixie notices a silver lining. With Twilight now being an Alicorn, the title for most powerful Unicorn remains up for grabs. Join everyponys "favorite" showmare as she sets off on a journey to truly become "Great and Powerful".

Chapters (10)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 86 )

Gilda, Lightning Dust, and Trixie?
Our favorite foils to Dash and Twilight!

Y1

Amusing, and it shows potential. That said, you got some serious grammar issues here, I highly recommend finding a pre reader. Also, you seriously need to remember that when it comes to dialogue, a new line to each speaker is essential. Do not have a more than one character speaking in the same paragraph. That is never a good idea.

Also, consider your pacing. This all feels a little rough around the edges.

2262967>>2262964

Agreed. Three of my favorite character tags shoved into one story. Must have more now!
That said. Yeah man, the formatting makes it difficult to read. At minimum, each new speaker needs a new line. Still, the story is good, so fix it and continue.

Good job. A fun, cool concept with awesome characters. A good, enjoyable read all-around. I like, I like.

Although, just as some constructive criticism, I would work on your tenses in editing. It's okay if it slips while you're writing the first draft, but it's something you have to keep constant.
i.e. "Gilda the Griffon was a gruff and potentially unpleasant individual to say the least. For those who stay on her good side, she is a considerable asset."
Corrected as: "Gilda the Griffon was a gruff and potentially unpleasant individual to say the least. For those who stay on her good side, she was a considerable asset."

If you don't have an editor, I highly suggest you get one. It helps you grow as a writer to get the feedback, and it's always nice to work out as many kinks as possible before you put it out there. Trust me, it's awesome :)

That was cool. Looks like I read the post-edit version. Had a similar idea myself,:raritycry: but you're going in very different direction from the look of it. I will be stalking tracking you. :raritywink:

Hooray. That was much better and readable. Now Trixie and Glida are free to trash more things. :yay:

Y1

Now that was much better, much more legible. That said, there are lingering grammar and prose issues that should be worked on. The prose issues will go away with time as you develop as a writer, but the grammar is easily fixed with the inclusion of a pre reader. Really, you should get yourself a pre reader. This is your first story, so it's bound to be flawed in a lot of ways, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't find yourself a real grammar nazi to help with the nitty gritty of the english language. Try to find one before you get too much further into the story.

And this would be the last time Trixie would have to see it again.

There's something wrong with this sentence. I'm only pretty sure it's the "again." :twilightsheepish:

“You know, they try and make up important rules for friendship” Gilda said. “But a true friend let their friend break their loser boss’ legs.”

This sentence, however, is perfect in every way. :twilightsmile:

This was really good, I like the friendship of Trixie and Gilda already with Gilda as the "straight-man" to Trixie's antics. You could've named Trixie's boss Sethisto with how he's obsessed with her. :derpytongue2: Thumbs up if you get the joke.

I like this better as it goes on. This chapter was really funny.

:moustache: :moustache:

Y1

I like that Trixie is slightly deranged. It's amusing and adds a touch of ambiguity to her quest, because we know that Trixie doesn't really understand the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' deal just yet. I hope that's going to be part of her character arc, and we get to see more of Trixie's less than legal escapades before this is through.

Nice, keep up the good work.

I'm really enjoying this story, but for whatever reason, new chapters do not show up in my favorites.

Good, so far. A lot better than my first fic, man I had to deprive the internet of my junk.:facehoof:

Sweet. Let the madness continue.

I think this is the first fic I have seen with Sunset Shimmer in it.

Yay! Off to adventure. Take that Mane 6! Gilda and Trixie don't need to you. They can commit grand theft whenever they like.

pause read:

Trixie plopped onto the futon breathing a sigh of relief. “That was a close one.” She looked over to her feathered friend putting down the books that were causing a strain on her back.
“So” the Griffon said while stretching her sore sections “I guess we’re robbing libraries now”

This didn't format correctly... need to make sure the extra line appears.

Also, one of your question marks came up as a slash /

finish read:

Trixie with more tricks. Me Gusta.

Time for Trixie and Gilda to become badass adventreurs

This is so fun. I'm really loving you're slightly insane Trixie and her shenanigans, and I can't wait for LD to make an appearance.

I'm having the same problem as some others though, no notifications when this updates. Maybe you should tell Knighty or something.

2327082 How would i do that? Still kind of new to all this.

2328618 PM her, but make sure it's polite. She/He must get a ton of technical complaints (and is only doing this as a hobby) but if no one is made aware nothing can be done,you know?

Go to FAQ then... I forget but it's easy from there.

I'm liking this story so far. The chemistry between Gilda and Trixie is great, the humour is fantastic, and there's a lot of good ways this tale can go from here. The prose is solid, but the technical bits could use some work - grammar and spelling are still a problem.

Want a proofreader?

2336201 If you're offering that would be fantastic :yay:

2336470 Sure! :twilightsmile: Either send me chapters before publishing, or I can send you corrections after you publish. Up to you. I can also go back and correct the existing chapters, if you want. (I'm just making sure I won't be wasting my time, which has happened before when authors just ignored me completely. In those cases, I didn't ask first, which is why I'm asking now.)

2336542 If you want to try and correct my pre-existing chapters then feel free to and PM me the results. In turn, I will send you upcoming chapters before I publish them.

wwwwaaaitt your going to make a soft raching....????? idk anymore

This storry is gold two of my favorite Mlp characters going on adventure this is just perfect.

Discord, couldn´t you at least pretend there is a fourth wall?

Discord, what did I told you about breaking the 4th wall? :ajbemused:

Dammit Discord STOP HELPING!

Also, a certain cyan pegasus finally makes her entrance...

Excellent all around!

This makes me smile.:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2:

Finally the Lightning Dust tag makes sense.

Oh yes! Another chapter! *Goes and downloads*

Wonder what town they are heading to. And I find LIghtning Dust's explanation of the dragon rather suspicious.

Is always good to see some Lightning Dust. Nice chapter.

This story literally just showed up in my favorites. I faved Chapter 2 when you published it and didn't see it again until now. Stupid bugs. The silver lining is that I got a destiny-flavored steak from all this missing chapters.

Heh heh heh heh! Man, Trixie and Gilda sure stir up a lot of trouble in a week. Gilda beating up a few ponies, Stealing library books, and Trixie pulling a fast one on her old boss Penny Pincher.:rainbowlaugh: And the only good thing that happened was that Trixie befriended a new mare and she and Gilda heading out in the world full of adventures.:twilightsmile:

2420321 I somewhat agree. It's either that Lighting Dust came across it's territory or she did something that made the dragon came after her.:trixieshiftleft:

"I will punch you in the horn."
Ghost scaring the neighbor.
I like where this is going.

A late filler update is better than no update at all. I feel your pain buddy.

Y1

Your whole chapter is in italics. think you missed an somewhere there.

Wait, never mind.

That was Awesome!:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::moustache:

Thank you so much for putting this in the great and not obsessive Trixie I love this story and love already How trixie acts and behaves especially with Gilda

Ha poor gilda:rainbowlaugh: well good chapter got me to laugh love it so far four stars defiantly going to read this to the end

For what its worth this is really funny a bit to short in my mind but still very nice overall

Please tell me ss and trix are just friends

Well I was going to say that trixie was too good in my review of chapter 1, but now I have to say trixie is entertaining by chapter five.

It is sad to say that I can totally see them meeting a six foot tall talking chicken

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!