• Member Since 16th Oct, 2019
  • offline last seen 12 minutes ago

JinxTJL


Don’t gaze upon my shame

T
Source

Ever since he was a foal, Light Flow had always known he was destined to be a villain. But not just any villain. He wanted to be a Necromancer.

He was obsessed with reading fiction stories about the forbidden practice of Necromancy, and much to his delight, his cutie mark spelled his unavoidable destiny as a member of his oh-so revered profession!

But Necromancy is extremely taboo, and very illegal. Equestria hadn't even seen a real Necromancer since the times of the fabled Nightmare Moon.

Light Flow had only one thought on his mind when his brand-new cutie mark flashed into existence on his butt.

"I should probably be happier right about now."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN

Well here it is. My first story. I write a bit, and read quite a bit more, but I had never tried to write an actual story before. So, while playing around on AI Dungeon, I decided: "Well I'm already basically writing an entire story here. Why not edit it a bit and publish it somewhere?" And now here we are.

I've always loved necromancy. The very idea has always been incredibly alluring to me. But the only good necromancy story I've ever read was Necromancy for Foals. you should check that out by the way So I tried my hand at writing my own. After all, you should be the change you want to see in the world, right?

My writing flow is very janky, I don't know how to use punctuation, and I can't establish scenes very well. So if you're looking for an amateurish power-fantasy story featuring a badly-written protagonist with no depth; then look no further!

Also i'm an idiot who probably tagged wrong.

Also i'm a bad person who stole a Jargon Scott image for the cover.

Chapters (18)
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Comments ( 164 )

A for effort bucko. Dont give up. If you keep trying I'm sure you'll make fantastic things.

Oh and I would argue that this story and this story are good fics about necromancy. Though I might be biased on that second one. XD

We all must start somewhere. I've got the literary talent of a squid in the middle of an epileptic fit so you are years ahead of me. Definitely keep at it and don't be afraid to find prereaders and/or an editor. Given how many authors swear at by them I suspect there might be something to the practice.

10756583
Might I add Mortem: The Last Necromancer to that list?

I'd say as far as writing quality goes, you are pretty average. Which for a new author, is quite good. Keep it up. With some added flair from scenic descriptions, you'll be better than average. Go team!

10756604
Oh yeah that one was great!

10756583
I'll be honest, I didn't quite believe it when I saw a comment from you. I legitimately checked the page I was on, and refreshed it multiple times. I'm a big fan of "The First Law of Magic", and I still enjoy going back and reading little bits and pieces of it from time to time. "A for effort" may usually be kind of hollow praise, but from you?

I'll take any grade you give me! <3


I may have giggled like a little girl when I saw that profile pic

10756604
Thanks for the comment!

Yeah, I would try to find a prereader or an editor or something, but....

I'm a little shy when it comes to asking people for things, so it's not likely It'll happen anytime soon. I've been thinking of asking a friend of mine to read over it, but he doesn't even like MLP, so I don't think he'd do such a great job?

Anyway, thanks again for the comment, and for giving the story a read!

10756605
Pretty average is damn high praise for me and my low self-esteem! Thanks a ton!

Yeah, as you said, I have difficulty writing scenery. I have a hard time picturing surroundings in my head, so I knew going in that my scenery was going to be non-existent. When I read, I usually just make the scenery up in my head, and that sorta led to me neglecting any sort of skill when it comes to 'setting the scene' as they say...

Fun little story, I don't see why your seem to be so depreciative of your own writing. Looking forward to see where this leads Light toward in his quest to become a caring necromancer.

10757084
Hey thanks friend!

There's a reason why I always say my writing is crappy, and that's because it keeps me humble. If I always know that I have room to improve, and reasons to grow as a writer; then I won't ever become complacent. Of course, there's something to be said for taking pride in yourself, and I do that! I genuinely enjoy writing, and I'm always looking forward to writing the next chapter, because each chapter has been a rollercoaster for me from start to finish. The title's meaning changed from literal to ironic.

None of the chapters so far have gone the way I expected at all. But every time I sat down to metaphorically pen the story out, it's like it took on a life of its own. Light Flow has changed so much from the character I originally devised, it's incredible. I went into this expecting my character to be a plain douchy caricature, but I've really grown attached to him and his strange way of seeing the ponies around him.

Originally, I had just wanted to write about a cagey asshole who gets a lot of power and destroys his enemies, but I've changed my mind since then. My new main goal with this story is to create a deep, flawed character who has his triumphs, but also his mistakes. Especially his mistakes, because one day, someday; he's going to make a very grave one. that was a pun btw but it's not a joke though it's foreshadowing look out for that

I'll be honest, I wrote this comment more for myself more than I wrote it for you. Sorry about that. :twilightsheepish:

I was just going to write a generic thank you comment, and I sorta spiraled down a pit of confessions and internal reflection. You can probably disregard most of this comment, and just focus on the fact that I said thanks for the comment. So.... Thanks!

Pretty good on the points you wanted. Do keep in mind that when you create a scene, you need to invoke as many of the bodies senses as you can. (Without being too wordy or long winded) You did well with those here. -- Light Flow saw the shadows stretching out to him, smelled the iron of his bloody hallucination, felt the phantom pains, etc... The descriptions were solid.

As far as the gore scene goes, the descriptions there were vivid enough. My only point of improvement would be a critique on the perspective of it.

What I mean is this. The whole story is from Light Flow's perspective, so his thoughts and feelings should be a bit more obvious during the hallucination. I think you might benefit from adjusting the way you present his inner thoughts.

Try changing a font, making the thought sequences a different font color, or making them their own lines. That way they stick out more as a deviation from the "current moment".

Hope this is of some use to you. Feel free to tell me to piss off if you want. :twilightsheepish:

10758295
No no, I welcome any criticism! I need it, crave it even! Knowing how you screwed up is the only way to improve!

About what you suggested, I totally get all of it. I had meant to make it seem like he wasn't feeling any pain at all, since it wasn't really happening; but I screwed that up with a couple lines about him feeling pressure and stuff. The lack of thought was also supposed to imply that he was in a sort of daze, but It's not very clear or well-implemented, so.... All my fault! :rainbowlaugh:

Presentation has been something I've actively been struggling with actually. I started out by just using italics to highlight inner thought, but as the scope of my writing increased and I started branching out with viewpoints; it became harder to keep things together. I really need to establish hard rules on what kind of text is what, because I'm losing track. :twilightblush:

Thanks again for the comment and the feedback! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know what I did wrong. Don't ever be afraid to tell me why I'm dumb. It's a fact I'm well aware of!

Nice chapter I wonder what he believes happened back there. I wonder if his weird obsession with Necromancy will translate into something positive for him, I wouldn't be surprised his interest in anatomy from it might inspire him to become a doctor or something like that? I wonder if Zecora might swoop in and save and start teaching him alchemy, Celestia knows that won't help either of their reputations

10759529
Some interesting musings there! I'm glad I've created something interesting enough to speculate on!

I won't say anything plot-wise, so as to preserve the surprises I have planned; but Zecora will play a role. I'd be crazy not to include the show's titular shaman character in a story about a Necromancer. Obviously, she's not even living in the Everfree right now, since this chapter in particular takes place in 992 AB, which is a fancy way of saying it's eight years before Nightmare Moon returns. But someday, she and Light will meet.

not actually sure when zecora comes to ponyville but I assume it's a year or two before nmm or maybe she had only recently arrived in bridal gossip i dunno

Nice chapter looks like light actually got his wish come true, he is now a necromance, and got his cutie mark to boot. I hope he come up as a good explanation of what his open book with skull illustration to his parents, and school mates, I am betting he will try to pass it off as a specialty biology, or a affinity for horror writing. I hope hope his cuteisinara will be fun for him. I wonder if the illumination before entering the forest was a vision or some outside force planning to use him or guide him to the pegasus corps, and seeing that he was eaten by some plant there I wonder if there is some link also the controlling a timberwolf? I wonder if this will improve his disposition now that he is exactly what he wanted now and don't need to put up an act to become it and will start to mature a lit: not bloody likely I know. Now I wonder what will be his next goal and what will be his punishment for what he did last night. I also wonder who was that pegasus that he found and if we will see him again as one of his minion, I wonder what he would call him if he followed him home.

Also I am a little busy for a coming while, but if you are looking to commission a cover art for your story hit me up. Here is a speedpainting video of one of my works.

WM

I really like where you are going with this!

i like the problmes that cutiemarks can bring in equestria. like in this story and others some necromancers dont go from noraml magic talent to necromancy but have a pure necromancy talent. how will the world deal with that? i mean celestia and lunas talents are raising and lowering the moon and sun so do they outlaw anyone else who has that talent? do they force those with illegal talents to work for them or else? how does a system where you are ment to be proud and use your talent work when you have someone who has a talent and purpose that isnt allowed.
I mean it could also be that such talents only arise when needed like if celestia dies then another with the sun rising talent will apper eventualy?

10760390
Thanks for saying so, Friend!

10760471
The idea that some cutie marks are especially unique, and will only appear on one pony at one time is very interesting!

It's sort of like the idea of reincarnation, ensuring that certain cutie marks will always have places in the world.

It also introduces a sort of Cutie Mark Hierarchy, since naturally, some Cutie Marks are more important than others; and will therefore always eventually reappear in the world.

Thanks for the comment, and for the brain food!

10760377
Hey thanks for the comment!

Most of the topics you brought up will be addressed in future chapters, but I had forgotten about the idea of a cute-ceañera. I don't think it's gonna happen though. Light has a grand total of one friend, and that's Applejack: a pony he would adamantly deny having any connection to. It's possible his mother could set one up for him, but even if she did: it's very likely Light would outright refuse to go. He isn't one for social interaction, and Applejack is his only friend chiefly because she basically forced her way into his life.

Also, thanks for the offer of a commission, but unfortunately, I'm flat broke. :twilightsheepish:

Your art is very nice though. All the little details are especially really cool to look at, and I would definitely take you up on that offer if I had the money to do so.

Cutie Marks are a very prevalent symbol in pony society. This story honestly brings up something I wish would be brought up more.

Similar to how Cozy had a cutie mark in manipulation, Light somehow has gotten a cutie mark deemed 'bad' by pony society. The idea that a colt/filly could be shunned for a cutie mark they have no control over really rubs me the wrong way.

Or maybe I'm looking too much into it. Idk

note: manipulation is bad lol, not just in pony society

I'm very interested in seeing what happens now with Light Flow being able to see a Pony's soul/magic/whatever. Great work on these last two chapters!

10761572
While I love that idea, and would love to explore that theme in this story: I'm not sure I have the writing skills necessary to implement such a subtle topic while also telling the story I have planned.

The idea of writing a character trying to reshape the way ponies see special talents is incredibly alluring, but I just can't do it. I don't have the finesse to do it justice.

10761573
Thanks a ton!

Personally, I think my last two chapters have been scattered at best. I don't feel like they've had the same cohesion my other chapters have had, because I felt totally lost while writing them.

It was sort of like I was just throwing words at a page, instead of crafting a story.

I'm really hoping I do better from here on out, though I appreciate your enjoyment nonetheless. :twilightsheepish:

10761582
It's alright, practice makes perfect after all :eeyup:

10761582
if it gets too stressfull to try and write conflict then you could write it so that there is an obscure law that makes it so he can legaly practice his talent but must enrole in celestias school and be mentored that way by her. that way you could have him learn a bit more about necromancy from a sorce that proberbly saw some in the past and you could have celestia help him grow in ways that still make him as villen but allow him to understand that he doesnt need to be over the top.
just some thoughts. your doing good so far either way

10761778
That sounds like a bit of a cop-out, don't you think? :twilightsheepish:

And besides, I don't have a lot of trouble writing conflict, it's more that a plot thread about society and cutie marks would involve quite a bit of knowledge of educated theory on social dynamics and class structure. At least, for it to be any good.

Don't worry, there is conflict planned, but it's a bit more vanilla than commentary on pony society and underlying ostracization of specific groups.

Thank you for awesome story! Really looking forward to see what else you can give!

Well he seemed to be more mellowed out now at least with his ego swelled up, I wonder how he will go about exploring his new powers and if elderly ponies are going to be afraid of him

10761894
Thank you for the comment!

I'm also looking forward to seeing what I have to give! :pinkiehappy:

oh I have reached the latest chapter, that's surprising.
I like ware this going hope to see more.

10763175
"Uhhhhh" Doesn't tell me a lot about what you think of the chapter.

Care to expand on that thought? I'd love to hear what you have to say, be it positive or negative.

I can make some guesses based on the chapter you're on, but I'd still like to hear your thoughts on it.

Not bad story, but personally the descriptions with dead things more or less put me off. The premise is quite lighthearted and combining it with more macabre writing makes Light Flow seem more of mentally deranged pony than someone i would like to cheer for. Will read further though, a lot of good stories have bumps like that.

Just some thoughts about the matter.

I am a little worried of the part of the message that Light was referred to as an 'orphan' with implications with his mother. I would guess that Light will see one of these orbs inside a pony snuffed out right before his eyes and might actually make him rethink his desires to just become a evil villain, and may go to the more mundane life or be able to prolong life a little longer. I think going to a retirement would be enough for to share him out of his little horseshoes. On another possibility he could get haunted by a very chatty ghosts which would make his gift more of a curse. For the one who sent the book, it looks like he was more of a seer then a necromancer and decided to take a gamble, all be it cynically, sense his usual option of stemming the problem would likely only make it worst, with Light luck; through he would have survived it anyway. It also sounds like he could be part of the high ranking guard or wizard if he could have Light dispatched easily. I would guess that he could get along with Rarity more easily because she has her own focused interest in a goal for fashion over AJ's just accepting things as they go way. I would expect that Rarity had the good sense of removing all the goddy edgy villain decoration stuff that he asked for keeping it plain and unassuming and practical and simple or worst give him exactly what he wanted and more... I am sure he will like it either way.

I love anything with Necromancy in it, looking forward to more!

"My name is Rarity, darling . Would you be so kind as to grace me with your name, now that I have so graciously shared mine?

"I think I like her. I'm gonna have to ask somepony what her name is."

man this guy just ignores others with a passion the conversation was like 30-40 seconds.

10763371
Oh I am so happy you feel like that, you have no idea!

Well, sorry that the story put you off, but that was exactly the feeling I was going for!

Light Flow is supposed to come off as weird, and prickly, and he's absolutely meant to seem mentally deranged.

It should be obvious to anyone that there's something wrong with him. That there's a sort of disconnect between his thoughts and his actions.

I really am sorry that you've been put off, but it's not really going to get any better. It's sort of an important part of the story that's not going to go away anytime soon. In fact, it's going to get worse as time goes on.

I appreciate you trying to stick through it!

10763599
I'm happy someone picked up on that bad habit of his. :pinkiehappy:

It's honestly one of my favorite little quirks of his, and it's always really funny to write.

10763413
I always love seeing your comments.

It's an honest wonder to me that anyone would care enough about a story of mine to speculate about it. But here you are! Writing out a whole slew of predictions and hopes for the story.

I can't spoil anything too important, there would be no fun in that, but I can tell you that there's one small detail you picked up on that's very important.

I've also left enough clues to figure out who the writer of the note is, but that part's not too important.

I hope you're enjoying the story so far!

10763571
Thanks for saying so! I'm always happy to see someone else who enjoys that kind of stuff as much as I do!

10763735
Thanks I will try to be as insightful as I can.

Also I think I got who she is, and I wonder if she he was supposed to be the antiphrasis of a certain filly? It does make me worry that her first kneejerk reaction was to have him killed before he ever had the chance to do anything and that she already know his name is. It also make me wonder how many potential villains she had dispatched before it could have ever happened or be foreseeable, or just just change their path in life to take on a different non-destructive path? It would also make me wonder if she had had started to step away from doing that after that filly's first accomplishment? Also, an easier way that Light could be 'corrected' in a less messy manner would be either that he attended CSoGU and have intensive courses in ethics, or complete redirect it to other ends or become one of her own pawns, unless that path was already explored and exhausted and would turn out well; hint that is why Light got a book instead of a scholarship in the mail. These sorts of clairvoyance always always make me paranoids in thinking how people lives can be manipulated in such ways like WH 40K Eldar Farseers.

10763904
Well, that's certainly an interesting theory!

I don't really want to say anything on whether you're correct or not, so I'll just draw attention to a detail that some may have overlooked.

There's a reason the letter came in the condition it did. Think about the details given, and about what it could mean.

It doesn't really have anything to do with the writer, not directly, but it is important and it's pretty easy to forget about; so I thought I'd mention it.

10763932
well if it is the his COMPANION that delivered, then it could be also plausible, but I don't see him sick the the royal guard at light especially when he could do it himself, not that he made the solemn promise to no kill anyone, just wiping him memory or show him a glimpse of the possible future might be enough to discourage the impressionable colt form pursuing that path in life by giving him a taste of his own medicine. I just don't see him sending a magic book that would encourage him to peruse that art, I see him as more of a hooves on type of 'pony'. The only other alternative is that his COMPANION is also has a two jobs, maybe it's because she lost an eye during her work that she came to that sleepy little town instead,(I also read that story dude.)

10763983
I'm.... gonna be honest. You've completely lost me. Your other theories all made some kind of sense to me, but I legitimately have no idea what you're talking about anymore? :applejackconfused:

10764028
I thought you meant that the package was delivered Derpy and that maybe it was sent but the Doctor, or that she is a former royal guard and that she was sent by Celestia to deliver the book to him

10764067
Ah! I see where the confusion came in! Your first thought upon sensing time shenanigans was to assume the involvement of the Doctor!

Unfortunately, despite my avid love of Doctor Who, our dear Doctor will not be in this story. I enjoy Doctor Whooves stories quite a bit, but that kind of crossover isn't really what I wanted in my story.

I like your intuition though!

doctor who may or may not be what i watch to get myself in a writing mood

10764094
I wasn't really thinking that it would be his style hint, why I think it was Derpy under orders from Celestia herself as a reserve guard pony.

10764118
I have read stories like that, but I think it's safe to tell you that Derpy is just a normal mailmare in this story.

She'll have a big role to play eventually, but probably not in the way you're thinking.

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