Chapter 11 - The Prodigy
Light Flow was, in a word, mystified.
He was standing in front of a tall colorful building near the center of Ponyville. He wore his special black saddlebags at his sides, with their cool angular patterns. He had packed everything he needed for the coming trials, and he felt the items inside weigh heavily on his body.
He stared up at the fancy patterns above the large windows, and the model ponnequins bordering the second floor. His eyes flicked down to the fancy lettering above the door.
Carousel Boutique
He had heard from everypony in town that this was the place to go for clothes. He had thought more about the idea of a cloak, and decided one was absolutely necessary. He knew it was going to be so cool, and he even had a bunch of specifications and details using big words he had looked up in the dictionary.
There was just one sticking point in his head...
This shop was apparently run by a foal.
He didn't really want a cloak made by a foal. But everypony he talked to had assured him that she was some sort of genius.
A seamstress prodigy, they said. He wondered if that was true. He wondered just how good she was.
That wondering had led him here, where he stood in front of a large purple door with two handles for some reason.
The sign in the window read 'open' in big fancy lettering, so he took the top handle in his red magical glow. To his surprise, the bottom handle swung open along with the top one. Though as he gave it more thought, he supposed it would be stupid to have a front door that required two tries to open.
He heard the soft tinkling of a bell, and a high-pitched voice called out from somewhere inside.
"I'm Coming!"
He stepped inside, looking around the dubious shop. It was far more official than he had guessed it to be. Though, he supposed his vision of a shop run by a foal was a little tainted by his general distaste for young ponies.
It didn't matter if he was young, he still didn't like them.
They're just so... messy.
He looked around at the ponnequins and the dresses they displayed. The colorful fabrics cascaded down around each other, and he could see gems sparkling out from multiple places.
They were... nice, he supposed.
He wasn't really into fashion, so he really couldn't say much about them. He turned his attention away from the frills and laces, and looked around at... the frills and laces. There were a lot of materials scattered around. On dressers and tables, and even some on the floor. He guessed the young owner didn't have a lot of time to clean.
Speaking of...
"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique! How may I help you today sir...."
He heard the rather grating high-pitched voice trail off, and he turned to look at the speaker from where she had descended down a set of stairs he hadn't noticed.
If he had to describe the filly in front of him, in a word, it would be overdone.
Her white fur was immaculate, and he could only guess at the hours of brushing it must have taken. Her short purple mane was curled in a simple fashion, but her tail was wrapped in on itself in what looked to be a complicated styling. Her eyelashes were long and delicate, and her deep purple eyes stared forward at him.
He noticed a horn on her head, and figured that was how she managed to keep up with what he guessed was a maintained level of conventional beauty. Magic made stuff like that really easy.
Not that he would know. His mane steadfastly refused to grow, no matter how he wished it would. It seemed forever destined to swish about just above his line of sight.
Very quickly, his eyes flicked down to her flank, and he caught a glimpse of a triple-gem cutie mark. He quickly returned his eyes to her face. It was considered quite rude to look at a pony's cutie mark without asking, but strangely, it was also quite rude to ask.
He would never understand manners.
Finally, he took a moment to stare down at the orb in her chest.
It was a deep glowing purple, though he caught a glimpse at something deeper inside; just like what he had seen with Applejack. It was also circling around in place, as if trying to show off every bit of itself at once.
He frowned. This was the second time he had seen something like that in a pony's orb. Two completely unconnected ponies with the same strange quality in their soul(?). He could only wonder at what it could mean.
"Excuse me!"
He turned his eyes up to the filly's face, where it was slowly scrunching up in apparent anger.
"If you quite done with your little examination, I would ask that you leave at once! This is a place of business, and I don't have time for little colts trying to look for mischief!"
He waited until she had finished her little tirade, before opening one of his saddlebags to fish a bag of jangling bits out. He shook it in the air using his magic, listening until the subtle jingling stopped, before speaking out in the heavy silence.
"I'm a customer."
Those three little words worked like... well, magic. He watched, unimpressed, as the filly's face almost instantly changed from dark and stormy to bright and pleasant.
He scoffed inwardly. He couldn't believe the two-faced filly in front of him was the hailed sewing prodigy he had heard so much about.
He stood there with his floating bag of bits as the filly spoke up again in that high-pitched voice of hers.
"I'm so sorry sir! Please accept my apologies for my horrid behavior!" She approached him with a pleasant expression and a disarming smile as she spoke, before coming to a stop in front of him.
"My name is Rarity, darling. Would you be so kind as to grace me with your name, now that I have so graciously shared mine?
He internally sighed at the fake syrupy sweetness in that grating voice of hers.
"My name is Light Flow." He replied in his best fake-polite voice. Just in case this really was the fabled sewing prodigy, he wanted to stay on her good side. No use in upsetting a genius.
The filly whose name he hadn't really listened to smiled beautifully at his response.
"Well, Mr. Flow. What is it you need from my humble little shop today? Surely you haven't come for a dress?" She tittered softly at her own joke. It was a horrid sound, he thought. Like little crystals shattering on the floor.
"I've come to commission a cloak, miss. Do you think you can do that?"
The filly's expression seemed to dip at that, and she made a small sound of disbelief.
"A cloak? As if something so du- Uh, I mean simple! As if something so simple would be beyond one of my ability. Describe this cloak to me, I will make it happen!"
She seemed unconcerned by her slip-up, as she levitated a nearby pen and paper over to her with light blue magic. She seemed ready to take notes, as if he was just going to rattle off what he wanted at her. He stared at her determined face for a moment before shaking his head.
Some ponies...
He once more opened his saddlebag, and levitated a scroll out as he opened his mouth to speak.
"Actually miss, I've got the details here on this scroll so- ack!"
He let out a cry as the paper was wrested from his grip. He felt her magic brush against his for a moment, and he heard her give a near-inaudible gasp.
The paper flew over to the white filly where she was staring at him wide-eyed. She seemed shocked at something, though it looked as if she recovered quickly. She only stared at him a moment before focusing her attention on the scroll she had so rudely taken from him.
She muttered things under her breath while giving periodic glances back up at him, and he only caught snippets of big words he didn't understand. He hadn't made the instructions too confusing, had he? He had tried to make them as concise as possible, but she was taking far longer than should have been necessary.
He had also included all of his measurements. There was no way he was letting anypony near him with any sort of measuring device.
Finally, she seemed to finish. She turned her head up from the scroll and cleared her throat.
"Yes yes, this should be quite easy, if a bit unorthodox. I should have it finished in no time, though I will require payment up front."
He nodded. That seemed fair. After all, he wasn't exactly her normal clientele, and she had no way of knowing he wouldn't run off with the finished product without paying.
He levitated the bag of one hundred bits over to the filly, and she seemed to hesitate for a moment. She oddly took the bag in her teeth before then levitating it away, and she smiled somewhat... nervously?
"T-Thank you sir. I have a big order right now, so if you could return in about two weeks' time, that would be lovely."
He polite-smiled at her again, before turning and heading out through the door. He felt it shut rather abruptly behind him, and turned to look at the large object that had just barely missed his tail.
Rude.
He turned his gaze back towards the town as he thought about the filly inside. It was likely that she had made those dresses he had seen, so there was little doubt that she could sew. But he still felt uneasy about his cloak. That filly had probably been the most unpleasant, fake, scheming little ball of sweetness he had ever met.
"I think I like her. I'm gonna have to ask somepony what her name is."
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Not bad story, but personally the descriptions with dead things more or less put me off. The premise is quite lighthearted and combining it with more macabre writing makes Light Flow seem more of mentally deranged pony than someone i would like to cheer for. Will read further though, a lot of good stories have bumps like that.
Just some thoughts about the matter.
I am a little worried of the part of the message that Light was referred to as an 'orphan' with implications with his mother. I would guess that Light will see one of these orbs inside a pony snuffed out right before his eyes and might actually make him rethink his desires to just become a evil villain, and may go to the more mundane life or be able to prolong life a little longer. I think going to a retirement would be enough for to share him out of his little horseshoes. On another possibility he could get haunted by a very chatty ghosts which would make his gift more of a curse. For the one who sent the book, it looks like he was more of a seer then a necromancer and decided to take a gamble, all be it cynically, sense his usual option of stemming the problem would likely only make it worst, with Light luck; through he would have survived it anyway. It also sounds like he could be part of the high ranking guard or wizard if he could have Light dispatched easily. I would guess that he could get along with Rarity more easily because she has her own focused interest in a goal for fashion over AJ's just accepting things as they go way. I would expect that Rarity had the good sense of removing all the goddy edgy villain decoration stuff that he asked for keeping it plain and unassuming and practical and simple or worst give him exactly what he wanted and more... I am sure he will like it either way.
I love anything with Necromancy in it, looking forward to more!
man this guy just ignores others with a passion the conversation was like 30-40 seconds.
10763371
Oh I am so happy you feel like that, you have no idea!
Well, sorry that the story put you off, but that was exactly the feeling I was going for!
Light Flow is supposed to come off as weird, and prickly, and he's absolutely meant to seem mentally deranged.
It should be obvious to anyone that there's something wrong with him. That there's a sort of disconnect between his thoughts and his actions.
I really am sorry that you've been put off, but it's not really going to get any better. It's sort of an important part of the story that's not going to go away anytime soon. In fact, it's going to get worse as time goes on.
I appreciate you trying to stick through it!
10763599
I'm happy someone picked up on that bad habit of his.
It's honestly one of my favorite little quirks of his, and it's always really funny to write.
10763413
I always love seeing your comments.
It's an honest wonder to me that anyone would care enough about a story of mine to speculate about it. But here you are! Writing out a whole slew of predictions and hopes for the story.
I can't spoil anything too important, there would be no fun in that, but I can tell you that there's one small detail you picked up on that's very important.
I've also left enough clues to figure out who the writer of the note is, but that part's not too important.
I hope you're enjoying the story so far!
10763571
Thanks for saying so! I'm always happy to see someone else who enjoys that kind of stuff as much as I do!
10763735
Thanks I will try to be as insightful as I can.
Also I think I got who she is, and I wonder if she he was supposed to be the antiphrasis of a certain filly? It does make me worry that her first kneejerk reaction was to have him killed before he ever had the chance to do anything and that she already know his name is. It also make me wonder how many potential villains she had dispatched before it could have ever happened or be foreseeable, or just just change their path in life to take on a different non-destructive path? It would also make me wonder if she had had started to step away from doing that after that filly's first accomplishment? Also, an easier way that Light could be 'corrected' in a less messy manner would be either that he attended CSoGU and have intensive courses in ethics, or complete redirect it to other ends or become one of her own pawns, unless that path was already explored and exhausted and would turn out well; hint that is why Light got a book instead of a scholarship in the mail. These sorts of clairvoyance always always make me paranoids in thinking how people lives can be manipulated in such ways like WH 40K Eldar Farseers.
10763904
Well, that's certainly an interesting theory!
I don't really want to say anything on whether you're correct or not, so I'll just draw attention to a detail that some may have overlooked.
There's a reason the letter came in the condition it did. Think about the details given, and about what it could mean.
It doesn't really have anything to do with the writer, not directly, but it is important and it's pretty easy to forget about; so I thought I'd mention it.
10763932
well if it is the his COMPANION that delivered, then it could be also plausible, but I don't see him sick the the royal guard at light especially when he could do it himself, not that he made the solemn promise to no kill anyone, just wiping him memory or show him a glimpse of the possible future might be enough to discourage the impressionable colt form pursuing that path in life by giving him a taste of his own medicine. I just don't see him sending a magic book that would encourage him to peruse that art, I see him as more of a hooves on type of 'pony'. The only other alternative is that his COMPANION is also has a two jobs, maybe it's because she lost an eye during her work that she came to that sleepy little town instead,(I also read that story dude.)
10763983
I'm.... gonna be honest. You've completely lost me. Your other theories all made some kind of sense to me, but I legitimately have no idea what you're talking about anymore?
10764028
I thought you meant that the package was delivered Derpy and that maybe it was sent but the Doctor, or that she is a former royal guard and that she was sent by Celestia to deliver the book to him
10764067
Ah! I see where the confusion came in! Your first thought upon sensing time shenanigans was to assume the involvement of the Doctor!
Unfortunately, despite my avid love of Doctor Who, our dear Doctor will not be in this story. I enjoy Doctor Whooves stories quite a bit, but that kind of crossover isn't really what I wanted in my story.
I like your intuition though!
doctor who may or may not be what i watch to get myself in a writing mood10764094
I wasn't really thinking that it would be his style hint, why I think it was Derpy under orders from Celestia herself as a reserve guard pony.
10764118
I have read stories like that, but I think it's safe to tell you that Derpy is just a normal mailmare in this story.
She'll have a big role to play eventually, but probably not in the way you're thinking.
Oh, looks like his magical aura might be able to directly touch a ponies soul, or at the very least make them feel very nervous... Rarity also seems like a good candidate as a possible confidante for his secret, particularly because she's interacted/touched his aura directly.
Very interesting indeed...
The moment main character stopped being so cringy, we got another cringy character.
Consistency, i like it.
10875298
In all fairness, this one is a canon character. The author's hands were tied.
10875298
Well, you are 11 chapters in, so I can only assume you're not being sarcastic...
I'm sorry to say, but this is where I can't really go any further. The story just doesn't seem good, nor is it getting better.
There are the obvious turn-offs, like the letter. Edgy, Overpowered OC at the center of history is never a very good direction to take any story, and honestly, Light Flow just comes off as extremely autistic and probably schizophrenic. Not a fun character to follow. On top of that, I might be wrong, but it feels very much like this is the kind of story that goes into harem territory. Making Applejack even want to be friends with him when he's always going out of his way to isolate himself feels forced. There are a lot of children in their peer group; why would she put in the effort to befriend someone who clearly prefers his solitude?
There are other more subtle, but more grievous offenses, though, and that's a lack of gravity to events in the story so far. The big one would be the dead pony in the forest. Fine, I can believe he finds a recently dead pony in the woods, but what I don't believe is a missing pony not being mentioned in the following chapter. A pony has just died, a pony who presumably had a life, friends, and family, and yet, you write the next chapter as if that pony didn't exist.
What you should have done is had subtle nods to that pony, perhaps a missing poster, or even some ponies asking around town for their missing loved one who never came home. But instead we got nothing, and it's that kind of thing that makes a world feel vacant and disjointed.
Same with the Pinkie incident, which had a lot of problems. Light was extremely delusional in that chapter, and while panic in the moment can explain that, not having him acknowledge this later was another nail in the coffin.
Like, obviously a murderer isn't going to show up at your front door in broad daylight and try to kill you, nor would they leave you alive just because you yell at them. Light Flow should have realized this when he calmed down and felt like an idiot.
And in another case of the world feeling disjointed, this once again isn't referenced in the next chapter. Pinkie lives in that town. She probably just ran through town in tears, drawing attention to herself and being a source of gossip. Yet, instead, she just doesn't exist after that. Light Flow doesn't reference hearing anything about her, like perhaps her getting a job at Sugarcube Corner. She only existed in Ponyville for this one moment, then seemingly vanishes.
I don't know, it just seems like the story has no interconnectiveness. Ponies are just cutouts for Light Flow to have interesting interactions with.
11651873
Whoof. It's been a while since I've gotten such an emphatic denouncement of me, my writing, and my characters. On the one hand, I'm always grateful for people giving my story a chance, and to that end, I'd like to honestly thank you for trying. There are many issues with my writing, and I know it isn't for anyone; I'm very well aware of that and very understanding of people's reasons on giving up.
Except... I find myself in an odd position, because many of the criticisms you've levied my way are rather new. I haven't heard many people key into these specific problems- and I have to say you've provided a truly incisive board of issues. The only thing is, despite how often I do agree with my detractors, I'm afraid I just don't this time.
This is a new thing for me.
I suppose I'll tackle your issues as they come. For affront the first: I believe any premise, regardless of originality or severity, can be done competently. I don't enjoy thinking of any genre or trope or caricature that is, itself, worthless. I believe very strongly in artistic interpretation, and to that end, I believe that a well-adjusted writer with a critical grasp on narrative clichés can both lean into and subvert classic tropes in intelligent ways. I know for certain that I was not that writer at the start of the story, nor do I claim to be now, but my point is that I disagree with your premise in this case.
Light's character- well, I can't defend him. Right now, he's a wimpy loser that's easy to wish trauma upon, and even later, he's still pretty wimpy. That's the essence of his character: he's a pretty immature dork who pretends to be a lot of things he's not. He's full of bluster and bravado and cotton and fluff. If you were to kick him, he would whine like a little puppy. Part of this, obviously, is so he can grow as a character; given that this story spans years and hundreds of thousands of words now, I am lastingly proud of my decision to start him from such low beginnings. It will make his eventual triumph- or fall- all the sweeter.
I can't make you like his archetype, and I can't force you to buy into the premise. I understand that, and I still respect your decision to bow out.
Some quick things: this is not a harem story, and it never will be. I think introducing that concept into a story such as this would be creatively bankrupt. As for why Applejack pal'd around with him, I could ask the same of you and your friends. What causes any of us to form bonds with those around us? I have a friend who's stuck with me since the fourth grade and all manner of awful hardships. I don't think it's implausible that he's still my friend, nor do I find it an immaculate contrivance that the two of us became friends in the first place. It's as much of a contrivance as the Bearers becoming friends with each other, and it's the exact same kind of contrivance that lead to Applejack becoming friends with Light.
Life is full of contrivances, and it's okay to suspend your disbelief. If you never believe anything because it seems implausible, then you'll never believe in anything.
The lack of gravity- you may have a point, but I'd argue that many of the flaws you've pointed out here owe to the nature of the story's tense. It's told from the perspective of Light Flow, and therefore he notices what we notice. There may very well have been missing posters and a search effort, but Light doesn't care about that. He didn't take any special notice of anything like that happening, which is actually a very severe characterization for him. What you can take from its exclusion is that Light lacks empathy, and situational awareness.
From Light's perspective, the world is disjointed and vacant- because Light is disjointed and vacant. I have thought many times about going back and rewriting the beginning of this story, because honestly, it sucks. I don't blame you for bowing out right here. I've purposefully left it the way it is, though, because I believe the shitty writing at the start does an incredible job of reflecting Light's character at the time. As I grew as a writer, Light grew, and as I learned how to key more details in, so did Light.
The Pinkie incident, by the way, is a victim of the point of the story you've stopped at as well as the timeframe of the narrative. It was left vague to keep their relationship implicit as the story progressed, and as the story progressed, it was expounded upon.
Light... acted that way because it's his character. He's a delusional little colt who reads the most terrible things way more than he should. I can't help that you see it as implausible, because it's just a character flaw. It is implausible. Light often freaks out and succumbs to wild fantasies, because he's got an incredibly overactive imagination. That's who he is right now.
After that, Light didn't seek her out. Or, maybe he did. You've stopped less than 25k words into a 420k word story.
I don't know why your comment has grabbed me as much as it has. It's just... all of your criticisms are things that have turned around and become abundant as the story progressed. In fact- I can assure you that, if you were to keep reading, you would instead complain that the world is too vivid. My story is incredibly dense, and it is disgustingly woven into itself. I pay an absurd amount of attention to characters and details and relationships and foreshadowing.
So, I really just can't agree with most of the things you said. They were all very well pointed out, and some of them are true, but I wrote those things over two years ago, and they comprise less than 10% of the story. I literally wrote everything that you just read in less than a week after I first started writing.
I had been writing for less than a week. It has been two years since then.
I want to impress, for the last time, that I am glad you gave my story what little chance you did, because I thrive on my readership. I am endlessly grateful that anyone would ever read what I write. The beginning of the story is very rough, and most of your criticisms are valid.
But they haven't been true for two years. If you yell at me about my plot density or my overactive attention to detail, then I'll shake your hand with a smile and tell you that you are 100% correct.
Have a good day, and I do mean that. I don't hate you because you don't like my story. Honestly? Some days, I don't like my story. I hope you don't hold it against me that I felt I had to defend it, though. It's my passion project.
I get it. Some things aren't for everyone.
Oh, Celestia, I forgot how funny this story could be. I mean, the prose is thicker than I'd prefer so I end up skimming a bit here and there, but the simplistic complexities of Light's mind is something I can get along with.
HAAAAAHAAAGAGHAHA
Aren’t rarity’s eyes blue?
11808308
Yes. Yes, they are, and as soon as I get around to reediting this chapter in the modern day, they will be.