• Member Since 8th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 4th, 2021


Fimfic's favorite painkiller, editorial writer for Equestria Daily, and a blog author for Equestria After Dark.

Comments ( 83 )

meh, it's not that bad.

quick unrelated question: How long did your story get uploaded before moderation?

No idea. 6 ish hours.

“Stay with me Sugarcube, we need to get you to a hospital.” she heard.

Minor error.

1208371 It's not funny, nor is it good at all. I'll give you a little bit of credit for not killing her though, but still it's just terrible.

What the BUCK happened to Rainbow Dash?

My apologies that you feel that way. I will remember for when I start writing again.

I will say that it is written well, the scenes are portrayed in a away that the reader is never lost for what is going on. Nor are they inundated with extraneous detail.
I will go on to say that the whole "Dash fails to be a Wonderbolt so she kills herself/ someone else thing is just to much of a cliche and really drags the whole thing down.
Cliche aside the way things are presented in Dash's head are done very well along with how she succeeds in doing equal emotional and physical harm.
On the subject of the ending I will say that both times it simply comes to quickly, the Deus ex Applejack is to sudden and the rest of it never covers what happens to dash or shows that Scoots is any worse for the wear even though with events like the story she would be,

All in all, a not so great premise in a well written shell.

So after one of the worst ponies beat her up, what happened to Dashie?

The beating was excessive, but other than that, much worse has been posted.

Thank you for the constructive criticism. Honestly, I wrote that extremely quickly, but the idea was throbbing in my head for a while due to one of the (obviously) cliched pictures of Scootabuse.

Maybe I'll rewrite this one day, because I'm not a fan of one shots. I love length, (as shown by my previous "work"). But I was 3k words away from 50k for NaNoPoWriMo, and I had three hours until the deadline. So this came out :derpyderp1:

I had a few ideas, but I didn't have the time to write them down. I'm taking a hiatus for a while, but maybe I'll elaborate on this story later.

No idea. I had a few suggestions, but the deadline for my writing ran out.

Im actually liking this

Thank you for saying so. I'm glad that it wasn't a complete mess of words to you :pinkiehappy:

I feel like doing a snap review now that I'm seeing a lack of appreciation in the like/dislike bar. I figured, maybe I can help.:pinkiecrazy:

You know what, this isn't that bad. It's got a few spare cases of awkward or long sentences that I would have personally changed, but those are rare or minor so I'd say it's well written, especially for this kind of story. Usually violent/grim fics like this are filled with errors. Dash's characterization was nice too, if not a little telly at times, but hey, that's not really something to worry about for now.

Anyways though, this was pretty entertaining, but it lacked solace. This story has a lot of potential as a hurt/comfort fic, but it falls apart because, well, there's no comfort and there definitely too much hurt. The beat down felt prolonged and overdone, making it seem somewhat not credible. There were good bits in the beginning and Dash's lines really added a lot of power to the moment, but it starts to gradually feel unrealistic as Dash continually and maliciously keeps going. The story probably would have functioned great if you simply centered around the one hasty punch and maybe the scooter break. Both of those carry the bulk of the emotional impact here, because it's personal, rather than simple physical harm.

What I'm trying to help with here is that there's a fine line between writing a trashy gorefic and writing an emotionally riveting grim tragedy. I enjoyed it, but it might have been more successful if it was more plot centered.

Note: It absolutely blows my mind that this is considered cliche. I know Scootabuse has been around, but Rainbow Dash becoming twisted and upset over getting rejected from the Wonder Bolts? I've NEVER seen that. That's why I like it so much. It explored a concept I'd never seen. I guess the pony-fic world is just really crowded so we all end up using the same ideas sometimes. :ajsleepy:

Thank you for the constructive criticism. I completely agree with you, the beating was probably overdone too much. I'm thinking of rewriting this.

Awesome. Glad you appreciated it. I'm personally working really hard to improve my writing, so I know how it can be depressing/frustrating when a fic getting dislikes without clear justification.

I know the justification, people don't like Scootabuse. It's just not exactly logical. And that's fine, if a story isn't their cup of tea.

I love it, i mean.
I love both Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo but yet i'm not mad at this fan-fic. It's just so interesting cause it could happen, Rainbow is a very narrowminded athlete and Celestia can be a real douche and look over it. Or she just ,didn't see it.

Some minor spelling mistakes here and there but otherwise a very entertaining fic. I'll follow it :)

Thank you for the constructive criticism. Spelling mistakes? I didn't think I would have any, whoops.


Perhaps not here, but the cliche is rampant on Fanfiction.net; here we have a weird combination of the same idea, but it's not always Scootabuse. Sometimes it's suicide, etc.

I am glad to see this one ends on a positive note, and it is very well-written. The only gripe I have, and it's a general one, is that I really can't see RD snapping in THIS kind of manner. Becoming a miserable pile of depression and sad, definitely, and maybe even snapping at her friends or other ponies, but the outright sadism seems a bit much for me. Even if she did hit Scootaloo once I can't really see her dragging it out as much, as well as not immediately feeling guilty. That's just my take on her personality, though.

>the cliche is rampant on fanfiction.net

:rainbowhuh: Huh...I guess I'll have to go there and maybe check a few out. I always enjoy twisted fanfics. Makes sense that there are a lot there and not here though. I've noticed fanfiction.net tends to have trashier/darker content, whereas here on FIM, there are all these feedback functions that allow users to flame a story and pressure it off the site.

I'll be honest, I don't like Scootaloo, at all. But this story was amazing, and I'm so happy that everything turned out all right for Scoots. :pinkiesmile:

Well, what do you know? A Scootabuse fanfic that doesn't suck. Those are a rarity to come across.

This is definitely too quick and would benefit a whole bunch from an expansion. Not more chapters, but maybe a longer re-write. Still, you shouldn't leave Rainbow's fate unclear. Well, disregard that, you can leave it unclear, but you must at least mention something that slightly indicates that something happened to her, or else people are going to perceive that you simply forgot about that instead of unintentionally leaving it open-ended.
This isn't as bad as those retard, TWE-wannabes who shouldn't even be a part of the group make it out to be. Your writing is much more superior than whatever this guy (1208363) could ever hope to conceive, for one.

TWE should start a better "program" to keep these kinds of idiots off their group. The point is to find bad stories and, I'm sorry to say sugarplum, Scootabuse isn't bad just because.

Prove me wrong, T.D.W. Criticize this fanfic yourself.

1381308 Hate to burst your bubble, but I actually have a story that has 365 thumbs up, 512 favorites, and has made the Featured Box a couple of times.

1381423 Just wanted to say that yes, I did make a story that was better than this one. But if you like it, that's fine with me. Just don't drag me into your reason that you like this story.

1381455 Better? Now that's an interesting and very subjective concept. There has been stories who were featured up there and were worse than cupcakes spin-offs. Trust me, I should know that since I wrote one which has, as the e-dick game goes, 428 upvotes, 540 favorites and made it to the feature box 10 minutes after being approved.
(Fancy that, a cupcakes spin-off which was deemed excellent by folks who abhor cupcakes...)
Point is: your point is flawed. Just because you've made it to the featured box, it doesn't mean that your story is exemplary.

And I'm not dragging you "into the reason that I liked this story". I'm dragging you into this for the sole reason that this isn't TWE material, like you and someone else pointed out.
I suggest you stop spamming TWE-related propaganda unless it is actually called for, lest the group be ruined when it gets swarmed by idiots who think that posting train captchas is part of being a kool kidZ.

1381486 Well to me this is a train wreck of a story. Sorry if I had something called an opinion.

1381673 Not at all. You are entitled to have an opinion. It's just that it was wrong.
Oh, and weren't mods/reviewers the only ones allowed to post the train captcha?

Fight on each other's profile. Not on my story comments. This goes to both of you.

I appreciate the wrong opinion that Scootabuse is bad just because. I don't care what any of you have written, using it in your argument tends to turn everyone off of it. And it doesn't make you any less correct. I wrote a story for NaNoPoWriMo. While it's not my best work, I wouldn't call it a train wreck.

Tropes can be overused. I knew that this one was when I started writing. I wrote it anyway. I believe if a trope is written well, overuse doesn't really matter. Is this written well? That's subjective.

Piss off with the superiority statements. No one cares.

Why did you pick Rainbow Slash as the cover? Whyyyy?????? D: (rainbow shouldn't work in the Rainbow Factory):rainbowderp:

Soo what happens to Dash?

Good question. I didn't plan on that fic going anywhere. It was just a thing. Maybe I'll rewrite it.


ooo ok, if you do re write it, would you mind sending it to me please? (becuase I most certainly like the plot and where it's gonna go)

*sighs* I saw a comment regarding dislikes without explanation, so I feel compelled to leave a comment.

Primarily, I dislike the subject matter, but I'd also say on a quick scan that I saw multiple grammatical errors and improper usage of words. At times the writing had good use of internal monologue to flesh out the situation, but in other cases it was flat and mechanical. Though you don't write sparsely it feels that few of your words are focused on building the places where your stories take place. Take the time to develop the world around your characters, create colorful or memorable scenes that will offset or emphasize the action or dialogue, and some of the problems of monotonous interactions will solve themselves.

One big thing that struck me was that the character of RD does not seem authentic- I know this is fiction, I know it's not canon, but the buildup of anger and self-pity following the rejection fell into a cliche of "I'm spurned, now time for revenge" that was then directed on an innocent target. The ending was an abrupt change, as if you felt the need to offer some small tidbit of happiness, but it clashed too much with the general tone of the story and left far too much unanswered. The gratuitousness of the beating has been touched on- I honestly skipped most of it because I didn't see any redeeming or story-developing value to it.

Now for the part where I probably go way too far overboard for simple feedback.
My primary motivation for leaving a dislike is the question the very existence of the scene brings up: What is the motivation for a story like this? What tale does it tell, what facet of an existing character does it explore? Is it just violence for violence's sake? A fight between friends can be put in the context of a conflict, just as a fight between enemies can be. But this... it feels like watching someone kick a dog. Part of that is personal antipathy towards the introduction of masochism to a world that tends to focus on the positive, but I think it's a valid question about nearly any story. When the infliction of pain and suffering is the primary thrust, what redeeming value does it have, or is it just salacious material for people who like the infliction of pain?
I apologize if this seems like a personal, rather than literary, critique. It isn't intended as such. I dislike grimdark in general because it's the opposite of what I have come to love about the world of FiM: It's somewhat idealized but it reminds me of what we should strive for, rather than scoff at or try to tear down. There is an overabundance of postmodern, deconstructionist storytelling in our pop culture that focuses on finding fault in heroes and creating moral equivalencies until good and bad blend together. Some nuance and character flaws create tension and make a character more complex, but simply tossing aside redeeming values doesn't.

One other suggestion I would make is to read different authors- it's an excellent way to develop your style by finding how others craft their sentences, paragraphs, and chapters to put a story together. I'd especially recommend classical authors- a huge amount of current writing has fallen into using the 'shorter, simpler, plainer' mantra of journalism school.


I can agree with your points. This isn't even close to my best work, since it was (one of) the first fics I ever created. Your constructive criticism deserves more mustaches then I can provide, considering it has been the most helpful. Does this story deserve a rewrite? Yes, completely. Will I do it? Probably not, unless I'm bored. I hate Rainbow Dash, and I created this fic to make sure I reached 50k. That, and the idea was stuck in my head, so I wrote it out. So, yes, I guess you can say that this is bad, since I was writing from the point of view of my least favorite character, it was the third fic I've written, and it was a one shot, one of the things I'm terrible at. Heh. Anyway, thank you for your comments.


You're quite welcome! I'm glad it didn't come across as a personal attack and that you consider it useful!

One interesting thing I've noticed is that some of the best fictions I've read deal with characters I'm not so enamored of (*koff*PinkiePie*koff*Trixie*koff*) are ones where the author has given the character some complexity- where the original canon (and common fanon) attributes are there, but additional traits come out. These stories have fascinated me because they make me re-evaluate these characters and essentially give them another chance once I can see them as more than another iteration of their stock form.

People are complex, they can and do change, adapt, and sometimes act in unexpected ways, and it should be the same way with pony characters as well. Now, while I say that... I think it's pretty hard to pull off, it has to take a lot of research, reading, understanding, and experimentation to achieve properly.

I like this story a lot.You had the right amount of detail without giving us too much.The only thing is at parts you didn't give enough.Like what happened to Rainbow Dash? I think this requires a epilogue.Otherwise great story.


I agree, it would be nice to know what happened to Rainbow.

otherwise, good story about someone just losing it.

What happens to rainbow dash:trixieshiftright::facehoof:

I thought that this was really good. I like reading the stories of somepony reacting to their dreams being crushed. I thought that you displayed the thoughts of Rainbow Dash and her reasoning as to why it was that she was rejected very well. I would really love to see a sequel to this where we get to find out what happened to Dash and maybe, in some sort of insane twist, have Scootaloo live through the entire ordeal. Give what I said a bit thought please. Also, with the ending, that was a flashback to when Scoots first got her scooter right? I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the great writing!

Ok author I'm being serious right now. Right another chapter. You can't just leave it at RD being knocked out. Write about RD or something. Maybe she apologized? Maybe she disappeared with no trace? Maybe she commit suicide? So many possibilities.

Hey, just wanted to tell ya that a friend and I did a riff of this a while back, and wanted to know if you'd like me to post it anywhere, since it isn't at this current point in time.

Also also, it's a good fic, but I still hate Dash.

Wheres the cover art from?

Damn... Just... Damn... That was dark.
Great job writing this story. :twilightsmile:

I like this story. I'd want to see a sequel.

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