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New Friends, Dead Enemies (fixed the abrupt ending)

Rainbow Dash 3rd person POV:

It has been three days since the Sirens died, and school life has gone almost back to normal. I say almost because no one wants to talk about being mind controlled, Principal Celestia and Vice principal Luna have set up counselling for those that were affected the most. I decided to stop by because I was with the Sirens when they died, and because of what I did to my own friends.

"Friends" I whisper to myself, what a hollow word. I turned on mine, Princess Twilight came to see me before she left for her world, and she told me in no uncertain terms that I fucked up. I know I did but it still hurts, none of the girls will even look at me and every time I try to talk to Sunset to apologise or to even talk one of the other girls are around. I haven't even attempted to talk to Fluttershy, mostly because every time she sees me she gives me a cold glare, or just doesn't even notice me.

I've started wearing long sleeve shirts and jeans, because I'm taking out my depression on myself. I've quit sports and started focusing on trying to make things right, Pinkie and Rarity have started the process with me and Applejack is slowly starting to let me back into the group. I sigh to myself as I sit in my room and just think, I look at my wrist and see all of the scars I put there, sometimes I wake up after a horrible night terror and the only way to forget about them is to add another scar, I'll write again soon.

It's been a month since the Sirens died and I've made more progress with Applejack, Fluttershy still won't talk to me but she's not as hostile. I still can't bring myself to talk to Sunset, the friendship games are coming up and I refuse to participate in any of the events, but I still plan on showing up. Maybe I can talk to her there. There was a new student in school today and her name is Twilight Sparkle as well, from what I've learned she's this world's version of Twilight from the portal and I've slowly made friends with her and introduced her to the other girls, except Sunset. That's all I'll write about today, maybe next time I'll be able to say I have my friends back.

I finally was able to approach Sunset today...it went as well as I thought. I apologized profusely and she said she was hurt and that she was disappointed...but she said she wanted to have a fresh start with me, like with the others I cried as I said yes. I told her I'd do anything to have my friends back, Fluttershy saw me crying and I finally talked to her as well, it didn't go as well mostly because she saw the scars I've been hiding, especially from my counselor.

She made me go to Sweet Apple Acres with her and she told all of the other girls what I had done. I couldn't help but feel more dejected, I let my tears fall silently as they found out I had been contemplating my death, Sunset hugged me and said she understood, I cried even harder when she showed us her old scars. I apologized so profusely I lost my voice, that night everything started to get better. We talked, cried and laughed all night. It's been about a month since then and we're all doing better, from what Sunset has told us about Nightmare Moon, the alter ego of Princess Luna from Equestria asked out her father. "Haha" I chuckle to myself as I tap my pencil against my chin as I continue to write, who'd have thought someone who attempted to bring eternal night would date literal death, Princess Twilight has been writing that she's proud of all of us and the progress we've made to repair our friendship. I heard the crusaders might get early parole but everyone isn't holding their breath, not even me they messed up we all did and we're repairing it the best we can.

Sunset says she wants to go back to Equestria for a bit, especially since Princess Twilight says she can open the portal whenever she wants. So Sunset will be leaving and her father and Uncle's are going with her along with Nightmare they've both said that they feel the need to apologise to Princess Celestia and to the rest of Equestria, Fluttershy said she's going and doesn't care about her doppelganger on the other side of the portal especially since Thanatos said that he and his brothers would make sure the world didn't implode. Fluttershy said she was going to give both Sunset and Nightmare Moon courage and someone to stand up for them. They'll be leaving Tom and all I can do is sit here staring at my healing scars and wonder if I've done enough to apologise and show that I've changed. And that I've made sure they can return whenever they want, I'll miss them that's for sure, that's all for this entry, maybe I'll write sooner than a month from now.

Chuck POV:

Everything is going to plan, the friendship problems have been solved and soon Sunset's true destiny will be revealed. I just hope Death, War, Pestilence and Famine are up to the task of balancing a world that has too much harmony. I think to myself as I look at Equestria and wonder why my granddaughters have chosen to do something that even I wouldn't, "I am truly sorry Tia and Lulu but the time of harmony is at its end, as it should have been long ago, the elements will no longer help you and you must learn from the error of stagnation." I say as I look to the portal and help Princess Twilight power it one last time, "I am truly sorry for this Twilight but Equestrias time is at hand and you will unknowingly be the reason for its downfall" I say knowing I could destroy both worlds but I can't bring myself to do it therefore I'll let the keepers of balance do it. Is it wrong probably but it is the only way, I think to myself as I once more watch Sunset, Nightmare, Famine, Pestilence, War and Death as they ready themselves for the next part of their journey, "I am truly sorry my old friend" I whisper as they enter the portal.

Author's Note:

And so I've completed my first story but don't worry, Deaths New Life is only just beginning, hopefully you've enjoyed this story and will watch for when I create the sequel have a nice day and remember you can stop a war, you can feed the hungry, you can cure the sick, but none can stop death. I'm also sorry if this ending seems rushed and abrupt but I figured, why not send our merry bunch on whirl wind ride, I'm not sure when I'll put up the sequel just know it's coming.

Comments ( 13 )

Deaths New Life 2?

10380045
Deaths New Life: Equestria's Apocalypse, the title is a working one for now, I don't know when it's gonna go up, but the story of Death is just getting started

10380070
Deaths New Life: Equestria's Four Apocalypse Ponies

no Apocalypse Horses

Everything is going to plan, the friendship problems have been solved and soon Sunset's true destiny will be revealed. I just hope Death, War, Pestilence, and Famine are up to the task of balancing a world that has too much harmony. I think to myself as I look at Equestria and wonder why my granddaughters have chosen to do something that even I wouldn't, "I am truly sorry Tia and Lulu but the time of harmony is at its end, as it should have been long ago, the elements will no longer help you and you must learn from the error of stagnation." I say as I look to the portal and help Princess Twilight power it one last time, "I am truly sorry for this Twilight but Equestrias time is at hand and you will unknowingly be the reason for its downfall" I say knowing I could destroy both worlds but I can't bring myself to do it, therefore, I'll let the keepers of balance do it. Is it wrong probably but it is the only way, I think to myself as I once more watch Sunset, Nightmare, Famine, Pestilence, War, and Death as they ready themselves for the next part of their journey, "I am truly sorry my old friend" I whisper as they enter the portal.

I guess Chuck is not a D*ck in this story

10381530
Not yet, I have plans for Chuck, but it won't be until later in the sequel

Eh, I tried to enjoy the story, but you continue to make the exact same mistakes over and over again.

The constant PoV switching is annoying, and there's tons of grammatical errors throughout the story that I know have been pointed out in previous comments, and ignored.

On top of all that, the story is way too fast-paced, and several characters were completely out of character.

You also seemed to have had events play out "off-screen" so to speak, and then reference them as if we (the reader) should have known about it.

None of that is even touching on the sorry excuse for "romance" you portray in this story. There was no buildup, no drama, no flair, you just stuck two characters together and went "hey look, shipping!".

All in all, I liked the premise, but you fell spectacularly short of my expectations. Sorry.

10392667
It's all about the learning curve and experience and putting an idea to paper or text and putting it out there for people to enjoy, criticize, or what have you, I like that you've commented, I enjoy feedback, I enjoy the fact my story has even been read. So even if you didn't enjoy the story thank you for the read

10392676
Like I said, I enjoyed the premise, and even if I didn't care for your execution, it was still something that caught my interest.

I hope you continue to grow, and improve as an author; I'd really love to see what other ideas you come up with.

Well. That was entertaining. Definitely worth the read.
Like others have said, the ideas were fantastic, and the plot works well enough, but it didn't quite stick the execution as well as it could have.
I feel like this is a sort of skeleton of what it could be, so much potential.
I think I'm going to keep with the sequel, at least for a bit.
I wish you good luck, and good writing.

Read this, and work upon those run-along with sentences.

"Commas and Periods are not your enemies"

Saw this in another story a while back and thought it would fit here as well.

Those are the only immediate problems I see so fair

Comment posted by Vartil-Shadowalker deleted Aug 25th, 2021
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