• Member Since 31st Oct, 2017
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Blacklight Brony


I’m a human with a love for all types of art either it be music or drawing. I’m kind but a little shy. Glad to meet you.

T

A 13 year old boy named John was a ‘normal’ kid. He got in to high school early around 3 years a go. Dunwall became an unforgiving place after his parents were ordered to death by the spymaster. After a walker hit him he found himself on a shore. The people became different to what he’s used to see.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 27 )

Ehh it's decent but not my cuppa tea! Also you may wish to read over this and check your word choice. You used tough twice where you should have used taught.

8549401
Thank you I couldn’t spell that for the life of me. You at a big help.

send chapters to me if you would like me to edit them, i get to stuff when i get bored, which happens way too often
send the chapters to soul2split@gmail.com
I dislike greatly to leave things broken when i can fix them :)

8549832
I was about to offer to do the same thing, but I let the professional handle it.

No, that was not sarcasm, I just know when someone is better suited than me to do something.

Will he protect or destroy

*Internally counts the amount of times a tennager has committed genocide*

he protec

I can summarize this whole book without reading it. Here's the basic plot points;

1) Teenage kid tries to be a badass but didn't work out to good. End of story for that little guy.
2) For some reason, Equestria is afterlife/ this kid is special somehow and didn't die/ go to the place of god(s) himself.
3) Meets ponies who have no clue how the hell he got there, and kid doesn't know either. He tries to be a badass there.
4) He uses his powers to be "cool" and whoop ass. Because ponies are incapable of handling themselves in a battle, so bad guys always lose. It always seems like he's gonna get his ass handed to him...



but it neeeever does.

Give me a rating of how well I did.
Not trying to be a dick man, but I see these self-insert stories way to often. It hurts knowing how most of them go, so give me the benefit of the doubt and tell me that everything I just listed is wrong.
Overall, the concept is kind of "iffy" at best. I'm 15, as a Freshman, and I've had these types of ideas before. I'm like "ey, what if I had powers to fucking WHOOP ass? Then I'd be a total badass!" Sadly, these ideas are just not realistic. How do you train yourself to be Corvo? Corvo can *blink* up walls, and possess rats and humans. Hell, he runs around with a crossbow, sword, and a pistol on him, AND he survives getting stabbed.
On multiple occasions.
These types of problems make the character to OP, and when they're to OP, the audience never feels like they're in any sort of danger, ESPECIALLY when the character constantly makes a comeback and survives most hardships.

That's it for my little ESSAY that I practically typed down here. But really, I'm not being a dick. Think of it as... I dunno...
Critiquing. Yeah.

Have a good day brother.

Comment posted by Blacklight Brony deleted January 10th

8559764
Ahem, the title contains an error. It should be Celebration, not selibration...and I think you need an editor, as I cannot keep pace with this story.

8577770
Ah don't worry, I know people who have stories that barely qualify as readable. Myself included

Is Dun wall a real place? And don't you mean Dunwall?

I heard nothing as I saw two women looking at me in shock. One dark blue with wings and a horn. The other black with the same extra appendages.
am i right just helping

8671384
Thinks for the help. I should have Ben more descriptive.

Can't help but notice you didn't use all of the spells. Are you going to find them during travels.

8697789
He won’t use them because there is no need. Sorry if there was confusion. But it will pick up soon. Trust me.

Not a bad chapter but I think you need to work on the dialog on the outsider. Make him sound more like he witnessing a game were he doesn't even care who wins or loses. Or maybe this is a different guy who saw how Corvo chose the low chaos ending and that's why he has a little sympathy towards our main man here.

8844062
I would but it will make sense later. There’s a reason there’s two voids

I don't mean to hate on ya mate. I really don't. But God this is bad. Progression is all over the place, details are strewn about in no particular order, the things in the school (classes) are pretty inaccurate to how any school work. Periodic table is generally freshman stuff. And I've never seen a single school do obstacle course. Now this is could b a chalked up to the fact that it's dunwall, but it's a poor excuse. The guy was "trained to use a sword, trained in parkour" but you don't give any detail into it. Those aren't things your just taught out of the blue or easily. Their prodigies, *cough* Gary Stu *cough*. 100 laps around the damn track? That's 25 fucking miles. EXTREMELY unrealistic, especially for teenagers, let alone in a highschool. I get it. He's a main character... Cops don't just say what happened infront of an entire class, nor do they go find someone IN class unless they're fugitives. They wouldn't let someone have the things in that chest. Especially a kid. Why the parents know they are descendants is confusing and pointless. Just terrible plot convience. The outsider just GIVING the powers is kinda bad writing. Why there is a news crew is beyond me... And even the grammar is bad. How people say their sentences, and spelling. I don't even know what to say about this... Except that it's a steaming pile of crap. Again, I don't mean to hate on you man, but I just had to point this shit out. I like Dishonored as much as the next guy, and I'm glad you had the gumption to begin writing. Keep at it, of course. I hope you got better as the story continued, but I'm not likely to find out because this first chapter just completely turned me away from it.

9026323
I completely forgot about this and just went with it. At the time when I made this it was around two or three am. If you look at Prototype: The Kind Evolve, you will understand because this was directly after all that. Also there is no stamina bar in the game so I can’t judge how far they can run. Not to mention the periodic table is mostly used in eleventh grade in my school system. Also, to fix the first first chapter, I have to complete change it. After this next chapter, I will TRY to rewrite it and, to be honest, this was mostly to help me in my ELA class as we had to write stories.

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