Princess Luna invites the CMC to drink with her. The CMC can't handle their alcohol.
Art drawn by Bean
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen 6 days ago
Jinzou
I have been known to write smol horse words on occasion.
Jinzou
Joined 28th Jun, 2013 ·
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I don’t know why I decided to read this, but I regret nothing.
10209680
Hey man! I got around to reading this. It's pretty good! Just a few things I noticed, which I will showcase with a few examples (though they are not the only instances in the story):
This would have worked better if you just said they exchanged worried glances or something similar. You're sliding into the TELL department with this wording, and of course it's always better to SHOW. I noticed a few instances like this. Remember to focus on writing words that create imagery for your readers. Two ponies "wondering" does not create imagery. "Wondering" is a theoretical concept. But if you write that the two fillies exchange a mutual look of worry, a reader can picture that two of them doing that, and it's funnier than just saying they wondered and were concerned.
Plus, TELLING us outright that the ponies were concerned about riding in the attachment is not as engaging as you describing them doing something that showcases that, and letting the reader connect the dots (if they exchange worried glances right after Scootaloo talks about her last scooter accident, we can put one and one together... and it's funny!)
Oh, and "started to" and similar verbs are best cut as they don't generally add anything and are just filler.
Don't be afraid to use a character's name to refer to them. Every time you use a pronoun instead, it takes the reader out of the story for a hair of a second because he or she needs to remember who the pronoun is referring to. The longer the paragraph, the more confusing it gets as it continues. There's nothing wrong with saying "Applebloom" a few times per paragraph. If it ends up being TOO much, consider re-wording your sentences.
The scene with Applebloom's hallucination in the bar didn't work for me and in my opinion didn't make sense. Getting drunk doesn't cause hallucinations (trust me, I've gotten drunk as a skunk many a time in my years). If they were doing drugs, maybe.
When using Luna's Royal voice (or whatever it's called), don't use all-caps. It's too distracting and hard to read. Bold, larger, or different font words would all work better.
The concept overall is refreshing. Can't say I have stumbled upon a story before wherein the CMC gets hammered with one of the princesses. I enjoyed this for what it was! But, I wish you spent more time on them in the bar and built up to the CMC and Luna getting drunk together. Maybe introduce some stallion regulars of the bar and have Applebloom challenge one of them to a hoofwrestle, or maybe the CMC and Luna start singing bar songs together with the regulars. You know, stuff like that. I wish you had went further with the concept.
All of that being said, good work
10209805
First things first, thank you for your review.
I took out the all caps. I did leave some areas in for emphasis, but I feel I used them sparingly enough. Good call on that. And on the "show, don't tell".
I tried to improve the bit your were talking about with not being afraid to use the character's name several times in one paragraph. That's actually been a constant source of struggle with me ever since I picked writing back up recently.
Yeah the hallucinations were a weird choice. I hope what I replaced them with is good too, though.
I'll draw up some plans and build the drinking part itself up more in the future, because that could, as you said yourself, improve it a bit.
But here's my line of thinking about the whole "hanging out with others in the bar" thing. I'm definitely not against it. But growing up in a small town much like Ponyville, I could probably say if I saw the President enter and start drinking with a bunch of random kids, I'd probably get the hell out of there because sticking around would be inviting trouble. So I had AB wrestle and sing with Luna. Do you think this is still good, or should I bring other drunk bar-goers in?
Anyway, thank you again for the review.
Not the end I have hoped for, but it's still great.
Now, where is that damn vodka from earlier????
10211229
I was actually a little dissapointed by the ending too. Do you have any suggestions?
10210523
You're very welcome!
Well, you can totally have all the ponies leave the bar in fear, that's fine too, but maybe add that as a scene. A scene of all the stallions clearing the building so they don't get in trouble, lol. But imagine all of the things you could do with other ponies being there, too. You could even throw in an actual character from the show, like Big Mac, idk. The sky is the limit! Ultimately my point was, you could have made the story longer and added more stuff that happened in the bar that night, or kept the story the same length and just shortened the build-up before they get to the bar (It really all could have been summarized in a paragraph and then the story could have started right outside the bar.)
Nothing I pointed out was really a big, bad no-no. They were all just mere suggestions that might improve your future stories, coming from a reader!
Keep it up :)
10211824
Hey, no worries. I'll always take suggestions. But yeah, that's actually a really good idea. I dunno about adding somebody like Big Mac, he might have words to say about his sister getting drunk with a princess, but I might add somebody else. And I can shorten the intro.
10211851
Lol.
Oh yeah, I forgot that Big Mac and Applebloom are related
Again, I was just providing suggestions, or general ideas to get your brain juices flowing. I'm not saying they're all good ideas and that you should follow through :P
10211867
I know right? You never see those two together.
But yeah, a story can always stand to improve and this one could use that.
10211553
Let all four off them wake up in Princess Lunas privat chambers snuggled together and covered in a sticky substant (NO, not that!!!). To top it all of let them Princess Celestia walk in only a short moment later, while they are still trying to find out what happened.
10212162
That has several... unfortunate implications
10212174
That is exactly why it would be so funny.
10212174
Or you could have just let RD walk in at the end, complaining that she wasn't invited earlier.
10212194
That'd actually be a really dope ending. I might have to steal that one. Or have her come in with Flutters.
10212195
Do as you please.
I regret nothing too.
Humor is hard and you hit the nail on the head. Nothing that jerked me out of the story but a continual flow of just small chuckles and smiles all the way through. Loved it.
10244502
Aww, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks for the kind words. If you wanted to do this trade again, I'd be down. It's always good to see somebody who appreciates best horse as much as I do.
I love random stories like this. Great job!
10306499
Thanks!
do you think it was a good idea for luna to let the cmc drink jinzou ?
10571912
Nope.
But it was funny to me.
tell that to the cmc sisters it's not going to be funny to tham
Hi, I remember you messaging me some time ago (last year to be exaxt) and you gave me a review (witch I'm currently re-writing) and you asked me to read this. I apologize for the long delay but I'm happy to inform you I did read this and I have to say I enjoyed ever bit of it. The only thing I noticed (that were flaws) was I got a bit confused who was who for a bit although that might just be me.
Still, I apologize for the lack of a response. Hope to see more from you
10626848
Wow, I would totally have forgotten that deal if you didn't remind me.
Thanks for the read! Glad you enjoyed! I'll take a look at the pronoun issue later, maybe clean it up a bit.
Lol when I was recording this I had to look up the pronunciation of pulchritudinous
'Pulchritude means physical beauty or attractiveness. ... The adjective form of pulchritude is pulchritudinous, meaning beautiful. '
10684407
Recording what?
Also yes. The mini marshmallow uses the big ol words.
10684741
I'm making an audiobook for you remember?
10684782
Honestly no. I have the memory of a goldfish. (The cracker, not the animal)
"I've been here since before time immemorial." Sweetie Belle said mysteriously, before rolling of Scootaloo's lap and landing on the floor with a soft oof.
Neat story, also it should be off, not of.
11034273
Fixed!