A new family has moved to Ponyville, and Pinkie Pie wants to be their friend. However, as she gets to know them, she realizes there is more to the situation than meets the eye.
Profanity warning for some offensive slurs.
Chapters (1)
LetsThinkPositive
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just wanna say, great story, you should be proud
9864912
Thank you so much!
9865036
Really means a lot, thank you!
i found this on my front page by a whim, and im happy i clicked!! this was such a sweet story, im so glad nimble got to be in a good and loving home in the end
9865155
He deserves it! Thank you for reading!
great story 10/10 maybe you could do more nimble stories in the future if you wanted too of course
9865419
I didn't start this story imagining I would make a sequel to it, but now I can definitely see the possibilities. I probably will someday. Thanks for the read!
I used to be sad that the frontpage system changed, but after reading this... I've changed my mind! this is a good, in character story that doesn't go completely over the top edge, and yet still retains a bit of that icky realism that makes some pony stories really good.
Maybe it's been a while since my last good oneshot, but still, this is good!
I want to start by applauding you for trying to tackle such difficult and emotionally fraught subject matter, like child abuse and homophobia. I'm also really gratified to see a story with a clear, rigidly three-act structure; there's clear progression between the different plot elements and a gradual escalation resulting in a climax and a resolution. I'm not trying to damn you with faint praise; nailing down a sense of structure and organization in a short story like this is difficult, but it's one of the stronger elements in yours.
That being said, the overall story being told within that structure leaves a lot to be desired. There are aspects to your approach that I think you could work on, and tweak, for future stories, especially if you intend to carry on with the Nimble Hoof character, and tell more stories about him and Mama Ponka.
I'll start with exposition. Background information about the characters and setting are inharmoniously worked into the story, at times breaking the narrative flow of the scenes you're trying to construct. For example, at the beginning of the story, the narrative winds to a halt while Pinkie Pie, through inner monologue, reflects on who Steel and Nimble are, and what brought them to Ponyville. It's very clearly information being presented for the benefit of the audience, rather than the scene and the characters, and while you do need to communicate all of that, there are more effective ways to do it. A short conversation between Pinkie and Steel about what brought them to Ponyville, his work, their familial situation, what brought them to the Sugarcube Corner party in the first place, would allow you to convey the same information, but in a more natural way.
It also gives the characters a chance to speak for themselves; you could say a lot more about Steel's character by just having him talk to Pinkie than by having Pinkie narrate who he is to the reader. Maybe she notices inconsistencies in his story, or realizes that he and Nimble never stay in one place too long; he doesn't stay long enough for her to get more information out of him, but you've sown the seed for the plot twist at the end of the story.
Speaking of character, the way that the bond between Pinkie and Nimble develops is a little uneven, inconsistent. I can definitely see her walking him home from the party as the foundation for some kind of bond between them, but the way that he starts opening up to her after that strikes me as abrupt, rather than the product of gradual, deepening trust. In a few days, he's gone from cautious acceptance of her company to coming out of the closet to her, something that it's implied he never does with anybody, and something which he immediately regrets sharing with her.
Shouldn't someone with as much shame and self-loathing centered around his sexuality be much, much more resistant to sharing it with someone he just met? Even if it's Pinkie Pie? Rather than confirming what she said immediately? I can see him trying to maybe deny it initially, but just outright outing himself to her?
(Also, it's kind of a dick move for Pinkie to just blurt out such an intimate question when he's plainly uncomfortable talking about this at all; it seems to have worked out alright, but still, it's uncharacteristically unempathetic)
I'm also gonna be That Guy and critique the way you handle Nimble's sexuality.
So, this is a story about child abuse and parental neglect. Along with those themes, we have the core ideas of Nimble not living up to his father's expectations about masculinity in general, and Nimble's father not accepting his son's sexuality in specific. But the latter them is entirely incidental to the story. In less wordy terms, Nimble's sexuality is treated like an important idea, but narratively speaking... it's not. Despite having attention drawn to it, Nimble being gay doesn't play any kind of meaningful role in the narrative. It isn't even entirely clear from the story that Steel is aware Nimble's gay. His abuse doesn't seem centered on Nimble being gay, but on (what my friend Oroboro would describe as) Nimble transgressing against gendered norms.
And I think that's fine, but if Steel thinks his son is gay because of his talent for baking, and Nimble actually is gay, then that's just... coincidental.
Now, I'm not saying that a character's sexuality should be explicitly dealt with, or it should go completely unmentioned, as a general rule of writing. But if you're trying to tell a story about child abuse based on homophobia, then it absolutely should play more of a role than it it is right here. As you've written it, Nimble coming out to Pinkie is done entirely for the audience's benefit, to add an additional layer of tragedy to the story, rather than for the benefit of the narrative, where it could be excised entirely to no detriment to the story.
To put it another way: Imagine if Nimble hadn't been caught fighting Snails, but kissing him. On the cheek, or something, because they're still little kids. And imagine if his father found out about that, and that, as much as Pinkie baking with him and getting him a non-butch cutie mark in the process, set off Daddy Steel.
Or just leave it subtextual, and avoid ever confirming Nimble's sexuality; hint at it through action (like refusing to flirt with Sweetie) and dialogue (hastily changing the subject when Pinkie brings it up) while keeping the focus on his disinterest in stereotypically masculine pursuits.
Right now, it's inelegantly worked into the story, rather than being part of the juicy blend of narrative ingredients you're pouring up.
The last thing I'm going to critique here is the story's climax. The heart of my criticism here is that Pinkie resolves the conflict by basically getting someone else to resolve the conflict for her.
Since Pinkie Pie is the protagonist, you'd expect Pinkie Pie to be the driving force behind resolving the conflict and pushing toward that resolution. As a story element, confronting Steel at the house works well enough; it's the kind of proactive behavior that you'd expect from Pinkie Pie. It's good. It's great.
Then Twilight, God-Princess of Friendship and Ruler of the Free World, shows up, lays down the law, and takes Nimble away from his abusive father. Because Pinkie Pie asked her to. As soon as Pinkie Pie talks to Twilight (punching her in the face in the process; that, incidentally, was an amusing little sight gag), all tension is gone from the story, because everybody knows what's about to happen.
I'm sure you know what a deus ex machina is. A lot of times, a deus ex machina crops up because a previously unmentioned story element appears at the end to fix the problem; something from outside the narrative wraps up the conflict, rather than the solution to the conflict arising from something within the story. That's what's going on here. Twilight has had no part in the story up until now, but she's brought in at the end to solve the problem and put Nimble into a loving foster home.
It's also a literal deus ex machina, because Twilight Sparkle is the God-Princess of Friendship and Ruler of the Free World.
(I have just been told that this is half-literal, because while Twilight is a god, she is not coming out of a machine)
Like, I can see the temptation to involve her in the story. That's a problematic aspect for a lot of ponyfic, because post-season three, Pinkie and friends are literally best friends with one of Equestria's rulers, who is morally, ethically, and through the bonds of friendship bound to find solutions to people's problems. But it devalues Pinkie as a protagonist by having her seek a solution from Twilight, rather than push for a solution on her own, using her own talents and wiles to save Nimble from his dad. Especially since Pinkie Pie, herself, is a national hero.
It's like if Luke Skywalker saw a guy beating his girlfriend in public... and called the space-police on him, rather than intervene himself.
(also I think Twilight's approach here is kinda weird; why does she need to gather evidence for a court case; she is literal royalty and just saw this guy trashing his son and giving sketchy explanations for why he has a black eye; he also assaulted Pinkie Pie; she could have him arrested and Nimble put in foster care before sundown, if she wanted to)
On a final note: I think there's a tonal push-and-pull going on here, between the IRL themes of abuse and homophobia that you're trying to explore, and the setting of the show. That's a problem that, again, a lot of ponyfic has to navigate carefully, because we don't associate things like gratuitous violence and bigotry with the colorful and friendly world of Equestria. If we're not careful, then integrating such subject matter into a story that's trying to hew closely to the themes of the MLP universe might not work out. It could come across as gratuitous, unnecessary, or even comical.
I'm sorry to say, I don't think your approach to fusing MLP with more adult subject matter is working. This is the kind of thing show!Pinkie Pie might say if Gilda called Fluttershy a dorkus-malorkus, or something, not the kind of thing an empathetic, socially progressive young
womanmare says to a father who drops the f-slur on his own son. If you want a more worldly and (I hate myself for using this word) "grittier" Equestria as the setting for your story, then that, too, is something you need to lean into.Finding the right balance between cartoony and worldly is difficult, and takes time to really nail, and if I knew the secret to getting it absolutely right, I'd tell you in a heartbeat. It's something to work on for future stories, however.
I know that this story is getting heaps of praise, and even wound its way into the featured box, which is how I found it. I'm sorry that I am not one of the chorus of voices singing its praises. But I found too many narrative and thematic flaws in it to give it... uh, whatever seal of quality that I'd give stories (if such a seal I indeed gave). There's potential here, and if you take an honest self-assessment of this story's shortcomings, you could probably turn out stronger and more effective stories in this continuity, if you wanted to keep running with it.
So. Keep at it, I guess.
9867583
Hello!
I thank you for taking the time to thoroughly criticize my story. As I read through it there were concerns that I myself had already thought of, such as the rushed moments. I began writing it wanting it to be a one-shot, but it sorta grew larger as I thought of more ideas. I wondered not long after I submitted if I should've made it a multi-chapter fic, but by that point it was too late. There were other concerns that didn't pass through my mind as much but I certainly agreed with, such as the handling of Nimble Hoof's character or the deus ex machina ending. Anyway, as I formulate ideas for a potential sequel I will definitely take what you said into account. I'm only just beginning, so improvement is my biggest concern.
As to how this made it in featured... I'm still kind of baffled it did, but I'm grateful for the support I've gotten, critical or no.
I agree with most of what Posh said, and I don't think I can improve on it, so I'll just go a compliment. This is an intense story, and I'm glad things went the way they did. Certainly having Pinkie Pie challenge Steel Beam herself would have been intense, but the character is so unlikeable (I started realizing something was off with him early on), but quite frankly I'm glad Pinkie brought in the Twilinuke.
While certainly not the grittiest thing I have ever read, nor the most d'aww inspiring, I always appreciate when authors attempt to touch upon difficult subjects in a world like Equestria, not because I enjoy ponies being jerks to each other, but for some reason I find that human-centric tales often hit too close to home, whereas with ponies I can feel for the characters without the instinctual "gag-reflex" if you will, when I hear stories like this in non-fiction. Also, in non-fiction things are often written in ways that just don't quite engage the reader, they are for a lack of better words boring.
I wish you success on the sequel and any other stories you write in the future.
While this isn't exactly an MLP story, it is a well done story on abuse and mistreatment.
8/10.
Very touching! This is really well written and an interesting concept, great job! :)
Honestly: Nimble Hoof was rather jarring. He's presented as a child, but it doesn't feel like he's a child. It doesn't feel like he should be in elementary school, with the CMCs.
Edit: Here's the problem. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but here's a line from the start of the story:
Nimble doesn't act or sound like a pre-pubescent child, in the rest of the story. I think it'd make more since to have him be 12 to 14, then to have him be an elementary-school age colt.
i support the hell outta LGBTQ+, this gets 5 stars in my book!
9868644
The sad truth is that mistreated kids often do behave this way. Because of their lives, they don't really get to be carefree.
Hence why Nimble Hoof, for example, isn't excited about a party.
9869044
I don't mean him not being excited about a party.
9869059
It isn't just the party. The combination of a bullying dad and his shame about being gay means he doesn't have the attitude of a child.
9869077
Actuality, him being gay is part of it. It's not that common for a pre-pubesent boy to be homosexual, or heterosexual. Because they're not sexual. Sexuality comes with puberty.
So unless he thinks he's gay, for the same reason a child might think he's Superman: I don't think he's exactly acting like a child there.
9868644
I get where you're coming from. The show itself is ambiguous enough about the ages of these characters that it makes it kinda hard to pinpoint exactly where they are developmentally. I myself kind of imagined them around 12 years old by this point, near the end of grade school. Speaking from my experiences, that's when I started having real sexual feelings.
Good story, I really enjoyed reading this. I made a story about Pinkie Pie dealing with an abused foal last year.
Added to Pinkie Pie Stories.
Well done!
9869087 *glances at your profile*
Hey, a blog containing the proclamation that "LGBT stuff doesn't belong in kids' television."
Okay, so now we know where you're coming from, and we can discount your opinion on the subject of sexuality altogether. Thanks!
9869389
Ten or twenty years ago: LGBT stuff in kids' shows was unthinkable. Now suddenly: Anyone who thinks that is a flat-earthier who should be mocked?
I could mock you for that. I do honestly find it hard to take you seriously, when you think that the winds and fads of your decade are some sort of unquestionable dogma. But maybe we could just not mock each-other, and instead, have an intelligent respectful conversation about this fanfiction.
And if you want to have a civilized respectful conversation about LGBT stuff in kids' shows, we can do that in PM.
9869410 you must need a lot of lotion, with all the hand-wringing that you do
9869419
This is disappointing. You saw an opinion you disagreed with, and your response is to throw childish insults.
Honestly, I used to lean in favor of the LGBT movement. But attitudes like yours slowly turned me against it. And that's sad.
People like Nimble Hoof, they deserve our compassion. For you to use people like Nimble as a weapon, an excuse to be mean to others: That's low! I don't think Pinkie would approve. But I bet Nimble's father would approve. Because the mocking insults you're giving me, they're probably not so different from the mocking insults Steal Beam gives his son.
9869454 i feel such utter shame at having disappointed a bigot 😔
9869454
9869530
Imagine existing in the MLP fandom and being unironically heterosexual. 😬
Good job on character portrayal.
9869676
us JJBA fans say HELLOOOO!!!!!
Also dear Celestia this story was sad and morbid
great job