Truckers Can Handle Anything

by Syke Jr

Hard to Handle

Since our worlds collided, it’s been mostly earth ponies I’ve had the chance to interact with. I don’t know if it’s negative stereotyping, or whatever, but out of the pony races it seems the earth variety are the most… well, down-to-earth. Generally calm, personable (ponyable?) and stoically hardworking. I’ve known them to happily pull around multi-tonne loads on the daily and use the fact that they barely seem to need sleep to pull insanely long shifts in jobs where that’s a plus. Like trucking.

It’s among the trucker ponies that I’ve found a kindred spirit; a friend. I’m an insomniac, working all afternoon and staying up all night, hibernating for half a day maybe once or, if I’m lucky, twice a week. She drives trucks up and down the state for twelve, sixteen, eighteen-hour stretches. We keep in touch via the modern equivalent of CB radio— that is, computerized VOIP chat— and meet up for drinks on the nights we can.

Or, we did.

She got fired yesterday.

I mentioned how most earth ponies are, personality-wise? Yeah. She’s not like that.

“An— *hic* —now I havta eith’r move to adiffer’nt state, or find another— *hic* job! Nopony’s gonna hire me aroun’ here any more! ‘S horseapples!”

I just nod, taking a long swig of my hard cider. It’s probably around the tenth time Windleaf has reiterated her situation to anybody who’ll listen, which is pretty much down to just me. The rest of the bar’s patrons have either called it a night or moved away from the ranting little green pony. A couple of women are surreptitiously videoing her with their phones. I shoot them a pointed glare and they quickly pretend to be doing something else. When I don’t look away they leave.

I turn back to Windleaf with a sigh as she finishes off her own bottle of cider; I’ve lost count of the number she’s had. It’s a good thing she makes—well, made—such good money because the pony can put alcohol away with frightening ease for someone so small. She’s probably around twenty bottles deep.

“Issa— whadjacallit— traversty,” she says to me, waving the bartender over. “Yeah so I prob’ly shoulda noticed. I shoulda. I know that. But they really gotta— *hic* fire me overit? Nopony’s gonna hire me—”

“—around here anymore, I know, Windy.” I shoot the bartender a look as he approaches, subtly giving him the ‘cutoff’ signal with my free hand. “And that’s enough cider for tonight.”

“Awwww, c’mon,” Windleaf says, blinking with one eye then the other. “The night is— *hic*— young.”

“It’s really not,” I say, glancing at the bar’s clock. “And anyway, didn’t you say you were tired of driving trucks around?”

“Yeeeeaaah,” the pony says, pushing her little army of empties away and pouting a little. “But issnot like there’s any better jobs out there. An’ I don’wanna go back to ‘Qestria. This world is… bigger.”

“If you like how big the world is, maybe take this chance to see a little more of it. You’ve been driving up and down Michigan for years now.”

“Ech.” She waves a hoof. “Don’ need to actually go places. Jus’ knowing they’re out there is good enough. Truckin’s easy.”

“I mean,” I say after a pause, “you say that but you did, like, steal a truck by accident yesterday. And two months ago you didn’t notice your trailer wasn’t actually hitched.”

“It was dark!” she shouts. “I’d like to see you do it, misser I-can-tell-two-identical-trucks-apart, bucking asshole, talkin’ likeiss my— *hic* fault that pony left his keys inna ignition—”

“Woah, alright,” I say with a laugh. “Sorry, sorry. Look. Say you didn’t move out of state. What else would you want to do for a job?”

She suddenly looks sullenly bashful. “...I’on wanna say,” she says. “‘S dumb.”

“Nah, c’mon. Tell me.”

“...wanna race cars.”

“What was that?”

“I wanna— *hic* —race cars, okay?!” She folds her forelegs and looks away. “Go on an’ laugh.”

“I ain’t laughin’,” I say after a surprised pause. “That’s fucking cool. You think you could do that?”

A shrug. “I only ever drove trucks. But I got inna car once and I could just about reach evverthin’ with the seat way forward. I jus’ wan’ed to take it as fast as it could go.” She frowns. “Didn’t turn out to be— *hic*— very fast. Wassa shitbox.”

“I mean,” I say, “There’s places around here to give it a try. Dirt tracks, you know.”

“Maybe for humans,” Windleaf says. “I called one before. They said no ponies cuzza insurance or somethin’. ‘S embarrasing anyway.”

“Nothing embarrassing about it. Driving is fun. Real fun.” I realise something. “I never told you ‘bout my, uh… investment, did I?”

“No?” she responds after a moment of thought.

“Well. I gotta car. A, uh… fast car.” I know being a little buzzed is fuelling my next words but I can’t quite stop them. I feel an overwhelming urge to cheer up the little pony. “I bought it as an investment. It’s in a garage, but… I could get it out for you. Show you what it’s like in a fast car.”

Her eyes widen. “You for serious??”

I nod.

Before I know it the wind’s knocked out of me and I’m falling fast to the floor. Windleaf had lunged out of her stool to hug me and taken us both down, along with both stools and my half-full bottle.

There on the floor we laugh, me at the absurdity and her in happiness over my offer.

We get kicked out of the bar.

⠀
***
Two days later
***
⠀

“I don’t know,” I say with a sigh. “I know you’re confident, but…” I look back at my Nissan. “She’s a little bit hard to handle.”

“Come onnnnnn!” Windleaf is adamant. We’re stopped on the side of a winding road next to my Japanese import GTI-R. I just took the little pony on the ride of her life. Her eyes are wide and she can’t keep a grin off her face. I wish I could go back to my first time experiencing boost like that. “You said you’d let me back in the bar!”

“I did not,” I counter. “I remember better than you, believe me. I said I’d show you what it’s like to go fast. I never promised you driving privileges.”

“But how else will I know if the driving thing is for me?” The pony is doing her annoyingly-effective pleading face now. “I swear if this goes well I’ll just get my own car and never drive this one again!”

I sigh. Would it really be that much of a risk? She is a professional driver, after all. And I can turn the boost down. And tell her to take it easy. The four-wheel drive makes it pretty safe, even at speed.

Internally I feel myself relent.

“You have to promise,” I say, “to take it slow in the corners. And don’t redline.”

Again I’m being hugged by something with far too much weight for its size. I stagger a little.

“Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Let’s go!”

Before I can say anything else she’s hopping in the driver’s seat and putting the belt on. Sighing, but not unhappily, I get in next to her. “Okay. Now, the thing about this car is—” but she’s already done adjusting her seat by the time I start talking.

Before I know it the clutch has been dumped and we’re jolting into first at 3500rpm. “—ohhfuck!” is what my statement becomes.

The pony laughs as we careen into the first bend, already in second gear and starting to absolutely fly. “Windleaf TAKE IT EASY—”

“I am!” the pony lies.

“Dammit Windy I’m not gonnaaaaa—!”

“Wheeeeee!” We’re taking another bend as she shifts up into third. The wheels squeal angrily but the grip holds. “I’m a leaf on the wind!”

“This isn’t the time for references, Windy, you’re gonna kill us—”

“Stop being dramatic.” We’re on a straight now and about to hit 100mph.

“Look just STOP—”

At my word she hits the brakes, hard. It feels like my face is being pulled off; I have good brakes and we’re at a standstill in a matter of seconds.

I turn angrily to the giggling pony in the driver’s seat. I open my mouth but she’s faster.

“Hard to handle, my flank.”

Comments

[Admiral Biscuit]

I approve.

I know the protagonist's feelings, I got to ride shotgun in a Subaru Tanner Faust was rallying. Eighty on a two-track, in the rain.

I hope Windleaf has a successful career as a race car driver.

[Emil]

Steal a truck by accident? How?

[Syke Jr]

9833105
I've heard truckers can be lazy and leave the keys in the ignition when they stop for coffee. Same model of truck, same laziness, she just got in the wrong one and full-on failed to notice.

Sure, a highly unlikely scenario, but a funny one.

[Syke Jr]

9833058
you rode shotgun with Tanner?? That's wild. It must have been awesome.

That's my car, both in the fic and cover image, by the way.

[bahatumay]

W- where’s the rest of it?

[Super Trampoline]

By the title I thought this was a 9833058 story.

[Bittercup]

I favorited ahead of time, before reading.

I knew I trusted my heart for a reason, this was a delightful romp.

Excellent job.

[Venerable Ro]

I suppose an earth pony could handle a car at those speeds pretty well, they're plenty strong. Sure pegasai are the stereotype but look in a stock car and tell me where those big flappy wings are going to go.

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

[Admiral Biscuit]

9833115
Somebody stole my wrecker that way. Could totally happen.

(To be fair, he just drove it to the other side of the building to mess with me, but the point holds.)

[AlwaysDressesInStyle]

Nice story & nice ride! I've only come across one Pulsar GTI-R to date:

images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/2908cd95-ef02-41e7-a303-eeeb79bd81af/ddg8by7-a08a64c1-be99-48ea-ac48-02b564b31b4f.jpg/v1/fill/w_1280,h_834,q_75,strp/1_by_alwaysdressesinstyle_ddg8by7-fullview.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9ODM0IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvMjkwOGNkOTUtZWYwMi00MWU3LWEzMDMtZWVlYjc5YmQ4MWFmXC9kZGc4Ynk3LWEwOGE2NGMxLWJlOTktNDhlYS1hYzQ4LTAyYjU2NGIzMWI0Zi5qcGciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.ihCT7xLgH6DeLqvWVMQeXK4ImSEjCJD0Uw8DhGdbh64

[Booster Spice]

If she wants fun, should go for the psychos.

Caterham 7, Ariel Atom.

Austin Mini Cosworth.

ARG.. just remembered, theres news about the Bently Blower being made once more. A 1930s (?) race car that one story had it, Sir Stirling Moss discovered that at 120 mph if you floored it, the torque broke traction and you got wheelspin.

That, and taking his pilot freind out for a easy 100 mph drive round the Cotswolds one day, had his freind complaining because if he tried flying that fast in his biplane, the wings would come off.

[Syke Jr]

9834015
My headcanon is that she gets a Wrexie. One of the bugeye ones. And enters the Detroit SCCA Rallycross.

Maybe I'll even write it, if people want it.

[Booster Spice]

9834086

How about a Class B Super Metro?

Big in Europe, so much it got made illegal. At least, for Cross Country Rallying?

Or maybe pick up an old copy of Colin McCrea Rally and the console to try it on?

[Syke Jr]

9834133
somehow I think a rare classic MG would be slightly harder and more expensive to obtain in Michigan compared to a WRX.

[Booster Spice]

9834158

Its suprising what falls off the back of a truck.

[Georg]

"They said no ponies cuzza insurance or somethin’...."

Yeah. That and a general track speed limit.

[Dan]

... And then she dragged him into the back seats and agressively straddled him.

[Syke Jr]

9834348
derpicdn.net/img/2015/5/17/898720/full.png

[Dan]

9834470
Adrenaline high.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/2/9/238068.png

[Lord Legion]

Nice little story here. Even better that it took place in Michigan.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Beer, trucks, unreasonable speed, adorable ponies... Yeah, this is some Biscuity goodness right here. Thank you for it.

9833504
And now I'm imagining a pegasus on the F1 circuit taking out all the bits of the racer that create negative lift. "What? You humans have raced planes since you were monkeys! I saw this documentary on it, Diddy Kong Racing."

[theoldenbrony]

This needs a full multi-chapter story!

[theoldenbrony]

9833119
Why is the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car?

[anunenka]

9833105
9833115

Some trucking companies also use the same key for all their trucks. I almost climbed into another driver's rig because of that....

[Mica]

9906371
Steering wheel is on the right side of the car in countries that drive on the left side of the road, such as UK, Australia, Japan, and India. It's not the "wrong side."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-_and_right-hand_traffic

[theoldenbrony]

9973526
That was a light hearted jab at those countries, the emoticons at the end should have been a clue to that. Has this world become so hyper-sensitive that you can tell a joke any more?

[Mica]

9973572
Sorry I honestly didn't read your sarcasm. You never know sometimes.

[theoldenbrony]

9973576
Its OK, On a side note. driving a right hand drive vehicle in the US is a unique experience, I used to do maintenance on the USPS LLV vehicles (The little box delivery trucks), and after growing up driving while sitting on the left side of the vehicle, driving while sitting on the right really takes some getting used to. Also going to the wrong side of the vehicle to get in is embarrassing, In case anyone wanted to know, most of the LLV's are just right hand drive S-10 pickup frames with a Pontiac 4 cylinder engine.