Something something Hi my name is Eerie something something. I’m new at writing but I want to get better
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Sunset Shimmer spends her time in Canterlot mostly alone. Aside from receiving lessons from Princess Celestia and telling the royal chefs that she’s hungry, she doesn’t have much pony to pony interaction. That is until some idiotic colt sneaks into the royal gardens.
Currently being rewritten! I haven’t forgetten!
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Criticism greatly appreciated. This is my first time posting my writing in a public space and I wanna get better at this.
Though I am nowhere near as adept as some people on this site are at writing, I have to say that there was little grammatical errors and some showing of run-on sentemces; though besides that I like it.This is actually a very good and precedingly interesting start to your story, it's gotten me waiting for what happens next.
Not bad a different idea should be Interesting.
I dont like it
It lacks much of the potential humanity it could have
Very predictable relations, Sounds like one personality wrote this which is 99% of cases with many literature
Hmmm. Interesting. I think I saw a hint of something in Sunset's words, especially one choice word. people Those aren't in Equestria, and she alluded to somewhat remembering the name of hair dye, so I have to wonder if she has hints of memories from a past life/rerun of times before the show. Though I could be wrong and I'm looking into it too much. I do think this is an interesting premise with great potential. Good grammar, no noticeable spelling or punctuation mistakes, a decent pacing, so far it's better than a large number of stories on this website. Keep up the good work E.E.
Honestly, I have a temper problem so if sunset talked to me that way, it would have went down entirely different. Also, I’m guessing Iridescent is from another world?
This is good.
10506758
Feedback noted and appreciated. I’ll give it a second look!
10507767No memory shenanigans I assure you. At least not with sunset. Cough cough. I made a little error.
Thank you for the kind words!
Is that Haitian Creole?
I actually laughed at this part.
She would not be helpful in these type of situations.
Also, how old is Jessie/Iridescent?
Hum, interesting story so far, I can't wait to see what bonehead situation Iridescence and Sunset are going to find themselves in. I wonder how he got there and who is taking care of him, is he a homeless pony or something? I wonder if he was a already a brony before all of this? I how old are they actually the both of them in that time line and will they be going to the EqG world together? I wonder who else we will see in that story?
Anyway if you are ever looking to commission for you own cover art you can contact me, I have done a good number of HiE stories cover are here is my DA gallery and here is my youtube channel if you want to take a look. Hope to hear from you and I wish good luck on your story.
10520608
Cover artist, eh? I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you for the offer!
10520156
16 in the human world and he de-aged a bit coming over. He’s 14 as a pony. (May have forgot to add the detail because of my smooth brain, but between you and me it’s just a typing error)
10520002
Indeed! Though not a proper translation, I do say the phrase under my breath when in a less than desirable situation. It roughly means “God damn it”
10529063
I was asking because I didn’t know if he was an adult or not. Also, I wanted to see if a could calculate sunset’s age.
Does Iridescent actually have a home or was he lying about his mom?
10529099
Sunset is also 14 here. I like to think she de-aged a little going into the EQG world.
10534011
De-aged?
On second thought, scratch what I said completely. I have not had my coffee today.
This is a fun story love to see the growth the charecter will have
Is she trying to talk sh*t?
Is iridescent ever gonna talk back to her?
What was she gonna say?
Wait, is the chef a stallion or mare?
I’m not even surprised she doesn’t have friends.
Is he coming up with this on the fly?
Oh no, that would be my time to go.
Thank god
How does he know that?
Hmm, Sunsets reaction seems very familiar.
My girl's a dere
A tsun tsundere
Just saying hi gets me a punch in the face
And if i should compliment her, she starts to chase
I see great potential for this story. There aren't many occasions where I can find a character arc that begins with a person actually being mean and having a reasonable progression from jerk to friend, but I actually think you can pull it off. Keep up the great work!
Oh fun chapter Look's like Iridescence is a Brony if he makes such wild conclusions on Celestia's powers and normal guy would just plain not believe it and think it's part of the local superstition. I wonder what Celestia is expecting/hoping of this 'friendship' I do like the idea of him being her worthless or over enthusiastic minion.
10535141
He's in a world where pegasi move clouds and make rainbows at a factory. If I was a human turned pony, I'd be willing to believe that she could move the sun, (or at least believe that saying otherwise would be considered treason. Especially if you say it in front of her own personal student.)
10535141
Unlikely. He'd then A) Have a better cover story and B) Equestrias Sunrises etc. are obviously completely different.
This is actually really good, can't wait for updates
10534033
I don’t think you pushed the reply button, so if this reply was for me, I didn’t get it.
An interesting development. I really love stories like this where I don't know what'll happen. I don't mean stories like, "And then there was suddenly an alien invasion that wasn't alluded to!" I mean stories where the characters act in a way that's understandable but also unpredictable. The author hasn't made it overtly clear if Jessie will be the mythical and cliched Seventh Element of Harmony, if he'll become a villain, or if he'll wind up being a bust boy. He's a person that has no clear plan, and I enjoy watching characters like him go on a journey and learning more about them as we read. The same applies for Sunset too. I have no idea how she'll react. Will she think that he's trying to steal Celestia away from her, will she be happy to have someone to show off to, will she continue their magic lessons or will she get pissed off if Celestia offers to teach him magic? If so, then will she be pissed off at him for the reason I provided earlier, or will she be upset at Celestia for trying to poach a pony she's planning to mold? So MANY paths to take and no clear route, I love it! I wish this story had more of a following, because I can see some amazing potential for this story.
10568001
My prediction is that Jessie will become Sunset's unwitting but loyal minion. He'll probably end up going through the mirror with her.
10568247
Oooooh~. Interesting with a capital TRESTING. Although, that's assuming that the portal exists in this world, which could be a possibility. It'd be interesting to see the student/teacher relationship switch as Jessie tries to get Sunset acquainted with her bipedal form.
10568274
If the portal doesn't exist, Jessie will just become Spike.
10568247
or alternatively due to some magic Bullshitery, he becomes a alicorn that drive Sunset insane, it be a interesting dynamic either way
How would he know that?
Come on, was that necessary?
Does only the princess have to hear this? Because, if not I’d probably be sleeping.
You know they don’t see no action.
What was her expression?
Different how?
Is it blood?
How?
Sorry for missing the update, it just when completely under my radar. Well it was nice to learn everything about the Iridescent Situation and that his father might actually also be in this world, it adds an interesting twist to the situation and a goal for him to reach. I wonder if we will see that guard again later in the story? I wonder what are Celestia's plans for him, and how Sunset will use him as her minion for her evil plans?
Sunset , stop being a tsundere. Also ouch, sorry to hear that man
He’s not gonna be your minion, get it through your thick skull.
I thought it was Jamaican?
What does she mean by that?
Are we just gonna pretend like sunset isn’t turning into a tsundere?
Hopefully it's a false positive, if not hopefully its a mild case. I've known people that have gone to the hospital, some that were merely very sick, and some who barely realized they were sick at all.
Hopefully it's a false positive. I've heard that those tests are really unreliable. Keep your hopes high, Erie.
10577666
What are you talking about? What is this sun-day you speak of?
Hum, interesting to see that a spell could be at fault of Iridescence's headaches about his father I wonder what is the link between the two of them and the fact that he comes from a Creole culture if they do actually some form of voodo rituals maybe that got them there in the first place. I do like that Iri seems to have come up with the perfect nickname for Sunset, wonder what it would lead to and if we will get the chance to explore CSfGU finally, so that we can see what it looks like ans see other students there that could be developed. Looking forward to see more of this story again soon.
10577696
Basically, someone who hides their feelings.
Welcome back to the land of the living!
Oh, and this is a nice story, too! It escaped my notice until now.
I feel like Bacon Horse is going to end up as a tsundere.
Bacon Horse and Scrambled Egg Pony. A perfect breakfast duo.
So a little background on the oc. But nothing really happened in this chapter.
Why was he really in the garden?
How long has he been a pony?
Where did he learn the magic he was trying to do?
What magic was he trying to do?
Will we met his mother?
Why did they move to canterlot?
What's the old town?
Where is sunset in her timeline for leaving?
Is she leaving?
What's she teaching him?
What does she get out of it?
What's celly doing?
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