- Member Since 17th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen 9 minutes ago
Steel Quill
A pony with too much time on his hooves and too much plot to work with, in more ways than one. Porn Pope (TM). Also on FA!
Steel Quill
Joined 17th Mar, 2014 ·
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Oh, my god! I remember that video all too well and now its in a story format. Well count me in.
9752539
Let me know what you think of it when you finish reading!
Rumble: Other mothers?
Me: Do I detect a series of sequels coming soon.
Congratz, ya got featured. 7/27/2019
9752565
9752572
I can only promise to go where my creative muse leads me. Is there a possibility of sequels? Definitely.
9752651
Awesomesauce!
I remember the video. Great work to make it into a written format and I think Rumble earned the other mothers for this.
Still, I say Scoots would suit as his marefriend.
This was a hot read. I remember the video this is based off of too.
Hope you make a sequel to this. If not for the other mothers then the one about Mr. Shy and Cookie Crumbles
9752713
Thank you very much! And we’ll see what happens!
9752699
Video, what video?
9752723
The one the story is based on and the cover is from, as mentioned in the description
I don't suppose that you'll be throwing Pear Butter in this since it has an alternate universe tag? She would be a sexy milf in my opinion.
9753199
In truth, I had to google around to see what was the fan-accepted popular names for Mrs. Shy. That name was one of the most popular results that came up, so I went with that. At least until some sort of canon name is established.
9752872
Well, I've not considered things in her direction just yet. It would be...interesting, to say the least.
9753234
It's on the derpibooru poll they're doing, too. They're going to decide on names for Fluttershy's parents, Trixie's mother, and for some reason the Sphinx.
I'm down to see a velvet Luna cadance or celestia story
I'm a sucker for Luna yeah so sue me
Go Luna
9753236
Great story
9753575
Thank you very much!
9753587
Np
Nice to see a new story from you, was a fun read!
I am become rumble, hunter of milfs
Oooooooooooo
9754345
I like where this is going.
Rumble you lucky dog.
9754753
He was my best fit for this sort of story; not to mention the video that inspired the story to begin with. With such positive reception, Rumble may get more lucky down the road.
Adds to bookshelf for reasons...
If what everyone else says is true, I'll be in for a good ride
9755058
Feel free to share what you think when you’re done reading!
I like the sounds of Rumble getting lucky with the MILF 6
There's so much to love here. I like that there was a little bit of story to setup the scenario. I love the tender coaching Rosie provided. I love the reverence and appreciation Rumble has for Rosie and the opportunity she provided for them both. I'd love to read more about them as well as when the other mothers come into the picture. I hope this becomes a series if you have the time. Thanks for creating and sharing.
9755072
Pls make a sequel! I wanna see the other mothers!
I've never read this, but seeing as it's you, it should be good. Mind if I drop a full length R&R when I do?
9908288
Not at all, go right ahead!
9908621
Kk. Reading now.
Well, I promised you a read and review, so here it is.
I like this story, it's pretty much what I'd expect from you -- clop with just enough of a plot and development to not come across as shoving two characters into proximity and yelling "NOW BANG!". There's not too much that stands out about this story, so there isn't going to be a massive commentary, but I quite liked it and will surely read again. Let's start with the positives.
1. I like the work done on Rumble. You seem to write him a lot. I'm not complaining -- boy on MILF is totally my thing and never fails to get a thumbs up out of me, especially when there's mommy talk and virginity loss happening.
2. The beginning setup for how Rumble got into the spa in the first place is really good. It justifies a shy yet low key traditionally masculine guy going for something considered girly. The element of petty revenge also was a nice touch.
3. The prose is mostly polished and has a good balance between dialogue and narration. At all times during the action the reader can easily follow and visualize what's going on.
4. Imagery in the sex was well implemented.
5. I like how you handled Mrs. Shy, specifically how you included a sort of genuine care for her partner and his wellbeing being deflowered, as well as encouraging him to be an active participant.
6. Good job addressing contraception concerns. I love that sort of attention to realism and detail.
7. You avoided precise measurements for characters. This is good, as it flows much more naturally for readers, who are going to imagine what they think looks most pleasant with the imagery provided. Nobody really understands what a 41 year old mare 74 inches in height with measurements 34L-26-38, and 155 pounds, but everyone can instantly imagine a tall older older mare with a very curvaceous hourglass figure and large breasts, yet not overweight despite having a bit of cushioning on her. And nobody really enjoys reading about the hero's super huge 15 inch cock every few lines so nobody forgets how big it is.
8. Pacing in the story was for the most part excellent. A measured approach to build anticipation is always a good thing. The only exception was how they moved from talking to doing very quickly.
9. The story is not grammatically flawless, but it's more than technically sound for it to not be a problem.
10 Pools, water, etc = awwwww yiiiiiiissssssssssssss! There's just something erotic about being with someone else but in warm water.
11. Story was kept controlled and didn't spiral. There weren't any hentai shenannagins like a spa sister walking in on Rumble fucking Posey, causing her to want to join in, leading to the other one wanting him to join in, and then Vera catches them so she just has to get in on it, too, and then their brother finds them and starts DPing them all with Rumble, and then Fluttershy shows up so we get a mom-daughter-boy threesome to cap it all off while the spa family plays together... That sort of insane thing.
12. Fantastic control of tone. Once Rumble got into the private spa pool, the story immediately took on an intimate tone that set the stage for a really lovely story about introduction to sex. The story kept its quiet intimacy, even as things went from talking to looking to touching to fucking. It actually felt like an intimate moment of discovery for Rumble and some gratifying teaching by Mrs. Shy.
13. I love the size play between the tiny Rumble and the much larger Posey. You kept it in mind the whole time, which definitely added to the MILFtastic and shota elements of the story. You're overall really good at attention to detail.
Now, issues I had with the story. Nothing spoils the story nor made me want to stop reading, but there are definitely ways it could have been better.
1. I noticed that round 2 had significantly less detail and words dedicated to it, which unfortunately made it not quite as intensely exciting. I've noticed this is pretty common across your stories. Cumming in your first partner is the kind of unique experience that deserves a full page spread with all the juicy details so to speak, particularly with this story's focus on Rumble's virginity and Posie's experience in seducing and teaching him.
2. A recurring issue with your stories is that the endings are always too sudden. You write these 10K+ word oneshots, only to bung a rump ending on it. Stories like this one, especially with some good emotional soil to till like first times, could do with a bit of a tail, and it would fit your character emotion driven clop to hang a more fleshed out conclusion on these stories. Following some pillow talk, perhaps if Rumble had swaggered home, or been taken out to dinner by Posey, who just so happened to introduce him to one of the other moms who eyed him hungrily and licked her lips it would be more of a full service conclusion to the arc presented from the start of the story.
3. Posey's sex dialogue clashes with everything. Given that she's not only not Rumble's mother, but also ostensibly trying to give him a tender first time, her suddenly going into porn dialogue and talking about fucking mommy's pussy with that fat cock etcetera, clashes with both her mellow characterization and also the tone of the story. You handled this perfectly with Vera's dialogue in Tending a Blossom.
4. Having Rumble's first shot with a mare be a pullout cumshot also doesn't tonally fit with the story. Posey said it was okay for him to cum in either, I know, but it would have worked better with his eagerness yet lack of experience for him to have lost control before he really knew what was happening and pumped himself into her, lost to a barrage of untold novel pleasure. A better way to still get glazed tits could have been to either have that be his first round and then move to intercourse, or have him get hard again while pleasing Posey so she decides to let him go ape with enjoying her tits.
5. The move from talk to actually doing stuff was a little too swift. You had some subtle seduction going on from more or less the beginning, yay, but they pretty much immediately leapt from talking to handjob to fucking. An extra 500 words to cover the propositioning and Rumble getting his first proper feels of a mare's body would not have gone amiss. Some extra time for groping and making out, him being nervous at first about touching her but soon digging right in would have served to ease it further. Once Shy shuffled off the robe, it was like someone started playing a brown-chicken-brown-cow guitar riff.
6. Don't write MILF in the story other than to convey Rumble's impression of Posey as few times as possible before they get physical. A big block of all capital letters breaks the flow of the lowercase words. It also just doesn't flow naturally. Matronly, motherly, older mare, lady, and so on all flow so much better and convey the same information.
7. More of a suggestion than a complaint. Given how the story is based around the straight shota kink, I think it could have been played harder and likely would have benefited the story.. Perhaps with more emphasis on her motherly dimensions, nourishing breasts, perhaps a c-section scar or a bit of lactation when he sucks on her tits, and so she nurses him while stroking his cock, cooing at him about mommy will take good care of her little boy. It could excite him by playing on that part of the brain which yearns for maternal affection, or sending signals Posey is indeed a confirmed fertile breeder and so makes him hungry to have his turn to seed that furrow. Or he thinks about, just as he's getting to cum inside, how her body has created life through the same vagina he is inside now, doing the exact same thing. Or perhaps how him being ensconced by her much larger warm body made him feel instinctively safe, like he could just trust her, and also him feeling taken care of. He could see her body and admit to her that her abundant ripeness really turns him on way more than those skinny young mares his age, and she replies back with thanks and also saying that she's done a lot more with her body than just show off and play, her fingers running along her caesarian scar then over her pelvis, remaking they don't call them breeding hips for nothing, and she caresses her breasts as she remarks they've swollen with use. And having her call him cute things like kiddo and boy would have added to this to go more freudian without the out of place forced porn dialogue where she suddenly starts calling herself mommy and commanding him to fuck her in her holes contrary to the rest of the tone and characterization with no real context or buildup apart from the age and size different content. Just my ideas how you could have really worked the fetish angle of the story harder since the whole setup of a huge titty MILF taking the virginity of a cute small guy young enough to be her son is pretty damn inherently oedipal.
In short, I like this story. The attention to tone, character, and detail, not to mention writing hot sex with plenty of sensations and intimacy is always a winner. That being said, the transition to physical activities was a little jarring, Posey's sex dialogue didn't fit the rest of the story very well, being far too porno for a story which apart from its genre went out of its way to not be mere porn, and lastly, the fetish elements ought to have been pushed farther and doing so would have resulted in a stronger story that took full advantage of the premise and pairing.
You are seriously good at writing porn, and even better, you go above and beyond in creating good story and character to surround it and create a whole experience rather than just something to get wood to. Good job.
Anything to say?
9912548
My goodness, that's a thorough review! Probably the most detailed of any I've had in some time. I'd have replied sooner, but I had no internet access for the past few days.
The critiques you make are reasonable and sound points. This kind of story was an experiment for me, more than anything, in approaching this kind of fetish/concept. I had made a couple attempts before this with other rough drafts, but they were too far off the mark to be worth publishing. I did enjoy the dynamic I made here for these two. You are also quite correct about the ending; I am having the hardest time lately with getting a good ending to work with my stories. Sometimes I feel like it works, but its a fair admission that more work could be put into them.
Concerning the physical/fetish aspects of it, there were times I thought to go into more detail and flesh things out more. But, in a way of balancing the realistic versus the erotic in this story, I followed the train of thought that Rumble - being a virgin before this experience - would have little way of actually describing or conceptualizing this sexual experience until it actually came to pass. I tried to capture his first-timer perspective, but its difficult to make that work between being genuine for readers to see and yet also be an erotic/interesting experience.
I have some plans to continue this sort of thing with sequels in the future. I am hoping they don't suffer from sequel-itis, but when they do come around, I welcome your review of them as well if you have the time. Thank you!
9915892
Never mind the delay. And these big reviews are just what I do. Just gotta find the right story.
Apologies in advance, this reply was unintentionally huge.
You really did good work on the dynamic. If you'd like help with refinement on endings, you can ask me and I'd be honored to help. I always saw a fair number of grammatical issues, but kept quiet due to them not being overly distracting.
My best guide to avoiding sequelitis is to not write sequels just for the sake of having sequels. That's one reason why I never wrote sequels to Laybor Day, Hot Button Beach Day, or Nights In Pink Velvet -- the stories that I wanted to tell were told through the originals in the way I wanted to tell them, and brought to a satisfactory conclusion in a way that addresses the initial problem of the story in a way that makes it clear that the sex and what surrounded it was the solution to the problem.
All porn is a balance between realistic and fantastic. The pure fantasy is perfect bodies and marathon sessions of 50 orgasms per partner, with no dryness, going soft, getting tired, and everyone loves every position. The pure reality is putting a tube in a receptacle and injecting a fluid. Everything else in a sex scene is what you make it have emotionally.
Gonna go on a quick rant: All told, the fetish aspect was great. If you released more like this, especially sequels, I'd lap the right up.To explain the core of the emotional appeal of the older woman fetish, especially with am inexperienced youth who is losing his virginity. It's that feeling of risk with ultimate vulnerability that transitions into feelings of acceptance and pleasure as you are accepted, not just emotionally by her, but physically into her body and told she wants you there. Remember that feeling the first time you saw a girl unzip her jeans and pull her bra off, there you were, standing there with her body for you to see, and instead of rebuking you or fleeing, she instead wanted to know what you were waiting for and asked you to indulge. That's a right hit on the dopamine and oxytocin receptors, and that's what these fics with things like age difference and virginity loss, at least from the inexperienced or younger POV hinge on. Understanding the emotional core, or the thought process that creates a fetish, is the key to writing it well even if you don't have it yourself.
If I had to recommend a sequel to this, it would be more like your multiparters where the first couple chapters are intro and building a relationship, part three is building ambient sexual tension, and part four is them finally going at it. Ask more or less what's next for Rumble's character. Him meeting a new mother, getting to know her, and having sex with her would mark different points on his journey. Thinking right now, assertiveness would be great to work on. Perhaps Posey introduces him to Windy Whistles, who is much less into instruction that Posey and honestly just wants a stallion who can fuck her into an incoherent mass of pleasured jelly with a stream of semen flowing from her folds. She teaches Rumble to go for what he wants, not be passive aggressive (like his petty revenge on Thunderlane), and be unafraid to exercise a little power. Along the way, there's heavy petting, teasing, and oral sex -- everything but intercourse until he's a strong enough stallon to take her; she loves the chase, the competition, and also really likes it when her guys get primal.
All this epitomized when, during one of their races, his flying practice pays off and finally catches her and finally has sex with her, ruting her mercilessly on a cloud, much to her delight. He emerges from the story having stood up for himself, having achieved a goal, and also become a more confident and competent lover, and now having a second mother all too happy to share a bed with him. That's just an idea for example. After that may be that he gets shared with Cheerilee, and he finds out she's an unconfident lover with not a great sexual history; she has desires, but hasn't enjoyed her few encounters, and thinks of sex as something stallions do to mares who just have to put up with it enough to make them ejaculate and end it. With the confidence and knowledge from his last story, he breaks her years long dry spell and also teaches her how to enjoy sex by being gentle and considerate with her, taking time and understanding.
If you ever want to talk story or ask me something, hit me with a PM or on Discord. I'm good with plots, characters, and grammar. It would be an honor to assist you.
Kalash93
I wouldn't mind seeing a Flutterspike story like this, if not something similar.
Oh boy
!
This was just precious
!
Think this cluster will get an adaption: https://e621.net/post/show/1977287
Your story mentioned other mothers. Does that mean a sequel is coming up?
10076556
I really hope so <3
This was a hot read; Rumble's gonna have the milfs all over him.
9908621
Is there gonna be a sequel?
Sounds like a sequel.