Third Wheel
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Queen twilight for the win do a sequel btw
9596999
Empress Twilight. Assuming Wintermist won't have a problem with me borrowing the title.
Yea do it
This was a fun read with this, I would love to see Sunburst being mind fucked into going along too. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
...not my fetish, TBH. Well written though.
This very much feels like something happened to Twilight, somethign that she is tryign to now spread...
The plot is very much unlike any other clopfic I've read, which is great. The execution is quite good. Thank you, and I hope to see more from you.
Solid, left me satisfied, yet wanting more.
I'm not a fan of the degradation or the "haha I will eliminate X gender" silliness, but you write great hypno-smut. I was half expecting this to be in the same "setting" as the first one you wrote and see Luna show up again.
Contest judge. Some thoughts.
You know, in spite of the fact that these aren't really my kinks, I do think you have skill and the overall quality of the prose was pretty decent.
What's disappointing for me is that you didn't quite go all the way. A fair amount of this fic feels rather distant. That is, the psychic distance is never really close enough to truly be engrossed in Twilight's madness. The prose is telling me, and in some cases showing me her insanity, but it all feels rather impersonal. If I'm going to go on a psychotic head trip then damn it, take me on a psychotic head trip. As it stands, it felt just a bit too fly on the wall. This isn't helped by the fact that there's a lot of slips into an omniscient PoV where we discover (altered) emotions and feelings from Shining.. for something like this I'd really want to be deeply into one or the other.. probably Twilight, though you could create a hellishly strange story if you could find a way to write it firmly from Shining's PoV.
The other thing I'd have to say about it, well... Strange as it might sound It kind of lacked conflict. I mean yeah, there's the obvious conflict of Twilight's insane androcide(hey I learned a word today. Neat)... but what are the emotional stakes? Not from Shining. He spends virtually every second in the fic being a simpering, brow beated mind slave who offers no resistance. No resistance means no conflict. No conflict... kind of a missed opportunity.
Twisted as this may sound, but I think it would have been more poignant if there were hints of Shining's sense of loss and despair, or at least some token resistance.
So what's left? I dunno. I'm out of my element here. Is this ticking all the boxes for those who are into this stuff? Hard for me to say.
Anyway, a good overall effort.
9602172
Weird that this was considered worth judging but not giving payment for (though maybe I am misremembering the rules for that). But you shouldn't expect much from a story I threw together in two days just for to get it in before the deadline.
The style was intentionally that way, I could have made it closer to the point of view of either character but I just didn't feel like it. And it wouldn't have been hard to make it from Shining's pov, though you might be misinterpreting what that would be like.
I wouldn't call Twilight mad. Not in the cartoonish sense of the word at least. She's convinced of what she's saying, and perfectly normal otherwise. It's I would say a fairly rationalised insanity, kind of similar to what the real world equivalent would be only taken to an extreme.
Lack of conflict is kind of the point of a story with heavy mind control such as this one, especially if it's a one shot. It's there if the story talks about how that control was reached, but in a scene like this there isn't supposed to be any. There is no loss or despair inside Shining, he's arguably just been mentally killed off and replaced with what you see here.
9602325
I don't know all the details about the contest or the money. But regardless of that, I've taken the time to comment on all the pieces I've read. I'm taking your work seriously. If I wasn't, why else would I take the time to think about your fic at length and comment? I commented because I respect you and your invested time enough to spend a little time giving you critical feedback. Simple as that.
But this is a contest. Why wouldn't I consider every submitted fic with the same level of critical analysis? I have to, regardless of whether you slapped it together with barely a care or took all week to edit and revise your work to perfection.
Well this was...depressing. I mean it was well-written and very hot, you deserve praise for that, but Shining Armor basically being murdered and then his body puppeted to commit gendercide against no doubt millions of innocents, with the implication that his own wife and daughter are probably going to happily cheer it on and take part in his murder was so depressing I couldn't sadly in the end enjoy it to much.
9605398
If it makes it any better (it doesn't, it arguably makes it worse), Cadance and Flurry (and basically all the rest of the female population) aren't going to just happily accept that. Twilight is insane, but she's alone in this, and she's going to mindrape everypony until they agree with her. Even Starlight is only going along because she hasn't yet realised just how fucked up some of the things Twilight is up to are, at one point she's going to try to call it quits and Twilight will have to reprogram her too.
9605462
Hmm. Kinda makes it better I guess? I mean the ending was always going to be dark but I guess knowing that Cadance and Flurry basically have to be murdered and also replaced with puppets does at least mean they never stopped loving Shining they just got killed and replaced with puppets. Thanks for the answer!
I'm not sure the blood was a good idea. It really makes me feel sorry for Shining rather than finding it hot.
Sooo. No stallions means no sperm. No sperm means no reproduction. No reproduction means no babies. No babies means all pony kind will be dead. Not a well thought out plan here Twilight.
...hmm...
9827188
That's where Sunburst's research comes in. An all-female society is theoretically possible if you have advanced enough science (and in this case magic too).