Third Wheel
Joined 13th Dec, 2018 ·
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Third Wheel · 22k words · 141 34 · 2.5k views
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You will have better luck if you manage to break it into smaller chapters. Honest opinion.
37K + words? I'm going to need two extra ciders for this. And hash browns.
I agree with "NotreallyaBrony's" statement, Chapters would've worked wonders. The bookmark feature can work as a good pause feature, but it's still a big leap compared to your other 3K ish word works.
I'll write another comment when I finish the story's end.
9736282
9736202
I have split it into chapters now, I apologise for the inconvenience.
Premise sounds interesting. I will put it in read later. See you soon.
Lust is a very dangerous drug lmfao. Good story by the way 👍
9736459
Lust is a perfectly normal component of one's life, and we shouldn't shame people for their sexual desires nor tell them to repress them (assuming of course they aren't harmful to others or themselves) as being properly aware of and comfortable with your sexuality is a very important part of a mentally healthy life.
But cheap wholesomeness aside, and since we are talking about porn here: Oh yes. Lust is one Hell of a drug. Especially when something is written by a mind break enthusiast like me (and I'll forever blame Wintermist for giving me a mind control fetish, now I end up writing about that far more often than traditional mind break).
9736459
9736477
I don't have a problem... 
All drugs are good until you take it in ... high dosages. Some drugs are higher requirements than others. I think am hopelessly addicted to lust though...
Lust with plot is my favorite, but I'll take lust as I can get it though!
...What does DSL stand for?
More pls😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
It was amazing, celestia belongs in her place!
Alfin someone who puts some marital problems a little more serious, honestly this side of the relationship of Shining and Cadence I always like in a story.
Second story?
9736998
Digital Subscriber Line.
or in this context 'Dick Sucking Lips'
For the most part I found this story very enjoyable, but my main issue is that it felt like a lot the foreplay scenes were either too long, felt repetitive, or could have been cut. Don’t get me wrong I like the Maledom and Cock worshipping, and especially the impregnation and Gender bending, but the content ‘Shining toying with Candence’ got old real fast and I ended up skipping a lot of it. Granted that maybe because I prefer the characters to get right to it, but still I don’t think you needed to make one over 20K long. But regardless I hope you continue this story.
I do think you should split this one up into 2. You should aim for around 10.000 words max, give or take 2000.
9737038
As soon as the commissioner asks for it, we did have talks about a sequel eventually.
But if you want something similar, you can always commission it yourself. I do have a slot open right now for a shorter story.
9737380
I absolutely didn't need to make it that long. The commissioner had a list of things to include, and I ended up going way overboard with them. But at least I had fun writing it.
9737700
Maybe... what are your prices?
9737702
It's around the standard here on Fimfiction of $10/1k words, and if I end up writing more than you payed for I don't ask for more. Keep in mind though that those prices don't necessarily apply to this specific commission, this was mostly done as a test to figure out where I wanted my price range to land and because of a number of other things going into it the money to words ratio was a little skewed on this one. But yeah, those will be my prices going forward.
Nice. Like this version of Shining, horrible other people my find it. Just a nice, horrible change from boring cuck surfer dude Shining Armor. Written differently in a good way.
>marital problems that aren't "This ones actually evil and the other is abused"
Colour me suprised
Been needing a properly dark fic for a while, and thankfully this one isn't over the top edgey, hell it isn't all that edgey at all come to think of it loved this to bits!
I actually liked the longer chapters really, also amazing work!
9736477
Corruption is the best. There's a primal part of me that wants this, very deep down. Twist someone and take away their will, mold and sculpt their bodies and minds to your liking all you have to do is rationalize it and you can accept this part of yourself. At the same time the actual idea of doing it is wrong. I want to be with a person who can match me mentally and challenge my idea or keep me in check, not some mindless bimbo that does everything I say and has no opinions of their own. It's wrong morally and in reality if you pulled shit like this people would come looking and in the end you'd either end up in jail or dead in the ground b/c of the threat you posed. Still it's fun to imagine as long as you don't confuse fantasy with reality.
I came several times... My dick looks like a split hotdog, and I can lift a car with one hand
Wow... This is... Aight...
THIS STIRY WAS FUCKING EPIC! Holy shit, Cadence fucked up bad... Sent shivers down my back, good job!
SEQUEL PLEASE!
Assuming you have any wish to, of course - you're the author here.
We need sequel for this story!
>pants
>wipes brow
I've finished it... wow what a trip.
i can see a squeal to this
Oh boy after rereading this the third time, I really want more, up to the author I guess, but I'll voice my hope! Hail to Shining King Armor!
9759024
A sequel will come, eventually, once the commissioner commissions it. But in the meantime, if you or anyone else is particularly eager to read more of something like this, you could always ask for a commission yourself. I wouldn't write a direct sequel to this, as I reserve the right to decide what goes on in this universe to myself and Quela, but something in the same style could certainly be arranged. Unless someone was willing to renounce all creative control and basically gift the commission to Quela, but I don't think that would be necessary.
Hail to the King, baby.
I'm not entirely understanding why she is asking him not to stop. Wouldn't she want him to stop and stick his dick in her?
I also think just a touch more gentleness in several places might help it be more effective. That he rewards her for very minor good deeds. That if she does submit she will be treated well. That does goes down to even a single submissive word being rewarded with a single stroke on her back.
9737700
A way to make it feel less drawn out is to have their emotions develop and have different things brought up. That they slowly fall apart. Maybe have both also learn from each other as Shining learns exactly what is most effective on Cadance with a few screw ups mixed in.
Alway good to see mares learn their place as worthless rapemeat born for the sole purpose of male pleasure.
Arousal talk aside, great fic! A very captivating read and thrilling to see how deep and dark it would get.
First: I love how she essentially just turned ff Shinings filter. He was just so frustrated and done with her BS and that spell finaly let that all come out.
Second: the way she basically hypnotized herslef by trying to fight back was..... truely beautiful. I wish I'd see that more in other stories.
Third: is it weird that I wanna know in more detail what is going on with Celestia, Luna and Twilight?^^
You know what would have made Cadances fall even more dramatic if only a little sad? If there was one final "I love you" before she gives up to him entirely.
9759024
As the commissioner I'd be 100% down for more, and have ideas for the next two parts in mind, but it is also a question of money since I do need to balance that! But I'm glad my commission got so much love cause Third Wheel really did a great job with it!
Cover cropped from image 1911883 on Derpibooru
someone explain to me how one uses numbers to search for images. that doesn't work AT ALL WHEN I try it.
9922299
go to https://derpibooru.org/ and add in that number after the /, that'll take you to the picture.
9922347
thanks. that has been bugging me for awhile now.
This story... I am conflicted about. I am incredibly turned off at the depictions of abuse that were being portrayed by Shining, but that in itself is an amazing accomplishment. You are incredibly talented to put so much into this kind of story, to the point that it felt real enough to make me dislike it.
I know, conflicting views. Put simply, I dislike the story, but I admire your writing.
10048732
Thank you, I suppose. I consider writing this type of stuff to be sort of like playing out a BDSM scene. Of course not everyone might be into it, but it is understood by all parts involved that it's only fiction. If it was good enough for you to dislike it in that way it hopefully was good enough for people who are into this stuff to like it for those same reasons.
10049599
Well see, that's the thing. I like BDSM, but it's always pretend. I get that this is a fake scenario, but in whatever way it felt real? I honestly don't know why I felt the way I did when reading it. But of course it's a testament to your writing to evoke such a response.
It would be hilariously sexy if he Cadance helped him interrupt weddings. Kissing newly brand new brides, adding their stolen rings to his statue...
9736310
TBH, you need to do a bit more splitting. Aim to have chapters no more than ~5k words long, remember that 40k words is where novels start.
10258491
Hah. You're talking to a Wintermist fan, gonna be hard to follow that. But besides, it's all one continuous scene. Splitting it would hurt the story. I will try to keep it in mind for future stuff though.
10258611
If you have 20k words without any reasonable breaking points, you have something that is pushing into the realms of unreadability. Shifts of scene, while generally the first choice for placing a chapter break, aren't the only choice. Shifts in tone and local climaxes are also useful choices, but the key thing to look for is places where someone is likely to say things like "this is a good place to stop so that I can make dinner."