Comments ( 25 )

This is gorgeous, and I love it. A lot of the dialogue is exactly the sort of stuff I'd have written, and the story packs the maximum amount of smut into the short runtime.

9786576
I'm at least 85% sure that this is dirty pool. The remaining 15% is why you aren't getting a downvote.

9786689
Excuse me, what?

9786699 9786689
I second this. What? :rainbowhuh:

This is just waaaaaay too straightforward. It's like the thought process jumps over the courses of acknowledgement so quickly that Rainbow Dash pretty much goes "oh I can make them do whatever I want so I'm going to be a perverted jerk." And then you skip over the hypnotizing of all the mane 6? This is a good concept it could have just been done better.

9786716
That part's kind of on me.

I don't really have a whole lot of money on me, so I only had so much to spend on a commission

9786722
Okay, fair enough, I understand how commissions work so I can see how pricy it could be.

I’ve gotta admit I found this one kind of disappointing. The initial hypnosis is pretty much glossed over, and completely absent for everyone but Twilight.
Also, having the mare who’s supposed to embody loyalty have so little for her friend took me out of it. No real conflict, barely any second guessing, it didn’t feel authentic in its portrayal.
That paragraph where Twilight explains exactly how the hypno-magic works baffles me. How the hell does Twilight know all that? Wasn’t the whole premise that she was trying to figure out what the nature of the magic was to begin with?
Finally, it was super rushed.

The premise can work, but the execution needs some tlc.


*Edit: Commission. Got it. I should’ve paid more attention to the description. That definitely makes some of the choices here understandable.

9786738
Just to point out she knew how hypnosis magic worked she just didn't know what kind of magic was in the necklace, the experiment was to figure out what kind of magic it was.

Also, what Rainbow Dash is doing is a corrupted type of loyalty. They are hypnotized into being her slaves ergo they are strictly loyal to her.

9786839
Maybe one could infer that she knows how hypnosis magic works, but it’s not stated in the story.

I don’t really agree with your interpretation. Rainbow is meant to embody loyalty. She is supposed to represent perfect loyalty, not her friends. Further, it’s not loyalty that she’s created, it’s control. I’d argue that those aren’t the same, because loyalty requires the ability to choose treachery and to reject it.

Of course, that’s my interpretation.

9786864
Twilight knowing how the spell works is built in into the spell itself. And we could discuss at length about the implications of the Elements on the Mane 6's personalities, but in this case it boils down to "I was paid to write Rainbow hypnotising her friends into sex slaves, and there's only so much subtle character development I can fit in 2k words when I need her to fuck all of them by the end". Compared to the best story on this site Friendship is Mind Control, this is a little over half the length of the first chapter yet Rainbow gets all the way up to being like Twilight is roughly halfway through FiMC by chapter numbers. It was impossible for me to both deliver a truly good fall into moral corruption and satisfy the requests of the commissioner, the latter had to obviously take precedence.

9786882
This is true, and does answer most of my initial criticisms.

I also apologize if my point pressing got annoying.

9786864
As Discord has showed loyalty can be corrupted so having Rainbow Dash be disloyal by manipulating Twilight could be part of the spell in the necklace, kind of like what happened to Trixie when she used the alicorn amulet.

9786700
I'm responding to you because Third Wheel will be notified regardless, but... let's just say that "blatantly an alt" and "follow this other better writer instead" look rather suspicious in tandem. And then "exactly the sort of stuff I'd have written" takes on a darker tone. (At least it's fairly on-brand for a mind-control writer...)

Again, it's merely suspicious rather than definite, and "innocent until proven guilty" and all that, but at some point someone has to accuse the accused.

9786910 It's a reasonable guess. I do know Third Wheel, heard about it as it was written, and got notified when it went up. That said, if I'd written it myself, I'd have posted it as myself - there's no benefit to me hiding it away on an alt. Third Wheel's style nudges mine here and there, but it's still different. And, well, it would be colossally dumb for someone to make an alt and then plaster all over it 'Go follow this other person who totally isn't me!', for exactly the reasons you're stating.

Third Wheel is a fan, and I appreciate the nods they make to my work. We're different people.

There just wasn't enough in this, as much as the constraints are understood.

9786910

And then "exactly the sort of stuff I'd have written" takes on a darker tone.

To be fair, have you read literally anything Wintermist writes? Something like this would surely be on that account (as they said). :pinkiesmile:

9789445
If you want to commission a sequel or something that fills in the holes, you're more than welcome to.

9790608
I bet you 5 internet points I have even less money than you! Hehe. Sorry.

She stood there for a moment, panting, watching Twilight's body on the ground, as the reality of her situation set in. She was hers, completely. Her eyes wandered to Twilight's exposed nethers. She shouldn't, she really shouldn't.

What do you mean? Of course you should.

Rainbow jumped back. She'd forgotten about wiping Twilight's memory, clearly. Whoops.

:rainbowderp::rainbowderp::rainbowderp::rainbowderp:
:twilightangry2:: "Run."


Liked the ending.
I bet Starlight Glimmer is secretly watching from her hiding spot, both hoping and not hoping Rainbow will hypnotize her too. Only time can tell which of those conflicting desires will prevail.

Can you write a sequel where Rairty becomes an actual pony cow?

This was surprisingly hot. I love mind control/hypnotism fics but I didn't think the orgy you described here would be so...appealing

9790608
heh heh "fills the holes" :raritywink:

Login or register to comment