Well, off to visit your Princess!
Professional assassins sleep lightly. Spy wasn’t sleeping at all.
He sat in his oversized cage, staring vaguely ahead. Ever since Cozy Glow had told him her story, his mind had been fully engaged in processing what she’d said. Empathy and compassion were not things that came easily to him, of course, being liabilities in his line of work, but he'd sought out whatever words he could to help her move past the mental barrier inflicted upon her.
He’d come up with nothing.
He didn’t even have the energy left to be frustrated. There seemed to be few options open to him; he was securely trapped again, Twilight Sparkle would be there within hours to whisk him away, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Tempest had left Tartarus a little while before without checking in on her prisoners, so he couldn’t even plead his case with her again.
Now it was sometime in the mid-morning, and his rendezvous with this mysterious alicorn was rapidly approaching. His only hope for helping Cozy Glow seemed to be to relay her story to Twilight – which, admittedly, was not what the filly would want - but even that he’d have to consider a failure. After all, he could hardly trust the ones who aided in getting Cozy Glow into this situation to get her out, now could he?
All he could do now was damage control. Make things easier for Cozy Glow, give her the best chance he could.
Although…
He raised his eyes from her cage to the beast protecting it and the small form slumbering inside.
…in the unlikely event another opportunity made itself available, he may as well clear another obstacle from the field. But how to do it?
Well, she said the beast was somewhat intelligent. And honesty seemed to be serving him surprisingly well in this place, didn’t it?
“Hound.”
Cerberus jolted to alertness from its doze, then glared down at him and growled in unison, though not loudly.
He rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, yes, you don’t like me,” he said. “Heartbreaking. But you like her, don’t you?”
They glanced down at the cage briefly. The glares became suspicious.
“You know as well as I do that she doesn’t belong here,” he insisted.
The center head bared his teeth, but the others looked away shamefully.
Spy took a breath and nodded. “I don’t know if I’m going to have another chance to free her, but if I do, I know I won’t succeed with you in the picture. Stand down. Please. Not for my sake, but for hers.”
Cerberus looked down at the little cage for long moments, then emitted a trio of whines. They carefully stood up and padded down the stairs in surprising silence. Spy watched them find a spot by the huge doors and curl up in apparent sleep.
Roused by the vibrations, or perhaps the sudden breeze, Cozy Glow began to stir. She lifted her head and stared at him blearily…
…then smiled. “Good morning, Spy!” she said.
He regarded her, no expression reaching his borrowed face. “…good morning, Miss Glow.”
She stood up and stretched. “Mmm… for some reason, I’m feeling a lot better now. I guess getting all that off my chest helped a lot!”
…ah. “Really.”
“Yeah!” she said with a little laugh. “I feel silly for never having done it before.”
“That’s good to hear,” he replied carefully.
She glanced up at him, but not a single trace of reaction showed. “…y’know,” she said finally, looking around at the cavern, “I really am getting tired of this place. Maybe I’ll give a foster family another try.”
There was no response for several seconds, then Spy’s demeanor finally changed. He gave her a slight smile. “…are you sure?”
“I mean, I guess,” she said in an offhand manner, relaxing slightly. “Oh, I’ll let Twilight talk me into it, of course. No point in making it too easy for her.”
"Good idea,” he said with a nod. “It’s always smart to obfuscate your true motives.”
“’Obfuscate’. Good word.”
“Still, I would hate to leave you here in the care of the Princesses.”
She made a dismissive noise. “Please. I can handle the Princesses. The only one I haven’t already beaten is Cadance, and I’m out of her jurisdiction.”
“Yes, I suppose that’s true.”
“So I’ll be fine! You don’t have to worry about me. I’m actually looking forward to going back into the world.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll do splendidly,” he said, and she beamed at him. “After all, you’re intelligent, capable, determined…”
Then he met her gaze. “…and an accomplished liar.”
She froze.
“You have no intention of leaving Tartarus,” he said, his eyes never leaving hers. “’You can’t fib a fibber,’ Miss Glow. But… thank you for the consideration.”
“No, I-!”
“Miss Glow. Please.”
Her mouth moved a moment more, then she gave up and looked away. “I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t escape when you gave me the chance,” she said in a small voice. “I just… don’t want to get out there. Not like that.”
He didn’t respond. No matter what he did or said, even if he dragged her out of Tartarus, a part of her would still be stuck in that house in the clouds, reliving that one moment.
“I just don’t want you to be worried about me. I’ll be fine. I promise.”
‘Fine.’ Yes, well, an easy standard to meet when you define the word as ‘being in the prison of your choice’. “Miss Glow, I…” He stopped. “What happened in the past was…” He stopped again.
What did you say in this situation? What could you say?
“It’s okay,” she reassured him again. “This is what’s best for everypony. You’ll see.” She drooped a little. “…or I guess you won’t.”
Stab. Twist. If he were capable of it, he’d feel a twinge of sympathy for all his victims over the years.
He felt so… helpless! The girl was confined twice over – thrice, if you counted the cage – and for all its enchantments and security measures, Tartarus was a child’s crib compared to the prison she had forged around herself. He couldn’t break her out of it. Perhaps nobody could.
Spy gathered himself up to try again, useless as it might be. “I’d… like you to at least talk to someone… tell them what you told me last night. Perhaps they can-“
“Hng!”
He lifted his head. Cozy Glow was grimacing, her body making odd twitching motions. “Oh, come now, don’t be dramatic.”
“I’m… hgh! I’m not!”
“…what’s wrong, then?”
“I’m not sure,” she managed. A strange light began to coalesce around her. “I feel… weird…”
Spy sat up, alarmed. “Miss Glow?”
Suddenly her eyes shot open, glowing with internal power. Green sparks began to skitter across her fur randomly. He reached out to her, but the cages were too far apart. He tried anyway, his fingertips almost brushing the closest bar.
A bolt of emerald electricity erupted from her body. He barely had time to react before it arced into him, striking him full in the chest. Indescribable agony flooded through his every molecule, and then…
He had the impression that he was falling through an impossibly small tunnel, far too narrow to fit his borrowed body and yet it was being forced through anyway. He was pulled down the tunnel for an indefinite, excruciating period, aware of nothing but pain and motion.
Then he saw – not that he was experiencing vision in the usual sense – another figure approaching from up ahead. It was coming toward him too quickly and he was too disoriented to get a good look at it, but it seemed to be human…
There was a moment of collision and confusion, and then he was falling back, watching a massive red form receding into the ‘distance’. The return trip was no more pleasant than the initial journey.
With a jolt, the pain abruptly vanished, and he found himself back in Tartarus. He staggered, feeling both light-headed and light-bodied, as if a vast weight had been unaccountably lifted. He also felt a deep physical need, one that had been missing the last two days: an addiction that had not been fed. Spy reflexively reached into the jacket he knew wasn’t there…
But it was.
His fingers – his gloved fingers – closed around the familiar metal case in its concealed pocket. He froze In realization, then pulled it out. “Yes! Yes! Finally!” He popped it open, reached in…
Stopped.
The cigarettes were not where they should have been. He turned the case over and shook it; a pile of cold, stale, soggy bacon tumbled to the floor of his cage.
“I’ll kill him,” Spy growled. “I’ll kill him slowly.”
“S-Spy?”
He turned and waved away some of the smoke that was curling around him. Cozy Glow was pressed against the back of her cage, staring at him with eyes even wider than normal. “Is… is that you?” she managed.
He spread his arms and looked down at himself. Everything seemed to be more or less in order. “Yes, Miss Glow. This is the real me.”
“…whoah…” Then her head tilted critically. “You look really weird.”
He smirked. “Bold words coming from a sheep.”
“Hey!”
He inspected himself again. “It seems Tirek has somehow managed to reclaim his body.”
“Gee, do you think so?” she said, rolling her eyes. “Too bad that doesn’t do us any good. You’re still stuck in that cage.”
He looked around at his confinement. “Am I now?” he asked.
“Well, yeah! That thing doesn’t even have a lock you can pick!”
“All things are possible with the proper motivation, Miss Glow. Allow me to demonstrate a secret technique handed down from my ancestors.”
She gave him a dubious look, but sat down to watch. Spy took a long, deep breath in preparation, raised his hands into a vaguely mystical gesture…
…then stepped forward. The cage was designed for something vastly larger than his natural body; he barely had to twist his shoulders to walk between the bars. He spread his arms and smiled.
“…oh.” She made a face. “Yeah, okay, I flew into that one. So… what are you going to do now?”
A good question. His options had suddenly been vastly increased… and as he considered which to choose, fate granted him yet another. The giant doors began to rumble once more, and daylight spilled into the cavern. Spy approached the edge of the plateau and dropped to the ground, peering downwards. Sure enough, Tempest Shadow was returning to Tartarus… and she was alone.
He crawled back and stood up, dusting off his clothing. “First of all,” he said, not too loudly, “I believe I shall secure our exit from this place.” He began to double check his equipment.
She regarded him doubtfully. “Really? You’re going to go up against her again? Like that? You’re way smaller and scrawnier now! You can’t beat her like this!”
He chuckled. “Oh… I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” He pulled out his knife, and out of sheer habit gave it a flourish as he opened it to check the blade. Metal flashed in the omnipresent light.
Cozy Glow stared at the knife apprehensively. “Oh… right. You… you kill people, huh?”
He looked down at it, then tucked it away a bit self-consciously. “For money, Miss Glow. A little homicidium causa homicidii is all right for some, I suppose, but personally it offends my professional standards. Although… we shall have to see. She is, as you note, a formidable opponent.”
“Okay, if you say so.”
“Now, time is short. Wait here…”
“…as if I had a choice…”
“…and once I deal with her, we’ll talk. All right?”
She nodded and settled down on the floor of her cage. “Just… don’t hurt her, okay?” She looked away. “She doesn’t deserve it.”
He regarded her for a while, still at a loss for words. “I’ll do what I can,” he said finally, “and what I must.” Then he vanished, fading from view with a faint hissing sound.
She looked up, startled. “S-Spy?!”
“I’ll be right back,” came his voice from nowhere. “No need to worry.”
There was no further evidence of his existence. Cozy Glow settled down to wait.
Conditions in Tartarus were always the same. It was never too hot, never too cold, never too dark or bright. It wasn’t set up to punish its prisoners, but to contain them. It was simply there, an immutable constant, unchanging day after day, year after year.
And yet, to Cozy Glow, it suddenly felt unaccountably colder.
It wasn’t that she was worried about Spy, of course. She was still mad at him, for acting just like the Princesses when it mattered most. For not being what she’d hoped he was.
(She was vaguely aware that this might be considered unreasonable. But she was still a filly, and a monster. She felt she was allowed.)
But that didn’t mean she wanted anything bad to happen to him. He seemed entirely confident, but she’d seen now what Tempest was capable of, and even if he could turn invisible, that didn’t mean she couldn’t-
A sudden electric light flashed down below, accompanied by a scream of agony. A male scream.
She wasn’t worried. She wasn’t!
Minutes seemed to pass like years as she strained her ears, seeking more information. Her cage was too small and low for her to see over the edge of the plateau, so listening was all she could manage. Finally she heard a sound, so everyday and commonplace she’d normally just tune it out, but right now was the last thing she wanted to hear: hoofsteps.
“Hey!” a familiar voice called. “You two okay up there?!” Tempest’s mohawk came into view as she mounted the last few steps, and she turned her head to look down at the entrance. “What in the world was that thing?” she muttered.
Cozy Glow stared at her wordlessly, heart fallen almost as far as it could go.
Getting no response, Tempest looked at her prisoner… and her eyes went wide. “Wha… where’s Spy?” She hurried over
(And if her gait seemed a bit unnatural, Cozy Glow didn’t notice)
and peered into the large cage as though the massive centaur could be hiding in a corner. “Where did he go?”
“You’ve already seen him,” the filly said quietly.
Tempest blinked, then turned toward the entrance again. “That thing that attacked me… that was Spy?!”
“Tirek took his body back. I don’t know how. What did you do to Spy?”
“He looked so weird…” She shook her head. “Oh. I just knocked him out and put him in a spare cage. I don’t think I hurt him, but he startled me. We’ll see how he feels when he wakes up.”
The filly relaxed slightly despite herself. “I… I guess this is for the best. Twilight won’t be as suspicious now that he’s not in Tirek’s body anymore.”
“Yeah, that’s a good point. Sparkle should be able to send him back to wherever he’s from without too much trouble.” She looked down at the cage. “Which only leaves the question of what we’re gonna do with you.”
Cozy Glow’s head tilted slightly in puzzlement. “Huh?”
“No point in keeping you cramped up in there any longer, anyway. Let’s get that cage open.” The unicorn lowered her head and started nosing around in her clothing.
“W-wait, what are you talking about? I’m supposed to-“
“What the hay? Where did the key go?”
Cozy Glow sneered. “I stole it! I stole it and I threw it in the pit!”
“What? Why?”
“Because this is where I should be! I belong in Tartarus!”
Tempest stared at her again… then did the worst possible thing. She laughed. “Yeah, no, you don’t, kid.”
“Hah! Try to tell that to the Princesses!”
“…who do you think said to let you out?”
As Cozy Glow stood, mouth open, Tempest searched uselessly for the key for a moment, then regarded the cage. “It’s gonna be a pain getting a new key sent over from Canterlot. This looks pretty beat up, though. I bet I can smash it open…”
“N-no…” The filly shook her head roughly. “No, I deserve to be here! I’m the one who almost destroyed Equestria! And they know what’ll happen if I’m not here!”
Tempest looked at her. “The whole thing with the orphanage, right?”
“Yes!”
“C’mon, kid. You really think they couldn’t have come up with a better solution if they wanted to? The two oldest and wisest ponies in the world?”
Cozy Glow hesitated. “But… But Luna said… she admitted it, just last night…”
The unicorn snorted. “With Spy in the room, yeah? Luna told me about that too. She said what she wanted him to hear.”
“…but… I-I don’t…”
“The only reason you’re here in the first place,” Tempest continued relentlessly, “was to see if you and Tirek could reform each other and start acting like decent creatures. It was a long shot, and it didn’t pan out, but they must have figured it was worth trying. Now that Tirek’s gone, what do they need you for? Not like you can do anything bad without him, after all.”
“I, I can! I can so do terrible things!” She stomped her hoof. “You better not let me out of Tartarus, or I’ll show you how bad I can be!”
The former unicorn smirked down at her. “Sure you will. You managed it once, but now everyone’s on to you. You won’t get a second chance. Hate to break it to you, Cozy, but no… pony takes you seriously. You’re nothing but a nuisance. At worst.” She leaned forward. “Face it. You’re just a little kid.”
Cozy Glow glared searing fire at her warden. “Oh, we’ll see about that,” she snarled. “Once I’m out of here, I’m gonna make sure Equestria regrets it. And everypony’s gonna know that you’re the one that made it happen!”
Tempest raised her head with a (slightly self-satisfied) smirk. “I wanted to be a princess, when I grew up. It’s nice to have a dream.” She turned her attention to the cage. “Now, either you sit in there until Sparkle shows up, or you stand back while I see if I can smack this door open. Those are your only two choices.”
To a strategic mind, this would have seemed like a very foolish decision. Opening the cage door would have allowed Cozy Glow to quickly escape into the greater cavern, with Tempest completely unable to recapture her. Then once Twilight Sparkle opened the extremely tall doors from the outside, it would have been literal child’s play to escape before the Princess knew what was happening. The filly would have been free and clear.
Unfortunately for someone’s expectations, she wasn’t thinking very strategically at the moment.
“I can think of a third option,” Cozy Glow said, crouching low.
“Oh yeah?” Tempest replied absently.
“I’ll break myself out of here! I don’t need your help! I don’t need anyone’s help!”
Tempest laughed. “Yeah, okay. You just-“
The filly launched herself upwards, struck the roof of the cage… and kept pushing, little wings flapping furiously. The cage slowly began to rise.
“…cute,” the unicorn admitted. “Now knock it off before you… hey!” Cozy Glow had redoubled her efforts, and the cage had suddenly shot upward, out of reach. “Get back down here!”
The cage continued to rise, wobbling slightly. “You don’t get to decide what happens to me!” she shouted, wings moving at hummingbird speed. “I won’t let anypony look down on me anymore! The only one… who gets to say… what I can or can’t do…”
The cage scraped against the cavern ceiling.
“…is me!”
And then the cage began to drop.
Tempest took a step forward in alarm. “Miss Glow!”
It tumbled as it fell, the small form within curled into a ball.
Tempest positioned herself as best she could beneath it, and ultimately could only somewhat cushion its impact. Ribs broke and limbs fractured, and the filly within was tossed around painfully. The cage rebounded once and then, giving in to all the damage it had endured recently, shattered on the second bounce. Pieces of wood and metal scattered across the plateau, mingling with the debris from Tirek’s former confinement. Unlike his escape, there was no triumphant trot from within a cloud of dust, and both mare and filly lay motionless on the ground for several minutes as Tartarus’ restorative properties did their work.
Tempest was far more used to pain and physical injury, but she had taken the brunt of the impact, and it was Cozy Glow who moved first. She managed to get her hooves beneath her and took a few drunken steps. “Another plan flawlessly executed!” she announced in a warbling voice. Then she fell over with a sound best transcribed as 'blegh!'
The unicorn pushed herself up with a groan. “Not… not bad, kid,” she said. “Really reckless and dumb… but not bad.”
Cozy Glow didn’t respond, focusing on getting herself airborne.
“This doesn’t change anything, though! You’re still trapped in here, and Sparkle’s still coming in soon! What’s your plan now?”
“My plan is to grab Spy and get us both out of here. I won’t let you stop us! We’re going together!”
The filly was too high up now to notice, but Tempest’s expression softened slightly. “…of course.” Then she raised her voice. “And how are you gonna do that? I’m the only one in here who can open the door!”
Cozy Glow scowled in determination. “Then I’m just gonna have to make you open it! You’re too beat up right now to put up much of a fight, I bet!”
Tempest smirked and pushed herself up further. “I’d like to see you try, pipsqueak!”
Though she didn’t quite have the voice for a battle cry, Cozy Glow gave it her best attempt as she dove toward the purple mare. Tempest rose up on her hind legs and laughed as her opponent dropped toward her.
The laugh continued as they collided and tumbled several hooflengths away. Cozy Glow tried to pull away, but the mare’s hooves seemed to grip her forelegs oddly. Then a red cloud swirled around them, the laughter dropped in pitch, the purple was replaced by a muted red, and…
”Well done, Miss Glow!” Spy crowed proudly. “I knew you could do it!”
”Spy?!” She goggled at him. “What… how did…” Her expression became pained. “Oh, no, this isn’t all a dream, is it?!”
“Not this time,” he assured her. “Once again, it’s really me.”
“Oh.” Then she realized he was still holding her by the forelegs. She started to squirm. “Hey, let go of me! I’m still mad at you!”
“No,” Spy decided, “I don’t think I will. I have something to say to you.”
“I don’t care! Why should I listen?!”
“Because I’m larger than you, stronger than you, and I have opposable thumbs.”
She tried to bite them, but he managed to evade her teeth. “That’s not fair!”
“Life rarely is.”
“You tricked me! Again! You and your stupid smug changeling-“
“I’m sorry.”
She stopped and looked up at him.
“I should have realized sooner why you were so upset. By trying to push you out of Tartarus, I was committing the same crime as your parents. I was trying to take away your agency.”
She frowned. “I don’t think I have one of those.”
“I mean your free will,” he corrected. “Your right to choose. I meant it only in your best interest, but I can see I should have discussed that eventuality with you beforehand. We are partners, after all.”
She settled down slightly, but only slightly. “What bothered me most is when you said I wasn’t a villain. That hurt.”
Spy nodded. “For all that you’ve done, I thought you were just a girl playing at being a villain. Now I understand the depths of your determination and will. To tear at the world that failed you… that is motivation enough for any villain.”
She perked up, and he released her. “You really think so?!”
“I do. There are those in my world who have done far more, with far less justification.”
She considered this, and seemed to relax further.
Then he took a breath. “That being said,” he continued, “I do have an issue with the other title you claimed. That of ‘monster’.”
She looked away. “…oh.”
But instead of bringing up her parents at all, he said, “Now, to be sure, villainy is certainly a worthwhile profession. It has its perks. But… a monster?” He shook his head and tutted. “Any brute can be a monster. You’re better than that.”
“…that’s not where I expected you to go,” she admitted. “B-but I have to! Somepony who would do what I did… my cutie mark, everything that happened… I don’t have-“
“-a choice?” he cut in. “Because the world decided what you should be?”
Again, she couldn’t meet his gaze. “Y-yeah…”
“Miss Glow. I am not someone who is well-practiced with words of comfort or guidance. But I’m going to give you some advice that I guarantee you would never get from anyone in this storybook dimension.”
Cozy Glow landed and looked up at him, listening intently.
Spy leaned down. “Fuck the world.”
After a pause, she giggled nervously. “…I think that’s a bad word.”
“Do you want to be a monster, Miss Glow?”
“Well… no, not really…”
“Then why,” he asked, gently rapping her on the forehead, “are you letting the world make that decision for you? Did you not just say you are the only one who decides what you do?”
“I know, but-!“
“Your parents, I know. You are allowing yourself to be defined by one single event from a moment when you’d been betrayed and pushed to your limit. That was the start of your journey, Miss Glow, not the whole of it! You can make a new path, and if Fate dares tell you otherwise, spit in her eye! Be cunning! Be outrageous! Be monstrous, if it suits you!” He put his hands on her shoulders. “Be the villain you want to be!”
Her eyes shone in revelation. “Yeah! Yeah!” She took to the air out of sheer excitement. “Buck the world! You’re right, Spy! I’m tired of being in here every day putting up with Tirek’s attitude! I wanna go out and live! All of Equestria is out there, and it’s mine for the taking!”
“And if the Princesses treat you like a child again?” he prompted.
“Then I’ll show them!” She grinned in fierce anticipation. “I’ll show them all!”
Spy beamed at her. “That’s the spirit!”
Then she settled down, both literally and figuratively, and her expression became somewhat wry and wistful. “I’m, uh… I think I’m still kind of… broken, though,” she said in a small voice.
He snorted. “Welcome to being alive. We’re all broken here, one way or another. For what you’ve been through, you’ve come out of it better than many would.”
“I guess,” she murmured, not sounding very convinced.
“But if it’s any consolation, Miss Glow,” he continued, “I’m certain of one thing: you’re not a monster.”
“How do you know?”
“Because in the colloquial sense, I believe the common definition is that monsters don’t care about others, yes?” He reached down and poked her nose. “You care,” he finished simply.
She rubbed her nose. “What? Psh. No, I don’t.”
“Really.” His hand dipped inside his jacket, and produced the metal case again. He touched its interior briefly, and then…
Cozy Glow took a step back as Spy was enveloped by red clouds, and when they passed she was looking at… well, herself. “Oh, Tempest,” the copy said, looking up with soulful eyes. “Don’t hurt Tirek. He doesn’t deserve it.” She turned her head. “Oh, Spy. Don’t hurt Tempest. She doesn’t deserve it.”
“I-I don’t sound like that.”
The clouds came and went again, and Spy was returned. “Normally, I would consider compassion a liability, but I think you wear it well. The fact that two specific ponies didn’t earn it from you is a reflection on them, not you.”
She nodded, considering this. “How are you doing that, anyway? You aren’t a changeling after all, are you?”
“Ah. No, I-“
“No, I guess not. Can’t imagine you’d want to look like that.”
He glowered at her. “Thank you for that, Miss Glow.” He opened the case and showed her the screen and buttons within. “My disguise kit. It allows me to take the appearance of any creature I’ve scanned into it.”
Then he pulled up a sleeve, revealing a timepiece on his wrist. “Invisibility watch, with effects you can likely deduce.” He touched a button on its side and briefly vanished.
“And my sapper,” he said finally, pulling a box, larger than the disguise kit, from another pocket. “Intended for the disabling of electronic devices, though in a pinch it can be overloaded to produce a small but loud electric burst.” The box sparked and smoldered briefly. “This does, however, invalidate its warranty.” He tossed it aside.
“Whoah,” she breathed, duly impressed. “That’s cool.”
“The tools of my trade. One can never have too many advantages. But we’ve tarried long enough, and I’m just about recovered from your little escape attempt. Shall we go?”
“You bet!” She flew up and looked him in the eye. “And we’ll get out of here together.”
He smiled and nodded. “Together.”
As he stood up, Spy's shoe pushed against something weighty and metal. He peered down, and picked up the lock from Cozy Glow’s cage. The impact from the fall had broken it, shearing through the shackle. He regarded it for a moment, then tucked it away in a pocket. “You’re taking that with you?” she asked him.
“A keepsake,” he said. “This is a day to be remembered.” He dusted himself off. “Let us collect Miss Shadow and make good our departure.”
“Oh, right. What did you do to her, anyway? I didn’t hear any fighting.”
“Nothing so crass. She’ll recover.” He pulled out what looked like a sock filled with stones. “I simply introduced her to my favorite game.”
There was a flurry of motion outside Tartarus as the giant doors began to open. Voices could be heard from within. "Bye, Cerberus! I'll miss you! I'll come back to visit after I take over Equestria!"
"...so you see, this makeshift weapon is called a blackjack, but that is also the name of a card game, popular in gambling circles. It's a clever play on words"
"I don't think we have that here."
"Ah. Pity."
"Spy?"
"Yes, Miss Glow?"
"Why are you bringing Tempest with us? The door's open, so we don't need her anymore."
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Um... no?"
"A hostage will be useful to deal with the guards outside the door."
"Oh." There was a pause. "...wait. What guards?"
"Stop right there, criminal scum!"
A full score of white, armor-clad pegasi were suddenly arrayed before them. Though they tried to look menacing, there was a scattering of nervous whispering within the ranks. "What is that thing?!"
"It looks so weird!"
"It's got Tempest Shadow!"
"That scrawny thing took her down?!"
"It must be one of Cozy Glow's friendship zombies!"
The pegasus in the lead stomped a hoof, silencing the hubbub. "You are under arrest! Put down the unicorn and return to Tartarus immediately!"
Human and filly regarded them, the latter with her mouth open. Then she looked up at Spy. "Okay, how?! Nobody said anything about guards! There weren't any when I was brought in!"
Spy gave her a serene smile as he carefully lowered Tempest to the ground. "Another lesson for the student. How did I know?"
"Ugh! You are so obnoxious!" But her brow furrowed in thought regardless.
"Gentlemen!" he said loudly, crouching next to the mare. "I would advise against hasty decisions at this point." Suddenly his knife was in his hand, and it was pressed against Tempest's throat. "That was a threat, by the way, as well as a pun. I feel that may need to be explained."
The guards shifted uncertainly. None of them moved to stop him.
"Sensible. But just to be certain..." With his other hand he pulled his revolver from his jacket and pointed it at them. "I don't suppose any of you know what this is? No, I thought not. Then consider it a magic wand. I can use it to cast the spell 'abracamurder'. I'll demonstrate, if you insist."
They weren't sure what that meant, but froze in place.
"Excellent."
"Um," Cozy Glow said quietly, "what now?"
"Now we wait."
"Wait?"
"It's proper manners to wait for the hostage negotiator before making demands, and it saves time as well. She should be here soon."
"Oh, I get it. Are you sure? She'll probably mess everything up." The filly scowled. "She usually does."
He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the guards. "Little choice. I wasn't anticipating quite this many fliers. You could likely give them the slip in the air, they seem rather dull, but on the ground it would be another matter entirely. My watch only lasts so long before it must recharge, and there's little cover to work with here. So...?"
"So we turn our disadvantage into an advantage," she replied with a nod. "Deal with Twilight directly, and have her get rid of the goons."
"Precisely. And with any luck, it won't be too long before-"
"What's going on here?"
A pair of winged ponies descended and landed between the guards and the escapees. The armored orange pegasus stood near his compatriots, while the purple one sporting a horn as well as wings peered at the focus of the tableau. Her eyes widened. "A human?! In Equestria?!"
"That's her," Cozy Glow confirmed, in case it wasn't clear. Though admittedly, Spy had been expecting someone a bit larger. There was no size consistency for Princesses, apparently.
"Ah, Princess Twilight," Spy said smoothly. "So glad you could join us."
"I'm so sorry this has happened to you!" she said. "Don't worry, I know just how to..." Then she finally finished processing what was before her. "...wait. Fizzlepop? Why are..." She looked at Spy. "What are you doing to her?!"
He laughed. "Luna really didn't tell you a thing about me, did she? Miss Glow, if you would?"
"Ahem! Twilight Sparkle, allow me to introduce Spy. He's a professional assassin."
The guards took an unconscious step back, while Twilight clearly wanted to. Her horn began to glow. "If you've hurt her..."
"Ah-ah-ah, Princess," he said scoldingly. The knife pressed more firmly against dark magenta fur. "We don't want any accidents, do we? I guarantee my reflexes are, aheh, sharper than yours. The slightest tug might just make my hand twitch."
She glared at him, but held her magic in check.
"If you'll indulge me, I'm told you know a bit about my species." He lifted his pistol and put her in his sights. "By any chance, do you recognize this?"
Now she did step back. "I do." The Earth of her experience was more advanced than Spy's, and she'd played enough video games to recognize firearms.
"Splendid! Finally someone civilized. So turn that horn off, if you please."
She did so, still glaring daggers at him. "Let her go, or so help me...!"
"Ugh," Cozy Glow growled. "She's always so bossy."
"Well, she is a Princess," he noted. "I expect it comes with the title. Your friend is not seriously hurt, your Highness, and her condition will not degrade as long as you mind your manners."
"What do you want?" she snarled.
"First of all, I would like a bit more privacy. Send these fine officers of the law - or the military, or whatever - far away from here. If I see even a hint of them after the next thirty seconds, things may get messy."
"Princess?" the orange one asked nervously.
Her glare continued for a moment, then she addressed the guards. "Everypony, go back to Canterlot. Tell Celestia and Luna what you saw here."
"Are you sure?"
She turned again to Spy, who was looking infuriatingly smug. Fizzlepop lay limp and lifeless in his grasp, disturbingly doll-like in her lack of motion. "...no. But it's my decision to make, and my responsibility. Get going."
The guards exchanged glances, then their leader took to the air, and the rest followed suit. Soon they were vanishing dots in the sky.
"Nice," Cozy Glow said admiringly.
"Diplomacy is a talent of mine," he replied with false humility.
"You don't have to do this," Twilight told him. "I can help you-"
"-get home, yes, I know. Miss Shadow has already made that sales pitch. And it may eventually come to that. But for now, Miss Glow and I will be doing this our way."
"What do you mean?"
Spy stood up while aiming the revolver at Fizzlepop. "You're going to march into Tartarus, and Miss Glow is going to lock you in one of those cages. Miss Shadow will keep you company; the magic of Tartarus will undoubtedly do her good. Then, once I'm sure none of your feathered friends have circled back, Miss Glow and I will take our leave." He smiled at her. "You can try to look for us... but you won't find us."
She scoffed. "You think I'm going to just let you both go?"
"I think you have little choice. When someone finally lets you out - hopefully sooner than a thousand years - I'd suggest you start looking into ways to send me home, in case our own investigation is fruitless. You don't want someone like me hanging around Equestria, now do you?" The smile turned nasty. "After all... I know where you live. And where your friends live as well. Do bear that in mind."
She stared at him, horrified.
"Diplomacy," Cozy Glow noted.
"The very best kind," he agreed. He looked back at Twilight. "Now, be a good little pony, and go in the nice prison. You are supposed to be the smart one, I'm told."
"You're... you're terrible!"
"And observant as well, it seems."
"I can't just... just let you do whatever you want!" She didn't seem to know where to look, her gaze shifting from Spy to his weapon to Tempest to the great doors behind them. "I won't...!"
"...Sparkle..."
She immediately focused on the fallen mare. "Fizzlepop! Are you all right?"
"...I'm.... ugh. I'm fine. Just got a massive headache." She scowled up at Spy. "Jerk."
"Apologies," he said, with the barest fraction of sincerity.
"Don't worry," Twilight assured her. 'I'm going to get you out of this somehow. He's not going to get away with this."
"No, it's okay. Do what he says."
The princess stared at her friend. "Fizzlepop?"
With difficulty, Tempest pushed herself up. "Trust me on this, okay? He's doing what he needs to do." She glowered again. "He's being a real jerk about it, but he's not going to go around hurting anypony for no reason. Are you, Spy?"
It was his turn to scowl, though he said nothing.
"But what he said... he's some kind of monster!"
"Oh, he's a piece of work, all right. But I think I understand what he's about. Let 'em go. It'll be okay, I promise."
Twilight hesitated for a long moment... then sighed. "You'd better be right about this."
With a smile, Spy made a quick gesture toward Tartarus. "Miss Glow, please escort the princess to her new lodgings. Be sure to select a sturdy one."
The filly grinned maliciously. "You bet!" She took to the air and hovered over Twilight, who watched her with a sour expression. "Oh, this is going to be so satisfying...!"
And then everything went wrong.
A swirling pool of energy formed around Cozy Glow, and she stopped in mid-air, struggling against invisible bonds. "H-hey, what gives?!" She glared at Twilight. "Knock it off!"
"I-I'm not doing it!" Indeed, her horn remained dark.
"Miss Glow!" Spy abandoned his guarding of Tempest and hurried toward the filly. Twilight took the opportunity to teleport to Tempest's side and check on her.
The human was halfway there when a hand - a massive red hand - seemed to extrude directly from Cozy Glow's hide. She twisted her head in panic, trying to look at it. "What... what is that?!" she screamed.
"Cozy!" Spy leapt toward her, reaching out...
The hand extended on a muscled arm, then turned around on itself and grabbed the filly by the neck. In an instant, and in an eye-watering twist of topology, pulled her back through herself.
The light seemed to shift, and silence reigned.
The hand was gone. The energy was gone.
Spy fell to his knees.
Cozy Glow was gone.
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Oh boy, Spy is gonna just murder a centaur.
Spots is gonna kill Tirek when he gets his hands on him.
11828843
He'll even do it pro bono.
Excellent.
Thank for the chapter!
Holy moly that cliff hanger.
11828843
I don't think "murder" is going to do it justice.
This had been a dry week of updates to my list of Tracking fics, and then, literally at the last hour, one of the most anticipated of all arrives. Excellent way to end the week.
He was going to murder Tirek for the displaced joints. Now though? Well, let's just assume that credit card has no limit yet it just got declined....
Poor Spy, second plan was looking good! Now the next six plans are scrapped and he's back in Disadvantage-ville.
I imagine the only other person who could make him feel like this is Scout.
11828948
Eviscerate, eradicate, deperson, unalive, amputate, annihilate, skin alive, boil, filet, chop up, bushwhack, surgically remove organs….
Certainly there’s some combination of words to do it justice.
I'll be honest, I've never played TF2, so I don't know Spy's context or history, but I don't think Spy wants to kill Tirek...yet. I've noticed that practically everyone has focused entirely on Cozy Glow and Spy or Tempest Shadow (I can't blame you, they're very entertaining), but don't forget that this story also includes Tirek. In all the stories I have read, there are very few that manage to represent Tirek well, he is a character known for his strength and greed. It's easy to just take those characteristics of him and not give him any development, that's why I look forward to Tirek's meeting with Cozy Glow, we could see in the previous chapter that he cares about her (not to the same degree as Spy of course) and he was also the one who managed to reveal the "colors" of Cozy's parents, my theory is that he sympathizes with her for being strong enough to get rid of her parents for everything they had done to her. The outcome of that meeting will define a lot, Cozy and Tirek end up on good terms or not, I only see those two options.
Ah... right.
I kidna forgot halfway through that Tirek is still a thing.
Hopefully things will be fine now.
I fucking love this fic man
Man I really want tirek dead
is it just me or does it smell like smoked centaur around here?
Your specialty is making friends? Mine is murdering
Goddamn! Tirek knows his timing well, just to fuck everything up!
I guess his heart is in the right place tho? He did break Cozy Glow out of prison, just didn't she had already gotten herself out...
Gods I hope Spy kills Tirek in the end! He really does deserve it.
Great chapter, this story always holds my attention.
Interesting how Spy got his gear back as well as his body. I wonder how much ammo he has left for his pistol. Tirek has absolutely horrible timing. Shame we had to miss out on Twilight getting caged because of it.
I'm sure ponies are technologically advanced enough to have invented cigarettes. I'm sure he can find a way to force Twilight to get him some.
Now I'm wondering what sorts of crazy rumors would have spread around Cozy.
Oh Spy is gonna be out for blood for this.
Okay, seems like things are gonna get exciting!
Ohhhhhh boy. Oh boy. Wonderful chapter, thank you. That cliffhanger is killer, can't wait for the next one. Also man, I'm no sure what could really happen here, I'm super excited
Another great chapter
Is... Is that a Skyrim reference? I swear to god I heard this from somewhere.
Dammit Tirek!
Can't wait for the next one
11831499
Close. Oblivion, not Skyrim.
Everybody's like "He's going to kill Tirek for this" but on Tirek's end he just thinks he's breaking Cozy out of Tartarus too, doesn't he?
It's not like he could have possibly known that Spy and Cozy were already successfully breaking out.
That's a very Spy
Noted that the disguise kit (and masks) work on ponies. Australium is a wonderful thing.
I do wonder about his gear. A lot of stuff works off Australium but it still follows logic. He’s only got a certain amount of bullets, he’s only got a limited amount of sappers (possibly just 1), so on so forth. I half expected him to have the Dead Ringer on him given the interactions but nope! Dunno if there’s any canonical limitations - outside of the obvious - for how much gear the mercs can carry around at once.
It’s been a while! Haven’t been on Fimfiction for a bit but then I saw this fic again. Oh god they finally got out but Tirek had to ruin it!
I can already imagine the argument on the other side, but Spy is probably in deep shit for threatening Tempest like that.
Now there’s a Spy alone in Equestria! And I can’t for the life of me imagine how the other mercs would react to this magic demon suddenly having a little pegasus pony.
Already I can imagine Heavy getting protective of Cozy for some reason. Can’t wait to see how this goes.
aw MAN i can't wait to see the next chapter!!!!