That filly is not one of us.
How long ago had it been? Not excessively long, to be sure, but how many moons? Less than a year, certainly.
Not long enough.
She stood next to her sister, neither speaking as the superintendent of the facility pleaded with them in tones both weary and urgent. Below them, the most dangerous child in Equestria struggled against the solidly built ponies assigned to enforce discipline. From their haggard appearance, it had been a difficult assignment.
The child spotted the sisters, and screamed defiance. Gone was her usual veneer of innocence; now she demanded. If her orders were not followed, she said, the realm would never know peace. They were too weak to keep her. Sooner or later, she would escape, and have her revenge against any that had stood against her!
The sisters did not fear these threats, but neither could they ignore them. A discussion was held. An option raised. An immediate objection. A heated argument.
A decision.
There was silence afterwards, punctuated by yet more arguments, but she couldn't think of anything better to do. There was nowhere else to send the child.
Ten moons. Yes, that was it. Not long ago at all.
Slumbering, Luna shifted in her bed, her brow creasing briefly as the memory-dream faded.
Not long enough for regret to fade.
"Again. Who are you?"
The filly stood in a ready position, forelegs bent and shoulders forward. She took a long breath and began to speak, though all of her attention was focused a few hooflengths in front of her. "My name," she said slowly, "is Chessie Mae."
"What is your purpose here?"
"I'm here on vacation." Just beyond the bars of her cage, a hand was presented to her, palm up. There was a small rock resting there, and her gaze was locked unwaveringly upon it. The... things on the hand... fingers, that was it. The fingers were curled loosely around the pebble, just enough to keep it secure. "I'm here to see the sights in... this town."
"A filly on vacation, all by herself?" The grip around the rock tightened slightly. "That's not very likely. Where are your parents?"
Focused as she was, she didn't see her interrogator's gaze sharpen when the question was asked. But she'd been expecting it anyway, and answered immediately and naturally, or at least gave the appearance of a natural response. "Golly, they said I could look around town all by myself. I'm a big filly now, after all! We're going to meet back at the hotel for lunch!" She paused, then said quietly, "...delicious hayburgers..."
"Don't drool. It's unprofessional." He waited until she wiped her mouth, then: "Leaving you alone still seems unsafe. Perhaps I should escort you back to your hotel." The fingers had relaxed slightly, but still maintained their hold on the rock.
She took another breath. "Gosh, Mister Policepony, if there were something dangerous around here, I'm positive you would have already taken care of it, right?"
He hesitated, then after three excruciating seconds nodded. "A fair point. All right, then. Enjoy your stay." The grip loosened further, and the fingers formed a wide cage around the stone. No room for hoof or mouth to get in, but just enough for...
She tensed, her hindquarters wiggling slightly in preparation. "Thank you so much," she said, steel resolve in her tone, "for all... your... HELP!"
And she lunged, striking the bars hard enough to shift her cage slightly. She never took her gaze off the stone, even as her head pressed firmly against the iron enclosure, and her wing extended out, stretching, straining...
Not quite reaching.
He let her flail desperately for a moment, then closed his hand tight around the pebble. A moment's adjustment, then he flicked it in her direction; it bounced off her temple. "Hey!"
"Too obvious," he said sternly. "Your approach was good, but it means nothing if you spoil it at the end." He transferred another rock to his free hand and held it out. "Again. Who are you?"
She scowled, then took her position. "My name," she said, trying to contain her annoyance, "is Chessie Mae. I'm here on vacation with my parents, all the way from San Anponyo, and we're going to go see-" The pebble struck her shoulder and she yelped, more from surprise than pain.
"You don't sound like you're from..." She could almost hear his eyes rolling. "...San Anponyo."
"Oh, come on!" she sputtered. "How would you even know?!"
"Call it an educated guess," he said dryly. "Again."
Another scowl, then she took another breath... and when she spoke, it was with a twang that could cut through mountains. "Well, howwwwwdy dooooo, buckaroo! Ah'm little ol' Chessie Mae, and Ah'm just pleased as apple cinnamon waffles to meet y'all- HEY!"
"Yes, very amusing," he said, unamused, "but you need to take this seriously." He readied another pebble. "Again."
Cozy Glow stomped her hoof and let out a frustrated scream through clenched teeth. "This. Is. Too. Hard!" she declared. "I can't concentrate on keeping in character with some fake identity and try to get that stupid rock at the same time! It's impossible!"
"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry," Spy said, insincerity dripping from every word. "I wasn't aware the Empress of Friendship was incapable of a little multitasking. You ponies can teleport, shape the weather to your own ends, and move the sun and moon themselves, but asking you to do two things at once is clearly a step too far."
Surprisingly, this did not improve her mood. "Why are we even doing this? I kind of get what you want me to do with this... what did you call it again?"
"Pickpocketing," he provided.
"Which is dumb because almost nopony has pockets. We mostly use saddlebags."
He started to respond, but hesitated. This was a rabbit hole that needed exploring. "Which implies the existence of saddles?"
"Oh, sure," she responded, brightening slightly. "I'm not really much into fashion, but Professor Rarity showed us some super cute saddle designs for her winter line."
"But who uses them?"
"...uh, ponies? Duh."
"No, I mean, who sits in the saddles?"
"Huh? Nopony sits in saddles."
"Then what are they for?"
"For wearing!"
They stared at each other for a moment, locked in a game of counter-cultural chicken.
Spy blinked first, metaphorically speaking. "...call it what you will," he said, pretending the previous exchange hadn't happened. "Bagbiting, if you must. The art of removing an item from a target's possession is in fact ideal for one of small stature. I myself managed a comfortable living of barely-avoided starvation on the streets of Paris when I was your age."
The comment was a trap, and he waited to see if Cozy Glow would stumble into it. Any discussion about his childhood would invariably lead to questions about his parents, and then she could hardly refuse to answer questions about her own. He knew enough about her now to work with her, but he found himself wanting to understand the filly, and her inexplicably absent parents had to be linked to her imprisonment in Tartarus. Of course, they could simply be dead, and that kind of cliché would be unsurprising in this storybook world. Still...
But she spotted the trap, or perhaps just chose a different response. "And that's all well and good for you, mister human with your fingers at the end of your arms. I've only got these little baby wings." She flapped them to demonstrate. "How am I supposed to take the rock when I can't even reach it?"
"Yes, that is an issue," he acknowledged. He reached into her cage and repositioned her so that her right side was against the bars. "Try it like this. It should be easier without that massive cranium in the way."
She gave him a sour look, then slipped her wing through and flexed it experimentally. "Yeah, but now I won't be able to see what I'm doing."
"Good."
"What?"
Spy pulled his arms back. "When stealing anything - be it a loaf of bread, a wallet, or a life - one of your goals should be to delay discovery of the crime for as long as possible. If you stare at your target like a deranged magpie, it gives them clear suspicion of your intent. You must be subtle, you must be quick..."
Then he opened a hand, and a yellow ribbon tumbled out, held between two clawed fingers. She blinked, then looked back at her tail, now unadorned. "...and, whenever possible, you must be outrageous," he concluded, laying the cloth over her outstretched wing.
Cozy Glow stared at the ribbon. She hadn't even felt one ringlet move. "...whoah."
"I will hold my hand steady," he said, as she twisted around to reaffix the ribbon (somehow; hooves, mouth and tiny wings didn't seem adequate for the job, but she managed it.) "You will just need to remember where it is and take the rock without looking." He reached for his pile of pebbles once more and placed one in his outstretched hand. "Again. Who-"
"And that's my other question," she said. The filly slipped her wing back through the bars and slowly moved it toward him, testing the sense of touch on an appendage rarely used for the purpose. "Why do I have to concentrate on a fake identity while I'm doing this?"
"Hm. Simply put, it's because we don't have time to spare for an extended curriculum. You need to learn the art of theft so we can escape, and the presentation of a false identity for after we escape. And the time to practice the latter is not when you are first questioned by the authorities."
She shook her head, or at least moved it to the left a few times. "No, I mean why do I need to pretend to be somepony else to begin with?"
Spy raised an eyebrow. "Because you'll be a wanted criminal and don't want to get caught?"
"So? Nopony's gonna notice me as long as I don't cause a fuss. I'm good at talking my way out of things, and most ponies are pretty... um..." She waved her other wing vaguely.
"Oblivious?" he guessed.
"Actually, I was gonna say 'easy going', but... yeah, that too." The tip of her wing finally brushed against his hand, and she carefully moved her feathers across it, probing. "I kind of get the feeling you're overcomplicating things."
Several seconds passed before he replied. "That's... not impossible," he admitted grudgingly. "This is a much simpler world than I'm used to."
"Anyway," she continued, "I'm not the problem here. I'm just another filly, but you'll be the only centaur anyone's ever seen. And everypony's gonna remember Tirek. You'd get recognized for sure!"
"Certainly..." He held up a finger. "...if they saw me at all."
Cozy Glow craned her head back and gave him as much of a dubious stare as she could manage from that angle. "What are you talking about?"
He smiled a smile of smugness. "It just so happens, my dear Miss Glow, that concealment and disguise happen to be two of my many specialties."
"Oh, come on. You're bigger than most ponies, and you've got extra body parts and everything. There's no way you'd be able to fool anypony, unless you could... I dunno, turn invisible or shapeshift or something."
Spy gave a short laugh. "As a matter of-"
"But you said humans have hardly any magic, so that's obviously out," she continued absently, still focused on her task.
"...ah. Yes, that's true." He hadn't bothered to go into details about the tools of his trade, and educating her now would waste valuable time. It wasn't useful information here in any case. "Nevertheless, I believe-"
"I mean, you guys can't even move your own Sun. That's kinda pathetic, when you think about it."
He scowled. "Nevertheless, given that Tirek apparently stayed hidden for years using only a cloak and hood, I'm confident I can avoid detection for as long as necessary."
"And if you can't?" she persisted. "What kind of 'disguise' is going to convince anypony?"
Spy paused - his plans hadn't actually gotten that far - but rallied quickly. "I'm... sure I could pass as... an alpaca, or perhaps a moose. I would just need to conceal these arms and this rather scrawny torso in a long scarf or a turtleneck sweater."
Cozy Glow regarded him doubtfully. "That'd be one big turtle."
"...yes, well, the idea could possibly use some polish," he replied testily, "so staying hidden would be best. Which is why you need to practice pretending to be someone else. If we need something that I can't acquire myself, you'll have to be the one to get it."
Though she was losing ground, the filly was determined to fight to the bitter end. "I still don't see why I need to go through all this. Like you said, Tirek didn't have any trouble, and I'm pretty sure the two of us can do better than him."
He nodded once in acknowledgement. "Of that, I have no doubt. But there is one crucial difference between his situation and ours."
"...I get the feeling you're gonna tell me what it is, even if I don't ask."
"Tirek," said Spy, ignoring this, "only had to worry about your Princesses and their guards trying to recapture him." He leaned a bit closer. "We will have Tempest."
Cozy Glow froze for a moment, her jaw slowly dropping open. "...oh." He watched as she processed this, her mind's eye predicting Tempest Shadow's reaction when the pair of miscreants escaped the inescapable prison under her very nose. Snout? Whatever. "Oh, moltfeathers," she whispered. "She's gonna flip. She's gonna go completely lunar."
He gave her a mirthless smile. "Precisely. And, bearing that in mind...?" He held out his hand, pebble resting invitingly in his palm.
For a moment, the filly still seemed to want to argue, but couldn't find the right words to do so. Eventually she gave up, and with a small sigh returned to the ready position. "Mah name," she said, with a noticeable but not overbearing accent, "is Chessie Mae from San Anponyo. Ah've come here with mah parents ta-"
Better, Spy decided. Which meant he could up the ante. "That pegasus is a spy!"
She stopped. "Wait, what? Huh? What's going on?"
"The Chessie Mae persona has been compromised," he explained. "You must switch to another identity to avoid detection. Quickly, now; the authorities could be here any minute."
Cozy Glow stared at him in disbelief. "...seriously?!" she said finally. "That's not fair!"
"The filly that tried to destroy Equestria is worried about fairness?" he jeered. "The clock is ticking, Miss Glow! Dépêchez-vous! Who are you?"
She growled in frustration, then closed her eyes, her mind racing. "Uh... I'm... hold on, let me think..."
"The Palace Guard is just around the corner! Who are you?"
Cozy Glow took a long breath, trying to calm herself. "I'm..."
"Hoofsteps in the hall, a knock on the door!" Spy shouted gleefully. "Who are-"
"Mah name," she suddenly interrupted, in the most ridiculously overblown French - or, he supposed, Prench - accent he'd ever heard, "ees Ivoree TowAIR, and how dare vous eenterrupt moi een mah own bouffant!"
He stared at her, somewhat aghast. "...perhaps... perhaps you meant... boudoir?"
"NON!" She managed the difficult task of looking down at him from a position three feet closer to the ground. "Do not presume to correctement moi een mah nayTEEVE tongue!" The way she pronounced 'tongue' was... indescribable. "Vous are just a seemple uncultured policepony peasant! Quoi would vous know about le langage de l'armoire?!"
Before she could continue, the wingtip of the newly christened Ivory Tower found the pebble it sought, and the fingers around it were loose, leaving it unprotected. "Hah! Le yoinque!" She slipped a feather underneath it and pulled it out, though the unpracticed motion sent the pebble to the ground. "Rats. Let me try that again."
There was no response, and she twisted her head to look up at him. He was completely motionless, with his eyes closed and his free hand pinching the bridge of his nose. "Um... Spy? You okay?"
Silence reigned.
"...Spy?"
Several more seconds passed, then he inhaled slowly. "It has been a pleasure working with you, Miss Glow," he said quietly, resolutely. "I wish our partnership could have lasted longer, but now I must throw your cage into the abyss. Nothing personal, I assure you. I simply cannot let..." He shuddered. "...what just happened, happen again."
Cozy Glow stared at him, then broke into a wicked grin. "Oh," she began, resuming the exaggerated accent, "did vous not enjoy mon falcon de parkour?"
"Façon de parler," he groaned.
"Hon hon hon! To zink that ze mighty Spy may be brought low avec just a soup sun of ovairacteeng!"
"Miss Glow, I beg of you. Stop this blasphemy at once!" As she cackled at his discomfort, Spy stared at the bars of his cage in blank-eyed horror. "You have not only butchered my mother tongue, but trimmed it, chopped it, combined it with various unsavory organs and hairy bits, shoved it into a grinder, squeezed it into casings, fried it, and sold it to British soccer hooligans who will inevitably vomit it back up behind the pub."
"...I'm guessing that's a meat thing," she said, dropping the accent, "in which case: gross. But you gotta admit, it'd be hard for your average policepony to handle something like that. I'm better at making ponies like me, but if I want them to just leave me alone, I can just beat them over the head with Prench attitude."
He glowered at her. "Provided you don't meet anyone fluent in the language," he said, knowing it was a feeble defense. "You can't possibly engage in actual conversation like that."
"Ehn, Prance is a long way off," she responded, waving this away, "and most ponies never travel further than the inside of their own heads."
"...something both our worlds have in common, then," he reluctantly admitted.
The filly took flight, hovering as close to his eye level as she could manage within the confines of her cage. "I keep telling you, Spy. I can handle other ponies. Tempest's a special case, but I guarantee I can outmaneuver anypony she sends after us. And if she catches us herself, we're doomed anyway." He continued to scowl, and she gave him an apologetic smile. "Besides... you just said I should be outrageous, right?"
He maintained the glare for a moment, then sighed and held up his hands in surrender. "All right, Miss Glow. Your point has been made."
"Good." Satisfied, she landed and slid her wing between the bars once again. "Now let's practice this bit some more. I see how pretending to be somepony else could be useful later, but this is the part that'll actually help right now. The Plan, remember?"
"Quite so," he said solemnly, collecting more pebbles. "The Plan."
He supposed he should think of one fairly soon.
What were his options, really?
Cozy Glow was an insistent proponent of the "confess everything" tactic. Spy had attacked Princess Luna, yes, but the filly was certain that, if he just explained his situation, she would forgive him and he would be set free. They would probably even try to help him return to his own body on Earth; he still doubted it was... 'fit for use' at this point, to put it gently, but Cozy Glow had a surprising amount of faith in Tirek's ability to survive.
He had firmly shot this idea down. Even if it were possible to send him back, even if the Princesses didn't decide that this was all just one of Tirek's tricks, and even if Luna forgave him, there was still the matter of her sister: Princess Celestia, the mare whose favorite activity seemed to be sentencing anyone who displeased her to a thousand years of captivity. Was he expected to subject himself to the whims of a creature that would put a child in a maximum security prison? No, clearly not. If, in the future, he needed to interact with her, then so be it... but it would be from a position of strength, not weakness. A little blackmail material or some strategically placed explosives would do the trick, and he suspected it would be remarkably easy to collect a few hostages if the need were to arise. Either way, it meant escaping this wretched place first.
(Of course, that was only part of the reason, and not the largest part at that. But he had no intention of letting her know this just yet.)
Even so, there was a limit to how much of a long-term strategy he could devise. Despite everything he'd learned from Cozy Glow, the world beyond Tartarus' gates was largely a mystery to him; once they escaped, they would have to find someplace to lay low and explore their options. It was impossible, therefore, to come up with a Plan, or even much of a plan, but the establishment of short term goals was certainly within reason.
Goal one: free Cozy Glow from her cage. Ideally, free them both, but... one step at a time. The presence of a lock on the filly's cage told him two things. First, that she was intended to be released at some point - his own cage, tellingly, lacked any such device, or indeed any visible means of opening - which had led him to slightly upgrade his opinion of Celestia. Apparently she wasn't fully committed to keeping the girl locked in Tartarus forever, he had to give her that much.
And the second thing was that the existence of a lock, magical or no, implied the existence of a key.
Here, he had to admit, Spy was on less stable ground than he'd like; magic was, by its very nature, illogical, and the key could be anything. But according to Cozy Glow, she had been locked in her cage by normal guards - pegasi, specifically - who did not have magic of their own, and Tempest apparently lacked the abilities of other unicorns. He just had to work under the assumption that a lock intended to be used by normal ponies would have a key to match, rather than an unlocking spell or other nonsense.
Then there was the issue of the location of the key, and here again was a necessary stab, as it were, in the dark. Tempest habitually wore clothes, which was apparently unusual among ponykind. This, at least, worked in his favor; she would be more likely to carry the key on her person given the options clothing provided, and she seemed the type that would do so to keep it safe. By necessity, it would have to be somewhere on her body that she could reach with her mouth, which excluded an uncomfortably small number of possibilities. He'd just have to keep his eyes open.
Once the key was located, it would be up to him to distract Tempest while Cozy Glow attempted to swipe the key. Doing it the other way around would have been ideal - hands, after all - but there was no conceivable way Tempest wouldn't be fully on guard against such a maneuver. She had been watching "Tirek" like a hawk during their previous encounter, and was far too shrewd to let him get his hands anywhere near her. Thus, Cozy Glow needed to learn the basics of the pickpocket's art, and learn them quickly. They couldn't know how much longer Tempest would remain in Tartarus; they had to escape before she returned to Canterlot, or else be forced to wait another few "moons" before their next attempt. Spy was never a fan of a long incarceration.
Goal two: maintain the Tirek façade; the longer they thought he was Tirek, the less they would expect it when it came time to act like himself. This, at least, was comparatively simple, and was a task he was supremely suited for. It wasn't as if Tirek had any close friends that would notice any unusual mannerisms, although - and Cozy Glow had been very apologetic about forgetting to mention this - there was every chance that Tempest had twigged onto his failure to demand she recognize Tirek's title. The damage was done. He would just have to continue as he'd started, patching it up as he went.
This didn't just apply to Tempest, however. He strongly suspected that Luna would pay him a visit while he slept and would be looking for her attacker, ready to dish out some payback. But he wasn't too concerned. Now that he had a better idea of how dreams worked in this world, he was confident that he'd be able to convince the Princess that he was, in fact, Tirek and had no idea what had happened the previous night. And if he couldn't... well. He had a few ideas how to handle that little eventuality.
Goal three: escape Tartarus. And perhaps build a spaceship out of granola while they were at it.
There was still too little information to even theorize about this. How did Tempest open the doors? A simple handle or lever was highly unlikely, this being a prison and all. The doors were much too far away to see any details, which made freeing Cozy Glow a higher priority. He could technically drag his cage all the way down there, but he could barely lift it, and those stairs did not look inviting. One false move and he could tumble into the murky depths, and he was not at all keen to test the cavern's healing capabilities in this fashion. Once out of her cage, Cozy Glow could take a closer look and report back. He was hoping for a mechanical locking system - he knew quite well how to handle those - but did not feel very optimistic on that score.
And what about Cerberus? Well, perhaps he was a concern, and perhaps not. Cozy Glow was certain he'd be an obstacle to any escape attempt, but Spy privately felt that any guard dog that fraternized with the prisoners it was guarding had not been trained very well. Then again, the hound was clearly more intelligent than a normal dog, so perhaps it wasn't an issue of training. Something to keep in mind, at least.
Regardless, and pending further information, the (extremely) tentative plan was to steal the key, free Cozy Glow, determine how the doors were opened, then in the morning send Tempest on another errand and make their escape while she was gone.
It was a bad plan, and a vague plan, and would likely be foiled by circumstances before it ever got off the ground. Still, for someone presented with the grand strategy of "move forward and kill everyone you see wearing a blue uniform" so wearily often, it was rather refreshing. Something to get the mind working after stagnating in mediocrity for so long. He was almost - almost - looking forward to putting it into action.
If only to see how badly it would fail.
Tempest's return was heralded by a bark from Cerberus that echoed across the cavern, soon followed by a sliver of light as the doors opened. Spy let the remaining pebbles fall to the ground, then lifted his cage and frantically moved it back to its original position. He paused briefly, however, and peered at the column of sunlight. It was... brighter than he'd expected? He was sure Tempest had been gone for at least an hour, but the sun didn't seem any closer to setting. But then, this wasn't Earth. Perhaps days were longer here.
Or perhaps, he thought grimly, Celestia held the entire planet hostage, moving the sun according to her own sinister agenda. He imagined entire countries left in perpetual darkness due to some imagined slight; crops withered and blighted in the eternal gloom, all according to the alicorn's deep-seated need for revenge and retribution.
("Princess, I know you want to let your sister rest, but it's well past time for-"
"Why, Raven, I have no idea what you're talking about. Sun-lowering will come in due course, but first it's important that I... um..." The ignition of a magical field. "...review this..." A desperate rustling of paper. "...trade proposal from Griffonstone! Yes. Vitally important."
"Really. The one that starts with explicitly demanding, and I quote, 'Give us all your bits,' and continuing on in a similar fashion from there. For three dozen scrolls. Plus amendments. Vitally. Important."
"...yyyyyyyes."
A long-suffering sigh. "...whatever you say, your Highness.")
Then again, he shouldn't judge. It's what he would do in her place.
But this was not the time to get distracted. He moved his cage back into place and carefully set it down, then looked over at Cozy Glow. The filly's expression was one of concentration as she flapped her wings industriously, redistributing the dust on the floor to hide any evidence of activity. Once satisfied, she raised her head and nodded at him. "Ready," she whispered.
He nodded in return, then took and held a deep breath. For Goal Two to succeed, presentation of an authentic Tirekian disposition was paramount, and the concern he had expressed for Cozy Glow had likely raised Tempest's suspicions. He had to blunt them quickly.
He waited until the tiny equine figure appeared in the doorway, carefully assumed the Tirek persona... then began to shout. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?!"
"I'LL SPEAK TO YOU HOWEVER I WANT!" Cozy Glow shot back, the grin on her face belying her angry tone. "I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM AN OLD HAS-BEEN LIKE YOU!"
"HAS-BEEN?!" He reached up and mimed shaping his own mouth into a frown. "Stay in character," he whispered, then raised his voice again. "YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE URCHIN! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE NEAR AS FAR AS YOU DID WITHOUT MY HELP!"
The filly nodded and assumed a scowl of her own. "HAH! I WOULD'VE FIGURED SOMETHING OUT! YOU WERE JUST CONVENIENT!"
"IF YOU THINK SUCH A WRETCHED, INSUFFERABLE WORM LIKE YOURSELF COULD-"
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Tempest appeared at the top of the stairs, glaring at the 'arguing' prisoners. She took deep lungfuls of air, recovering from her rapid climb, but her gaze was no less stern. "What in thunder is going on up here?"
"Tempest!" Cozy Glow's manner immediately swapped from angry villainess to frightened filly. "Please protect me from the big mean centaur!"
"Oh, please," Spy growled, rolling his eyes theatrically.
The girl's tearful expression would have been heartwrenching to anyone with an ounce of compassion... or who didn't know Cozy Glow for what she really was. Tempest Shadow was unmoved, unamused and unimpressed. "All right," she sighed, approaching the smaller cage and looking down at the filly, "what's this all about?"
Left flank, no, Spy noted, his gaze flicking from one part of Tempest's anatomy to another. Hind legs, no. Right flank... can't tell in this position...
The pegasus pouted and sniffled. "Golly, he's just being so mean to me, all because I tattled on his little escape plan! He says he's gonna obliterate me!" Her eyes grew huge and wet, trembling ever so slightly. "I'm so scared!"
Tempest responded with a look that suggested someone had performed a particularly foul bodily function quite nearby. "Yeah, see, I don't actually care if you two-"
"Don't listen to her!" Spy interrupted hotly. "She is full of lies! And insolence."
"Am not!" Cozy Glow shot back.
The mare gritted her teeth for a moment. "And now I'm a fohlengarten teacher, apparently," she muttered before turning around. "Tirek, what do you want?" Behind her, Cozy Glow began her own visual search.
"Well, I just want to make it clear," he said primly, "that I have no intention of..." He made air quotes around the next word with the smug satisfaction of being the only creature in the room capable of such a feat. "'obliterating' her just because she ratted me out..."
"I don't care...!"
"...but rather because she's incapable of following clearly written instructions!" he concluded, glaring at Cozy Glow.
"ExCUSE me?!" the filly shouted indignantly. Tempest, for her part, seemed to be deeply regretting coming back to Tartarus at all.
"Well, clearly you did something wrong," Spy said. "My spell was perfect! You must have gotten the magic all dirty!"
Her eyes narrowed. "Or maybe you aren't as clever a wizard as you think you are! You pretty much only ever used the magic you stole for getting huge and blowing up libraries! What do you even know about escape spells?"
"I know enough to make your heart escape from your stupid chest, you obnoxious little brat!" he snarled.
"Just try it, you crusty old creep!"
As they pressed against the bars of their cages and reached for each other's throats, hands and hooves flailing ineffectually in the air, Tempest decided that she'd had enough. "Knock it off!" she bellowed. "Break it up! Both of you!"
"But she-!"
And there Tempest was, right in his face with - oh, yes, Cozy Glow did mention this - electricity sparking from her broken horn. "I said drop it."
He glared back at her, gripping the bars. "I could destroy you," he growled.
The mare quirked an eyebrow. "Just try it, you crusty old creep," she said, softly echoing Cozy Glow. "I'll throw down if you've got the..." She glanced at the filly. "...stomach for it." Then she paused. "Oh, wait. You can't, can you? No magic. No brute strength. Just one antique centaur trapped like a rat."
Spy glowered at her, then looked away.
Tempest laughed once, quietly. "I thought so. Besides," she added, taking a few steps back, "that's no way to talk to the pony that brought your dinner." She twisted her head around to her left side, dipping into a bag hanging from a strap laid across her back - saddlebags, he realized - and pulled out a bundle of newspaper. Handling it (mouthing it?) with only faintly visible distaste, she tossed the bundle at his feet; it unrolled, revealing what appeared to be a large and healthy fish.
He looked down at it, prodded it with a finger, then furrowed his brow. "Raw?" Not that he was any stranger to sushi, but he doubted it was a local delicacy.
She feigned concern, poorly. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just so forgetful. Let me get that for you."
The slight menace in her tone caught his ear, and Spy managed to pull away just in time to avoid the bolt of electricity that lanced into the fish. After several seconds of blinding light he uncovered his eyes, half-expecting to see a charred lump on the floor, and was surprised to see the fish steaming gently before him; judging on sight and smell alone, it seemed perfectly cooked.
He looked at her in surprise. "A trick I learned in the Storm King's army," Tempest said dismissively. "I'm sure it doesn't measure up to the standards of the mighty Tirek, so if you want me to just throw it out...?"
Spy met her gaze defiantly, but his eyes kept flickering to the fish, pride clearly battling against hunger. "...I've had worse," he said finally, pulling both it and the newspaper into his cage. In the process, he surreptitiously glanced at Cozy Glow, who shook her head. Drat. No sign of the key yet. Well, nothing for it but to keep looking.
Nevertheless, he found he was quite enjoying himself. He so rarely got the chance to use his full range of impersonation skills; the disguise kit was a bit too useful on that score, and his opponents too dim to make it worth the effort. Unlike them, Tempest was a higher caliber of foe, well deserving of his complete repertoire. And he was particularly proud of that face off at the end. Clearly not something a simple impostor would do, was it? All very natural, very in character for an imprisoned megalomaniac like Tirek. Tempest was clever, oh yes, but after a performance like that she would be none the wiser.
While he was patting himself on the back (another activity that was his alone), the mare in question turned her attention to the other cage. "Now, what do I have for a good little filly...?" Cozy Glow perked up, eyes fixed on the other saddlebag Tempest wore. (No saddle, though. A mystery, but likely a pointless one.)
And if nothing else, his furious argument with the filly should have completely demolished any suspicion Tempest might have had about-
"...although..."
Spy looked up sharply to see Tempest pull her muzzle away from the saddlebag, a white paper sack just visible inside. She considered Cozy Glow thoughtfully. "...you aren't exactly a good little filly, are you?" she mused.
"N-no, I've been good," the pegasus stammered. She kept glancing at the paper bag, and unlike Spy her desire for what it contained wasn't just an act. "I told you what Tirek was planning, didn't I?"
"But you wouldn't be getting dinner if he hadn't pressured me into it," Tempest pointed out, her voice soft and oh-so-reasonable. He saw her ears twitch in his direction. "And after that little... disagreement, I think he should get the chance to change his mind." She turned again, crystal blue eyes fixed on Spy's impassive expression. "How about it... Tirek? Does the 'wretched, insufferable worm' get to eat? Truth be told, I'm kind of hungry myself..."
He wanted to laugh in her face. Take it, then, his instincts wanted him to say. Eat it right in front of her! Show her what it means to defy her benefactor! Such an obvious trap! If Tempest thought she could break his cover like this, she was going to be-
"Hmph! Do as you please. I couldn't care less."
Who said that?
...
...he said that? Why?! What kind of idiocy could have made him-?!
"Really," Tempest said quietly, stepping closer; behind her, Cozy Glow lunged for the saddlebag but was much too far away to claim her prize. "Now, y'see, that's strange. Just a minute ago you were threatening her with something just horrible, and now you're okay with giving her dinner?" She stopped a few feet away, watching him closely. "That's not like you... Tirek."
For that matter, it wasn't like Spy, either. (Fool! Amateur!) But he could unpack that later; focus on the issue at hand. "You know nothing about me, Berrytwist," he said with a scowl. "Don't pretend otherwise. You were off serving the Storm King during my invasion, weren't you? And now you're Celestia's hired muscle!" He sneered at her. "That doesn't make sense either, now does it?"
He saw her falter, but only for an instant; the hesitation was quickly replaced by anger. "I'm not-"
"Besides," he said, interrupting as faint inspiration struck, "it's not like it's some kind of secret plot. It's just that the brat has been nattering on about her precious hayburgers since you left. I would rather not spend the next thousand years listening to her complain about that one time I kept them from her."
She scoffed at this. "You don't seriously expect me to believe that, do you?"
"No, he's right," Cozy Glow interjected. "I'd totally do that. Can I have my dinner now, please?"
Spy made a sweeping 'well, there you are' gesture toward the other cage. "You're welcome to waste my time with these pointless questions, but could you at least do it after we eat?"
Tempest glared at him for long seconds, then the tension slowly left her. "...yeah. Okay." She turned away and dipped her head into her saddlebag, then tossed the paper sack toward the other cage. "Here you go, kid. Enjoy."
Cozy Glow nearly tore the bag apart in her eagerness, and with both hooves lifted... a collection of dried grass and flowers, apparently. In a bun. "It's beautiful," she whispered.
Spy made a deliberate sound of disgust and turned around in his cage before kneeling down, pulling his new acquisitions in front of him. Watching an equine face eat would make him lose his appetite as much as... well, as much as watching him eat would bother an obligate herbivore, most likely. Not, of course, that he did it for her sake. Of course.
Besides, he wanted a bit of privacy. He had important self-recrimination to work through.
What had he been thinking, giving up the game so easily? He was a murderer by trade, a killer in the coldest blood! It should have been the easiest thing in the world - in either world - to 'betray' Cozy Glow! She was smart, and knew the stakes here. She would have understood. And it wasn't as if she would have gone hungry; the magic of Tartarus saw to that, and despite Tempest's posturing he was highly confident she would have given the filly her meal, regardless of how he answered. Why, then, had he-
(Silently laughing at Tempest's question, Spy had glanced at Cozy Glow, expecting to see her share in his amusement.
He didn't see amusement. He saw desperation, and worry, and a longing hope that he wouldn't take from her the first taste of food she'd have in God knew how long.
He saw...)
Spy shook his head. Focus. Assess the situation. Yes, the attempt to throw Tempest off the scent had failed, but not in a way that had significantly changed their circumstances. She was clearly still suspicious, but could not be any closer to finding out who was currently inhabiting Tirek's body. This was simply... a bump in the corridor, nothing more. His opponent would be more alert, but he wasn't on fire... yet. He would just have to be more cautious from now on.
Nevertheless, he mused, the mishap had quite dulled his appetite. The fish had seemed tantalizing before, and even now sliced into flaky goodness under his claws, but it tasted of ashes in his-
There was the sound of enthusiastic chewing behind him. "Mmmf. That's good hay."
...well. Maybe the fish was still pretty tasty after all.
What happened to all that magic?
It was a question that the wizards and thaumaturgists in Canterlot hadn't gotten around to asking quite yet, which would win them a stern royal dressing-down a few days later. But it obviously wasn't a priority, was it? Cozy Glow's ritual had siphoned nearly all the magic in Equestria into a vortex, and when it was disrupted the magic just... came back. No harm, no foul, right?
On the face of it, yes, but the hypothesis ignored a crucial fact: the presence in the vortex of one Starlight Glimmer (and, eventually, six students of varied species). Magic is slippery stuff and does not like to be measured at the best of times, but given that even artifacts had been drained of their energy, the amount of magic in the vortex would have been frighteningly high. Yet Starlight and the students suffered no ill effects; they didn't even experience a heightened surge of magic in their own systems, when by all rights they should have (in accordance with Starswirl's Fourth Rule of Thaumodynamics) temporarily been given alicorn-like powers, or at the very least gotten destroyed in a very un-family friendly manner. Clearly, then, the amount contained in the vortex was less than the amount it had drained.
So where did it go? In the aftermath of what would be filed as the Tartarus Incident, Princess Twilight Sparkle (who was currently enjoying a few extra hours of daylight reading; she had not yet realized that dusk was long overdue) would speculate that the so-called magical vortex was merely the entrance of an interdimensional funnel, a swirling mystical tendril creeping through the aether. The funnel would draw in much of the magic that entered the vortex, ready to deposit the energy it held as soon as the ritual was complete. Even so, it would have had limited capacity; once it made contact with the destination realm, a certain amount of magic would have inevitably leaked through, held as a semi-coherent mass around the contact point until it was released... or, in this case, withdrawn. When the ritual was disrupted, very nearly all of it was returned to Equestria.
Very nearly.
Because when the magic was drawn back through the vortex, trace amounts of Equestrian magic had been left behind in that other realm like droplets in an emptied bucket. There it had sat waiting, and while it remained the funnel could never fully close. The two realms stayed connected by a tenuous thread, just barely large enough for (to pick a hypothetical example at random) a centaur to force his mind through. Over time, this residue had accreted, drawing together into a bulbous cloud of pink and yellow light, gently pulsating.
Equestrian magic could be considered, under certain circumstances, to be alive and possibly even slightly intelligent. The cloud was much too small to fully meet the right criteria; comparatively, it was a mere clump of moss, reacting to stimuli and little more. As far as it was aware of anything, it knew it wasn't where it should be, but there didn't seem to be anything it could do about it so that was that. It didn't know it was in some kind of underground building, or that its surroundings were warm, or dry, or dark. It just waited: unfeeling, unthinking, unknowing.
It definitely didn't know it was surrounded by a staggering amount of high explosives, which was probably for the best.
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Hey, we're back in business! And it seems Spy is having difficulties with his long-neglected parental streak.
It's Alive!
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how strange I check up on this after such a long time of no new stuff
kek
also, glad to have you back
Yes! At last, an update! Thank you so much!
This is my pile of bombs.
Also, take this cause it's a new spy cosmetic and I thought you should know.
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glad to see this back. It seems spy is being infected by friendship magic. He better hurry up before he starts feeling wierder.
after all spy would never become a softhearted fool right?Glad to see you're not dead mate. I can't wait to see where this story goes.
Mmmmmmm great chapter!
What is this "promised cringe" you're talking about author?
10218524
I posted a blog a couple months ago explaining why I hadn't updated in a while, and I mentioned that the upcoming chapter would contain extreme cringe. It was going to show up at the end of the chapter, but I changed plans and ended it early. You'll know it when you see it.
Trust me. You'll know it.
I nearly asphyxiated from laugh at Cozy's "Prench" and Spy's reaction.
He's beginning to care. A dangerous liability...
God damnit. So little chapter with no updates + Good story = a shitty experience because in the end you want more but will never get it. Tbh I could care less about what happened in the tf2 world. I skipped those chapters. But god damn I still want more chapter of the mlp world. This was started last April in 2019. It's practically canceled. Why is it the good stories
Not to mention but this is the top-rated story for tf2 fic's on the website.
btw Great Story! This would be a story I put on my sacred favorites list but the updating is a bit of a problem for me and I can't stand to have to wait for a new chapter. If I had it on that list I'd be reminded of it and want more of it later then be sad again. Though I will keep it on my favorites list.
So Raven is pony Alfred Pennyworth. Classic.
Also we need more Daddy Spy.
10219478
Dude. I'm not mad, and I'm glad you like the story, but... this ain't it, chief. I invite you to go read my blog post about why this chapter was so delayed, and contemplate how what you're saying here doesn't really contribute to getting the next one out faster.
I mean, you aren't vaguely threatening to make me poop blood, so this isn't the worst comment I've gotten, but... yeah. Unhelpful.
10220047
Oh, Sorry... I usually don't read the blog but I see why now. Most of the time when I write those comments I'm ranting to myself. It normally the story I find are always great(such as yours) but haven't updated since 2012 and such. Even yet those stories are labeled incomplete even though the next chapter would never see the light of day. Not trying to justify my last comment(which I'm sorry about) though just trying to explain why I assumed part of what was happening(which I shouldn't have assumed).
Anyways sorry about the last comment.
10220102
No worries. And sorry, but there will be more TF2verse chapters coming up. That's just the way it's gotta be. They'll be shorter than the Adventures of Spy and Cozy ones, so if you feel like you have to skip them you won't miss out on too much.
OMG IT UPDATED!
10218301
Well, Mr T managed that:
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/83972
I got lost in some parts of this chapter, especially the end.
Ah love this! Thank you!!!
If I could like this twice I would.
I find this very enjoyable
I like how nearly everyone here is in some way out of their depth.
Spy doesn't know the world. And is being infected with friendship.
Tempest is still thinking of spy as Tirek... or Tireklike.
But I'm certain both will step up their game once they learn more.
Tirek is still in the process of learning. And getting used to having to use all his guile.
And the Administrator doesn't know about magic.
I have lots of hope that this will continue to be a four way spy vs spy drama/comedy.
Things have changed from the cannon I see. Even more so than Tempest staying behind in Equestria. I wonder what else has changed?
Aww....
I have never felt so touched by eating as I am right now.
This, this is why I keep coming back to this story. You do great work sir.
Excited for the next installment, whenever that may be.
Hehe, this is very nice. I look forward to more.
10220248
Hope you find the Drive to continue this story.
10597542
I'm actually closing in on completing the next chapter. I put up a blog post a couple weeks ago that suggested I would be done today but that proved a little optimistic. Not because I haven't been writing, but because I underestimated how much writing was left to be done. I'm currently over 9,000 words, and I've still got at least one big section left. So... Soon(TM).
It will be interesting to eventually see Spy and Tirek meet.
Something else to look forward to.