The Tirek Who Tolerated Me

by Kotatsu Neko

See you in Tartarus, you handsome rogue!

There were things that Spy had to try to sleep through every morning. The brazen notes of Revellie, or at least what Soldier thought of as Revellie, played on whatever vaguely trumpet-like object he'd been able to scavenge from the garbage. The slurred challenges to teammates, inanimate objects and nonexistent enemies that marked Demoman's return from the previous night's drinking. The shouted arguments between Scout and... well, practically anyone.

None of that happened this time, and when Spy finally woke up, it was with a feeling of complete refreshment, tainted by a sense of creeping existential horror fed by his continual justified paranoia. He started to open his eyes, but memory of the previous night returned, and he quickly closed them again until he could sort things through.

All right. He'd been captured, yes? No. That was too much of an assumption. He'd been knocked out, that much he was sure of. Anything past that was suspect.

Had he been captured? It was beginning to seem more and more unlikely as he considered the possibility. Anyone likely to have retrieved his unconscious body would probably not have allowed him to wake up as pleasantly as he did. The same could be said if his teammates had found him, no doubt puzzled about his sudden absence. They would be so concerned at first - Spy never considered himself to be anything but the cherished backbone of the team, no matter how many times he was proven wrong - but then, when they saw what was beside his prone form...

No. During his... experience the previous night, he was certain he would be killed, or worse. That certainty was fully justified, he knew, yet it was completely at odds with the well-being he currently felt. On the other hand, the things he saw and heard last night... well, hallucinogenic chemicals were clearly the most logical explanation!

...weren't they?

He was not a connoisseur of such matters, but as he understood it, drug-induced fantasies were never so... consistent as the story the little pony had told him. Though the foundation of it had been utterly preposterous, once it had been established, there were no random leaps of logic connecting one thought to another, which one would expect from a delusion created by an altered mind. It all fit together, ludicrous as it had been. That consistency had even, he realized, followed him into his dream... and that, too, was odd. He'd never had a dream so lucid, or remembered one so well upon awakening. Which meant that, if his hallucination was not a hallucination, if everything had been real...

Then he may have assaulted - from ambush - one of the entities responsible for his incarceration. That... did not bode well.

But this was all speculation. It was still possible that he'd been found by some unknown third party, a Good Samaritan that had found him and brought him to their home, letting him rest in a nice, soft bed. Of course, he could tell by the feel of it that he was on the ground, but perhaps he had fallen out during the night.

Yes. All he had to do to confirm it was open his eyes and see anything other than-

"Good morning, mister!" Cozy Glow chirped. "Are you feeling better? Less weird, maybe?"

Spy closed his eyes again. "Merde."

The tiny pegasus tilted her head to one side. "You keep saying that word. What does it mean?"

"It means I desperately want a cigarette," he lied, though to be fair, just because it was a lie didn't meant it wasn't also true. He forced himself to sit up; this took some time, but he eventually managed to get all his legs under him comfortably.

"Golly. I don't know what that word means either!"

Spy paused and stared at her. "No cigarettes? What about 'cigar'? 'Tobacco'?" He made a face. "'Menthol'?"

She considered this. "Hmmm... nope, nope, nope! Never heard of any of that. What are they?"

"...that confirms it," he declared with a sigh. "I really am in Hell."

Cozy Glow giggled. "No, silly! I told you, you're-"

"In Tartarus, yes, I was being... never mind." He rubbed his face to banish the last traces of sleep, and was reminded of its new altered form. The hated nose ring was still there, as well as a beard of not-unreasonable length, and... horns? Really? Just give him a pitchfork, why don't they...

The pegasus gasped. "Wait a minute... does that mean...?"

"Yes," he said wearily, "I have to admit that all this is increasingly unlikely to be a hallucination. In defiance of solipsism, I will accept - for the moment - that this place, this world, is real." He surveyed the pastel-colored pony before him. "No matter how ridiculous that may be."

Cozy Glow blinked in confusion. "Gosh, you sure do use a lot of big words, mister... um..." She hesitated. "That's right, I never got your name, did I?"

"Names are such-" He stopped and shook his head. "You may call me Spy. It's as good a name as any other."

He expected a comment, as so often happened, on how strange the name was, but here it seemed to pass muster. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Spy!" She pushed a hoof between the bars of her cage and held it out to him with a broad smile.

"Likewise, I'm sure," he said distractedly. Good grief, he wasn't wearing a shirt after all, was he? This was fur. And not even the good kind of fur that relied on the cruelty to woodland creatures, no, this was fur growing from his actual skin. Did they not even clothe their prisoners in this wretched place? The standard orange jumpsuit was a fashion disaster, but at least it met minimum standards of decency. And he was being paraded before a small child as well! All right, yes, the child also appeared to be unclothed, but that only made it worse! At least he didn't appear to have any nipples...

Cozy Glow cleared her throat meaningfully. Spy looked up, and saw that she was still reaching out to him. "...oh. Yes." He shook her ha... hoof, noticing the oddly soft texture where, on any natural creature, he would have expected calloused skin from walking. He was sure Medic would have thoughts on the subject, but all things considered it was a small mercy that the doctor would never be exposed to Cozy Glow.

The pegasus clapped her hooves together in excitement. "Oh, I know we're just going to be the best of friends!" She sat down and looked at him expectantly. "So, Mister Spy! Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"I'm a gardener," he said immediately, the lie coming automatically.

Her brow furrowed. "A... gardener?"

"Yes. A gardener. I garden. It is very boring." He decided to give standing a try. Coordinating two extra limbs would stymie any normal man, but with his natural dexterity and extensive physical training, he-

His hind legs decided to part ways with the floor, and he sat down heavily.

"...but last night, you thought I was sent to... to get rid of you," she said over his muffled curses. "That doesn't sound like something that would happen to a gardener."

"I am a very bad gardener. I have ruined many gardens, but I persist because I love what I do. Which, as I said, is very boring and not worthy of discussion in any way," he added, in case she hadn't gotten the hint.

Cozy Glow watched him for a moment, then laughed. "No... you can't fib a fibber! There's something else going on here. What's your real job, Mister Spy?"

He, in turn, regarded the pegasus with a spark of interest. This one was sharper than she looked. "Are you sure you want to know?" She opened her mouth to respond, but he raised a finger. "Think about this carefully. What I will tell you isn't very pleasant, and is not something I would usually discuss with a child." Particularly one that couldn't say the word 'kill'.

The expression she wore was gratifying, he thought. Appropriately fearful and uncertain, but with just a soupçon of adolescent curiosity. "Oh, gee. Um, well..." He could see her change her mind several times before coming to a decision. "...all right. Tell me."

Spy smiled thinly. "You're sure?"

She hesitated, then nodded.

"Very well, then. I..." Dramatic pause. "...am an assassin."

Cozy Glow tilted her head in puzzlement. "I don't..."

"A hitman. A contract killer." He leaned forward and broadened his smile, his eyes wide. "I murder people. For money."

She swallowed nervously. "You... you do?"

"Oh, yes. And I am exceptionally good at it."

"Th... this is a joke, right?" Cozy Glow backed away from him. "Y-you're just being weird again. Right?"

"It's no joke, Miss Glow. I have killed hundreds. Thousands. Is it really so surprising?" He gestured at his cage. "With a prison such as this, surely this 'Equestria' of yours has seen violence before?"

"B-but you seem so... nice!"

He gave her a small bow. "Thank you. I pride myself on maintaining a level of civility."

"Oh, my goodness." She paced around her cage, not looking at him. "I'm used to being around Tirek, and he's pretty bad, but..."

"Shall I tell you about my most memorable assignment?" he asked, thoroughly enjoying this. "Picture a delightful woodland cottage in summer. A loving married couple live there, along with their strong son and beautiful baby daughter. They even have a dog."

She brightened. "I love dogs! They're so cute!"

"Indeed. The dog had to go first, of course," Spy continued. "It knew too much."

Shocked realization gripped the pegasus. "Nooo!"

"Then the son, a strapping lad about your age, I would guess. Got good grades in school, liked to play with his train set, and was skilled in seven different lethal martial arts. I still have the scar."

"I can't believe you would..." She stopped. "Wait... what?"

"And the parents - she an expert in marine biological warfare, he a master combat chef - combined their skills to create a murderous octopus capable of throwing seven flaming kebabs at once, which I barely-" He saw her expression of horrified confusion. "Well, what did you expect? Someone of my caliber would hardly be called in to dispatch ordinary people."

"But... what about the baby? You didn't hurt the baby, did you?!"

"Of course not. What do you take me for?" She relaxed... until he continued. "She was the objective. The formula for a highly potent neurotoxin had been tattooed on her tiny infant skull. After I disabled the explosive traps on her crib, I turned her over to my employers. They've treated her well, I understand. Still in kindergarten, and she's already eliminated three counter-agents sent to retrieve her."

Cozy Glow stared at him. "Your whole world is weird."

He shrugged. "That was an exception, of course. My job is rarely that exciting. Currently I'm on a long-term contract with a very old firm, working with a team of brutes, maniacs and reprobates on a variety of missions. Sometimes a target must be eliminated to protect my teammates. Sometimes a target is between us and our objective. Sometimes the target must die to keep them from pushing a large explosive device into our base, and to keep them from keeping us from pushing a large explosive device into their base. Sometimes they are simply filthy bushmen who have thrown their disgusting jars at me once too often!"

Spy realized he was shouting, and forced himself to calm down. "Ahem. What I mean to say is that my world is... a complicated one, and I do whatever it takes to finish the job. I slip behind enemy lines, and with my little knife, I dispatch anyone who gets in my way." He gave her a flat, direct look, to dispel any misunderstanding. "Anyone."

He let that hang in the air for a moment. "So. You wanted to know about me, Miss Glow? That is who I am: a killer for hire. A dashing rogue who thinks nothing of the sanctity of life. If that makes me a villain, then so be it. I will stay true to my calling."

Having completed his lecture on his favorite subject, Spy waited, letting silence carry the rest of the discussion. Finally, Cozy Glow said, in a shocked whisper, "My goodness... To hurt so many, just to get what you want... that sounds so... so..."

He chuckled. "Horrible? Appalling? Terrifying?"

"...rewarding."

Spy looked up sharply. "I beg your pardon?"

"Hm? Oh, golly! What I mean is, you're willing to do such terrible things, just to help out your, uh, 'team'! That's pretty admirable, when you think about it!"

He was briefly taken aback. "Well. Not 'just' for that reason. I did mention the money." But he was watching her carefully now. There had been an edge to her initial response, and the slightest stumble before she leapt into her oh-so-fluffy childish persona. There was something beneath the surface there, he was certain. And he remembered a question from the previous night that had never gotten a proper answer...

"But still," she gushed, "the fact that you'd go that far for your friends is-"

She stopped, interrupted by Spy's snorting laughter. "Friends? No, no, no. Don't misunderstand, Miss Glow. I work with these people, yes, and there is a certain... camaraderie. But friends? Hardly. Associates, at best."

The pegasus looked downcast. "Aw, gee, that's too bad. There isn't anything more important than friendship!"

"Really."

"Well, sure! That's how Tirek got defeated and put back in here. Twilight Sparkle told us all about it at Friendship School! When everything seemed darkest, she and the other teachers were empowered by the Elements of Harmony, and they got all glowy, with magical super-long manes-"

"Fascinating." You could moor boats to his tone of voice.

"-and then they used the magic of friendship to defeat him!" She blinked as a thought occurred. "You should try being friends with your team, instead of just associates. I bet you'd all do so much better!"

He tried, without much success, to ignore the image of the Heavy with long, magical locks that flashed through his mind. "Again, I should point out that the thing we'd be doing so much better would be murdering people."

"And that's terrible," she said quickly, "but maybe by working together you could figure out how to get things done... without hurting anyone?"

Spy laughed. "I'm afraid not. To them, violence is generally considered a bonus, if not a necessity."

"Aw, c'mon," Cozy Glow insisted. "They can't be that bad, can they?"

He regarded her silently for a moment. Truth be told, he had hoped to scare the filly into silence with his story; he would need peace and quiet to collect his thoughts, and she had a Scout-like loquaciousness. That plan, however, had not worked as intended, and now he was having to re-evaluate Cozy Glow. Who was she, really? What was she hiding? She was being more careful now, but he could bide his time and strike when her guard was down. It's what he was best at, after all.

"All right, then," he said. "Let me tell you another story..."

---

Leagues away in Canterlot, there was a plate of chocolate chip pancakes. It sported a smiley face of whipped cream (with cherries for pupils) and looked absolutely delicious, yet remained uneaten. Completely untouched, in fact... except for the way Princess Celestia kept making it grubby by glancing at it every ten seconds.

"Is there a problem, Princess?" asked Raven Inkwell, Celestia's trusted advisor, as she approached the table.

"Hm? Oh... no. I'm sure everything's fine."

Raven raised an eyebrow. "If you want her pancakes, I'm sure Princess Luna wouldn't mind." Celestia glowered at her, and she smiled slightly. "I noticed that the Moon was still up at this morning's Raising. Another difficult night for Luna?"

Celestia sighed. "It must have been. This isn't the first time she's worked so hard she's forgotten to lower the Moon, but she usually makes it to breakfast."

"Shall I wake her up?"

"No, no. If she's this tired, she's probably earned her rest." She took a bite of her own pancakes, but glanced at Luna's plate again.

"As you wish." She pulled a scroll from her saddlebag and placed it on the table. "This morning's reports."

"Thank you, Raven." The mare bowed, and was nearly to the door when the Princess spoke again. "Raven? Was this... everything?"

She turned, puzzled. "Ma'am?"

Celesta, magically holding the unrolled scroll before her, was peering closely at it, even checking both sides of the parchment. "Was this everything from last night?"

"As far as I know."

"There weren't any..." She waved a hoof. "...earthquakes? Monster attacks? Late night pie-eating contests?"

"No, your Highness. There was a bit of magical turbulence in the late afternoon, according to reports from various unicorns, but it was so minor I didn't think it was worth mentioning. Other than that, it was very peaceful."

"But... that doesn't make sense! Why would..." Celestia stood up suddenly. "Come with me!"

Raven quickly followed behind Celestia as the alicorn hurried toward her sister's quarters. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"If there was no reason for a rash of nightmares last night," Celestia replied, "then Luna couldn't have overworked herself. Something must have happened to her!"

Raven wouldn't have her position if she was a slow thinker. "Something to do with the turbulence? I thought it was just aftereffects from that pegasus filly's spell!"

"I'm afraid you may be right," Celestia said darkly.

They arrived at Luna's bedchambers, and Celestia knocked heavily on the door. "Luna? Sister, are you there?!"

The room beyond remained utterly silent.

"Luna, I'm coming in!" She pushed the door open, and...

Raven clapped a hoof to her mouth. "Oh my goodness!"

...Luna's prone form was spread out on the floor, one leg tucked uncomfortably beneath her. A small end table had been knocked over when she fell, and personal items were scattered nearby.

"Luna!" Celestia hurried over to her sister and knelt next to her, looking her over intently. "...thank the stars, she's still breathing!" She looked at Raven sharply. "Get a doctor! Quickly!"

As the pony sped away, she continued to minister to Luna with tears in her eyes. "Sister, wake up! Speak to me!"

Long seconds passes with no response... then a faint groan arose, and Luna's eyes opened fractionally. "...s...sister..."

"Oh, thank goodness! Help is coming. What happened to you? Was it Tirek?"

"...no..." Luna managed, fighting a losing battle against the pain. "...not tirek... someone else..." Her eyes fluttered shut once more.

"Please, wake up, sister! Sister! Luna!"

Comments

[nightmaster0]

Brilliant chapter.

[ponyreaper1]

More please

[ledezma25]

your ability to write dialogue is really good

[Zum1UDontNo]

"Fascinating." You could moor boats to his tone of voice.

This may be the single greatest line I've ever read. Permission to steal it?

[Kotatsu Neko]

9575981
Thanks! Though given that this is mostly two characters in cages, in a featureless room, dialogue is kinda the only tool available at the moment. 😅

9576093
Absolutely. Feel free.
(EDIT: Though come to think about it, there's a non-zero chance I stole it from somewhere myself and don't remember, so...)

[A Drunk Soviet]

I can't wait to see what comes next, great work!

[Jarimor]

vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/tf2freakconcept/images/1/15/Butt_Secks.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20171129001631

[FredMSloniker]

I see what you did with the title.

[Venerable Ro]

Sooner or later, Spy's going to figure out what he's sharing a prison with. I'd wager he'd rather have herr Doctor back.

[29000 Kevin]

Well oh dear things have escalated quickly with Princess Luna, the moon has stayed up to morning creating untold chaos that Discord is gonna notice, something seems strange with Cozy Glow something fragile inside her has tried to make an appearance after Spy gave bad influence to her mind...and Princess Celesta is going to make someone suffer for what they had done to her sister.

Spy my not know it but he has sowed the whirlwind and he will reap it, if Luna remembers what happened.

[MidnightBlossom]

This is really good so far

[Dragon Turtle]

9575981
I'm most impressed with the internal narration!

[BrokenLifeCycle]

"Indeed. The dog had to go first, of course," Spy continued. "It knew too much."

He's LUCKY that the dog didn't belong to JOHN WICK.

[tsaukpaetra]

Poor Luna, never been socked away like that, eh?

[BeastofGilchrist]

9927317
spy vs the boogeyman? YES PLEASE!!!!

[Dragon Turtle]

It's very boring rewarding as the reader try to figure out what Cozu Glow is ACTUALLY thinking and trying to get out of Spy.

[Reppukken]

This chapter had me laughing my ass off. I can't wait to read more

[Zaten the Changeling]

yknow, for something with the subject matter of... well, the Spy from TF2, this is surprisingly well written and i quite enjoy it.

[darklight731]

Knowing spy, he will probably get along with Cozy juuust fine.

[Seeking_slaanesh]

"I am a very bad gardener. I have ruined many gardens, but I persist because I love what I do. Which, as I said, is very boring and not worthy of discussion in any way, " he added, in case she hadn't gotten the hint.

This may have been mentioned but anyway is one word

[Kotatsu Neko]

11838718
Anyway is one word. Any way is two words. Congratulations!