The Tirek Who Tolerated Me

by Kotatsu Neko

Sorry to horn in unannounced.

Weeks later - long after everything had been righted, after the Basin had been destroyed (twice), after his very awkward interview with the Administrator - a visitor to his sanctum may have noticed a new addition to the mantle over his fireplace. It was distinctly out of place compared to the fine art and implements of death that surrounded it: a padlock, of crude and cartoonishly simple design, its case battered and its shackle sheared. If asked about it, Spy would describe it as a memento, a reminder of a path begun and a path ended. Some small thing to be proud of, even for one such as he.

Of course, very few people ever entered his quarters, and he was rarely well-disposed toward those that did, so nobody ever asked him about it. But that's how he would have answered, if they had. And they weren't Scout.

---

Princess Luna had fallen ill! The flurry of activity at Luna's chambers had been observed by a passing maid, and from there the rumor had taken flight. Quite literally, as in her panic the young pegasus had leapt from the nearest window to make her escape from the sudden hustle and bustle.

"Um. Fifter?"

Princess Luna had been injured! The flighty maid had explained the situation to the kitchen staff while she calmed down with a refreshing glass of carrot juice, fitting in as many embellishments as possible. The other ponies, many of whom had been palace staff since before Luna's return, had never known either alicorn to suffer a single day's illness. No, they decided, the Princess wasn't sick. She could only have been wounded! And that meant...

"Fifter."

Princess Luna had been attacked! The rumor rippled out from the kitchen, passing from pony to pony in an unstoppable wave. The lack of alarm bells or marching guards seemed to dispute the theory, but when a herd of medical ponies was spotted hurrying toward Luna's room, it was revived and became a tsunami of gossip that even reached the royal courtroom.

"Feleftia!"

Princess Luna had been murd-

"Feleftia, pleafe! You're fuffocating me!"

The Princess of the Sun was the picture of concern, a pair of well-fluffed cushions held in her magic field. "Oh, I'm so sorry, sister! Am I being too... smothering?"

"Yef! Literally! Thif if far too many pillowf!" One midnight-hued hoof tried to sweep the offending objects off her bed, but Luna only managed to sink deeper into the pile.

"Sorry! Sorry." Pale yellow hornlight glowed, and half of the pillows were excavated from around Luna's disgruntled form. There were bags under her eyes, a thermometer in her mouth, and an ice pack on her head. "I'm not thinking very clearly right now, I suppose," Celestia continued.

Luna sighed. "I underftand," she said around the thermometer. "I cannot fay I wouldn't-" The instrument was roughly snatched from her mouth by one of the half-dozen doctors stationed around her bed, and Luna glared at her briefly. "-have done the same."

"Are you sure you're feeling all right?" her sister pressed, trying to get a clear look between the massed medicos. "I know there was no physical damage, but to be attacked in a dream...!"

"No, it's not all right, but it's just a headache." Her horn throbbed, and she closed her eyes tightly for a moment. "...a rather intense headache, but still just a headache. I am certain I will recover by tonight."

"Tonight? But... Luna, you can't mean to return to your duties so quickly!"

"I must! In my foolishness, I abandoned our ponies to their nightmares for a thousand years; I will not-!" She stopped, affronted, and turned a baleful gaze on the nurse who had seized one wing and impersonally stretched it out, a roll of bandages to hoof. "I am not in need of a wing splint," she grated. "Thank you." The nurse defiantly matched her stare with a look that clearly asked 'Oh, so there was a medical academy on the moon, then?', but he rolled his eyes and relented.

"Our ponies," Celestia tried, "would rather have you well than suffer for their benefit. Luna, you can't even magic a few pillows off your bed! How do you intend to raise the moon?"

"I... was planning to leave that to you, sister," Luna admitted. "But my duties in the Dream Realm are much less strenuous." She smiled slightly. "I could do them in my sleep."

Celestia treated her to a sour look. "All right, everypony," she announced to the room at large, "we should let my sister rest. If she's able to make such a bad joke, she must be feeling better." She ushered the medical ponies out, then paused at the door. "Luna... the creature that attacked you... are you sure it wasn't Tirek?"

The Princess of the Moon frowned, troubled. "...I can't say it's impossible it was him," she said finally. "I wish I could be positive, and at the time I was convinced it was somecreature else, but I never actually saw him."

"Him?" Celestia pressed.

"Well, my attacker appeared male, but I suppose it's possible to intentionally project a different gender. Dreams are extremely malleable, after all. But beyond that... I don't know, sister. At first, I thought it was Tirek. His tone was so... smug and condescending, much as I remember from our last encounter with that monster." Her horn glowed darkly, until she winced and it flickered out. "We never did get to fully... register our disapproval over that."

"No, we did not," her sister agreed with steel in her voice. "I'm tempted to go to Tartarus and question him myself. Disapprovingly." She lifted a hoof as Luna started to protest. "I know, I know, it's too dangerous. We'll just have to let our friend handle it."

This did not seem to reassure Luna much. "I'm... still not sure about her. Can she be trusted?"

"Twilight Sparkle thinks so," Celestia said with a calm smile, "and I've learned to trust her judgment. Now, go to sleep, Luna. If you insist on watching over the Dream Realm tonight, I want you well-rested."

"Of course, sister. Thank you."

Celestia left, and Luna lay back, shifting into a more comfortable position. She hadn't needed her sister's encouragement, having already decided to regain as much strength as she possibly could...

...before she returned to take care of last night's unfinished business.

Her sister just didn't understand. She'd moved past actively punishing herself, but Luna could never truly atone for what she had done so long ago. The Dream Realm was her domain, her responsibility, and if anything within could potentially threaten the ponies of Equestria - and Luna counted Celestia among that number - then she would lay down her very life to eliminate that threat.

So she would rest, and when night fell she would seek out the dream of 'Tirek', whoever the dreamer might actually be. And if they posed any kind of threat to her charges, she would strike them down with every ounce of power and fury she possessed.

Disapprovingly.

---

Claw slipped into metal aperture, scraping against the sides in a careful search.

"That's good. Keep going."

A channel was found inside the hole, and was meticulously explored.

"Nice job!"

Nothing of note was found, and the claw moved deeper into the device.

"Oh, so close! You'll get it next time!"

Again, the claw's owner seemed dissatisfied, and it was withdrawn as further exploration was considered.

"You can do it! I know you can!"

The claw moved toward another part of the device... then paused, waiting.

"Great! That's the way to do it!"

The sharpened nail began to tap against the metal casing with an annoyed click-click noise.

"You've almost got it! Just a little-!"

"Miss Glow."

"Yes, Mister Spy?"

"You're hovering."

"I have to. There isn't enough room to properly fly in here."

Spy took a slow breath. "I mean you're too close and getting in the way. This is very delicate work and I need to concentrate."

"...oh!" She backed off and landed. "Sorry. I just thought you could use a little friendly motivation!"

"Well, thank you, but silence would be more helpful."

"You got it!" A full seven seconds passed, and then: "Golly, I've never seen anyone actually pick a lock before."

Spy, who had been braced for the interruption, continued his work on the padlock hanging from the filly's cage. "Mm."

"Don't you need special tools for that? Like a hairpin? Or a horn?"

He grunted. "Yet all I have are... these," he said, extending his clawed digits. "Hence the need for concentration."

"Right, right. Sorry." Ten seconds this time. "...how does it work?"

"...Miss Glow..."

"Well, excuse me for being curious!" she said sharply. "I just want to help if I can, since we're partners and all."

He stopped and looked at her for a moment. "Well..."

"Fine, I get it!" Cozy Glow turned around in her cage and sat down. "I'll just wait over here and shut my mouth like a good little filly! You go ahead and-"

"All right, all right." Spy held up a hand in surrender. "My apologies, Miss Glow. I'm not used to working with someone with genuine interest in my skills. My teammates excel at their own tasks, but are not... suited to the subtle arts."

She perked up. "Then...?"

"Attend. There are many things I will need to teach you if were are to succeed, and we may as well start here." He didn't actually see how the skill would be of any use to a creature with no hands, but... well, someone had to have made the thing, hadn't they? And as his old mentor had always said, teaching was the second best way to learn. Perhaps training the filly would help him find a vulnerability in the lock itself.

"...yes, sir, Professor Spy!" She gave him a broad, toothy grin, then rose up toward the lock. "So, um... I don't actually know how a lock works..."

"The basics, then. This loop is the shackle, this box the housing. The keyhole is on one end of the cylinder, which is just as it sounds. If the cylinder is turned, the shackle is released. Do you understand?"

"Shackle, housing, cylinder. Got it."

"Good. Now, to stop the cylinder from turning, there are multiple matching holes drilled into the housing and cylinder. Within these holes are the pins, tiny rods pushed down by equally tiny springs. They are designed to naturally extend from the housing into the cylinder, preventing movement." He paused and looked at her frown. "Can you picture that?"

"I... I think so..." She brightened. "Oh! That's what the pokey parts on a key are for, isn't it?"

Spy beamed at her. "Precisely! Well done. They push in the pins to the correct height and allow the cylinder to turn, opening the lock."

"That's so cool! And to pick it you just push the pins up? But that's so simple!"

"There are various techniques, but that is the gist of it. Normally I would use a pick or rake to lift the pins and a tension wrench to adjust the cylinder, but I'm having to make do." He returned to his task. "This looks like an immensely simple lock, and I thought these claws would do the job, but I've yet to find the pins. Perhaps there's some hidden mechanism..."

She hovered closer, though was careful to stay out of his way. "Well, it's been a while since they put me in here, but I don't think they did anything special. I do have one question though."

"Hm?"

"How are you going to get past the locking spell?"

He froze, then lifted his head to stare at Cozy Glow as she flittered about, trying to see the lock from every angle. "What."

"The locking spell! It's a magic lock, so there's a locking spell. How do you usually bypass those?"

There was no response, and she looked up to see him still staring at her. "Um... Spy?"

To her surprise, he let the lock drop and pulled his torso back into his cage, slumping against the bars. "Of course. Of course. This entire world was clearly crafted to mock my very existence, so why should this one little thing be any different?"

Cozy Glow rolled her eyes. "You're being dramatic and weird again. What's the problem with..." She stopped. "Oh. Right. No magic in your world, huh?"

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "No locking spells, certainly."

"Well... it's no big deal! Even if you'd gotten me out, I'd still be stuck in Tartarus."

"Yes, but at least that would have been something." He sighed. "I would have liked to accomplish something today, anything at all."

Concerned, she landed at the point of her cage nearest to his. "C'mon, Spy, don't be upset. Weren't we going to plan our big escape? I told you everything I know about Tartarus, didn't I?"

Yes, she had, and that was the problem. It had taken a distressingly short amount of time, and that was no comment on her depth of knowledge. "Do you know why it's possible to pick a lock, Miss Glow? A normal lock?"

"Gosh, no. Why?"

"Because every lock has imperfections. You push one pin and twist the cylinder until it sticks, but if the holes were perfectly aligned, you couldn't push in the other pins without releasing the first. Irregular spacing and tiny differences in the angles of each hole allow you - with care - to set each pin in a way that they stay in place."

"...okay, but I don't-"

"Finding such imperfections in your target - in any target - is the foundation of the subtle arts. You already know this, Miss Glow. You didn't go barging toward your final goal; you crafted a plan to bypass each and every obstacle in your way. And when it comes to escaping confinement, the imperfections to look for generally come from one place: the human element."

"...ahem."

He waved a hand. "Or the pony element, yes, yes."

Cozy Glow sat back, frowning. "I don't really see what you're getting at."

"Well, let's review. What was the first thing I asked you?"

"You wanted to know about the guards!" she answered promptly. "Their schedules, their personalities, who seemed most open to a bribe, things like that."

"And you said?"

"There are no guards."

"Correct."

It had been... disheartening, really. No guards? Obviously not. Why guard a place where it's impossible to escape?

But then who brought their food? Nobody, or rather 'nopony'. The magic of Tartarus sustained its occupants, removing the need for food or water, as well as the need to visit, as Cozy had put it, the 'little filly's room'.

What about personal care? Laundry clearly wasn't an issue, but surely they were allowed to exercise and bathe? No need. The magic kept them clean and in good health.

Surely they were allowed mental stimulation? Books, music, social contact of any kind? Well, they had each other, didn't they? And you could make tiny sculptures with the debris around your cage! That was fun... for a little while.

Spy had a vision of Tirek, trapped alone in this place for a thousand years with no outside contact or distractions apart from what could be managed within a cell barely larger than he was, and found a spark of genuine anger kindling within him. It was just a spark, and from the sound of it Tirek didn't deserve much pity, but still...

"I mean, someone does come to check on us every couple of moons," Cozy Glow continued, "but they just visited recently, so they won't be back for a while."

"No guards, no cooks, no opportunity to stretch our legs..." He reached down and ran a finger across the dusty floor. "...and certainly no cleaning staff. Doesn't the 'magic of Tartarus' bother to sweep up?" Spy shook his head. "Magic, magic, magic. We have many stories about magic in my world, and they so very rarely end well. This is not a prison, Miss Glow. This is a vault. It is a safe deposit box where you put things you don't need any more... and forget about them."

Her ears drooped. "...is it really that bad?"

"It rather sharply limits our options. Without guards or workers, there's nobody-"

"Nopony."

"...to provide any 'imperfections' to exploit. We will be able to work uninterrupted, which helps, but I'd rather have somebody to outwit or-"

"Somepony." She saw his glower. "What?"

"...Miss Glow. I appreciate that, while our languages are unrealistically similar, there are certain differences in pronouns that may seem counterintuitive to you, but allow me to point out that ponies have bodies, and so my more general, species-neutral term would still apply and is not in need of correction at every turn. Agreed?"

"All right, all right! Sheesh."

"Thank you." A memory rose. "Didn't you say you had written to Tirek? How?"

She leaned closer conspiratorily. "That's the weird thing. When I sent him that first letter asking for his advice on taking over Equestria, he said that a mailpony just showed up to deliver it, and whenever he wanted to send a letter back, she'd somehow know and show up to take it. He never saw how she got here or how she left; she'd just fly into the walls a few times and vanish when he wasn't looking."

Spy perked up. A loophole in Tartarus' defenses? This sounded encouraging. "Perhaps we could use this to our advantage. Is there anyone to whom you could send a letter? Family, or-"

"No," she said, too quickly. "Anyway, they put a stop to that after they caught me. Now our 'warden' handles all of our mail... not that we ever get any."

He looked down at Cozy Glow for a moment, filing the exchange away for future examination, then sighed. "Then I'm not sure how to progress. If this place does keep us healthy, we could ignore the limits of our forms and, for instance, dig our way through solid rock using nothing but our bare hands... or hooves," he added, as she opened her mouth. "But I, for one, would not want to try it."

"Yeah. And that's assuming there aren't spells protecting the walls, too."

"Precisely." He looked around at the vast cavern, but just like the last two dozen times, an escape route failed to materialize. "This is preposterous. Even from a jailer's perspective, this is the worst possible way to contain someone!"

She tilted her head. "I dunno, Spy. An inescapable prison seems like a pretty good way to do it."

"Yes, but what happens if it isn't inescapable? Tirek managed it, did he not?"

"Yeah, but there were special circumstances," Cozy Glow said dismissively. "There was a huge breakout a few years back. I heard a lot of different villains and monsters got out then."

He looked around Tartarus again. From his position at the center of the... plateau? He wasn't sure what the technical word for the flat outcropping would be, underground geologic terminology being another field of study he'd never picked up. But from where his cage was, his field of vision did not include much that was below the level of the floor. He could see a few things out on the edge of the cavern - there were scattered boxes in the shadows there, suggesting more cages - and there was a hint of a path leading up toward the prisoners, but that was it.

What was significant, however, was what he couldn't see... or, rather, hear. "Were none of these other prisoners recaptured? It's been very quiet in here."

The filly shrugged. "Some of the monsters were, but when she found out about them Professor Fluttershy had them released into her care for rehabilitation. She said keeping them in cages was cruel."

Spy looked at her, stunned. "...and yet they left Tirek - and you - in here?"

"Well, we're evil. That's different."

He watched her a moment longer, then leaned back and stared at nothing. Was it just a cultural difference? To have this small child matter-of-factly calling herself evil... back home, he was sure any number of people would be calling Child Protective Services to get her the help she needed. There was a dark thread running through this storybook land, but he wasn't sure whether it was using the pick stitch of cruelty or the stoating of madness. Or perhaps just the lazy daisy of stupidity.

(Spy occasionally sewed in his off time. It was soothing.)

"...you okay, Spy?"

He shook his head to clear it. "Just... thinking."

Cozy Glow studied him for a moment, concerned. "This whole 'no guards' thing seems to really be bothering you."

"It's not that I'm bothered," he said defensively, "it's just... bad form. On a professional level. A jail that ignores its prisoners is apt to lose them, in which case why bother with a jail at all?"

"Okay, but they do check on us now," she pointed out.

"Yes, but only once every few months?"

"Uh, moons, but..."

He waved this away. "If it's longer than a week, and a prisoner got out just after a check... Miss Glow, I myself could thoroughly go into hiding in a matter of days, even in this form. Several weeks? That may as well be a thousand years. They'd never find me."

"Golly!"

"Indeed. It's almost as if they want people to escape from their sealed tomb. It's... idiotic." Several seconds passed in silence before Spy realized that Cozy Glow was peering at him intently. "...what?"

"...you're mad," she said in realization.

"Wha...? Certainly not!"

"You are!" There was unmistakable glee in her voice. "You were so looking forward to showing off how clever you are by getting past the guards, and now we're back to square one and you can't handle it!"

"That's not it at all!"

"Awww, poor Spy," she said, barely suppressing a snicker. "Don't worry! I'm sure you were going to be... really cool...!" And then, unable to hold it back any longer, she collapsed with a peal of laughter. He glowered down at Cozy Glow as she laughed...

But then he stopped, his expression easing. When was the last time, he wondered, that she had been given the opportunity to laugh like this? How long had this oubliette denied her the basic comforts that any thinking mind craves? No food, no water, no bed, no entertainment or exercise, no social contact apart from an ancient megalomaniac. It was bad enough that they would inflict this torture on a creature like Tirek, but to a child? Spy did not, by any means, make a habit of kindness, but... perhaps she deserved the chance to laugh for a while.

"The look - hee hee hee! - on your face! It's so... dumb! Hee hee!"

...then again, he wouldn't want her to strain herself. She had to be out of practice.

"Yes, yes, get it out of your system," he grumbled. "And I'm not... upset."

"Sure, sure," she said, wiping away a tear with a wingtip.

"It's just a matter of principle," Spy said stiffly. "It flies in the face of the very concept of good custodianship, having not so much as a geriatric poodle to watch over the greatest villain in the land."

The giggles stopped, and she reared up, slamming her forehooves against the bars of her cage. It was supposed to look intimidating. It wasn't. "Hey! Two of the greatest villains!"

No, Miss Glow. You aren't a villain. Trust me. I know what they look like; I have a mirror, after all. You're just a confused little girl whose mental issues are being enabled by the rulers of this pastel hell. He opened his mouth to say this... then saw her expression of fierce determination, and relented. "Yes, of course. Two."

"You're darn right!" She perked up. "Oh! If it's a guard dog you want, we've got one of those!" She inserted her wingtips in her mouth and let out a piercing whistle. "Here, boy! C'mere!"

He sighed. "Miss Glow, I was being facetious. I'm sure it's a very fearsome dog, but that's no substitute for-"

And then the floor began to shake.

There was activity at the edge of the cavern. Some huge dark quadruped had emerged from behind the cages and was loping toward them, gaining speed with every step. Spy lost sight of it as stepped onto the path... but only briefly. A few seconds later, there was a loud grunt of effort, a clattering of claws, and then movement and a landing that shook the cages and sent him stumbling to the floor. When he regained his bearings, he found himself staring up at...

...well. Rather silly of him not to have anticipated this. He was in Tartarus, after all. Even so, the size of it... technically, the abomination Scout insisted on calling the 'breadator' had been larger by half, but that had been an unnatural creature of science - stupid science, but science nonetheless - while this was flesh, blood and a stench with enough stopping power to bring down a Sherman tank. Clearly whatever magic kept the prisoners clean did not apply to the live-in guards.

"C'mere, you old silly! That's a good puppy!" The beast immediately bounded to Cozy Glow's cage with a happy bark that rattled Spy's teeth; one head presented itself for head scratches, a second angled to take the place of the first, and the third kept a close and unfriendly watch on Spy. The pegasus grinned widely at him during the brief moments that she was visible. "This is-"

"Cerberus," he said with absolute certainty.

"You know him?" she asked, surprised.

"He's rather famous back home, yes."

"Huh. Weird." The middle head nudged her cage and gave her a whine and a puzzled look. "Oh! Um... Tirek's just feeling a little confused today," she told him. "He hit his head last night and got all scrambled! Better just play along." Cerberus turned his - their? - attention to Spy, clearly not trusting him despite Cozy Glow's assurances, then went back to demanding scritchies.

An eyebrow raised. "He understands you?"

"Oh, sure! He's almost as smart as a pony!"

Spy got to his feet - hooves - and snorted. "A high bar indeed."

She gave him a Look. "Ha, ha. It just so happens that he's the one who kept... you and the rest of them locked in here all that time. One thousand years, and all it took was one very good boy to stop you from escaping." She delivered an extra-heavy ear scratch, and the massive beast rolled over in bliss. "So much for needing pony guards, huh?"

He treated Cerberus to a critical stare, which was returned threefold. "Perhaps," he said finally, "but I did eventually escape, didn't I?"

The multitude of ears flattened, and at least two growls began.

"It wasn't his fault!" Cozy Glow said quickly.

"Then whose?"

"...nopony really knows," she admitted. "He was just found in Ponyville one day, which is pretty far from here, and they must've gotten out while he was away. Maybe somepony opened the door from outside, maybe there was some magical... stuff, or maybe Discord just thought it was funny. Or maybe you did it." Cerberus seemed to have no opinion on the matter, or at least was studiously ignoring the conversation.

"Really." Then a thought occurred, and he brightened. "It's unfortunate, wouldn't you say, that we don't have any way to find out what happened?"

She looked confused. "I... guess?"

"Surely this baffling conundrum would have been easily solved if there was some neutral party there at the time who could clearly communicate what had transpired? Perhaps by - and this is just an example pulled at random - talking about it?"

"Well, sure, but..." She stopped and wrinkled her nose at him. "Really?!"

"Thus," he continued gleefully, "the superiority of the 'staffed prison' ideology is proven once again." He gave a little bow. "I rest my case."

Cozy Glow's expression was one of disgust. "You are such a sore winner." His chuckle only aggravated her further. "I'm not even sure that you won!"

"Of course I did. I have been proven correct, and all is right with the world once more."

"Oh, whatever! You're just-"

Abruptly, Cerberus sat up and stared fixedly at the cavern's edge. Six ears perked forward... then his tail began to thump on the floor.

Cozy Glow blinked in surprise. "What? Already?" Without responding, the massive hound leapt to the edge of the plateau and bounded down the path, quickly dropping from view.

"What is it?" Spy asked.

"It's the warden!" As the filly spoke, a deep rumbling shook the cavern and a vertical line of blazing light appeared beyond the cages. Cerberus reappeared and approached the light, tail still wagging. "I mean, I don't know if that's her official title, but I guess it fits. Weird, though; I wasn't expecting her back for weeks!"

As Spy watched, a tiny, tiny equine, barely more than a stick figure at this distance, appeared silhouetted in the light, which he quickly realized was daylight entering through an enormous pair of slightly opened doors. Well, there was the exit, looking incredibly inviting. Not that he knew what was behind it, what to do if he did escape, or how to get past the guard dog, but at least he knew where it was now.

Cerberus had approached the pony, bouncing around as eager dogs do. The light began to narrow as the doors closed, and a strong, decisive female voice rose up from below. "Okay, okay. Yeah, it's-" The hound barked and jumped closer, head down and posterior up, dragged left and right by the force of the wag. "Yeah, yeah, it's me. Sorry, but I don't have time to play with you right now."

"Is that unusual?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the figure. He was starting to develop a feeling of dread, and didn't know why. "Having her show up so soon, I mean."

She considered the question. "Kind of. I mean, it's not like I've been here years or anything, but she said specifically it'd be at least another moon before she showed up again. Tirek started his plan right after she left, in fact, I guess to make sure she wouldn't catch him doing it."

The pony was making her way directly toward the path... or would, except that Cerberus was blocking her every step. "Okay, down, boy. Down. Down!" The voice turned sharper when he failed to obey. "I mean it."

"One more point... in favor of..." He trailed off, still unable to look away. "...so she... plays with Cerberus?"

"Oh, sure. She can handle it rough. That's kinda why she was picked for this, I think. Even if Tirek got out and drained her magic, she could take him down. Says she doesn't need it."

"I... said... DOWN!" The tiny figure leapt, twisted... and suddenly Cerberus was rolling backwards, scattering empty cages as he went until he slammed against a cavern wall.

"Mon Dieu..." Spy breathed.

Cozy Glow chuckled. "Yeah..." she said mildly. "She's pretty terrifying."

Despite the claims of his enemies - and, not uncommonly, his teammates - Spy was not a coward, or at least did not consider himself to be a coward. He did, however, have an exquisitely refined instinct for danger, and at the moment it was ringing every alarm it could find. His mind raced and conclusions were being reached with frightening speed, even before he could put words around the question that they answered:

Why had the warden returned so soon?

"Merde." he said. "Deep merde."

"I keep telling you, we don't have any."

Below, Cerberus got back to his paws and seemed none the worse for wear, though he seemed to stagger a bit. He was still eager for 'play' and the wagging was not diminished, but he did stay a respectful distance from the pony as she resumed her trek toward the prisoners.

"Miss Glow," he said finally. "I need you to teach me how Tirek speaks, and I need you to do it before the warden makes it up here."

She heard the tension in his voice, and looked up at him in confusion. "What? Why?"

"I don't want her to think there's anything amiss. Quickly, now!"

"No, no, it's fine!" she insisted. "In fact, this is perfect! We can tell her what Tirek did, and then maybe they can figure out how to send you back to your world!"

"I really don't think that's-"

"Oh, don't worry about me," Cozy Glow said, misinterpreting his hesitation. "I'll be fine in here. It's where I'm supposed to be, after all."

Is it? "I... appreciate your offer, but..." He could hear hoofsteps now, metal on stone.

"It's okay, I promise! We'll just talk to her. Maybe she'll call in the Princesses! They'd probably want to help."

He experienced a full-body wince. "I rather doubt that."

"But why?" The hoofsteps were louder now, and getting more menacing with each passing second.

"Because," he said, attempting the difficult feat of speaking rapidly while trying to avoid as much blame as possible, "there is a slight chance that I may possibly have inadvertently..." He took a breath, then plunged on. "...murdered your Princess Luna last night."

Cozy Glow's eyes grew wider than he'd even thought possible. "You WHAT?!"

"Shhh!" He listened carefully; the hoofsteps had stopped, then resumed after a few seconds, more slowly and deliberately.

"How," she demanded, her voice low, "do you maybe possibly murder somepony?!"

"It's easier than you think."

"You have a real problem, Spy!"

"We can discuss it later, if I survive! Hurry!"

She glared at him briefly, then glanced toward the stairway. "All right, all right... Um. He talks kind of like this..."

They spoke quickly in hushed tones, as the hoofsteps grew ever closer.

"...no, no. More growly and... y'know, nasally. Yeah, that's better..."

"Hey!" The warden's sudden shout, louder than they expected, made them both jump. "You two are awfully quiet up there."

"...always talking like he's the smartest creature in the room. I mean, not like you, but... well, on the other hoof..."

When there was no response, the warden set her mouth in a tight line and nodded slightly. "Okay," she murmured. "Okay. That's how we're playing it, then." She resumed her climb, even more careful and alert than before.

"...and he'd be all smug - like you - and sarcastic - like you - and... come to think of it, just basically a lot like you! Only less Prench."

"Hmph. Thank you for that, Miss Glow. So, your basic intellectual bully, then." He concentrated, adjusted his vocal cords, then: "I believe I can manage that. How does this sound, little filly?"

She blinked. "Wow! That's really-"

"It's not polite to ignore your guest, y'know. Makes me feel all... unwelcome. You wouldn't want that, would you?" There was a flash of color where the stairs began, the tips of the warden's mane as she climbed the final steps.

"There she is!" Cozy Glow hissed, unnecessarily. "Just follow my lead!" She cleared her throat and said, more loudly: "Well, look who it is, Tirek! Y'know, we were just talking about you!"

The mare stepped fully onto the plateau, pausing long enough to survey the prisoners from a distance... and vice versa. "Really."

If someone had described the warden to Spy just a few days ago... well, this entire situation was nothing short of ridiculous, of course, but the pony in front of him would have seemed exceptionally silly, if going by a description alone. Violet fur with a magenta mane, hues never seen on any Earth equine, and that mane... was that a mohawk? And a scar over one eye? Someone was clearly trying too hard! Steel footwear of some kind enclosed each hoof, and some cross between clothing and armor was wrapped around the mare's barrel. And then there was the horn, or rather...

But that would be just going from a description. To see her in person... to see how she moved, and how those impossibly clear eyes took in everything before her... Spy did not feel like laughing. What he would have mocked as being 'edgy' felt - here and now - as though it had definite potential to cut him.

"Why, sure!" Cozy Glow responded brightly. "We just thought it was funny that, even though all three of us tried to take over Equestria, we're stuck in here while you get to walk among all those ponies you betrayed, without a care in the world! Don't you think that's funny..." And she sneered, letting acid enter her voice. "...Fizzlepop Berrytwist?"

...all right, that did make him want to laugh. And though antagonizing the warden seemed like a bad idea, it felt to be in character for Tirek, so he matched Cozy Glow's snicker with one of his own.

She let them laugh for a moment, then stalked forward, her eyes fixed on Spy. "That's Tempest Shadow to you two," she said with only a hint of malice.

He gathered all of his willpower and cunning, focusing them to a knife's point as he had done before so many other battles. The gates were opening; time to test his skills once again... "What a surprise to see you!" he said, putting all of Cozy Glow's advice into practice and absolutely drenching each word in sarcasm. "If we'd known you'd be back so soon, we would have made tea and crumpets! To what do we owe this unexpected surprise?"

"Oh, you know," Tempest said casually in a firm contralto, still moving forward. "I just happened to be in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by to check up on you two. Not in a friendly, 'how's it going' kind of way, but more of a 'I'll drag you behind the Friendship Express if you cause any trouble' kind of way. So..." And she stopped mere inches from Spy's cage, their gazes locked. "...how's it going?"

And Spy... hesitated. She hadn't seemed to notice any significant problems with his voice or speech patterns, so that was a relief; he'd relied on his disguise kit for so long, he'd been worried that his impersonation skills had gotten rusty. Nevertheless, her penetrating stare was making him second-guess himself. "Ah..."

"Oh, we're doing great!" Cozy Glow said behind her. "Just a couple of best friends spending all of eternity in-"

Without looking, without ever moving her eyes from his, Tempest lashed out with a precise backwards kick, striking the upper edge of Cozy Glow's cage. It flipped onto its side, eliciting a squawk from its inhabitant. "Pipe down, shrimp. The grownups are talking. How about it, Tirek? Anything to say?"

But the interruption had helped, and Spy managed to rally his confidence. Get into your mask's head, that was important. He had to remember: he was Tirek, conqueror of Equestria, and he... wasn't actually sure why Tempest was here. His dimension-hopping plan had gone awry, yes, but there was no way she could have known about it, so what brought her back so soon? He was both suspicious and confused, and, all right, slightly nervous because the mare was genuinely intimidating, but he was obviously her superior in every way and saw no reason to show her any respect. She had strength, but he had intelligence and cunning! He wouldn't...

...hm. Perhaps Cozy Glow had been right: this did feel familiar.

He decided to unpack that later, and presented a carefully forged expression of disdain, hatred, wariness and guile, all layered around a core of honest uncertainty. "What are you getting at?" he demanded, and gestured to the whole of Tartarus. "As you can see, everything is just as it has always been." He let anger enter his voice, and found not all of it to be feigned. "One thousand years of nothing happening."

"Oh, I'm sure it must have been just terrible," she shot back, unimpressed. "That sounds almost as bad as what you would have done to Every. Single. Pony in Equestria if you hadn't been put away. Just thinking of that... well, if it were me, I don't think I could sleep at night." She paused, watching him closely for a reaction. "What about you, Tirek? Have you been... sleeping well lately?"

He didn't freeze up. You didn't do that, unless freezing up was natural. Yes, you prevented all signs of surprise, but only because you were preventing all signs of anything that your mask wouldn't be experiencing at the moment. Not that it was a surprise to him anyway - he'd been almost certain she was here to investigate the attack - but if he allowed even a hint that he knew what she was talking about, she would-

A sound came from Cozy Glow's cage, one of immediately stifled shock and realization. Tempest swiveled one ear toward the sound, and her stare hardened, watching to see if this provoked a reaction.

...drat. I shouldn't have told her what happened. No, don't think about that, and by all that is holy don't look annoyed. That was a trap of its own. Instead, he glanced at the cage, clearly puzzled - but not at all angry or worried - by the fact that Cozy Glow would make a sound like that. Then he dismissed it and turned his attention back to Tempest. All entirely natural for someone who didn't know why 'sleeping' was the topic of the day. "...fine, I suppose," he said finally, stroking his beard. "These are hardly five-star accommodations, but I've gotten used to them."

He passed the test; Tempest allowed a hint of disappointment to show in her eyes. "Uh-huh."

And then she turned and started to slowly walk around his cage, still watching him closely. "Y'see, Tirek," she said, "I happened to be visiting Canterlot when I got a summons from Celestia herself. Seems her sister had a bit of a problem last night..."

...oh, dear Lord, she was predating. She was trying to wear him down by imitating a hunting beast, circling their prey before they leapt for the kill. It was a very intimidating tactic...

"...woke up with a splitting headache, talking about being attacked in a dream. Your dream. Now, I don't know all the details..."

...if you were unaware that actual predators didn't act like that. Pack hunters all leapt at once for the target, and an ambush predator that alerted its prey before attacking often went hungry. Even sharks only circled because they were too blind to figure out what was thrashing in the water without some investigation. No, frightening the prey was rarely a useful survival technique. And Spy, who had probably faced more life-or-death situations than anyone in this storybook world, was hardly going to be shaken by a bit of circling and glaring. Honestly, she lost a bit of respect in his eyes by doing it, though in a world of herbivores perhaps it was understandable.

"...seemed to think it was someone else. Personally, I don't know much about dreams. Not really my thing. But you don't argue with a Princess." She stopped in front of him once more and stared up at him. "How about you, Tirek? Any of this sound... familiar?"

Now, what was the correct response here? He recalled that Luna had referred to him as Tirek at first, but at the time he'd assumed it was due to his subconscious mind processing the information given to him by Cozy Glow; he hadn't realized the Princess was real. So apparently his dream occupied the same metaphysical space that Tirek's dreams usually did? Interesting, but not particularly helpful.

The path forward here was... denial. Yes. Unless she could prove he wasn't Tirek, she couldn't fault him for a thing that happened in someone else's dream, could she? So he would maintain the appearance of confusion and wariness. Dream? What dream? Nothing to do with him.

But still, he was Tirek, and Tirek couldn't let an opportunity like this pass by. He had to, as it were, twist the knife. "Hmmm. Princess Luna was attacked, you say? How horrible! I shall have to send her a fruit basket!" And he laughed, as nastily as he could manage.

Tempest narrowed her eyes. "So, is that a confession?"

"Oh, I never said that," he replied with an extra helping of smug. "Much as I may like it to be the case... no, I did not attack your precious Princess." He sneered at her. "Though if I did, why would I admit it?"

She tilted her head slightly, considering this. "To prove that you could?"

...good point, and one he could use. "Hmhmhm, and how delightful that would be! Watching you squirm, not knowing how I did it or how to stop me!" He'd intended to follow that with 'but too bad! I didn't do it, thus removing my chance to gloat!' It was a good plan... but he'd pushed it too far.

She chuckled. It wasn't a nice chuckle. "Oh, Tirek. I really wouldn't be so sure about that if I were you. See, there was some magical turbulence yesterday, turbulence they traced directly to Tartarus."

Oh. They had detected Tirek's escape attempt, then. He wasn't aware they could do that. Magic, magic, magic. "Well, I don't-"

"And sure, maybe I don't know how you did it, since I never really got the chance to learn much magical theory..." Tempest glanced up at her broken horn. "...but as for how to stop it, I'd be willing to bet that clamping that mouth shut and tying your, uh..." She trailed off vaguely, staring at the end of his arms.

"...hands?" he offered weakly.

"Right. And tying your hands... that would probably do the trick." She stepped closer, eyes wide. "How about it? One thousand more years, only this time with your mouth closed and not able to so much as scratch an itch."

Spy found he was sweating slightly. Well, that was all right. He felt Tirek would be properly intimidated by the threat, though possibly not so much as Spy himself. Getting trussed and gagged would definitely put a crimp in his plans. "That's... quite unnecessary."

"Because the filly's right," she continued, ignoring him. "I am out walking around among all the ponies I betrayed. And you know what? I'm paying for it. I made a big down payment on it, but the Princesses have done so much for me that I don't know if I'll ever... ever manage to pay it all back. So if it means making sure Luna doesn't get another headache, or worse... then you can spend another millennium wrapped up like a Hearth's Warming Day present for all I care."

"All right!" he shouted with unfeigned panic. "You win! I'll talk."

Tempest considered this... then shook her head. "I don't think so. I think I'll go ahead and tie you up, just in case. There's something going on here," she added, glancing back at Cozy Glow's cage, "and the fact that the attack came from your dream is just too much of a coincidence for me. No, until they figure out what you were up to yesterday, I think it's better for everyone if you're-"

And then Cozy Glow redeemed her earlier outburst. With, ironically enough, an act of apparent betrayal. "He was trying to escape!"

"Traitor!" he snarled. Thank you, Miss Glow! he thought.

Tempest spun to peer down into the smaller cage. "Escape, huh?"

"Gosh, I tried to tell him not to," she said, the very picture of a Good Little Filly, "but he just wouldn't listen! There was a lot of magic stuck to me from that rift I created, and he wanted to use it to get out of Tartarus!"

"Really." The warden turned back to look at Spy, who scowled and looked away. "Doesn't look like it worked."

Cozy Glow giggled. "Nope! It blew up in his face and knocked him out! He didn't wake up until this morning."

"The theory was sound," he said with a growl. And nobody here knows magical theory, so prove me wrong.

This time Tempest made her disappointment plain. Clearly hogtying Tirek would have been the highlight of her day. "And you didn't attack Luna?"

He visibly hesitated, then said, as though every word were being dragged out of him, "...no. I was unconscious, not asleep. I didn't dream."

"Then whose dream was it?"

"How should I know?! Dreams are her domain, aren't they?" He crossed his arms and scowled. "I promise you, if I did have the opportunity to strike, I would have done more than give her a headache. Lord knows she deserves it."

Her brow furrowed. "Lord who?"

...careful, careful... "It's... an old centaur figure of speech," he said dismissively. "You wouldn't have heard of it."

Tempest stared at him for a long, long moment, and... was that a flicker of... something in her eyes? Whatever it was, it had almost immediately been smoothed over. "...uh-huh. Okay... Tirek. I suppose that all checks out."

He hated to do it, but Tirek wouldn't let it go so easily. "Hmph. Leaving so soon? And here I thought you missed our company."

A small smile appeared momentarily. "Oh, don't worry about that," she crooned.

...oh, no.

"I think I'll stay around for a few days. Make camp down by Fido. Y'know." She lifted her head and looked directly at him. "Keep an eye on things." Again, a long silence while she watched his expression, looking for any unusual reaction. "That won't be a problem, will it? Tirek?"

Well, yes, very much so. Despite his preference for a staffed prison, Tempest Shadow promised to be as difficult to bypass as the rest of Tartarus' defenses. Having her hanging over his shoulder would make planning an escape next to impossible, much less actually implementing one. And if they somehow managed to figure out exactly how Tirek's plan had been intended to work, they could realize he'd been the one to attack Luna. The consequences of that eventuality promised to be dire. "Pfeh! Why should I care? Do what you want." She smirked and turned back toward the stairs.

And then an inkling of an idea occurred. He wasn't sure where it would lead, but at the very least it opened up some options. And when you're at the bottom, you may as well push your luck as if you were Sisyphus. "Although as long as you're here, you could at least make yourself useful."

There was a hiss of indrawn breath from Cozy Glow's cage, and Tempest stopped in her tracks. When she spoke, it was with a short-lived laugh of disbelief. "I'm sorry... what?"

"Well, this place is unfathomably dull," he complained. "We could use something to liven things up."

"It's. A. Prison," she grated. "It's not supposed to be lively."

"Oh, come now! Be reasonable." He gestured down at the empty cages. "Even the monsters were released! It was cruel to keep them here, but not us?"

She frowned. "That wasn't my call."

But there was a bit of hesitation there, a slight weakening of the defenses. He pushed on. "If you won't do it for my sake, at least do it for hers."

Tempest looked genuinely surprised, and looked at the smaller cage. "Hers?"

A pair of hooves wrapped around the upper bars of the cage, and Cozy Glow pressed her face against them, barely visible from this angle as a lump of fur and eyeballs. "Mine?"

"Tell me: when Tartarus was created, did the designers build it with foals in mind?"

She was definitely hesitating now. "I... I'm not sure..."

"Of course you are, because of course they didn't!" he scolded her. "They wouldn't have planned for someone as... precocious as she. And little creatures need lots of stimulation for proper growth, do they not?"

"Oh, please. What do you know about 'little creatures'?"

He simply raised his eyebrows. "Am I wrong?"

"Oh, don't worry about me, Tempest!" Cozy Glow chimed in. "I get plenty of stimulation talking to Tirek! I'm sure I'll grow up to be just like him!"

Spy locked down a grin. That had been masterfully timed; Tempest was clearly having trouble resisting his argument, then Cozy Glow's attack had swung in from the opposite direction and shattered her defenses. She grimaced, but tried to rally one last time. "Why should I do anything to make things better for you? You're villains. You're both villains!"

There it was; that old familiar feeling. It was with words instead of a knife, but he knew when to strike home. He leaned out of the cage toward her. "Yes," he said. "And doesn't that mean you're supposed to be better than us?"

He saw the flinch, as rewarding as any death rattle. She struggled to form a rebuttal... then sighed. "What do you want? Some toys?"

The smaller cage bounced. "Yes please!"

"Certainly," Spy said smoothly, "though I presume you don't have any with you. A decent meal would be a good start, though. Yes, yes, Tartarus provides, but eating is about more than just sustenance. Can you imagine not tasting anything for however many... moons she's been here?"

A hoof emerged from the upturned cage and waved frantically. "Ooo! I want a hayburger! A nice, crisp hayburger! With extra honeysuckle!"

She stared at him, a million questions clearly racing through her mind... but none of them resulted in a refusal. "Okay, okay. I think I should be able to manage that. I'll be back in a bit." She turned to leave again.

"Excellent." He waited until she reached the edge of the plateau, then: "Now, for my order..."

Tempest whirled on him, outraged at his audacity. "Oh, no! No, no, no! You don't need any 'stimulation'!"

"On the contrary! One thousand years of solitary confinement has left me particularly starved for interesting diversions! I know I had my little... hmhmhm... outing, but that was rather abruptly cut short."

"That's all the more reason not to-!"

He smirked at her. "Think about it. If I'd had something to distract myself with, perhaps I wouldn't have become a certain little filly's pen pal. Hmm? Would have saved everyone a lot of trouble all around."

"He's got a point," Cozy Glow noted. "I didn't really expect that he'd write back to me; it was just the only way I could think of to contact him. He must have been really bored to write to some dumb, innocent foal, don't you think?"

"All right!" She gave up, exasperated. "All right. But if you think I'm going to bring you somepony to snack on, you're crazy."

He'd been ready for this, based on what Cozy Glow had told him of Tirek. "A common misconception. I don't eat magic, per se. I absorb it to grow stronger, but I enjoy a good meal like anyone else." And perhaps that was even true.

Either way, Tempest seemed to accept it. "Fine. Whatever. So that's two hayburgers, then?"

Spy raised an eyebrow and exposed his long canines. "Do these look like the teeth of an herbivore to you? No. I would like..." And he grinned at her. "...a steak."

There was a sudden retching noise from the other cage. "Gross!"

"...steak."

"Meat of most any kind would do, but a nice pan-seared steak, with mushrooms lovingly sautéed in garlic butter..." He felt a self-induced pang of hunger, despite the magic of Tartarus. "That would be... divine. Of course, if that's too-"

"No problem."

Cozy Glow's voice became even more nauseous. "Really?!"

Tempest glanced down at her and shrugged, or at least did something analogous involving a foreleg gesture. "The Storm King's minions weren't shy about their eating habits. I got used to it." Then she looked at Spy. "No steak, though. How about fish?"

He made a face of genuine dismay; his stomach had liked the idea of a steak dinner, and didn't care for the change in plans. "Well... I suppose..."

"Take it or leave it, champ. The next catering service is in a thousand years."

"Oh, all right, then," he said sourly. "But bring me a book or a newspaper as well. I prefer to read while dining."

"Whatever you say... Tirek." She turned to leave for the third time... then stopped and smiled. "Oh... and in case your plan was to bribe him, I happen to know for a fact that Cerberus hates fish."

Spy allowed himself to look crestfallen. "...oh."

Tempest grinned at him, glad to have gotten a point on her side for once. Then, with a kick that righted Cozy Glow's cage, she descended the staircase.

He held up a hand, cautioning the filly to silence, until Tempest reappeared down below. "Well done, Miss Glow," he whispered. "You were of great assistance."

"You... you really think so?"

"Of course."

"...golly. But... was that your plan? To bribe Cerberus?"

He shook his head. Below, the line of daylight reappeared, slightly more orange than it had been the first time. "I have other plans for the hound."

"...then..." She looked down shyly. "...did you really mean all that? About... wanting to make sure I got the things I needed?"

"Well, yes," he said idly, still watching the stick figure pony walk into the light. "And it also gets us some time to plan without Miss Shadow overhearing."

"...oh."

Her change in tone immediately caught his attention, and he reached over to touch her hoof. "But yes, I absolutely meant what I said. In my world, there are rules against treating prisoners the way they've treated Tirek - well, except in Arizona - and to do it to a child is... unthinkable!"

Her eyes widened. "Do... do you have a child, Mister-"

"I admit nothing and that isn't the point," he said quickly. The doors began to close, and Cerberus moved to lay in front of them, waiting. "Miss Glow, I promise you I would have made those requests regardless. The fact that it helps us is merely a happy coincidence."

"...oh." She settled down in her cage, looking fluffy and pleased. "Okay."

A final thud echoed through the cavern, and he straightened up. "To business. What do you think was the most important thing we learned from her visit?"

She blinked. "We learned something? I mean... let me think. Is it... oh! Is it that you didn't actually kill Princess Luna?"

"Well, yes, that was also fairly vital," he admitted. "If nothing else, we will need to be vigilant in case she invades our dreams tonight."

"Which reminds me! Why did you even-?"

"I thought she was just a dream," Spy said with a shrug. "That's how I handle all my dreams. My sleeping mind projects figments from my subconscious that represent issues to be dealt with - threats, worries, guilt, remorse, and so on - and I eliminate them with extreme prejudice so they will no longer bother me."

Cozy Glow stared at him. "I... don't think that's how dreams are supposed to work."

"Really? Well, regardless, it's just as well I didn't finish the job. But that's not what I was referring to."

"What, then?"

He stepped forward, placing both forehooves outside of the cage. "A jail that ignores its inmates is not much of a jail." Then he grabbed a pair of bars in front of him, his hands over his head. "And a cage... that can be moved..."

And he pulled down on the bars, and pushed up with his legs, and with some difficulty - due to his centaurian bulk - managed to lift the front edge of the cage several inches off the ground. By throwing his weight back and forth and scraping with his hooves, he closed some of the distance between them.

"...is barely a cage at all," he said triumphantly, and let it fall to the ground.

"Wow, neat! So... how does that help us?"

He beamed, still breathing heavily. "I have no idea. But I'm going to consider the matter."

"Oh."

"In the meantime, we have plans to make, the nature of dreams to discuss, and I feel a history refresher course is in order. But first... a lesson."

She brightened up. "Another lesson?"

"Indeed." He knelt down next to her, palms on his thighs. "To begin with, I need to ask: how flexible are those wingtips?"

---

The doors closed behind Tempest with a thud, and the magical lock - refurbished so that it didn't require a rare and single-use key - sealed itself. She looked around... and scowled at what she didn't see.

The terrain around Tartarus was... well, there wasn't a word in Ponish for it other than Tartarean. 'Draconic' came close, but suggested more lava streams and fewer sulfurous gas vents. Irregular stone columns, dark and stinking geysers, twisted outcroppings, treacherous vines... if the geology was good for anything, it was for looking strange and menacing.

And if it were good for two things, it was that and for providing a multitude of hiding places. "All right!" she bellowed. "Get out here where I can see you! Come on! Front and center!"

Slowly, a number of bashful pony heads emerged from behind cover. Each wore a shiny gold helmet. "Oh, there you are," she said sharply. "Equestria's Finest! When Celestia provided me with backup, I didn't realize that meant you were going to back up all the way to Canterlot!"

"Aw, c'mon, ma'am! Cut us a break!" one protested, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "That's Tirek in there!" The others nodded, except for two of them who returned to hiding at the mere mention of the centaur.

Tempest forced herself to calm down. She couldn't blame them for being nervous, not after what he'd done to them. What he'd done to Equestria.

(What you did to Equestria...)

She stomped that thought down, shook her head to clear it. "Tirek's still contained. You don't have to worry about him."

"That's easy for you to say! You never got your magic drained! He's probably getting ready to bust down that door any minute and eat our faces off!" The other guards muttered and trembled; three more dipped out of sight.

Oh, for storm's sake. "Number one," she said loudly, "he would have to snack on a bunch of unicorns before he'd be strong enough to drain pegasi. Pegasi like you. That's straight from Twilight Sparkle, and she knows about these things; you'll be fine. Number two, if he could do that, he would have done it long before we got here. The breaking out, I mean, not the face-eating. He'd have to wait for your faces to get here for that." She stepped closer to the guard, smiling a nasty smile. "And number three, he's not the one you should be scared of."

"Y-you mean... you?"

She shook her head. "Think about it. One little filly, draining all the magic in Equestria. She fooled everyone into liking her and doing her bidding, up to and including the Princess of Friendship. She even made Tirek into her pawn. Until they took them all out, Tartarus was full of the meanest, most dangerous creatures in the world... and her."

He took a nervous step back. She followed.

"While you're all worried about Tirek, she might come up right behind you and turn you into one of her zombie friendship minions!" Her eyes were wide and she spoke in a tone usually reserved for campfire ghost stories.

"I... I didn't know she had-"

"Oh, sure. Thousands. And the worst part?" She leaned closer and whispered in his ear. "You'll thank her for it."

It was too much. His eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed in a faint.

She turned and casually walked back toward Tartarus, watching the door thoughtfully. "Or maybe she's just a regular filly, what do I know. So! Who's the best flier here?" There was some hesitant murmuring behind her, and she stopped in her tracks. "No, no... don't tell me. I can guess. Who's the second best flier here?"

More conversation, then a younger-looking guard was pushed forward. "Um. I guess that's me."

Tempest looked him over. Orange fur, blue mane... attractive enough, if you liked that type. She didn't. "Huh. Thought Royal Guards had to dye their fur white. All right, sunshine, you're with me. The rest of you..." She cast her gaze across them, almost causing another fainting spell, and sighed. "...as you were."

She led the young guard away from Tartarus, taking a shortcut toward more civilized lands. "Where are we going?" he said after a while.

"I'm just getting my bearings. I'm pretty sure I saw a stream or two on the way in here."

"...I could fly up and check?"

She glanced back at him. "Ever caught a fish, kid?"

He stared. "Why... would I?"

"Then no. You wouldn't know what to look for. Besides, you're going to be busy."

"With what?"

They reached a tall outcropping at the edge of a wide field, groups of trees scattered about. Tempest surveyed the terrain as she spoke. "There should be some village or another near here. The first thing I need you to do is to go pick up some supplies."

He nodded. "I think Boopingham is closest. What should I-"

"Boopingham?! The town closest to Tartarus is called Boopingham. Really. Not 'Oblivion' or 'Purgatory' or, or 'Dreadmaw'. Boopingham."

"I didn't name it," he said defensively.

"...riiight. Freaking ponies have no sense of drama," said Fizzlepop Berrytwist. "Boopingham. Storms above..." She glanced up at the setting sun. "Okay. Probably too late in the day to hit a toy store..."

He blinked at her. "Toy store?"

"...but look for a good restaurant - nothing too fancy - and order a hayburger. To go."

"A... a hayburger."

"With extra honeysuckle. Oh, and you may as well grab a newspaper while you're there."

The guard shook his head. "I don't get it. We've got plenty of rations with us, and sending a member of the Royal Guard for a newspaper? We aren't your errand colts! What's this all about?"

Tempest turned, ready to scold him for insubordination... but forced it down. She wasn't his commanding officer, even though Celestia had assigned the guards to assist her, and while tormenting the scaredypony had been amusing, she really shouldn't treat them like the Storm King's minions. They didn't deserve it, and she didn't have the right.

"It was...!" She sighed. "It was Tirek's idea."

His eyes grew wide. "Tirek?!"

"It was a reasonable request, all right?" Her protest turned into a mumble. "...it's for the kid."

He quirked a smile. "What, did she turn you into a friendship zombie?"

"Hah. Maybe so."

The guard looked down. "...none of us are happy about it, you know. A filly doesn't belong in there, no matter what she did."

Tempest found herself agreeing with the sentiment, but refused to let it show. "Not my call."

"And the newspaper? Is that for her, too?"

"No, that's for Tirek. He says he 'likes to read while dining.'"

He raised an eyebrow. "So? Who cares what he likes? Cozy Glow is one thing, but following Tirek's orders?"

Tempest stood silent for a long moment. "Yeah. I get it. I do. But... a thousand years, all by himself. After I lost my horn, I thought I'd never have friends again. All those years, alone. Even in the Storm King's army, alone. How much worse was it for him? Even if he did deserve it." She paused thoughtfully. "We're supposed to be better than him."

He watched her quietly, uncertain what to say. Then she arose from whatever pit of contemplation she'd fallen into, and performed a full-body shake. "Anyway," she said, in tones demanding that the last few minutes of conversation be forgotten, "that's only half the reason I'm going along with his requests."

"What's the other half?" he asked dutifully.

She grinned. "That's simple, sunshine: I'm giving him enough hay to choke himself."

"I... didn't think he ate-"

"It's just a figure of speech." Her expression changed subtly as she remembered something. "Hah. Yeah. 'Figure of speech.'"

"Ma'am?"

She stepped closer conspiratorily. "D'you know something, kid? Every other time I've been in that place, that old centaur has insisted that I call him 'Lord' Tirek. Not this time. Not even after I tried pulling his bridle over it."

He almost reared back in shock. "Then... it's not really him?! Are the rumors true?"

Tempest scowled. "...I don't know. I felt like there was something off with him, but it's not like I know him all that well. But... let's say that when he tried to escape-"

"What?!"

"Focus, kid. Let's say that something took him over. And let's say that it attacked Luna. Okay. But then... if it would do something like that, why would it care about Cozy Glow?" Her frown grew deeper. "Then again, why would Tirek care about Cozy Glow? Nothing adds up."

"So, until it does, we're going to do whatever he says?" he asked doubtfully.

"Just until I figure out what he's planning," she assured him. "Once I've worked out what's going on... I'm bringing the hoof down. Hard."

The guard nodded in acknowledgement. "Sounds good to me."

"Glad you approve," she said dryly. "Now get moving while there's still daylight."

"Roger that." He took to the air, but paused and looked down at her. "You said getting supplies was the first thing you wanted me to do. What's the second?"

"Oh, that's simple. Once you get back, you're going to hightail your flank to Ponyville and pay a visit to Twilight Sparkle. It'll be pretty late when you get there, so have her put you up in a spare room."

He gulped. "S-sleeping in the same palace... as a Princess?"

"Oh, come on, you do it all the time. Two of 'em, in fact."

"That's different!"

"Storms above, get over it! Tell her I want her here in the morning. No ifs, ands or friendship missions." She grinned wickedly. "Oh, and tell Spike - that's her little dragon - that I want a report of every freak-out and stammer once Twilight realizes she's spending the night with a gentlestallion caller under the same roof."

The guard shuddered, still blushing hard enough to reflect off his helmet. "You are evil."

"Yeah, but I'm working on it every day. Now, get flying, and meet me back here in a couple of hours." She chose a direction and hopped off the outcropping. "I've got a fish to catch."

Comments

[Meta Knight]

love it

[A Drunk Soviet]

Woo an update!

[Venerable Ro]

Huh, so Spy is going to cause an unscheduled crisis of conscience? Sounds like fun!

[ledezma25]

Glad to see another chapter. Definitely curious to see where it goes after the little tidbit at the beginning with the spy and the padlock.

[ponyreaper1]

Hay your back

[Mother3Forever]

Her eyes widened. "Do... do you have a child, Mister-"

"I admit nothing and that isn't the point," he said quickly.

How IS Scout doing, anyway...?

[Ciphers]

UPDATE! and longer chapter
YESSSS

[Orrm]

"Just until I figure out what he's planning," she assured him. "Once I've worked out what's going on... I'm bringing the hoof down. Hard. "

Very funny. It's almost like she genuinely believes she has the slightest chance.

[Elu]

Very nice. I don't know why I've not read this story before, but it's time I do.

[mrkillwolf666]

100/100 👌

[Venerable Ro]

9817961

Behold as Spy executes a daring escape from Tartarus through the wonders of prison reform! To succeed he must wield the most subtle and unexpected weapon of his career, actually being innocent!

[Hotel_Chicken]

We will be able to work interrupted

We will be able to work uninterrupted

Great chapter by the way. I love this story, and it's refreshing that somebody actually points out that Cozy is just a filly. Wish they actually tried to help her instead of locking her in Tartarus. Would have been a simple 2, maybe 3 episodes to turn her around, get her parents involved, maybe do some community service. Nope, Tartarus. Final answer.

[MagicLover2128]

Loving this and I really enjoyed Tempest's appearance as the warden of Tartarus.

[Pizzaro]

Cozy Glow rolled her eyes. "You're being dramatic and weird again. What's the problem with..." She stopped. "Oh. Right. No magic in your world, huh?"

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "No locking spells, certainly."

"Merasmus did once have a locking spell, FOOL, but Soldier stole it to use the paper as a HANKEY!"

Great story you got here, keep it up!

[FridayPie]

Tempest stayed same, just switched factions. Speaking of her, she'd made a perfect off-spin protagonist if portrayed like this.

[Entiecrafter]

Yes an update . I cant wait to see more

[Efadd]

"Oh, and tell Spike - that's her little dragon - that I want a report of every freak-out and stammer once Twilight realizes she's spending the night with a gentlestallion caller under the same roof."

x100^100000000

[Voltaje]

Excellent chapter dude, I though this was abandoned, but I was wrong :D, I really hope you Finnish this, hopefully without grogar and with Chrysalis joining after :D.

[Raistlin]

9817961

Tempest is used to being the top badass pony around. She cannot conceive having actual competition.

And to be fair she is the closest thing to a competent, dangerous enemy agent Spy may encounter in Equestria.

Tempest looked him over. Orange fur, blue mane... attractive enough, if you liked that type. She didn't

Poor Flash. He never gets a break, does he?

[Another Nopony]

9818397
And Tempest has no idea she just sent the one stallion who would cause the most spectacular freak out. She's a bigger troll than even she knows.

[Osiris Prime]

9818138
I can feel the unicorn friendship magic coursing through my veins!

(because apparently that's an actual spoken line)

[Raistlin]

9818138

His "innocence" went out of the windows the moment he mentally scarred Lulu. Whatever he is Tirek or not, Spy is already in Sunbut's personal shitlist.

[Arngeir]

Deeeeeelightfull!
I can't wait to see what happens next.

[Venerable Ro]

9819040
That dream was a warzone. How was he to know that there was suddenly a non-hostile agent present?

[Raistlin]

9819237

I understand his circunstances. But I doubt the Sisters will so, and even if he could tell them the fact is Spy is a professional murderer. Celestia will never allow someone so dangerous walk free.

[LazyHooves]

Back with an update, and said update is a fantastic chapter!
Can't wait for the next one, dude.

[Orrm]

9819313
We have all seen how well her other methods of 'containment' have worked it the past.

I don't see why this would be any different.

Especially against a combatant unseen in terms of mental capacity as well as competency that exceeds that of all previous 'villians' put together.

[Professor Blu]

I am so happy to see that this is still being updated, keep up the good work.

[WorldWalker128]

Glad to see another chapter of this. Was afraid you might have died for a bit, there.

[ZigZag]

Yay, new chapter! And it's really good!

[SuperSaiyanDiclonius]

Please keep this going. Also, introduce Tirek to the RED team.

[Kotatsu Neko]

9826932
Funny you should say that...

[Pogmin]

"...riiight. Freaking ponies have no sense of drama," said Fizzlepop Berrytwist.

Noone ever pointed out how great this quote is.

[tsaukpaetra]

"just be yourself with less prench!" not entirely inaccurate...
Sounds like Tempest wants to try her hoof at Reformation...

[pickletickle]

9828268
Rarity is dying of thirst...for drama. She's a drama queen without subjects.

[Vigriff]

You're just a confused little girl whose mental issues are being enabled by the rulers of this pastel hell.

THANK YOU! Equestria's 'morality' is fucked up six ways to Sunday and then some.

[Pensive]

The guard shuddered, still blushing hard enough to reflect off his helmet. "You are evil."

You're evil

Ah HA!! That one line has been bugging me ever since I found this story however long ago I found it.

[Eternal Samson]

The guard looked down. "...none of us are happy about it, you know. A filly doesn't belong in there, no matter what she did."

A brony after my own head canon I see!:)

[Dragon Turtle]

10152543
It feels weird for spy to be complain about childcare when a little bit earlier he was talking about how he murdered a family, to kidnap an infant, for secrets to biological warfare.

[KennedieT]

10665689
Well, to be fair, he is a spy, they are a government.

[Animatorsnake]

Two discrepancies was definitely Tirek not mentioning his title-sake and his lack of care for Cozy Glow, now doing a sudden reversal, good eye Tempest, good eye.

[darklight731]

Everything about this is amazing. Love it.