• Published 22nd Mar 2019
  • 4,764 Views, 69 Comments

The Moon Is Not Made Out Of Cheese! - Twilight Glimmer



The day Luna learned why Celestia dislikes Knit Wit so much.

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Where's My Sandwich?

The stars shimmered in the evening sky as Luna began Night Court. Unlike Day Court, where ponies talked about political issues and things like that in front of a large crowd, Night Court was more personal. There was no audience, and ponies came in one at a time to talk about personal issues they were having. On some nights, Luna went into the dreams of others to make sure that the ponies who were too shy (or couldn't make the trip) to come to her were helped with their problems as well.

Luna sat down in her chair and waited for the first pony. A red stallion walked in. At first, she thought he was wearing some kind of white sunglasses, it turned out, his white fur had been sunburned.

“Good evening. What is the issue that plagues your mind tonight?”

Right after Luna said this, she heard the stallion’s stomach growl. “Can I fix you something to eat?” She asked. Sometimes conversation was easier if the troubled pony was eating.

“Oh, yes, please, your majesty! I skipped lunch and dinner just so I could come down here and have a moon cheese sandwich.”

“Yes, a moon cheese sandwich coming righ-, I'm sorry, what did you say?”

“Please make me a moon cheese sandwich, Princess. I'm willing to pay ahead of time, if that's what you're waiting for.”

“And how do you make this ‘moon cheese sandwich’?”

“Go to the moon, get some cheese, come back, and put the cheese in between 2 pieces of bread.”

“Well, I was on the moon for a millennium, and I can assure you there was no cheese to be found.”

“So you didn't eat cheese from the moon?”

Luna was starting to get worried. “Are you suggesting that the moon is made of cheese?”

“I'm not suggesting, I know for a fact that the moon is made out of cheese.”

Now Luna was really worried. “Could you please tell me your name?”

“It’s Knit Wit, your majesty.”

”Buck”, thought Luna. She had heard about a stallion coming to Day Court to ask Celestia to extinguish the sun. Luna would have asked Celestia about it, but her older sister was so hung over that the Solar Branch of the Equestrian government had been down all day. She figured that if the experience traumatized Celestia so much that she got herself so drunk that she couldn't run her country, it was probably a bad idea to ask about it so soon.

“Where did you get the false idea that the moon is a processed dairy item?”

“Discord told me! He said that if you eat moon cheese, you'll become an alicorn and you will be able to raise the moon in the morning, and the sun at night. I had thought that it was the sun that came up in the morning and the moon that came up at night, but, other than Derpy, Discord is the smartest guy I know, and he would never give me false information.”

“I see, do you, by any chance, have a learning disorder?”

“Nope, but my doctor said that I have an IQ score of 30, and he said that means only 30 ponies are smarter than me!”

...

“Princess Luna, are you alright? Your eye is doing a wierd twitchy thing. Do you understand what I’m saying? Wait, you must be 1 of the 30 ponies that’s dumber than me. Wow, if I’m smarter than one of the princesses, then I must be the smarterest pony that ever lived!”

”I wonder if being this stupid is a crime”, thought Luna. ”If it is, then he will be getting a life sentence!”

“No, Knit Wit. I perfectly understood what you said. Do you know what this doctor’s name is?”

Knit Wit tilted his head to the side. “I’m not too sure, I met him at the candy store, and he had this necklace with a big circle on it, so I figured he must be a doctor.”

“Was his ‘necklace’ made out of candy?”

“Yes, it was. Doctors have to eat too, you know.”

Luna’s eye began to twitch again. She had helped a lot of ponies since she returned, and not all of them were geniuses, but not a single pony she had ever helped before this was this stupid. She tried to think of a way out of her current situation. Unfortunately, most of the ideas she had resulted in a funeral. “Maybe I should ask Celestia to make stupidity a crime. From what I’ve heard, it’d make her life a lot easier,” she thought.

“Um, Princess Luna, I don’t mean to be rude, but I still haven’t gotten my sandwich.”

Then, Luna finally got an idea. “Don’t you know that it’s moon cheese preservation month?”

“Moon cheese preservation month?”

“Yes, the month before the Summer Sun Celebration is dedicated to preserving all the cheese on the moon. Nopony is allowed to harvest moon cheese until the day after the celebration.”

“Discord didn’t tell me that.”

“But it is true! There is no reason to believe that anything that I just said is false. Now that you have the answer to your question, you may leave. I have other ponies to assist, you know.”

“Guess I can’t have my moon cheese sandwich. I do have one other thing to ask before I leave.”

Luna internally groaned. “What is it?”

“There’s a full moon tomorrow, right?”

“Yes.” Luna had a bad feeling about this.

“As much as I appreciate the moon, when it’s full, the moonlight is so bright that I can’t sleep. Would you mind extinguishing the moon just for tomorrow night so I can sleep?”

Sleep! That’s it! Luna thought. She cast a sleeping spell on the less-than competent stallion and waited for him to drift peacefully off to sleep. Then she teleported him to a guest room. She didn’t know where he lived and she wasn’t waking him up to find out.

Did he really just ask me to extinguish the moon?” she thought.


The next morning, Celestia was over her hangover and having breakfast with her sister.

“Celestia, we need to talk.”

“About what, Lulu?”

“I’m sick of having to solve other ponies problems. I’m getting too old for this!”

“First off, you took a milenium long vacation and secondly, I have to deal with just as many ponies, and I’m older than you are.”

“We still need to take control of our lives.”

“And how are we going to do that?”

Let’s retire!

Author's Note:

I hope you guys liked the sequel! I’m thinking about having 2 more!
:heart:
Comment below and have a nice day! :twilightsmile:

Also, don't forget to join my fan groupLink!!

Comments ( 69 )

So...Knit Wit led to the final season of MLP.

I've got my torch. Who's got the pitchforks?

How does he get out of bed without knocking himself back unconscious?

9520986
...and I know I've got some pitchforks around here somewhere...

Thanks Knit Wit.... you brought about the end of G4 mlp.

God damn Knit Wit.

“ Let’s retire! ”

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTbZrpWfZS-DvAbfwGX5R34nohDw8X3djC6toXFtv1vCFZ_S1_J
Well at least now we know why celestia and luna decided to retire

It's all Knit Wit's fault! You nitwit!

Oh, wait...

I could see a guy like him existing in the show, though, to be honest.

9520986
We could just use a gun like everyone else...maybe leave him at the castle's front doorstep with an IOU or something.

9521064
I was gonna say that, that explains why Celestia says they are retiring in the trailer for Season 9.

I hope this guy doesn't have foals.

So...who's Knit Wit going to visit next?

9521203 Celestia, "Hmm, throwing Discord at Twilight didn't break her. I even deliberately lost to a toddler and she didn't snap. I've got it! Time to suddenly throw an entire nation on top of her!"


Pops in Twilight's Castle Of Bad Design, "So, like, now that you've run a school for a year, you're clearly ready to take control of a country! BYEEEEEEEE!!!"


Twilight gapes and Spike face-claws, "This is going to be worse than the time some people thought a bus driver could run a country..."


:trollestia:

... 2 more chapters! :pinkiegasp: Cadence, Twilight run for your lives! he's coming to mentally Destroy your mind with dumb questions!

9520986
As long as we don't get those flim flam brand torches and pitchforks I'm in.

9521203
Knit with comes up to them after their retirement; can I become a princess?

Leave to Discord to effectively weaponize stupidity.

It wasn't often you saw Knit Wit running in terror.

To be honest, you didn't often see Knit Wit running. It wasn't that he was lazy or anything like that-- left to himself, he tended to be quite industrious, creating yet another in his line of hoof-made, skillfully knit scarves. He was, in fact, very good at scarves.

And nothing else, which is why Rarity handled all his sales, since he would otherwise have stared at any customers, blankly, while various strange comments emitted from his throat that, if you spent a while listening to them, you would eventually determine to mean that somehow he had conflated the terms payment and pavement... and that was why he was now convinced that that meant that he could, in fact, not only charge you fifteen leagues of Royal Highway for the scarf in question, but that somehow you were now responsible for teaching him how to put it into his wallet.

Knit Wit was not, to coin a phrase, a clever pony.

This was partly why he rarely ran. He had a bad habit of paying attention to where he was running. For anypony else, this would not be a bad habit, but for Wit, this would mean that he would invariably follow by starting to pay attention to the actual running itself, and that way led to somehow tripping over his own hooves-- all four at once. Usually a scarf was involved, and often other less pleasant objects, such as beehives, angry timberwolves, and occasionally the Cutie Mark Crusaders when they were having one of their (now, thankfully rare) Tree Sap Incidents.

At this moment, however, he was not paying attention to any of that, and so was spared the usual rolling tumble into whatever possible source was due for a disaster this week. The last time, he vaguely remembered, it was something about Doctor Time Turner's laboratory, a strangely glowing balloon, and a pest control expert.

At least, he thought it was a pest control expert. He was pretty sure someone had been yelling "Exterminate!", so what else could it have been?

What he was paying attention to was the panicked Draconequus next to him. Oh, and the horrific, monstrous demonic force chasing them both.

"One sarcastic joke. One little quip to the one academic dipstick who doesn't read the magical journals, asking how she became an alicorn. One simple piece of simple snark. And who has to overhear it? Who has to go to Luna and ask for-- I can't believe you did that-- how can any pony be that-- you can't be a pony! You just can't!"

"I can't?"

"No-- wait! Sorry! Yes, you can be a pony! I assure you you can be a pony! And nothing else! Please don't misunderstand me and start thinking you can be something else!"

"Oh, that's good news. Is she still chasing us?"

"I don't know--"

I SHALL ERASE THE TWO OF YOU FROM THE MEMORIES OF PONYKIND! I SHALL GRIND YOUR VERY MOLECULES TO THEIR SUBATOMIC PARTICLES!! WITH A NEIGHPONESE SURIBACHI GRINDER!

'She is. And she's threatening us with one of those nasty mortars with all the sharp grooves in them."

"Why is she so angry?"

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT THEY'RE LEAVING THIS LOONYBIN ON MY SHOULDERS!!!

"I couldn't tell you... because you'd never get it. Keep running. Honestly, been underestimating the mare for years, I must say..."

Comment posted by Kencolt deleted Mar 22nd, 2019

Dear Knit Wit,
https://mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-3444243-1-Luna-for-Preisident-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-30662694-750-563.jpg

edit: I ask your permission to steal your OC to write a horrible trollfic where he meets a black pony (i have not decided whether he will be an alicorn or an earth pony) who indeed CAN extinguish the Sun.

Sequel is needed plz

Two Princesses Down, Two to go, Twilight and Cadance. What Inane thing will Knit Wit ask of them? Maybe for Twilight to Ban books for some reason? Maybe for a Love potion from Cadance for some reason?

9522636
Maybe he’ll try to eat the crystal heart? :scootangel:

9522534
Permission granted. Just give me credit where it’s due. :twilightsmile:

9522644
Thank you! I will, of course. Whenever (and if) I complete the story.

You know, these two stories actually make a reasonable reason for the Princesses to retire.

This guy is dull-driving them dotty better than Discord himself.

Comment posted by Godslittleprincess deleted Mar 23rd, 2019

So THAT'S why they are retiring in the last season

9522639
Knit Wit smiled as he stared at the Crystal Heart. "I do wonder what it tastes like" he mused aloud to himelf before nodding a bit "Okay I am going to go ask princess Cadance if I can try a bit. Those two oddly dressed brothers did say it was delicious candy after all." His course decided he began to make his way to the palace to speak with the Princess and Prince.


Meanwhile inside the palace a pair of royals shuddered. "Caddy, ever get the feeling something very bad was about to happen that theres no way you can avoid?" Shining Armor asked his wife who nodded in response.

"You mean like right now?" was Cadance's reply

"Then I am not the only one feeling it.." Shining Armor sighed. "Lets just hope whatever it is, it isnt TOO bad,,,"

Luna was starting to get worried. “Are you suggesting that the moon is made of cheese?”
“I'm not suggesting, I know for a fact that the moon is made out of cheese.”

*insert cover of the story here*

I hope you guys liked the sequel!

Yes.

I’m thinking about having 2 more!

YES!

Comment below and have a nice day! :twilightsmile:

YES to both!

never learned of a pony so dumb

Luna sat down in her chair and waited for the first pony. A red stallion walked in. At first, she thought he was wearing some kind of white sunglasses, it turned out, his white fur had been sunburned.

...how does that work?!

Did he really just ask me to extinguish the moon?” she thought.

I.. I think he did.

9524621
He didn’t get sunburned on his eyes because his sunglasses blocked enough sun from his eyes.

It’s labeled random for a reason :rainbowwild:

knit wit is best pony!:trollestia::yay::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

9521544
but the price of those is so reasonable...

9524739
BUT THE FUR!


:rainbowhuh:

i'lljustgotosleepnow

9525162
No. Nein. *other words for no* FlimFlam's pitchforks have taken ponies eyes out, the owner's specifically and their torches are ones that go out, you try to re-light and then they light for a moment then act like trick candles the entire ride over. It's humiliating when the torches are like trick candles going out and lighting back up.

9522636

Cadence: Knit Wit will be convinced of the belief that Cadence decides who everyone's special some-pony is and asks her to tell him who is his special somepony is.

9521619
Their response: We are no longer responsible for helping ponies deal with their stupid problems. Go talk to Twilight about that and any other problems you may have. :trollestia:

The moon is made of rocks, it glows because it reflects the sun's lights. Tell Knit Wit that it is again the sun that needs to be extinguished.

9525823
Knit Wit: but discord said that twilight said if I have any problems I should come to you

9526160
Their Response: “For the love of Faust, STOP LISTENING TO DISCORD!”

9526205
Knit Wit: but he's the most trustworthy not-pony I know, and I know a total of 2 not-ponies

9526248
Their Response: We’ll give you a cookie if you leave us alone.

9526280
Knit Wit: Deal! Now I just need to go ask Cadence an important question...

9526304
Knit Wit: Can I eat the Crystal Heart?

9526325
He’ll probably try before Saturday

9526350
So... who's gonna be the person to tell him that the crystal heart is edible?

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