• Member Since 4th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 25th, 2013


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Comments ( 20 )

That all happened way too fast.
Here's your story as I see it:

Now, don't get me wrong, it's a great fic - but for a shipfic, its way too short. What, was it like 1300 words? And all they did was kiss.
Yeah, It's your first, no harm done. And, it was quite a cute story! but, it was way too quick. It also wasn't very descriptive, the whole kissing thing.

You could have strung the kissing part out a bit;

"She suddenly felt her face being forcefully pulled towards Twilight’s. At first, she hesitated, confused. Rainbow Dash quickly realized what was happening - or at least what she thought was happening. She stopped hesitating after a few seconds, hoping that 'this' was really happening. At first she couldn’t believe it, but there she was, suddenly standing over her friend Twilight. Twilight looked passionately into Rainbow's big, magenta eyes. Suddenly, their lips locked in a soft, affectionate kiss. As much as she was surprised by this turn of events she couldn’t deny that she had, in fact, wanted this for a long time. Although, Dash didn't really want to deny it anyway.

After what seemed like an eternity Twilight released her grip and slowly lowered her head back to the floor, “That’s what I was studying.” She said, smiling up at Dash.

Rainbow’s mind was still a jumbled mess, she couldn’t make sense of much of anything that had just happened. Thoughts raced through her mind, each of them slowly fading with the blissful post-kiss feeling. Finally her mind focused enough to realize Twilight’s last statement, “Wait... what? I thought you said you were learning a new spell!”"

Great, great story nonetheless. Keep writing.

hmmmmmm? ill give a chance

This should be rated "Teen", since it's not for everypony.

Cute story, but very short for a one-shot romance.

Keep practicing though. I see potential. :twilightsmile:

Yeah, I know it's pretty short. Sorry about that. But, honestly, it was rushed and just put up to see if I could even do it, period. I promise that in the future plenty more thought and TONS more work and time will go into each fic.


I would have to agree. this was well written and it was a sweet story. but there was zero plot. no work up the courage to tell the other how they felt. no Drama.

Now if you keep this story going you can change all that. But for your first story you did a real good job. But I would take off the part where you tell everyone that this is your first story. it makes people shy away, thinking you are just asking for complements. If you want to tell us this is your first one this do it at the end of the chapter in a little note,

This could have had more meat, but considering what it has and how it was done, its not that bad. This could have had a worse writer, but it got one of the better ones :ajsmug:

It was ok, I think it needed more of a plot to it. But other than that it was cute:twilightsmile:

this guy has a point :moustache:

Oh wow! Now that takes talent to have a short 1k word chapter to have that little content of it but get everything across in a well detailed way! That was great! Also keeping the characters in line was amazing.

Finally! A TwiDash without the "Sad" tag. I'll read this later :twilightsmile:

Honestly, this went so fast I was expecting 'and then they bucked' at the end.

You sir have great promise, :moustache: And thank you for the story for, even though it was short you still did an excellent job and made a cool and cute little story.

Now following dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png

Short and cute. Thumbed. :twilightsmile:

The story is really awesome and cute :twilightsmile: But it's honestly too short, and there's a lack of description about their kiss. I mean, shipfics need a lot of description parts. If you put more of them and maybe put an another plot or event, like a dinner, you could easily hit 4000 words. For me, the fic was like "I went for a book and I suddenly have a marefriend" :rainbowderp:

But still, I'm gonna watch :twilightsmile:

D'aww, cute! Short and sweet and adorable. Love it! ^w^

Nice little one shot, really good for a first time. Twilight with her checklist made for a good end.

This is sooooooo cute! Simple, but adorable. :twilightsmile:
One of the reasons that I decided to read this one before others of my waiting lists, because it's short. I'm really glad that someone wrote some short stories for persons who don't have so much free time like me. I could enjoy it in such a short time before I went back to my homework or something. :pinkiehappy:

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