MarcellusMiro66
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Hmmmm……
You have my attention.
I will be watching
Nice.
It's a good story so far, you should probably not wirte it all in lilac though...
9357194
Do you mean italic?
I purposely wrote it that way to emphasize a series of flashbacks. It will lessen once we arrive at the present.
These are all nothing but suggestions. I have never claimed to be the smartest person out there or anything similar, so excuse me if I offer bad advice.
There is a bit of a continuity problem here. One moment this unnamed dragon character is saying that the last pony she’d heard of in these parts came around 20 years ago, the next there are ponies inside the dragon’s workplace.
You see, after “triple dots” you want to leave a space. Sometimes you’re doing this, sometimes not.
That statement
made, but.Speed-walked.
Hold on, initially based.
The Forgotten and Exiled is one of my favorite stories on FimFiction. Seeing another fan of the story making something inspired by it is nice. However, just like every other author, you have a few points-of-concern throughout the chapter. The use of punctuation, the structure of your sentences, and only two misspellings throughout the entire chapter (from what I found) make this a very neat kick-start. I will be tracking this story to make sure I don’t forget about it. I’ll check in next month to see if chapter 2 is complete, but I know how writing is difficult for everyone, even award-winning authors, so I will totally support you if you have to cancel it.
I would suggest getting Grammarly. Take it from me; there is a version that is completely free.
9357304
Ah! I see now. I was half asleep and recovering from the flu when writing, and I may have gotten ahead of myself. I apologize. Thank you for pointing out these grammar mistakes and continuity errors. I will make sure to properly edit this chapter.
You have my interest
You have my interest.
Well, this is a very interesting story, I can’t wait to see more!
9357449
Hello, I am chazkopa and I am impressed of your story, Exiles. I need to ask you about when the next chapter going to be.
9359070
Soon...
Looking forward to seeing how Twilight's former friends are doing...
9360649 As am I.
Nice...
The way you delivered the flashback of the Equestrians was nice, plus, I want to see ponies grieving over Twilight. And seeing wherter or not Twilight forgives them. (Of course after a lengthy shouting match...)
9360665
Believe me, the truth that will eventually come to light will NOT go down well with the citizens...
9360608
All right, I understand.
I wished that Princess Celestia and the others should had listen to Twilight.
Wonder what will become of Shining Armour and the element bearers following the devastation of the invasion?
Honestly, I want to see Twilight escape and confront them
How long did Chrysalis wait to attack?
9360689
Yep.
9361169
Probably Shining resigning from the guard or similar thing, with the bearers being abandoned and shunned by their peers while earning and RD not being able to live her dream while all of them earning the scorn of the populace.
So now, thanks to Celestia's and everypony else's incompetence and failure to heed Twilight's words, 74+ ponies are dead. … yep, I definitely smell a rebellion against Celestia and them coming.
9361656
Not long. She waited until she and Shining Armor were wed, commencing during the wedding reception. The link below is the inspiration for this reasoning.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/149998/what-have-you-done
Through in The Shadow and The Phantom and I will be hooked.
Still gonna read it later anyways.
9363839
Ah, thanks.
Before I read this, I must know: What exactly happens in this story? The synopsis doesn't tell us jack!
In the original story this is based on, Twilight gets a kangaroo court trial and is exiled, along with Spike, for her insults and false accusations about Princess Cadance before the big wedding. Of course she was completely right all along.
A decade later her (mostly) false friends and brother finally found them, with Twilight as the Boss of a small city-state, running it like a crime syndicate. When she booted them out after they tried to get her to come home to Equestria, with an automatic on the spot execution waiting if they ever come back, Celestia decided to get sneaky about how to get Twilight back. Unfortunately, since Celestia had cracked, and under her serene mask was far enough round the bend to make the Joker back off nervously and ruthless enough to plan mass-murder and genocide to cover her tracks, things went to Tartarus in a rocket-propelled handbasket... There's also an alternate ending version, IMO the more realistic of the two, where the real Celestia had been replaced by Chrysalis before the trial, and all the nastiness was her playing with Twilight as revenge for her attempt to derail the wedding.
In this story Spike wasn't exiled along with Twilight, and it remains to be seen how the Elements react to their mistakes, or whether Celestia goes insane the way she did in the original story. We haven't even seen the tearful, or maybe that should be fearful, reunion yet...
9367391
I think that's the point.
*plays porn music*
Well, this chapter is good so far.
Heh, good going Twilight some times the best way to hide what you are is to pick the dirtiest job no one would think you would take!
9376765
Some guy: I was a serial murder, but no body would think of me as a good politician who does his job properly and without committing any white collar crime! No body will expect it!
Twilight: I was a good guy, but nobody will ever find me if I hide as a stripper in a brothel! Nobody will expect it!
Yeah, I could see your logic
as long as twilight doesn't just give in to celestia, i want to see her make celestia suffer for this one.
9367577
Well...I just hope and pray that Celestia does not get antagonized in this story as she was in the original. sigh I don't see why people need to do that in these AU ACW stories.
Next chapter please?!
9409261
It's on the way. Still adding new material to the other one, though.
Question, why is your story mostly in italics?
9413710
Because these represent flashbacks. They will slow down once we get to the present.
9415837
Excuse me, when is the next chapter going to be?.
any idea when we can expect an update and new chapter?
9488086
I updated Chapter 3 and introduced a new pairing.
9461495
I'm working on the fourth chapter now and planning ahead for the fifth one.
What would her friend think?
......Well fuck, Equestria just tickled the sleeping dragon and it awoke with Military Grade Automatic weapons. I don't know if I should feel sorry for Equestria or not......Nah!
9530394
Okay, keep informed me when you do the fifth chapter.
I'm only hope that Spike will reunited with Twilight.
So basically...Celestia has no clue (presumably) what her own captain is doing. Way to drop the ball
9581186
'dropping the ball' kinda understates it at this point, celestia put the ball into a cannon and fired it straight down at this point.
I think giving exact model and optics wasn't a good choice, I am curious to see this story continue
Celestia you stupid idiot why do you let your new captain going around killing innocent people that are outside of equestria i hope you open your eyes to see the destruction of your pony's has caused
9609990
She doesn't know about this yet. And even if she did, she would be too focused on Twilight's "death" to even do something about it.
9582169
Also, I wanted to be accurate when portraying firearms usage and the destruction it could bring.