When Twilight visits the castle of the two sisters, she gets an unexpected visit. Who and what is this tainted soul, and can Twilight afford to risk giving it any peace?
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Nevermore777
Joined 18th Oct, 2017 ·
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holy shit this made me tear up in the end
good job tho!!!
sequel?
Great story sequel please
Oh my god this is amazing. More please!
SEQUEL
Get yourself an editor please.
Well, that was something. Not sure if it's a good something or a bad something yet, but it's something.
Oh wow I did not expect this..but I like it. Twilight is right...what a letter this will make! Nice work :)
nice concept, if this gets a sequel it will definitely be worth a look, but even as it stands, not bad.
So she's like Ranma and when she gets wet she turns into Aloe?
Oh we're doing this now, are we? Powergaming NMM, the most pathetic villain of the entire series who had her flank utterly handed to her by 6 mares who had no idea what was even going on?
And who couldn't defeat Celestia even with a DIRECT HIT?
Yet she's claiming to be more powerful than Discord, a creature capable of carelessly toying with BOTH alicorns and being utterly immune to their power without the EoH.
There is also an issue with creating ANOTHER aspect-type entity: if there is a spirit of Evil, it implies there must also be a Spirit of Good. Aspect entities are aggravating to write, as they must naturally be one-dimensional in nature, save for Chaos, who can be anything and everything.
This might have flown in Season 1, but we know NMM wasn't as strong as all that now.
Premises.
9052331
Yes but if an aspect must posses something, as NMM stated in the fic, you would assume they may in fact be limited by their host.
9052331
Evil lies, evil is ego. Put those together and evil will say it is the most powerful ever.
Really, when I see people complaining like this, they also seem to believe everything they are told at face value.
Any plans to turn it into a series?
Hmm. Please don't take this the wrong way, but this feels less like a story and more like an introductory chapter. You've got concepts introduced, but haven't really had the space to do much with them or resolve them almost at all, leaving the ending... unsatisfying feels too strong, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment. It's a neat little idea about how reforming the Nightmare could start, but right now it feels like "a start" is all it is. It would be nice to see this expanded and resolved, but for now I see it as a neat concept.
Also I agree with other commenters that you need an editor. There's a lot of small errors throughout that could use cleaning up.
Can't wait for the next chapter :3
Ok, overall... I like it but there are a number of spelling errors throughout.
Other than that, it feels like a really solid start to a longer story. Good job.
Really enjoyed this. Would love it if you decided to add more chapters than leave it as a one shot. Either way great story.
9052807 Usually when these things are 'statements' within a story, they tend to be 'true' in context unless directly contradicted by something else within the story.
At any rate, this feels like it takes place, or should have, back in Season 1 before we learned all the canon material up to this point. It doesn't make any sense now.
I think you should add the Gore tag with the amount of blood and wound descriptions in this fanfic.
Please please please write more!
SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
Wonder if I should right a sequel?
Thumbs-down for me, sorry. You really need an editor to clean up the many errors abounding in this, and to flesh the story out a bit more. It just feels incomplete.
If you break it work and strip it down a bit, this is the story of Twilight Sparkle falling down a hole and talking to the Nightmare. I mean, its a start but it's not a story.
In addition, there are several parts that just break general written storytelling rules.
Stuff? What kind of stuff? It's ok to talk like this in a conversation, but when telling a story, it is the author's job to immerse the reader in the world you have created. Don't be afraid to describe it! Let us know what your world looks like, we'd love to see it!
Has NMM been tracking Twilight? Without omnipotence and being all-knowing, this line really doesn't make sense for her to say.
On a positive note:
I *love* the concept and general idea you have here. This could be the first chapter to an awesome tale. If you could find an editor to bounce ideas off of, and iron out the rough spots, this story really has potential.
Last of all, I loved the ending line. Just awesome.
9053879
So first of no just calling the debris "stuff" isn't breaking any storytelling rule. Maybe should have used debis rather than stuff but still it doesn't break that rule. Describing all the stuff would though. If it's not important or relevant don't describe it. Twilight obviously wouldn't care about any of cause she was ya know... dying. And unless one of them was narratively important the audience doesn't need to know what the stuff is.
As for the Nightmare knowing if she fought other villains or no why would she need to be following Twilight or have omniscience? It's fairly easy to assume that Twilight's taken out other villains. She is the barer of Equestia's greatest defense. Of course it easily duduce about other villains. Also discord wasn't exactly subtle when he came back.
(notices the character tag 'Nightmare Moon')
I think Nightmare Moon might be the tainted soul.
9053775
Perhaps you should 'right' this one first.
9053775
Yes, you should, but get someone to go through for grammar and spelling. The story itself is just fine.
MOAAARRR MAKE A SEQUEL PLEASE THIS IS SO GOOOOOOOOOD
9054303
Plan on it. I've just had a massive migraine for the day, and have been on my phone for all of it, which isn't exactly the best thing to try and make edits on
I enjoyed this story and while yes some people have valid points about how you can improve a lot of them like say word choice come from experience and cannot be learned at the drop of a hat. All in all good story that deserves a squeal. Thumbs up from me.
I'm genuinely surprised to have only seen this premise used twice in the whole of my time on this site. That being said, your work needs an editor; I had to reread some portions because I couldn't figure out what you meant to write.
Personal Opinion: this story has amazing potential and if a competent editor got his hands on it you'd have something close to a masterpiece. 'AVA MOOSTACHE!!!!
This looks rather fun, grammatical errors aside. I look forward to the rest and how everyone- er... everypony reacts to this turn of events. Hopefully we get some description as to what changes Twilight has gone through as well.
It'll certainly be interesting to read
1) Good story. The concept is awesome.
2) I can't give you a thumbs up because there is way too much slop. This story really needed to be proof read before posting. There's grammar issues, typos, wrong words used, structure problems.....it's kind of a mess.
3) Some people want more of this, but it stands very well on it's own. It's a great one-shot type of thing
I would totally give this a 7/10. I liked it a LOT!
Just make sure you have proof readers for your next story. If you can't get any proof readers, then you need to do it. The best way is to finish the story and then let it sit for a week or two. Then pick it up and give it a read. You'll see all sorts of things that need to be fixed if you do that.
I wana swe her frienda reactions to her new form
well this was rather interesting. i enjoyed it. thank you for writing it.
Spelling and grammatical errors aside, this looks like a good start to a bigger story. As is, Nightmare's transition seems a little rushed for a story that's supposed to stand on its own. Then again, fast reformations are par for the course in MLP, so what do I know? At any rate, definitely clean up the errors. Tracking just in case you decide to extend this.
I like this, I like this concept a lot... I think what you've created is wonderful, and should definitely be given more story. Though, as many have said before, an editor would be a great addition to this story. If you don't know where to look, send me a dm, I'm always happy to fix up a couple spelling errors, which is most of the issue here. But I like to think I'm also not bad at spotting grammar errors.
Before it starts getting serious (as I assume it will),
something silly.
for some reason i was reminded of this
OMG TWILIGHT HAS SONAR ABILITIES
SUBMARINE HUNTER TWILIGHT CONFIRMED
:D
a happy ending
for now
DUN DUN DUNNNN
sequel?
Amazing!
Good story, could use a bit of editing, but still very interesting.
This needs an optional sequel. Seriously.
An amazing start for a very long sequel
Very good story could use a sequel though.
9054308
Fuck, you took the words 'write' out of my mouth!
Grammar aside, this is the most fucking woobie thing I have ever read.
9117771
“Woobie...?”
9117984
Something very precious and snuggly, though I don't believe I've ever heard anyone else say it.