Even Evil Cries
Twilight sat in the old, decriped library, lost in one of the many books she had found. It was dark out, the moon's cool light coming in through some of the various holes in the infrastructure, and the nights chill making Twilight shiver slightly. Her only source of both light and warmth came from a variety of candles that she had set up throughout the room.
*creak*
The sound made Twilight's head jerk up, as she had been on guard while she was in the castle alone, unlike her home where she would drown out everything around her. While creaks and groans were to be expected from such an old, long abandoned place; Twilight knew that that creak had come from either somepony or something large as a pony moving around.
Twilight wondered if it was one of her friends, probably Pinkie or Rainbow, planing some prank for her.
But no, it couldn't be either of them. Twilight remembered that Pinkie had been planning something big and had to go on a trip to get more "exotic" supplies, whatever that meant, and Rainbow Dash had left to see a Wonder Bolts show with Scootaloo; and while Twilight was sure Rainbow Dash might be able to fly back to Ponyville to play a prank, she knew that her friend wouldn't leave Scootaloo alone.
While, at least Twilight hoped she wouldn't.
So who or what could be in the castle? All of Twilight's friends were busy, and Spike was helping Applejack do to a particularly violent rain storm that was going on at that very moment, though thankfully the old castle was at least able to mostly protect her from such fierce weather.
Twilight flattened a war to her head, and perked the other one up. She did her best to ignore that sound of the rain and wind, along with the occasional bit of lightning. She closed her eyes, shutting out all other senses besides her hearing, and then shutting out all ambient sounds.
For a moment, Twilight found herself in a void of absolutely darkness. She could feel her heart beating in her chest, feel her slow breaths, and that was it.
A second passed...
...followed by another...
...and another...
...and another still...
...and then:
*creak*
"Left of the hallway, then make a right, room halfway down and on the left," Twilight whispered as she pinpointed the location of the sound, a skill she had developed from frequent games of hide and seek with her brother and Princess Cadence.
Slowly, Twilight stood up, levitating he candle she had been using to read and slowly, softly made her way to the door. She cast a small spell that made it so the candle wouldn't produce visible light to anypony but her, and then she began to make her way down the dark hallway.
*creak*
The sound of movement once again echoed throughout the castle, letting Twilight know that whoever, or whatever, was in that room wasn't leaving.
As she continued her slow, soft pace, Twilight once again wondered who or what was in the castle. At the moment, Twilight was guessing it was an animal or monster from the Everfree, perhaps taking shelter from the storm outside.
*CRACK!*
Twilight jerked and softly cursed as lightning flashed through one of the hallway windows. She was getting to nervous, and that was a problem. Whatever it was, she had to make sure it wasn't destroying anything. Normally, nothing would dare enter here, not even the more dangerous occupants of the Everfree, so there was little cause to worry; but with something in here now, there was a very real danger of it staying, which wouldn't be good for the next pony to come and visit if it was dangerous.
Steadying her breath, Twilight rounded the corner, eyes becoming fixed on the door she was sure the source of the creaks was behind. It was closed, which meant the thing had probably come through a window. Unless it actually was a pony, in which case they may have closed the door.
Twilight approached slowly, when suddenly her enter left foreleg's hoof was ice cold. She was about to shriek in surprise when something dropped onto her mane and ran down it.
Twilight sighed softly in relief as she realized that all she had done was step in puddle. She looked up, just in time to get hit with another drop of water directly in her left eye.
Annoyed, Twilight quickly stepped to the right and dried her eye with not soaking wet hoof. Somepony really did need to fix this place up.
Then, she made her way to the door. It was old, and clearly ready to fall apart. Twilight grimaced as she realized it would be impossible for her slowly open the door even a crack. Her only option was to bust it down.
creak
Again, the sound came from through the door. Twilight gulped, and prepared to face whatever was waiting for her on the other side. It the infrequency of the creaks was anything at all to go by, then she guessed that whatever it was, it was either slow, lazy, or both.
Gulping again, and steeling her nerve, Twilight reached up a foreleg, and gave the door and solid smack with it. The brittle, aged wooden didn't even fall over or crumble. No, it exploded in a shower of splinters and dust across the room, which Twilight quickly entered, looking around...
...and finding nothing.
It was a plane room. There wasnt anything even remotely noticeable about it, except for a couple a shelves that suggested it may have been a storage room of some sort. There was also no windows or holes, which meant there never had been anything in here, unless that thing could teleport or move through solid walls.
"What in the name of Celestia?" Twilight began to whisper as she took a step forward, but she never got the chance to finish. As soon as she took another confused step forward, the floor beneath her fell away and crumbled, the weary stone and aged wood unable to support anymore weight.
"AHHHHHH!" Twilight screamed as she fell. She hit the floor beneath her an loud crash, but that also crumbled away. She tried to react, but the impact had knocked the wind out of her and robbed her of the necessary level of concentration a unicorn required to cast magic.
She hit the next floor with another great impact, pain exploding in her back left leg and right front leg as they both made sickening cracking sounds.
She hit the next floor with another sickening crack, Twilight coughing and spitting blood as her ribs crushed her lungs and other vital organs.
And then she hit the next floor, her head slamming into it and everything going black.
Twilight awoke to three things: pain, nausea, and a massive headache. Her thoughts pounded against her skull, her stomach seemed intested in sending things up instead of down, and her entire body was in agony.
She was aloe soaking wet, up to her mid body in water as her head and front legs were splayed across a fallen pillar of some sort. As she opened her eyes slowly, she was greeted with mostly darkness, except for a few holes in which moon light and rain fell through.
She realized she was in a large underground cavern of some sort, her along with several floors of stuff that had fallen with her. She looked around as much as she could, coughing up blood and bile if she moved to swiftly or to much. She could see the rubble around her, much of it also sumerged in the several inches of water that had accumulated on the caverns floor.
Then, she looked at herself. She immediately noted that what she was submerged in was not just water, but also her own blood; though how much of it was her blood was not determinable, it was certainly far more than a mare of her stature could safely loose.
Her right fore leg and left back leg were not just broken, they were shattered. Twilight lookednin disgust at the small fragments of bone that had broken through her skin and coat. Thankfully, the pain was so great that her mind could recognize it as a dull ache, otherwise she would have been screaming and little else.
Twilight could also feel that her insides weren't in much better shape. She could feel her broken ribs digging into her lungs and the rest of her insides, could feel her blood leaking out inside her and slowly dripping into her lungs. She coughed up more blood.
Despair overtook Twilight as her horn, which had a nasty crack that crackled with magic energies leaking out, began to glow softly as she cast a healing spell.
But there was a problem. With her level of magic, not even taking into account her damaged horn, she wouldn't be able to heal anywhere near the amount of her injuries to make them not fatal. She was bleeding out externally, bleeding out internally, and drowning in her own blood at the same time. She could get rid of one, but she knew she couldn't fix them all.
But that didn't stop her from trying. The chances of her surviving this was little more than nothing if she healed herself as much as possible, but it was nothing if she did nothing.
So, she focused on everything a little bit, trying to by herself as much time possible. The bones slowly sank back beneath her coat and skin, the blood rapidly hardening into scabs. The flesh of her internal organs burned as they were fused together. It wasn't proper healing in the slightest, and would make proper healing harder, but they bought her time she desperately needed. She had extendd her minute of fleeting life into minutes, but there was still a major problem: she couldn't move much more than a few frantic twitches.
Sighing softly as hope began to leave her, Twilight squeezed her eyes shut as hot tears began to drip from them.
"Help me..." She whimpered pathetically, begging anything that would listen, "Please, help me..."
"Poor, poor little Unicorn..." A dark, sinster voice suddenly hissed out from the darkness, "Such a pathetic little whelp you've become..."
"Who's there?" Twilight demanded as her eyes shot open, regaining some mental strength as her eyes scanned the darkness. The voice was familiar, but couldn't quite place it.
"..and to think, you were the one to beat me!" Mocking laughter filled the cavern, seemingly coming out of the darkness. "Oh, how the mighty have fallen indeed!"
"Who's there?" Twilight demanded again, trying to place the owner of the voice. It was familiar, but it was also seemingly incomplete. Like a band that was missing a few key instruments.
"You don't recognize me? The first villain you fought? The thing that brought you and your friends together in the first place?" The voice said, still amused, but with a hint of being insulted.
Twilight's eyes narrowed as she continued to scan the darkness for any movement, but still she found none. "I don't remember fighting any cowards who hide in the shadows! Show yourself!"
"Are insults really a good idea, considering the state that you're in?" The voice laughed, but it sounded more condensed. It was no longer like every little shadow was hissing at her. "But, very well. I have no form, but I suppose I can take my last one for you..."
The darkness and shadow thickened a few feet in front of Twilight's battered form. Her eyes widened as the darkness became a mist, a black fog that got thicker and thicker and thicker. Slowly, a figure began to form in the mist. An alicorn, one larger than Princess Celestia. Their coat was black as ink, their fur feathers shimmering and blurry as if it was more liquid than solid. A mouth opened, revealing sharp fangs. Dark dark armor formed across their body, and finally, the alicorn's eyes opened. They were glowing blue, and their pupils were slit like a dragons.
Twilight stared at the dark alicorn before her. The only difference she could see was the lack of a cutie mark, but otherwise, they were exactly the same as Twilight remembered.
"Nightmare Moon..." Twilight whispered softly, the mare in the moon grinning a wicked, predatory grin with those awful fangs at the sound of her name.
"Actually, I'm just "Nightmare" right now; as you and your accursed friends separated me from the moon."
"How... How are you...?" Twilight stammered, trying to fight back the fear that was growing inside her.
"Still alive? Don't look so surprised, little unicorn," Nightmare hissed, "Those little Elements may have managed to pry me off of Princess Luna's soul, but will take a lot more than that to destroy Nightmare, Spirit of Evil, Lord of Darkness!"
"So... you're a Spirit... like Discord..." Twilight whispered, remembered the new "friend" she had made a few days ago.
Nightmare's eyes narrowed, "Do NOT compare me to that pathetic draconequus! He is NOTHING compared to me!"
Twilight shrank back a little, hating herself all the while for the naked fear she was showing Nightmare.
Much to Twilight's surprise, however, Nightmare and took a breath, calming her(him? It? Twilight didn't have the faintest clue)self, and closed her eyes for a moment.
When she reopened them, much of the anger and fury had left her malevolent gaze, though that did little to make it any less terrifying. She stared at Twilight for several seconds of uneasy silence.
"I do not believe I ever bothered to learn your name in our previous encounter," Nightmare suddenly said, breaking the silence. "What is it?"
Twilight's eyes narrowed as she regarded Nightmare suspiciously, wondering what purpose this sudden politeness had.
"Twilight Sparkle," she finally said.
"Well, Miss Sparkle," Nightmare said, looking her battered form over, "You don't look to have much time left in this world."
"No, really?" Twilight hissed, now glaring at Nightmare. "And here I thought I was doing just peachy."
"I'm just saying, Miss Sparkle. You'll die within the next few minutes," Nightmare said, pausing for a moment to let that truth sink in before continuing, "and when you do, think of all those you'll leave behind. Those five friends of yours, who helped defeat me; your family, whom I'm sure a mare like you must have a very loving one; and your dear Princess Celestia."
Twilight was shaking, both from anger and sadness. Anger at Nightmare for going to such great lengths to torment her in her finally moments, and sadness when she realized the truth of her words. Her friends, Spike, Shining and Cadence, her parents, Princess Celestia...
Nightmare chuckled slightly as a seemingly amusing thought occurred to her, which she of course eagerly shared with Twilight."You know, Miss Sparkle, I wonder which of them will cry the loudest at your funeral? Do you think I'll be able to here their howling all the way of here?"
"Shut up..." Twilight wanted to scream the words at Nightmare, but they came out a choked whisper, her voice breaking at the end as she felt her eyes watering and squeezed her eyes shut as the hot tears once again began to fall. Just thinking of all their expressions when they learned of her death was enough to make her heart sink into her chest as a knot formed in her throat, a bulge that she couldn't swallow no matter how hard she tried.
And what about whoever found her? What if it was one of her friends? She could picture their broken expressions as their eyes fell upon her broken, bloody form. Could see the tears that would run from their eyes like rivers. Could hear their howls of anguish, echoing in the darkness of this cavern.
"But..." Nightmare suddenly said, snapping Twilight out of her despairing fantasies. "That doesn't have to be reality."
"What?" Twilight asked in a strangled voice.
"I said, Miss Sparkle, that that doesn't have to be reality..." Nightmare's voice dropped to a soft cooing tone, like a serpent's whispers, eagerly dripping its sweet venom into Twilight's ears. "This doesn't have to be your end. Your friends, your family, your dear mentor, none of them have to lose you this night."
Twilight said nothing, and even though she rationally knew that something was wrong, she couldn't stop the feeling of hope hat began to rise in her chest.
"I can save you, Twilight Sparkle... I can mend your broken form..." She whispered, "I can even give you the power to protect them."
She took a few steps towards Twilight, her hooves splashing loudly in the mixture of water and blood. When she was only a couple feet from Twilight, Nightmare reached out a hoof.
"Take it, Twilight Sparkle..."
Twilight stared at the hoof. Her screaming mind seemed to fade out into the background as her emotions took over her body.
"Take it..."
Her left foreleg began to slowly rise, adrenaline and hope pushing away the pain and tiredness that was consuming her, seeking to snuff out her soul.
She pictured their crying, their howling. She didn't want them to be sad. She wanted to see them again.
"...and let me in."
Her hoof was inches from Nightmare's, but then it froze.
A frown flickered across Nightmare's features, but it quickly vanished. "What's wrong, Twilight Sparkle? Don't you want to see them again? Don't you want to spare them the pain of your death?"
"Yes..." Twilight whispered, her hoof slowly moving down towards Nightmare's, who watched eagerly.
She pictured them at her funeral, crying. They would be so sad if she died...
"But..." Twilight muttered softly, while Nightmare looked at her in confusion.
They would be so sad if she died...
...but...
Twilight pictured herself and her loved ones fighting, pictured her own dark form attacking them. Pictured the misery and betrayal on thei faces as they were forced to defend themselves.
They would be so sad if she died...
...but they would be even sadder if they were forced to kill her.
"No." Twilight hissed, slapping Nightmare's hoof away, "I won't let you in, Nightmare! I won't be your puppet! I won't let you use me to hurt them!"
"You... You would rather die? Rather leave them?" Nightmare demanded, voice returning to its full volume.
"I would rather die, rather leave this world as their friend; than live and become their enemy!"
"You care for them that much?"
"Yes, I do! Not that you would ever understand!"
"DO NOT PREACH TO ME ABOUT UNDERSTANDING, WHELP!!!" Nightmare roared, but surprising Twilight wasn't afraid. She would either die from her wounds in a few minutes, or die to Nightmare's rage. Either way, she was dead in the end.
This acceptance gave Twilight strength, as she stared right back into Nightmare's eyes as she began to madly rant and rave, mane seeming to light on fire as the shadows writhed and hissed in turn with her anger.
"DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING LITTLE MORE THAN A PARASITE, FORCED TO STEAL THE LIVES OF OTHERS, NEVER BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN, NEVER KNOWING WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE TRULY ALIVE?"
Twilight just stared back into her furious eyes, "Well, if you don't, you have a poor way of showing it."
"I DO NOT ENJOY THIS TWILIGHT SPARKLE! ENJOYMENT AND PLEASURE ARE NOT THE SAME THING! I TAKE WHAT PLEASURES THIS WRETCHED LIFE CAN GIVE ME BECAUSE IT IS ALL THAT KEEPS ME SANE! I TAKE PLEASURE IN THIS..." Her voice softened as, much to Twilight's shock, tears, ones that were black like ink, but tears none the less, began to fall from Nightmare's eyes, "because it's all I can do. I am the Spirt of Evil, and it is from evil that I draw my power. Without it, I wouldn't be anything. I am evil... but I am evil in the same way the wolf is evil for eating the sheep. I am evil because I haven't any other choice... I never had a choice... never had chance to have a life, to be something, any thing else."
Twilight's glare softened as she regarded Nightmare with something akin to pity, "There's always a choice."
"Perhaps, Twilight Sparkle, but there isn't always a good option in that choice," Nightmare muttered, "I choose to be evil, because my choice was to be evil or to spend every minute of my existence in constant pain and guilt. Even if the wolf chose not to be evil, that wouldn't mean it wouldn't have to eat the sheep anymore. My "choice," Twilight Sparkle, was between pleasure and pain, and few like to feel pain."
"But Discord-"
"Ah yes, the draconequus, the Spirit of Chaos who stopped causing chaos in the name of "friendship," and sacrificed most of his power to do so." Nightmare hissed, her disdain clear.
"But, now he isn't alone anymore... he has real friends, a real life of his own now," Twilight said, still staring into Nightmare's inky eyes. "The wolf who made the choice to feel pity for the sheep became a dog, and became a part of the Shepard's family."
"I can't, Twilight Sparkle," Nightmare growled, "Discord can because chaos is a part of life, it can't ever be stamped out. But evil-"
"Is also a part of life," Twilight interrupted, "Evil can come small as easily as it does big."
"That aside, I still need a host to have phyical presence."
"Dis-"
"-Is the Spirit of Chaos," Nightmare interrupted, scoffing, "Breaking the rules is what he does best."
"Then what about me?" Twilight asked.
Nightmare's eyes widened, "You would let me take your life?"
"No," Twilight shook her head slowly, feeling her body getting weaker and weaker. She was running out of time, "but I'd let you share it."
"You would trust the Lord of Darkness?" Nightmare asked, "You would place your faith in the Spirit of Evil?"
"If you will truly give this a chance," Twilight weakly held up her hoof towards Nightmare, who stared at it curiously, "then yes."
Nightmare looked down at it for a time. Then, she slowly reached out a took it, closing her eyes as Twilight did the same and let out a breath.
The form of Nightmare Moon dissolved into black mist that surged forth and into Twilight. She felt her body heal instantly as it was reshaped by the potent dark magic, she felt Nughtmare's mind slide against hers.
But, Nightmare made no move to try and take over. She didn't try to trap and seal Twilight's mind away. Instead, she seemed content to sit in the background, for once, able to rest.
Twilight stood, looking down at herself, taking in her changes, and sighed.
What's wrong? Nightmare's thoughts brushed up against Twilight's, who couldn't help but shiver at the intimacy of having her soul and mind winded up with Nightmare's.
"This is going to be a very interesting letter to Princess Celestia."
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holy shit this made me tear up in the end
good job tho!!!
sequel?
Great story sequel please
Oh my god this is amazing. More please!
SEQUEL
Get yourself an editor please.
Well, that was something. Not sure if it's a good something or a bad something yet, but it's something.
Oh wow I did not expect this..but I like it. Twilight is right...what a letter this will make! Nice work :)
nice concept, if this gets a sequel it will definitely be worth a look, but even as it stands, not bad.
So she's like Ranma and when she gets wet she turns into Aloe?
Oh we're doing this now, are we? Powergaming NMM, the most pathetic villain of the entire series who had her flank utterly handed to her by 6 mares who had no idea what was even going on?
And who couldn't defeat Celestia even with a DIRECT HIT?
Yet she's claiming to be more powerful than Discord, a creature capable of carelessly toying with BOTH alicorns and being utterly immune to their power without the EoH.
There is also an issue with creating ANOTHER aspect-type entity: if there is a spirit of Evil, it implies there must also be a Spirit of Good. Aspect entities are aggravating to write, as they must naturally be one-dimensional in nature, save for Chaos, who can be anything and everything.
This might have flown in Season 1, but we know NMM wasn't as strong as all that now.
Premises.
9052331
Yes but if an aspect must posses something, as NMM stated in the fic, you would assume they may in fact be limited by their host.
9052331
Evil lies, evil is ego. Put those together and evil will say it is the most powerful ever.
Really, when I see people complaining like this, they also seem to believe everything they are told at face value.
Any plans to turn it into a series?
Hmm. Please don't take this the wrong way, but this feels less like a story and more like an introductory chapter. You've got concepts introduced, but haven't really had the space to do much with them or resolve them almost at all, leaving the ending... unsatisfying feels too strong, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment. It's a neat little idea about how reforming the Nightmare could start, but right now it feels like "a start" is all it is. It would be nice to see this expanded and resolved, but for now I see it as a neat concept.
Also I agree with other commenters that you need an editor. There's a lot of small errors throughout that could use cleaning up.
Can't wait for the next chapter :3
Ok, overall... I like it but there are a number of spelling errors throughout.
Other than that, it feels like a really solid start to a longer story. Good job.
Really enjoyed this. Would love it if you decided to add more chapters than leave it as a one shot. Either way great story.
9052807 Usually when these things are 'statements' within a story, they tend to be 'true' in context unless directly contradicted by something else within the story.
At any rate, this feels like it takes place, or should have, back in Season 1 before we learned all the canon material up to this point. It doesn't make any sense now.
I think you should add the Gore tag with the amount of blood and wound descriptions in this fanfic.
Please please please write more!
SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!
Wonder if I should right a sequel?
Thumbs-down for me, sorry. You really need an editor to clean up the many errors abounding in this, and to flesh the story out a bit more. It just feels incomplete.
If you break it work and strip it down a bit, this is the story of Twilight Sparkle falling down a hole and talking to the Nightmare. I mean, its a start but it's not a story.
In addition, there are several parts that just break general written storytelling rules.
Stuff? What kind of stuff? It's ok to talk like this in a conversation, but when telling a story, it is the author's job to immerse the reader in the world you have created. Don't be afraid to describe it! Let us know what your world looks like, we'd love to see it!
Has NMM been tracking Twilight? Without omnipotence and being all-knowing, this line really doesn't make sense for her to say.
On a positive note:
I *love* the concept and general idea you have here. This could be the first chapter to an awesome tale. If you could find an editor to bounce ideas off of, and iron out the rough spots, this story really has potential.
Last of all, I loved the ending line. Just awesome.
9053879
So first of no just calling the debris "stuff" isn't breaking any storytelling rule. Maybe should have used debis rather than stuff but still it doesn't break that rule. Describing all the stuff would though. If it's not important or relevant don't describe it. Twilight obviously wouldn't care about any of cause she was ya know... dying. And unless one of them was narratively important the audience doesn't need to know what the stuff is.
As for the Nightmare knowing if she fought other villains or no why would she need to be following Twilight or have omniscience? It's fairly easy to assume that Twilight's taken out other villains. She is the barer of Equestia's greatest defense. Of course it easily duduce about other villains. Also discord wasn't exactly subtle when he came back.
(notices the character tag 'Nightmare Moon')
I think Nightmare Moon might be the tainted soul.
9053775
Perhaps you should 'right' this one first.
9053775
Yes, you should, but get someone to go through for grammar and spelling. The story itself is just fine.
MOAAARRR MAKE A SEQUEL PLEASE THIS IS SO GOOOOOOOOOD
9054303
Plan on it. I've just had a massive migraine for the day, and have been on my phone for all of it, which isn't exactly the best thing to try and make edits on
I enjoyed this story and while yes some people have valid points about how you can improve a lot of them like say word choice come from experience and cannot be learned at the drop of a hat. All in all good story that deserves a squeal. Thumbs up from me.
I'm genuinely surprised to have only seen this premise used twice in the whole of my time on this site. That being said, your work needs an editor; I had to reread some portions because I couldn't figure out what you meant to write.
Personal Opinion: this story has amazing potential and if a competent editor got his hands on it you'd have something close to a masterpiece. 'AVA MOOSTACHE!!!!
This looks rather fun, grammatical errors aside. I look forward to the rest and how everyone- er... everypony reacts to this turn of events. Hopefully we get some description as to what changes Twilight has gone through as well.
It'll certainly be interesting to read
1) Good story. The concept is awesome.
2) I can't give you a thumbs up because there is way too much slop. This story really needed to be proof read before posting. There's grammar issues, typos, wrong words used, structure problems.....it's kind of a mess.
3) Some people want more of this, but it stands very well on it's own. It's a great one-shot type of thing
I would totally give this a 7/10. I liked it a LOT!
Just make sure you have proof readers for your next story. If you can't get any proof readers, then you need to do it. The best way is to finish the story and then let it sit for a week or two. Then pick it up and give it a read. You'll see all sorts of things that need to be fixed if you do that.
I wana swe her frienda reactions to her new form
well this was rather interesting. i enjoyed it. thank you for writing it.
Spelling and grammatical errors aside, this looks like a good start to a bigger story. As is, Nightmare's transition seems a little rushed for a story that's supposed to stand on its own. Then again, fast reformations are par for the course in MLP, so what do I know? At any rate, definitely clean up the errors. Tracking just in case you decide to extend this.
I like this, I like this concept a lot... I think what you've created is wonderful, and should definitely be given more story. Though, as many have said before, an editor would be a great addition to this story. If you don't know where to look, send me a dm, I'm always happy to fix up a couple spelling errors, which is most of the issue here. But I like to think I'm also not bad at spotting grammar errors.
Before it starts getting serious (as I assume it will),
something silly.
for some reason i was reminded of this
OMG TWILIGHT HAS SONAR ABILITIES
SUBMARINE HUNTER TWILIGHT CONFIRMED
:D
a happy ending
for now
DUN DUN DUNNNN
sequel?
Amazing!
Good story, could use a bit of editing, but still very interesting.
This needs an optional sequel. Seriously.
An amazing start for a very long sequel
Very good story could use a sequel though.
9054308
Fuck, you took the words 'write' out of my mouth!
Grammar aside, this is the most fucking woobie thing I have ever read.
9117771
“Woobie...?”
9117984
Something very precious and snuggly, though I don't believe I've ever heard anyone else say it.