• Member Since 26th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Foal Star


I mostly write age regression fics

T
Source

Starlight Glimmer is mastering the power of transformation and has been taking studies with twilight. However, during her stay, she also set up a date with modeling dresses for Rarity and is now in a predicament of needing to be in two places at once. But that doesn't stop her from coming up with an interesting solution by transforming Sunburst into a copy of herself. But without realizing the modeling job was a bit more then what Sunburst anticipated...

The cover art artist and source: Skitter

Note: there is Boob inflation and sexual innuendo throughout. But this isn't clop.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 18 )

*chuckle* fetish.. ..that throw people off sometimes

9040031
Well the bikini stuff :twilightsheepish:

A rather silly mistake early in (bolded should be Rarity, as it is in the story's inspiration):

Sunburst smirked and adjusted his glasses as he explained, “uh I would love to help, but I think Twilight had your proportions in mind.”

Then there's this:

He then blushed as he took a fore hoof down his underbelly feeling two lumps which were his new teats and then drifted it lower touching the slit between her legs and squeaked releasing for the first time that his stallion hood was gone.

Touching a slit might actually be mature territory, and caught me rather off guard. More importantly, it's "realizing", not "releasing" and I'm pretty sure it should be "stallionhood" as one word, since otherwise, it could literally mean a hood for a stallion. The pronoun usage is also inconsistent.

There's a bunch of underlining near the end that I think is also a mistake, along with at least one forgotten spacing between words ("Starlightfollowed").

As to the story's overall feel, I found it to drag (no pun intended) on a bit for its premise. Good joke, bad delivery, pretty much.

9040118
Well I fixed the mistakes but thanks for the honest opinion. I made this more for a quick fun little idea and really wasn't expecting much.

9040134
Well, it certainly wasn't a boring read. Also, you introduced another missing space fixing that bit of dialog.

Hmmm... I wonder if Sunburst would accept another photo shoot? Sh.. he clearly has talent for modeling. :duck:

9040281
If people want a sequel i might make one more. :twilightsmile:

Just the cover hooked me into wanting to read this story!

The mare turned to her friend and asked sleepily. “hey how are you doing this fine morning?”

Aaaand this is where I stop.

Grammar:
Every time you start any sentence, capitalize.
Every time you start a dialogue, capitalize.

The latter of the two are where you have the most trouble. Let me show you.

Ember and Spike squeaked in Ember’s voice, “holy Celestia!”

It, in fact, should be

Ember and Spike squeaked in Ember’s voice, “Holy Celestia!”

It would be cool to see a sequel to this as it was enjoyable

9040441
Thanks for explaining that

Starlight groaned knowing Starlight would kill him

It's either a very interesting intentional slip or author confused himself out. For hilarity's sake , I'd changed it to "false Starlight" and "real Starlight".

9041193
I fixed the mistake.

9040288

A sequel would be awesome!

Loved the story by the way.

And some poof in the back.

Foal Star...

9042463
No its a not a diaper...or is it...:twilightsheepish:

Something just doesn't feel good about the flow of this. The premise is promising, but the lack of punctuation and polish just makes me regrettably have to pass.

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