Tally Marks

by Slateblu1

Evening

Homework didn’t take long. My tomato was juicy. My chest is a little sticky from the spray. I don’t care. I’ve got a book from the school library. The girls said I had to read Lord of the Rings. It’s deep, heavy, but most importantly, long. I spend hours just reading. Soon enough it’s time to eat. I throw on some clothes and head to the soup kitchen.

I don’t know what it is; I don’t ask. They assure me it’s vegan, and it’s warm. That’s enough for me. There’s plenty of people talking. It’s loud. I sit alone, away from everyone else. I don’t take long. I return my plate, thank them, and leave.

I go back home. Home. Such a strange word. There’s a saying, common to both worlds, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ What if the heart is broken? What if the heart doesn’t care anymore? Is home anywhere then?

I guess home is in my books then. That’s where I care. Where I feel. At least I have somewhere to escape to.

I sometimes wonder if I should just return to Equestria. I wonder if I’m allowed to. But I don’t. I know Twilight would want me to meet Celestia. I can’t. Not yet. There’s still too much pain.

Once I’m back in my room I change into my sleep clothes and get into my bed. It’s not much; an old mattress and a few sheets. But it keeps me warm enough.

I settle into my bed. I grab my light and my book and continue reading. The story is good enough. Once I’m tired enough I put my book back. Then my light goes out. My bed is decent.

I toss and turn for a while. I’m tired, but in the blackness, my mind wanders. I remember all the things I did. I remember the pain I caused. The hurt I felt.

I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. I’ve cried too much for that. Now I just pass out, exhausted. It’s a welcome relief from the pain of living. I wish I could just sleep, forever.

Comments

[Ri2]

...Well, that's depressing.

[Slateblu1]

8930941
Thanks :)
8931144
The journey already started. It's just a slow, long one.
8931363
To be fair, it is a story about depression.

[DJZapApple]

Wow. This is amazing so far. It’s kinda uncanny how similar I’ve been feeling these past couple of days and I can relate so much. I will definitely be following this story. Great job.

[wiccanminnesota]

I have read this from the first chapter to the last. I must say you have described 'additive cutting' rather well in this story. Being one who has many times suffered from 'additive cutting' I must also say that you have done a very impressive job on this story. The sense of pain, guilt, and loss are very real in this story which is what makes it so good and so hard to read at the same time. Nice job keep up the impressive work.

[SuperWabbit]

Pretty edgy - i kinda think the whole cutting thing and how depressed sunset is is a bit over the top, but nice writing overall.

[Vaguely Demented]

Hell of a thought to end it on. Never felt the desire to try cutting personally, I always just let my mind wander about unimportant things until I had a reason to actually do something. Otherwise I found her attitude remarkably relatable.

[The Lurking Creep]

Have you been cutting or done other things to feel pain just because you feel the need for pain? Because I have burnt myself with candles a lot bit because of that feeling...

[Slateblu1]

8956837
I haven't cut, but I'm sure I've done other things to cause myself pain. I've struggled with this for years, actually.

[NightCoreMoon]

Oh my god I'm so stupid I just realized THE FIC ITSELF IS AN ALLEGORY FOR DEPRESSION

I hope to god that was purposeful because holy SHIT if it was then... then I understand it now

everything is grey and dull and uneventful and the good parts fade into obscurity as if they didn't even happen, and all you can focus on is the bad parts, or worse, only the neutral parts. you don't do things because you want to but because you have to. this has got to be the literary equivalent of a trent reznor concept album circa the 90s.

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

8984791
I don't read comments before I slip ino the story generally, so I was waiting for you to get it. Yeah, it is.

[Csquared08]

All in all, you had a good idea. I think the last couple chapters definitely worked a lot better than first couple. It's just that the information overload in such a short time was too much. I think maybe another couple hundred words in the early chapters to help slow down the rush would have kept the story from trying to do too much too quickly.

[Pete100]

I go back home. Home. Such a strange word. There’s a saying, common to both worlds, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ What is the heart is broken? What if the heart doesn’t care anymore? Is home anywhere then?

I don’t think anyone has thought of that.

[Pete100]

10445906
But, won’t they keep talking about it if she doesn’t?

[Pete100]

10630094
Wow, that’s sad.

[Slateblu1]

10630484
10392240
10445906
10630094
10446139

The point is she doesn't want to confront them about it. Not yet. Part of it is self imposed pacifism. She doesn't want anyone thinking she's 'falling back to her old ways,' and so even standing up for herself is risky, in her mind. She won't do anything to risk losing her new friends. Part of it is self hate. She thinks she deserves the attacks. And part of it is a lack of energy. She could confront them about it, she could make a fuss. But she doesn't care enough about it to do so. The effort required to fight it and get people to stop is more than the peace of mind she'd get by them stopping.

It's incredibly easy, when depressed, to look at something requiring effort and just say "It's not worth it." Depression can often make any effort at all seem like an insurmountable task.

[Pete100]

10630531
Makes sense

[Delighted Delirium]

I go back home. Home. Such a strange word. There’s a saying, common to both worlds, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ What is the heart is broken? What if the heart doesn’t care anymore? Is home anywhere then?

I feel that....

[reboot-this-pc]

10640941
I forgot about this comment XD OMG I'm Laughing so hard I'm blue in the face

[PaulAsaran]

You can has review!