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MegaCheesy


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When Sunset Shimmer was blasted by the elements of harmony, something went very wrong. Instead of sending her into a crater, she was lunged in the air. Sunset Shimmer crashed to the ground, an audible snap could be heard.

This is the first part of my Equestria Girls continuity.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 59 )

I think you mean "she was launched into the air" instead of "lunged in the air" in the long description.

Celestia looked up from her student, only to see her adopted brother, Nate. He held two bags, probably containing two sandwiches and some soup. He looked super concerned but didn't voice his thoughts just yet.

You seem unsure about the contents of the bag. Taking the “probably” out would make more sense here.

I wonder how Twilight would take this? Almost killing Sunset

Well now. This looks interesting.

"What fall? What the hell are talking about?!" Sunset screamed. She demanded answers, yet the demon still laughed at her pleas. "After the elements blasted your dumbass, you were sprung into the air causing you to plummet to your death. Yet, you never did... Interesting..."

"After the elements blasted your dumb ass".

The two shuttered at the same time, now laughing at each other's reactions.

Should be "shuddered".

That aside, you have my attention.

Not digging the character Nate. Is he at all necessary for the plot? It's one thing that he is Celestia's adopted brother, but the casual mention that he was a demon once with no buildup is just gratuitous. Heck, this first chapter is more about him than Sunset, who is supposed to be the focus of the story.

I know this is early days, but this fic is veering into the common pitfall of inserting OCs: the story becomes a lower priority and the focus becomes 'this is my OC, and isn't he so cool?'.

It's an intriguing concept. Some grammatical errors here and there, but I think it's an opportunity for a compelling story. It'll be interesting to see how you balance Nate with the main cast - OCs are tricky, because they need to feel like a part of the world without supplanting what's already there. That said, they provide avenues for exploring the narrative in ways that (sometimes) one can't with only the main cast. If you don't mind some suggestions, I'd recommend making sure that you never have dialogue from two different people in the same paragraph (as that can be confusing) and striving for a 'show, don't tell' approach when it comes to exposition as much as possible - that gives the reader a more satisfying experience because of the thrill of discovery. This is particularly important when it comes to Nate. With OCs, if too much is handed to us too early on (e.g. his story is incredibly tragic, or he can do something incredibly cool), it often gets an eye-roll from the readers; if, on the other hand, it's revealed organically through his interactions with others (e.g. the compassion he displays without explaining why immediately, or the actions he takes on instinct) then the story and character grow together and people tend to enjoy journeying with both. But those are just my impressions. With all that said, I think the premise of a differently-abled Sunset is a solid one, with plenty of opportunities for looking at how life can be beautiful even in the midst of adversity. I have multiple differently-abled people in my family, and I always like to find stories that deal with that struggle without belittling it or acting as though they can't live rich lives. Thank you for taking the topic on. You have my attention.

9347457
Sorry, this was just an introduction of him. I'll try to focus on more on Sunset.
I can't say he also turned into a demon or anything. It's most likely some dumb coincidence.

9347480
Thanks for all of the feedback. My other stories barely got any attention, so seeing this one blow up is kinda jarring.
Thanks again!

9347049
Fixed!
Thanks for pointing that out for me!

There are quite a few tense switches, like at the beginning:

She couldn't remember a damn thing afterward. It's a just a blank...

If you want to keep it consistently in past tense, it should be "It was just a blank". Also, there are some odd grammar choices in some sentences.

9347457
9347480
Yeah, I'm not sold on Nate either. He appears out of nowhere, there's barely any explanation for his existence, apart from "he's Celestia's adopted brother" and I don't quite see any real purpose of including him here – his role could as well be filled by Luna.

This is so good will definitely follow along with it

Not sure if this is good or not yet, with this only being the first part. Will be keeping an eye on this to see if it develops into anything interesting.

Would be interesting to see how she handles going to school since there are obviously no ramps at CHS. Being wheelchair-bound myself, I'd love to see how this goes

I wonder how Twilight and the Rainbooms are handling that they nearly murdered someone. Hell I'll be surprised if Princess Celestia doesn't try to head over to find out

I guess the Elements are handled differently on account on being in a different universe.

9429796
Yep. Everything you knew doesn't apply here... probably.

9429711
Maybe you'll see that next chapter...

how long will it take a new chapter?

9430897
No idea. I just kinda write when I want to.

Nice chapter, almost forgot bout this story. But I think it would be better to expand the conversation between Dash and Sunset, it felt too short about something so life changing.

But I do like how she slowly starting improve emotionally.

Will we get a glimpse in the other girls as wella s Twilight thoughts and feelings?
Sure Twilight when she returned must of broke down crying sobbing for forgiveness from Celestia.

9559248
I would've, but I honestly had no idea how to expand it...

its well wrote just heavily rushed

don't know if this is a self-insert or not, but I feel that maybe Nate should have been givin a more equestrian name, like Red Dawn or some other name, i just feel that would make him more endearing to the sisters and Sunset.

9587309
His entire purpose of existing is to be different. The clash fits with his boring appearance.

The shadowy figures stood around Sunset's paralyzed form, each one offering a hand. The former unicorn took it, the mist disappears. The snow had become grass, now tickling her bare legs - sunflowers grew in an open field. The mountains never ceased, giving shade from the burning sun. The figures each smiled, now pulling Sunset into her arms.

Uh if Sunset is paralyzed then she won't be able to feel the grass. Paralyzation is caused by nerve damage.

More?
I know uploading a lot is hard but I love this.

I am intrigued to see where this leads, please when you have time and inspiration drop some more words for us. Tnx

and dropped it at seeing your worthless self insert nate

9586731
It also has some weird priorities. Like, it seems this Nate guy has gotten more focus than Sunset has so far.

Please do more chapters I love it so far

Dash didn't even wince as her nails dug into her nails

9740060
I wouldn't say more focus than sunset but he IS the second most referred to character just after sunset. He's mentioned more often than Tia or Luna.

It doesn't help that he's just sort of out of nowhere and apparently has gone through something of the same thing Sunset has (minus the legs) with no explanation.

9871720
But he's hogging all the attention (intentional or not).
Celestia is beating herself up over not being able to help Sunset, but thank god she has a brother like Nate.
Sunset has turned into a literal demon, just like Nate did! (I guess, apparently, for some reason...)
Nobody get any alone time with any character cause he keeps showing up

9873859
Yeah. I totally get what you're saying. He's keeping things from getting heavy. Which in a drama like this feels like it's trying to be is a GOOD thing. It's just really awkward overall.

9875299
I completely understand what you two are putting down. I'm not sure if I am going to update this story, I have no good ideas for it. I'll probably rework it completely, but there are no promises.

Nate's character was planned to be a drama absorbing ball, but it didn't really work out. I gave him too much focus, which I apologize for.

I wonder when we can expect the next chapter?

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