23 - Okay
Quick note; all but the last horizontal rule (the lines) indicate the start/end of flashbacks, as opposed to the small time skips they would usually represent.
Sunset sighed, absently poking at the fire in front of her with a stick, before throwing it onto the flammable junk that acted as fuel to the flames. Her shelter was holding together suprisingly well, holding off the wind with ease, though it did nothing to negate the cold, hence the fire she was currently warming her hands on. While the combination of the fire and the roof above her stopped most of the snow from bothering her, occasionally one slipped through, this one landing directly in Sunset's eye.
Blinking rapidly to dislodge the intruder, the homeless girl glanced up as she heard footsteps in the snow, subconsciously bringing the filthly blanket closer around her. Looking to her right, she saw a silhouette stalking down the alley. It was not called a silhouette because of the lack of light, but rather the fact that it was pitch black, despite the moon shining clearly onto the figure. Coming closer to Sunset, his face was lit by the fire, revealing the sole definable features of two white eyes, irises only noticable due to two black rings outlining them. Wordlessly, the unnamed figure sat down at the fire, shifting awkwardly in the melted snow he sat in. Looking through the fire at Sunset, he opened his mouth, revealing jet black teeth mouth, gums, everything, and spoke.
"Who are you?"
"Who are you?" Sunset echoed, though with much more caution in her voice.
"...Leon." The man answered, maintaining his monotone, before repeating, "Who are you?"
"Sunset." The girl answered without much thought, knowing that she still didn't exist on paper.
"And what about the others? How have they treated you?"
"Well..."
Bon Bon, Lyra, Octavia and Vinyl waited inside one of two music rooms that CHS contained. Upon the discovery of Bon Bon's talent for brass instruments, the musical quartet had decided to form a group, each of them using there own musical skills, which appeared to cover a broad basis. However, upon their first try out, it was revealed that none of them could truly sing. As back up vocalists, perhaps, but as lead singers, they were all useless.
So, this had led to the four of them waiting for who would soon be their fifth member - Sunset. As she had proven in the Battle of the Bands, she had a powerful vocal range, and was very skilled with a guitar, something that was mostly lacking by the rest of the group.
For now, the group was filling the silence with various discussions, ranging to musical plans to other people.
"Well, if we get someone who's purely a vocalist, or focuses mainly on any kind of vocals, then we might be able to-"
"But who?" Lyra cut Bon Bon off, "Sonata's agreed to join once everyone stops giving her, and I quote, 'unhappy looks'. I don't know what that actually means, but if we introduce her too soon..."
"Got it. She still needs to recover anyway. No one recovers from being stabbed that quickly. What if-"
"Vinyl says we need a beat. Preferably a drummer. Any ideas?" Octavia gently cut in, turning away from Vinyl, before the pale girl walked forwards and made some more gestures, moving her limp fists up and down. "...Apparantly, someone is a skilled drummer? Sorry, do that again?" More signs. "Someone will be a skilled drummer? Just spell out who it is, Vinyl. I know you like to sign the word that they are named after, but this is getting nowhere."
Vinyl only got through one sign - the letter 's' - before the door swung open. She waved her hand dimissively, instead directing her attention at Sunset, who was walking through the doorway with a new looking guitar case slung over her shoulder. Nodding at her friends, she deposited her intrument next to the electric piano, leaning it against the stand. Grabbing a nearby chair, she pulled it over to the square that the four had formed, sitting back on it. "So."
"So?"
"I got a text. All it says is to come here and bring my guitar. So come on. Is this some insane sceme, or what?" She glanced around almsot fearfully, whispering, "Lyra didn't try inventing something again, did she?"
"Har. Har har har. Funny." Sunset only smirked in response. "But no. You know how we're thinking of starting a sort of band? Nothing big, just we play together, maybe we perform if we're good enough. I know Vinyl plans on making a 'Tube channel."
"And you want me to join with my guitar?"
"And your voice." Octavia added, before shuddering. "My ears still ache after that."
"'That'?"
"We don't talk about that." Bon Bon added, give Sunset a cold stare.
Chuckling, the equestrian pushed herself off of her chair, exclaiming, "Well then, what's the plan?"
"We figured we'd just experiment with what we can play. Y'know, find out what we can actually use, what sounds too bad, and so on."
And so it happened. Vinyl went around recording various pieces created by their group, each discovering their own capabilities. Octavia was brilliant on anything that could be considered 'classical', but tended to lend her skills most towards anything in the violin family, particularly the cello. Lyra was, as always, affectionate to harps and lyres, but was happy to play almost anything that involved strings, though she flat out refused to play an electric guitar, citing the reason as being 'past experiences'. Bon Bon shot a warning glance to everyone at those words, causing everyone to drop the subject. The confectioner was actually fairly talented in all and any wind instruments, going so far as to play the bag pipes, much to Octavia's chagrin. Vinyl, was of course most skilled in electronic manipulation, showing off in some dubstep she had created on a pair of portable turntables, though she also proved to be skilled in any type of piano, her hands being very swift from years of sign language.
As for Sunset, she proved to live up to expectations, her skill in guitars being matched by none, though she refrained from singing - for now. If she was honest, it was nice, even if it evoked bad memories. She was talking with friends, interacting in a way that she enjoyed, nothing felt forced. It was simply somewhere in which she could blend in, not living in any amount of fear, nor was any guilt brought upon herself.
Sunset could only feel comfortable in this situation. She could only feel like she actually fitted in.
"So you're happy there?"
"I guess you could say that." Sunset had shed her blanket, instead using it as a seat, the fire in front of her warming her. Leon continued to look through the flames, his skin seemingly unaffected by the light they were giving off.
"That isn't all though, is it? I can't just be them, can it?" Leon continued to question, though no questioning tone was found in his voice. "There are others?"
"But of course."
Derpy climbed into her classic mini cooper, painted light grey with yellow stripes, reminiscent of her own colouring. Sunset got into the passenger seat, remembering the first time she had found out the clumsy girl drove. She had turned up to school with an armchair tied to the small car's roof, having picked it up early in the morning and had no time to return home with it before coming to school. While she had been mocked for it at the time, Derpy was a surprisingly good driver for someone with a visual disability like the extreme case of strabismus that the blonde possessed. She made sure to be careful when ever any other cars were around, and even then she rarely drove with no one else in the car.
"Thanks for doing this." Derpy said as the car set off, its motor slowly humming.
"For doing what? Keeping you company?" Sunset responded, unsure if she was saying that jokingly or not.
"Well, kinda." She set off, pulling out of the school car park and onto the road. "I just like actually company, but there's something else... I dunno. You know how everyone used to do that 'no offence' thing to you?"
"Hard to forget..."
"Well, it's not as blantant with me, but it just happens everytime. It's not snide comments about how I can't see straight - most of the time - but it's just how people subconsciously draw attention to it. Absolutely everyone does it. Even people like Bon Bon, she looks from eye to eye, instead of just looking at my face. The only other one who doesn't do it other than you is Vinyl, but that's out of understanding and sympathy, as everyone looks at her hands when conversing instead of her face. You're not pitying me-"
"Red light, slow down."
"Thanks. But anyway, you're not pitying me or anything. You're just doing it because you can. Not because you feel a need to do so. Not because you're feeling the mob behind you, torches lit and pitchforks held. You don't want to join them, you're not only able to swim against the tide, you can see through the white water, the kind of stuff that would normally push you under and leave you for dead. Maybe that's because you've been there,-"
"Turn."
"Turn? Oh, right. Thanks."
"No problem. It might be because you know what it's like a little bit, it might simply be because you understand what people like me have to go through and what we want. Either way, it's not like everyone else. You treat me like anyone else, instead of how everyone else would. It's... I dunno..." Derpy's head rolled from side to side as she tried to think of the right phrasing. "Nice. Accepting. Not forced. I'm sure you can relate to that last one."
"Sis!"
Derpy's head turned to look out the side window momentarily, spotting Dinky waving at her sister. Slowing to a stop, the younger girl quickly got into the back behind Sunset, pushing the older girl's seat momentarily forward to do so. "Sorry, Sunset."
"...My knees..."
The driver of the car couldn't help but snigger slightly as she set off again, her oldest passenger rubbing her knee caps in a desperate attempt to negate the pain. And yet, despite the pain filled grimace that was on her face, Sunset couldn't help but smile internally at Derpy's earlier words. It was oddly philosophical for the bubbly girl, but it was comforting all the same. As she had said, it was nice. Nice to be helpful, instead of useful.
"You should listen to her." Leon commented, looking up from the base of the fire.
During the story, Sunset had taken to lying down on her side, before rolling over to face away from the fire, intent on going to sleep. "You can go now. I'm tired."
"Not quite yet. Tell me of your family. It seems they are far closer to your heart than any... previous family members."
Sighing, Sunset sat up, throwing some more fuel onto the slowly dying campfire, before turning to see Leon was now sitting next to Sunset, leaning slightly against the shelter. "Fine. Only because I can't be bothered to argue."
Books.
If there was something Sunset's new family all had in common, it was books. Velvet was an author, and as a result often looked through other books for help when stuck, and Night Light often read science books to make sure his own knowledge didn't dull. Shining and his wife had a thing for detective and romance novels respectively, while Twilight just ate any sort of literature she could lay her hands on.
Back when she was Celestia's student, Sunset rarely ever reread books, and had a custom spell she herself designed to automatically read the knowledge that was in them. As a result, the unicorn had threw herself straight into practice whenever she believed she knew everything there was to know. Once she had entered the human world, however, Sunset had found herself studying in the library that she lived next to for many hours, learning all she could about this world and commiting it to memory.
This was why Sunset had readily agreed to going on a short trip to the same library - she had not had the oppotunity to do so since before Christmas, and now intended to see if there was anything new she could look at. When the equestrian had been walking alongside one of the bookcases, her eyes rapidly reading each title, Twilight had come up to her, asking what she was looking for.
"Something new," She had answered, "I've read all of these books already. Excluding a few topics I absolutely refuse to delve into, and I never really liked any fiction. When you come from a place where many fairy tales here are real or even bigger, it kind of loses its charm." Twilight had opened her mouth for a counterargument, but seeing the book Sunset indicated that she would not read, the bookworm instantly conceded the point. She could see why that particular part of horse anatomy could be very weird.
That, in turn, had lead Twilight to presently ask, "Do horses exist in your world?"
"No," Sunset responded, gesturing for her sister to join her at a small table, away from any visitors, "at least not anymore. It's why I take being called a horse as an insult. The horses of the other world were the ancestors of the vast majority of hooved creatures. Calling a pony a horse would be like calling a human a monkey. Ponies were created when horses were exposed over time to different forms of energy, also known as magic. Almost every other hooved species were evolved from horses the normal way. Camels were horses that needed to adapt to the desert, for example. It should also be noted that horses were a slave race to some other ancient species, and the remainder of those slaves evolved into donkeys - magicless ponies were extreme amounts of stamina and strength equal to an earth pony, sometimes more. Of course, there are other reasons why the hooved species of my world became the way they did, but that's a story for another day. Mainly because I don't feel like explaining how all goats were stripped of the majority of their intelligence because of some ridiculous necromancer. A powerful one at that, but still stupid in my books."
Sunset stood, allowing Twilight to take in the new knowledge as the ex-unicorn went off in pursuit of new knowledge, or failing that, entertainment. Her eyes briefly wandered to the detective and mystery section. They were the only sorts of books Sunset even thought about reading, since they could probably pass for a novel in Equestria too. Shrugging, she made her way over, glancing about for any sign of Shining in his preffered genre.
Sorting through the various stories, Sunset found nothing that caught her immediate attention. She was about to pick out a book to briefly flick through when her brother's voice caused her to look away.
"Hey Sunset!" The man was making his way back into the library, apparantly having stepped out to do something momentarily.
"Shh!" Sunset put a finger to her lips. She had once been scolded by the librarian, and while fairly nice, she was very insistant on the rules to an extreme degree. Once Shining was closer, she answered, "Hey Shiny. What's up?"
"Thought you might want to know about Breeze." The police officer practically spat out the name, as Sunset had a similar reaction of disgust. "Been declared unfit of trial. He's going straight to the looney bin, family hasn't even bothered to help him."
"Good." The girl did have a twinge of guilt for allowing Fluttershy's brother to be taken away, but it was soon washed away by the anger Sunset had for the boy. While Sonata was up and about in less than a week thanks to magic, the mental effects don't always go away so easily. She flinches at the mere mention of a 'breeze', and was clearly no longer comfortable around Fluttershy. She did have plenty of support, most of all from her sisters - even Adagio had given up her petty plotting to give help to Sonata - but Sunset knew first hand that it isn't always enough.
In truth, Sunset had no idea how to actually help Sonata. Her sisters were the only ones who knew how a siren's mind works, but even then, they admitted that Sonata's past was a bit of a mystery. They weren't even entirely sure of their origins, though they were certain she did know. Aria had then grabbed Sunset by the neck and warned her not to even mention their pasts before the human world to Sonata. Sunset had hurriedly agreed.
"And about Gilda..." Shining brought Sunset out of her thoughts with a sour voice full of distaste. "The rest of that gang eventually confessed. Mostly after it was reiterated many times that their reaction was idiotic and extreme. The guys reckon she'll be in juvie for a few months if she's good, over a year if not. Too soon to say for sure."
"Thanks for letting me know." That was another thing that was bothering Sunset - Gilda. She honestly had no clue how to react to her. On one hand, she kidnapped Twilight and held her hostage. But on the other hand, she had been blackmailed into it. It made Sunset's think back to her own blackmailing times. The look of horror some people had when confronted with their own dirty secrets had given Sunset a new perspective on it. She knew how desperate teenagers could be over their social life - paranoid like their life depended on it. It's why Anon-a-miss was so effective, after all, as much as Sunset hated to admit it.
Nodding, Shining turned his attention to the bookcase they were next to, quickly picking out a book and taking it to a table, flicking through it. Sunset moved away, intent on finding something interesting to read, or at the very least look at.
Alas, it was not meant to be. A quick word to her adoptive mother, and Sunset was wandering outside the library, clearing her mind. She sat on the steps, having a quick look through the journal, reading through her ealier correspondence with Princess Twilight. Other than the 'dark magic prophecy' that Sunset more or less ended up ignoring, Sunset found that the alicorn almost felt the same way about her own friends not too long ago.
During her brother's wedding, and the subsequent invasion, she found that the normally friendly and outgoing mare had been feeling rejected after her friends had not believed her suspiscions, and when she was proven right, they just continued on when the changelings were defeated. Judging by the tear stains that had appeared on the pages, it had been something that had tormented the princess for a long time, and really needed to vent. Sunset was more than happy to provide sympathy for her interdimensional friend, but it also brought back thoughts of her own friends, and how conflicted she still felt. While she told herself she needed time to forgive, she honestly doubted she would ever truly forgive her three other friends.
That was yet another thing that was on her mind - why did she forgive Dash and Fluttershy so quickly? It couldn't of been just because they came looking for her. That played an important part in it all, but it just didn't seem enough...
Shaking her head, Sunset stood, absentmindedly meandering into a nearby alley. She couldn't help but chuckle at the shelter that had been collapsed once more. It was almost nostalgic, at least it had been until-
"Waitwaitwait. Wait." Sunset pinched her nose, sighing. "Dream?"
"Dream." Leon answered, giving a short nod.
"Luna?"
"Tis- It is so."
Giving a brief chuckle, Sunset slumped back, carelessly using the still burning fire as a foot rest, without a hint of pain in her body. "So, Princess, what's with Mr. Tall D. Scary?"
"'Mr. Tall D. Scary'?" Luna echoed, her voice fading back to a female tone as she morphed into her normal equine form.
"Tall, dark and scary." The girl said dimissively, waving a hand to dismiss the matter. "But seriously, why the disguise?"
"I am sorry for deceiving you. I had intended to test my abilities in this realm, and from what I have heard of you, I doubted you'd take offense at it." The alicorn gave an apologetic look to Sunset, but she just brushed it off with another wave.
"It's fine. I can respect someone testing their limits." She attempted to give a snort of amusement, momentarily forgetting she was still a human. "Unlike most of Equestria, it seems."
"Indeed, but this is not what I have come to ask of you."
"Oh?"
"My sister's dreams have been very... troubled recently. Usually I do not directly influence Tia's dreams, though I feel this calls for different measures." The blue mare gave Sunset a serious stare, causing the girl to sit up, returning an equally serious look. Seeing she had her companion's attention, Luna turned to face the fire once more, watching it lick the air. "It is not something I can solve myself. I shan't bore you with some speech on responsibility, but I would ask of you to enter my sister's dream."
"...Sure, lets do it."
Luna released a breath she didn't even know she was holding. Wordlessly, the entrance to the alleyway became a mass of stars, floating and moving about, before shifting to present a dark, empty room. The alicorn of the night gave a gasp on exhaustion, the creation of the portal taking a lot out of her. "The... C- Celestia's dream is only just starting. You should have until it ends before you wake up. Go, and do not tarry. I do not know how much longer I can keep this up."
Nodding, Sunset promptly stood up, and walked through the portal without any exceptional flair.
"Look into this mirror and tell me what you see." Celestia led her student into the room, presenting a mirror with a brief hoof gesture.
"I see a mare who almost never got the chance to forgive herself, and a mare who is struggling to do the same for herself."
The alicorn turned to look at the teenage pony, an ever so slightly confused expression on her face. "Explain. Elaborate."
Sighing, Sunset trotted to the side, levitating out two large cushions, taking a seat on one of them. "At one point, we both though the same thing. We both wanted to earn forgiveness, but we were both scared of rejection, fearful that we didn't deserve the other's forgiveness." She gave a short, humourless chuckle. "Sounds like a bitter break up in a romance novel."
As Celestia sat down on the other cushion, she continued. "But I digress. My point is, neither of us were willing to confront each other because of false beliefs. And even when we confronted each other under more... unexpected circumstances, it was, let's be honest, half hearted. Neither of us wanted to push too hard lest we lose the other. So now, let's sort it out. Oh, and would you kindly wipe that annoying mask off your face and figure it out?"
"Buh?" The princess eloquently responded, before her face melted into an expression of understanding. "This is a dream. Of course. Come to haunt me, apparition?"
Rolling her eyes, Sunset leaned over to her mentor, and promptly hit her with a hoof. "Did you feel that? Does it sting a little? Yes? That means either something is influencing the dream, or it's not a dream at all. And no, it's not metaphor for anything, nor am I Luna in disguise." Everytime Celestia opened her mouth to say something, 'Sunset' seemed to state and answer. "It is me. I am Sunset Shimmer. Believe it or not, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you listen. Got that?"
The solar princess could only nod dumbly. "Good." Sunset sighed again, this time more sadly. She lifted a fetlock, looking at the numerous scars that had appeared on beneath the amber fur. "You know, there's something I heard recently. It was about injuries. There's three types of injuries. First is things like cuts. At the end of the day they're going to heal without a trace. These you can easily get past as if nothing happened. Barely anyone will remember it, and even those who do will shrug it off when brought up in a painful way. For example, our heated conversation about organisation. Seems stupid and silly now that we look back on it. Of course, enough cuts and it will eventually leave a scar, or worse. Enough conversations, can become something much worse. Several small fights in a boxing ring can eventually lead to murder if it isn't a friendly relationship.
"Now, a scar, or perhaps broken bones. They don't heal properly. Both can become discreet, but they will always be there. Whether it be a red line on skin, a wobble in a step, or a miniscule crack on a bone, someone will always be able to tell it was once there. For us, I suppose that would be me running away. We both have gotten over that initial act, or will definitely do so soon. I don't know which is the case for you, if I'm honest. But we will always remember it, we'll be reminded every so often that it happened, and won't completely laugh it off. And again, enough scars can end up becoming something so much worse, or, if you're lucky, just a ever so tiny mark, unnoticable to almost everyone.
"And finally, we are the more permament injuries. May it be paralysis, an amputation, or even brain damage. Any living being can find ways around these injuries using machinery, surgery, and the like. But that doesn't mean they simply disappear. They will always be there, always in some part of the being's mind, constantly being a hinderence. You believe our current relationship is like that, your guilt being the cause. You shall never forget it, always having it nag you in the back of your mind, forever leaving you worried, scared, traumatised." Sunset stood up, coming over to Celestia, bringing her muzzle inches away from the alicorn's. "That is not what it is. It is a scar. You can move past it, but only if you stop rubbing the scar and constantly agitating it. You're opening wounds over and over again. And for what?"
Sighing, she moved back to her cushion, lifting up a foreleg to show the scars once more. "It's going to take me a while to move on from me trying to take my own life. The scars run deep, both mentally and physically. They will be with me for the rest of my life. But I've accepted that, faced it and decided I can live with it. It's not something that you get over easily, but I can get over it, and I know I will. I've done well so far, actually."
She put her hoof back down, grunt with annoyance. "But you're not doing that, are you? What you need to do is accept that what happened, happened. There's nothing more to it than that. You understand that the past isn't going to change, and you forgive yourself. Those simple little things. It's all you need to do."
Sunset appeared to stretch, groaning a little as she did so. "Now that that's ingrained into your ancient mind, I've got more important things to talk to you about."
Celestia stared straight ahead for a long moment, her eyes unfocused, before she nodded her head softly. "I understand what you mean. But... after it happening so many times, I'm not sure I can."
The smaller mare snorted, before fixing Celestia with a short glare. "Horsefeathers. That's because you do the same thing each time. Well, in the past anyway. Say what you want about Princess Twilight's methods, but she is remarkably efficient at instantly reforming the so called evils of the world, elements of harmony or not. What you need to do is be more accepting both past and present, and not shove stuff in the back of the closet until it comes back out, murderer's axe and all."
Closing her eyes, Sunset gave a small chuckle, smiling at some passing thought. "You know, I remember when we wanted to be family. A mother and daughter. I think it was clear to me now that you thought the same, despite me thinking otherwise. I was just too... difficult to be treated with any sort of mothering instinct. And now, after, what three, four chances? After three chances at finding a family, I've got one. But, to me, I honestly don't want to exclude you like that. So what do you think, aunt Celestia? Do you think you can maintain a long distance relationship?"
A thin smile broke out on Celestia's face, and she nodded slowly. "I think that shall work, my niece." She leaned over for a hug, both parties gripping the other tightly. Sunset nuzzled the white fur, and Celestia rested her head on top of the red and gold mane protectively. Both ponies stayed like that, until a distant rumble drew the unicorn's attention, and she pulled away, much to the alicorn's displeasure.
"I think that's my cue to leave. But remember what I said." Sunset looked up with fierce green eyes, staring into the sun princess' soul. "The cuts are gonna heal and the scars are gonna look okay. Words to live by, if you ask me."
She practically lunged forward again, rolling Celestia over and embracing each other with every ounce of strength in their bodies as the dream around them disappated, leaving the two of them suspended in an empty void.
"It's going to be okay."
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I just realised how long the authors notes really were.... good lord that's a lot.
And again, thanks everyone for the comments. They genuinely stopped this fic become a complete... 'clusterfuck' really doesn't do it justice. Still, thanks a lot!
Okay, three hours after I post this, and I've gotten a lot of favourites. Thanks for that as well!
While i like this ending, it pisses me off you had the bit about the wedding mentioned, seems it was never settled.
Also you didn;t have Sunset reveal that to Celestia, so it will be a issue for Twilight still.
9244719
While those probably will be valid points, I do/did have plans for the sequel to include that as a serious point. Mainly Celestia being really overbearing again to Twilight, thinking she'll lose her too.
If I'm honest, I'll probably change it in the future. But for now, it's staying.
9244754
Hmmm, I read the bit on how this story was far different from the original, and yeah.... You changed the shipping. Original was fluttershy and Sunset.
Some of it went overboard, or rather..............overkill.
Celestia appearing and ULTIMATE POWER AND RAGE OF A GODDESS
Yeah get why she was mad, but....sorry how I felt.
Not sure how i feel about Sonata now afraid of Fluttershy it was her brother who stabbed her, and seems to be directing the fear to her now.
and if the answer because he was her brother sorry but not good enough.
Fluttershy has enough reasons to feel bad and adding that seems a bit much. Hoping it address in the sequel.
9244835
Again, most of that has to do with potential sequel. I planned this quite intricately, and made sure that if I do write my next story, I have material to use in it, instead of me just doing a few chapters and running out of stuff to write.
That goes for a lot of things, but feel free to point them out.
But as for the shipping, I'll say this: I can't write romance. Not properly anyway. And, if I'm honest, I really didn't want to do shipping anyway. Not my kinda thing at the moment.
And as for Celestia, well, that was partially a result of me wanting a really angry Celestia scaring Sunset, leading to a fight, and partially me reading this chapter of the story 'Dawn' at the time. If I'm honest, I am conflicted on that one. Not sure how much of it was me trying to write a good story, or how much of me reading that and going "Hey! That's cool! Imma copy it."
Surprised Sunset doesn’t read science fiction. Despite the immortal words of Arthur C Clarke the tech does tend to create a vastly different atmosphere in a novel, especially because almost all tech is useable by anyone.
9244835
9244849
Wait, I'm lost, what ship?
9250284
In the original Fluttershy had feelings for Sunset, the orginal the story was based off of.
9250297
No I mean in this one.
9250299
There is no ship, as far as I'm aware. If there is, it's unintentional. Though I admit that I like the idea of Big Mac and Sunset, and I included it a tiny bit. But nothing big.
9250303
It's just that the other guy said you changed the ship.
9250351
I think that they meant that I got rid of it. I dunno.
Hey, Diablo! Answer for the guy!
9320468
Fair, though my third sentence still stands.
This story seems to be teasing a sequel
9354154
If I can finish a decent amount of said sequel, it is.
9354211
Take your time, I believe you can do it.
9485203
What I mean is that too much adrenaline WILL damage your body
9770541
Okay so I read on and finished. The story definitely stabilized a bit after chapter 14.
My criticisms about the Siren's I can partially retract. I can see how you wanted to include them, the timing was just a little off. You came up with 3-5 ideas you wanted to use but they all were vying for space and the plot got bottlenecked.
I can also partially retract the Celestia criticisms too, the last chapter uses her appropriately if a bit late and it still clashes with the silly random Celestia from the beginning and middle.
The CMC actually getting some time to talk in the story helped but they were still barely in a story with them as the original antagonist. They could have used time to develop.
Twilight actually gets some more time to develop a relationship with Sunset which was good but the rest of the family only barely gets the same. It's kind of repetitive at this point so I'm gonna stop saying it case by case. The biggest issue with the stories is you tried to add too many plot points in too little time. As a result any of the emotions or relationships that didn't have multiple scenes feel rushed or barely present.
Your tone got a lot better toward the end without the use of characters you needed serious being used for comedic relief. Spike and Sunset's back and forth was hilarious, Celestia's gag at the beginning less so and the screaming at her door for her little sun could have been done exactly as is with a little tweeking to the lead up to her being there and gotten a lot more humor out of the scene. Using the new friends quirks like "we don't speak of her using an electric guitar after what happened" was great.
I'm not trying to say never use a character for comedy just be aware of how it might look from the outside. You have Celestia almost acting like a "Random" Tag version of herself, which is to say Celestia being Pinkie. Then have her lean further into that by screaming at Sunset's door. Then suddenly have to about face and have her act like the estranged mother figure that hurt Sunset but wishes she could take it back and still be in her family Celestia. I think it would have worked better as regal show style Celestia, to a break down of her showing how much she cares about Sunset screaming at the door Celestia, to the estranged mother figure that hurt Sunset but wishes she could take it back and still be in her family Celestia you have at the end.
I probably shouldn't have put so much effort into the first Critique before finishing the story and just made a more vague mention of pacing and focus that started out below average and got better towards the end. I really do like how you gave her powers in the human world. Not enough people go that route. Most just go the Camp Everfree route. Mind reading is poetic but actually having powers is more interesting in my opinion.
Well there was definitely a good story here...once you get past the schizophrenic pacing and random plot threads to nowhere.
I love this story the only thing I kind of struggle with is the fact that Princess Celestia is quite out of character in the beginning now before Nightmare Moon she didn't notice Luna's jealousy until it was too late with Sunset at least in the comic The fall of Sunset Shimmer she's seems more aware in that but with Twilight she acted quicker then she did with Sunset but after Luna was restored she shows to be trying to be more attentive and supporting of Luna she has never to my knowledge cut anypony off especially with something as serious as this she would hear then tone of Luna's voice and hear her out and rush over but I choose to see what you did as an alternate universe and very good story maybe if you decide on a sequel you have a chapter where Twilight lectures A.J, Rarity and Pinkie and they make amends with Sunset also I would love to hear any idea suggestions for a story I'm working on titled The Mane Seven Elements of Harmony please read it and tell me what you think and any story ideas you have.
Thanks
Psinet
I read through this entire story in a few hours and I got to say is really good I really enjoyed it only real issues I have with it are your Comments on it putting yourself down because honestly I couldn’t of done it better most people couldn’t of so do you know what give yourself some more credit man you wrote a story that has a great premise good execution on said premise and satisfying ending overall great job fucking great
Well, I liked the fic, you call it crappy, I call it good enough to re-read in the future
Thank you for the repost! Reread this story from the beginning.
Oofity.
Not surprised there she likes dubstep.
Again, whenever is 1 word, not 2.
Why is she even there to begin with?
He deserves it for what he did.
Good. She deserves a good punishment as well for what she did as well. 😠
In time she likely will. Hopefully 🤞
Question answered, sunset was just dreaming.
I feel the same, took me sometime when I was younger to face the fact I'll have a scar on my right leg for the rest of life of a reminder of a infection that almost killed me in 2012.
Looks like things turned out ok in the end.
After spending the last week reading this story I must say, it was god but could use some more it's, nevertheless I'd rather this story a 7.5/10.
I liked the story but several chapters pulled me out. A goo d8.5/10 though!