- Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
An Intricate Disguise
Selling out has never felt so dirty.
An Intricate Disguise
Joined 3rd Dec, 2017 ·
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An Intricate Disguise · 4.5k words · 549 24 · 13k views
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That's one hell of a sentence. You could say he gave it everything he had.
Now, I kinda want to see a sequel where they do it Vaginal
8775195
My run-ons are Never Alone, your comment is an Inconsequentiality, and my fic is a total Godslayer. Move along, or I'll show you what happens When Faces Meet Stairs.
8775207
You should link all the tropes you just used in each of their titles.
Also, sequel.
The real reason Minty wanted to hang with Jeremy was so she could get his business at her local dental shop. He probably needs it.
onedishcloser.com/storage/post-images/food-corner/badteeth.jpeg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1394493174618
8775415
I see you pulled that from the Big Book of British Smiles.
8775425
You're right. Jeremy's mouth is probably more akin to this;
i.ytimg.com/vi/GwzwkLAxIpM/maxresdefault.jpg
Always nice to see a clopfic centered around anal. There arent enough of those out there.
Is Jeremy some character from a previous story ?
Unf
That last "him" should probably be a "her".
8775968
You're absolutely right, fixed!
Who did the cover art? Looks like Evo's work.
Edit: Yup, definitely Evo's work. All the way back in January of 2016
I don't normally do these kinds of reviews/critiques, so here's one for you because I liked the idea of the story enough to do it.
It's all in good fun, so don't take any of it the wrong way, hopefully you can extrapolate something useful hehe
*than
'then' is saying a transition from one event or situation to the next. After that; next; afterwards kinda thing.
'than' is used in expressions introducing an exception or contrast, or introducing the second element in a comparison.
I have to question the need for a hotel to have beds big enough for ten ponies. There's really no need for beds that big if there's going to be some kind of gangbang/orgy going on, in which case I better get an invite. If the comparison is 10 ponies for 4 humans, that scales down to 5 ponies and two humans, then 2 ponies for one human (not counting the decimal), so saying that a bed made for two ponies would fit a human if he curls up a bit would be more reasonable.
And then...
Hold the goddamn phone for a second. If I'm not mistaken, Jeremy went down to the lobby wearing his robe OVER his clothes? Da fuq dude?
Slippery and slick are synonyms, so it comes across a little strange to use them both to describe one thing. Maybe try something along the lines of; "...her tongue was as eager as it was slick..." or "...her tongue was as slick as it was eager...". Whichever way.
A wee bit contradictory here. You saying her mouth is cavernous, but she struggled to fit it all inside? Maybe something like; "...her lips stretching around his girth to fit it inside while contracting muscles massaged his length as she slid deeper..."
Jeremy got "slightly innebriated" from TWO ciders? Is he some kind of a mega lightweight at 30yo?
Choke? Wrong verb, me thinks. Maybe 'coax' would work better?
This was quite a good story. My only complaint is you used run-on sentence full of commas and repeats of 'as she' 'as he' kinda deal, so those parts kinda dragged on for longer than needed. It would be a good idea to read back through this and figure out where you can add in full stops for more streamlined, and better flowing paragraphs and sentences.
8776327
Hey there, dude! Thanks for taking the time to go through this and point some things out, it was a nice surprise to wake up to!
That said, let's see if there's anything I can offer as a explanation/rebuttal...
Nope, silly typo on my part! I'll go and fix this pronto.
I may have been a little gratuitous with the bed size. I think the idea I was running with was that humans are becoming pretty frequent visitors to Equestria, so Equestrian hotels and the like have started to make rooms to accommodate for their customers of the bipedal variety. Ergo, larger beds. I wanted to make this apparent without an info dump by simply stating in the text that Jeremy travelled back and forth between earth and Equestria, and by Minuette knowing what a human was from the get-go, but even so, that might not excuse the large bed size.
Even still, I can imagine pony carpenters being like 'humans are big. We should make them big beds', and as such, every hotel room bed made for a human was freaking emperor-sized. Maybe my logic was a little off there. Maybe I didn't explain that thought process as well as I should have!
You're telling me you've never done this? That's standard winter procedure, man, and you realise just how cosy it is after that. I've worn a robe over my clothes a bunch of times, and Jeremy is a man with just as much culture as I have. Emphatically rejecting this criticism on the grounds that Jeremy deserves his comfort.
I'd argue that these two aren't totally synonymous, though there might be some distinctions between usage in NZE and BrE here that neither of us are grasping. When I describe her tongue, however? Hmm. Hmm... I'm not a big fan of it either. I prefer both of your alternatives, and so long as you don't mind, I may purloin one.
If I'd been describing Jeremy's dick using the same passage, I'd find this a lot more excusable if only for how those two words connote in my mind. Slippery for the 'difficult to hold in one's hand/hoof/maw' and slick for the 'shiny and glossy' mental imagery. In other words, I'm using one to describe the applications of the liquid and the texture of the liquid itself (in this case, spittle), and the other to describe just how that looks. In my eyes, excusable, but looking back, I'm not a fan. I'll swap this, cheers for pointing it out.
I mean, I could attempt to make some convoluted and frankly shaky argument about how this is his perception and he can't actually see the inside of her muzzle and this is based on his sensory input, or suggest that despite the muzzle being thin, it stretches pretty far back which could...
Yeah, I'm not going to bother trying to salvage this one. This is a fuck up on my part, I'll fix it shortly! Thanks again.
At the point you quoted, Jeremy's had three. I envisioned them as pints (but didn't specify, I realise), and there's no reason to believe that pony cider isn't pretty strong. I'd say this one stands on its own merit. I've had three pints of 7-8% cider in a short space of time before and felt a little merry, and I'm no lightweight! (I say until I'm on the floor, of course.)
I'm going to give this one a little thought. Coax works rather well, but I'm not sure if 'choke' is necessarily the wrong word choice. I'll read through the passage and give it some consideration.
You mentioned run-on sentences, and I do have a bit of an excuse for that (in some instances). I realise they're considered to be bad literary practice, but when writing a sex scene, as the character gets more into it (usually as they're approaching orgasm) I try to be pretty hard hitting and not really give the reader a chance to breathe or slow down if I can help it. One of the things I've always found when reading erotica is that long, continuous sentences trick my brain into reading faster and taking little in the way of breaks, so I've tried to implement the same thing in more sensual and descriptive scenes.
That said, there are most likely some areas that I could cut down on it in the text, as I imagine I've gone a little overboard in places! It's slightly strange reasoning, I'm sure, and most definitely a stylistic thing, but I'd like to think it has its benefits, even if it irks the editor in each of us a little.
I'm glad you enjoyed this story overall! I've read some of your work in the past and I'm a fan, so it really was pleasant to have a chance to read through this and reply, and to know that you had a good time with it! I'm going to take your thoughts on board and see what I can tighten in this story and any future projects (some of the above opinions offered may change slightly on a re-read, I'm fresh out of bed and still adjusting to the land of the woke), and if you'd like, I'm happy to offer you the same! I'd enjoy the chance to go through your work and get a little critical.
Thanks very much, dude, your comment was definitely well-received!
8776534
I'm glad I could be of service
If you want any editing assistance in the future, don't hesitate to ask!
HOW THE F*** DO MOST OF YOUR STORIES APPEAR FEATURED? they are great, dont get me wrong. but how?
How do you write so quickly!!! You’ve been uploading practically every other day recently!!!
8777656
Wrong question.
Why doesn't the author write faster? Or give us a sequel to this one?
8778416
The author has to work and needs sleep from time to time, unfortunately! Also, a sequel is completely dependent on the customer, and as it is they're considering commissioning another chapter in a week or so. Suppose we'll have to wait until then to see how that pans out, but hopefully I'll have a new one out soon!
Also, I've already got another story in progress. Don't think I slow down for long!
8778430
Can't argue work.
Sleep issues just means more coffee.
I had 7 cups today.
It was a slow day.
That was pure pornography, but fuck if it wasn't good pornography.
The ending was stupid, but it was a good story despite that.
Yeah, Jeremy, if your going for the backdoor you don’t stick it in any other hole afterwards. Odds are you just gave Minuette E. coli. 👍
This was amazing, great job~
8775553
Especially when it's willing, consensual and enjoyed by both partners.
I enjoyed this story for those reasons especially. Hope to see more on the same theme.
8777656
Because Bronies love porn.
Yes! Great job!
8781806
yeah
i would love to see this continue into a full story rather then a small one but hey it was really good man keep it up!!
... If there’s more, then sign me up.
Honestly that cover image had me loosing my mind already
Eeyup, anything at all
.
8776327
Sorry im a little late to the party but i just have to add this quick thing in here
nah considering its anal i think they got it right
Delicious, time for the second course
8776327
'if...then' is used in a basic conditional expression.
Here a word missing.
"an escort named Minty who will supposedly 'only take it in the ass'?"
Aw, man. What a waste. :-(
That was good.
That was really good.
Buck/rut ;)
I was really hoping that he would find the pony he called was a stallion.
Aw, an anal slut, the best kind of slut there is.
Lyra Heartstrings would kill for an opportunity like this! She would die from excitement if she was in Minuette's shoes! I can only imagine what her reaction was when Minuette told her friends that she got to have sex with a human!